Is this the end?

[ahotmess]

I am 24, have never been in a "relationship" for more than a week or two. I have never been in love. I have great morals. Or did. I never in a trillion years would have thought myself to be the OW. But that is the situation I am in...or was in? I am so confused.

 

I met a guy, a co-worker back in April. I knew from the beginning that he is married. He didn't hide it. He is a pilot and I am a flight attendant and we were on a layover together. After a trip to the casino...with the whole crew...I wasn't going to be alone with him. The chemistry was sooo strong...we had drinks.....it just happened. Why didn't it end with just that one night? Neither of us can figure that out.

 

I started traveling to other cities to see him. Then he started coming to my apartment whenever he was in town. He started hanging out with me and my friends. That was a big deal, even in the largest of companies people talk. We had wonderful sex. He is the first guy I actually had an orgasm with. We could talk about things. Hang out naked and read the paper or tell jokes.

 

I started feeling a void when he was gone. I realized I waited for his calls or text messages or whatever. Planned my life around when he was coming to town. At the beginning of NOV I realized that I am in love with him. Completely. I hate myself for even looking at him that first day. I should have skipped the casino and ate tuna out of a can in my room while watching lifetime! My very dear and understanding friend said I should have a "talk" with him about my feelings for him.

 

I knew I could never do that. So I found this colum...loveshack.org. I read the stories and advice. No resolve. In the middle of the month we flew a day together and then had a long layover in NYC.

 

The two of us went to dinner. He brought up the fact that we had been "doing what we're doing" for 7months. I blew the comment off saying "has it really been that long...I think maybe just 5 mo".

 

Later he said that he knew we would probably hate eachother in the morning...but he had a few things he had to say. He said we stopped just f***ing a long time ago. He didn't want me to feel like the time we spend together is just meaningless empty time. And then he said the words I never expected " (my full name) I love you sooo much". He told me about how he thinks of me all the time. He told me about the moment he fell in love with me. He brought up the conversation that I needed to have!

 

That was such a wonderful moment. I told him that I too love him! And I do love him. Immediately I traded my thanksgiving dinner with my family in texas...to fly the same trip with him.....thinking I would get something accomplished.

 

He wore his ring everytime we went out. That was a sign. Our first night together (thanksgiving eve?) we were laying in bed and I dared to say the words we hadn't said since the night in NYC. I said "(his name) I do love you". And he returned the words. Never mentioning a future though.

 

On thanksgiving night we lay in bed together and I said it's too bad this is our last time. He thought I was joking. The next day when we finished our flights we were walking in the airport and he said "So we're in limbo now" and I replied "I just can't see you anymore".

 

I let him go! And then I cried the entire flight to Texas....to see my family, those that really love me. I was in bed for 3 days...I got sick. I still am. He calls me...or sends me text messages saying He's sorry he hurt me.

 

I guess I should be greatful that he never lead me to believe that he would leave his wife. I would have surely hung on. But those feelings still remain.

 

I am in love with him! I would be okay with him even cheating on me. I think regardless of our status he should leave his wife b/c he isn't really happy right?

 

He wants to see me again and I know that I shouldn't. But I want to sooo badly...maybe we really can just go back the sex only thing. I feel like I need him in my life. I need the way that he makes me feel. What do I do?

[dontwanttoloosehim]

Wait until he finally decides to leave who he is with first.

Just from what I feel people who cheat have it in them.

Let your relationship start fresh on a new page for the both of you.

There are many single men out there.

My husband is no longer in love with me so he might be seeing other people.

I dont kwno but all I knwo is that he expressed his unhappiness to me and that i do respect.

See if he respected women he would let then knwo before doing such a thing.

It makes your future with him questionable. But thats just me...

[dontwanttoloosehim]

Also I must Add . Count yourself blessed that you are not his wife. Juts from me a wife that is going through the same thing.

You can walk away from this any time without hurting anyone and without feeling guilty you have done nothing hun its him thats cheating.

Imagin you guys decide to be together and get married youll remeber that eh was once married and did not give a #$%^ about his wife.

If he respected his wife he would tell her.

[whichwayisup]

Be strong, stay away from him. The feelings are obvious, for both of you but nothing will ever come of it...Meaning he isn't going to end his marriage to be with you. You sound like a strong person and someone who has self confidence, someone who won't settle for less. So, with that in mind, DO not ever allow anything emotional or physical to happen between you two again. You have the control and power to say no -Stick with it! IF you ever decide to fall into his arms you will be hurt over and over again. Please take a look at some OW threads and the pain others have been through. Already you're confused and hurting...Imagine that pain in another 6 months or a year...

 

It will take time but once you get over him, like any other kind of pain in life, you will be ready to find someone single who will love just you. Don't settle for anything less!

 

Let the feelings go...Cry it out, vent, scream. You are doing the right thing for you by ending it.

[ahotmess]

Thankyou! I hope that I will get over this pain and hurt. I believe that time heals, but we are never the same again.

[whichwayisup]

Time heals all wounds!

 

You need to keep busy. Sink yourself in your work, hobbies, friends...Just keep busy. Train your mind to NOT think about him! (Once you grieve etc...) Then just DO it. Think of him like a bad habit. He may bring you wonderful feelings but they are a false safety net. It's not really real in a sense that he'll never be yours as he's married to someone else.

[Sami_D]

Well done for making the break with him before you get into a 'waiting' position.

 

If you stick with this, do you know for certain that he won't decide to D? (does he have financial or family reasons he's talked about which would prevent it?) Personally, I think it's entirely possible here. He's the one who has been up front with his feelings, while you have sensibly kept something back and maintained (something of) a cool head.

 

If you stick to your guns about what you will and won't settle for, then this could have an unusual ending.

[ahotmess]

He has only been married for 3 years. They have no children and seperate bank accounts. He never "bashes" her or speaks down about her. Actually he never really talks about her. On the few occasions we have chatted about it, he has mentioned arguments etc....but not unkind words.

 

A friend of mine said that maybe I should have "waited" a little bit longer, being as how we just declared our love a week or two before.

 

But he never mentioned leaving his wife. He even said once "If I left my wife, and I've thought about that, you would never trust me".

 

We were laying in bed...one of those moments that seems sickening it's soo sweet....gazing into eachothers eyes....fully clothed, no nooky or anything, and he asked me "What are you thinking?" and I responded "How sad it is that you are going to be my first broken heart". All he said in return is "I am so sorry. You know I never meant to hurt you".

 

Should I be thankful that he's made no suggestions about leaving his wife. I would do anything to have him in my life. And if it even seemed like he would let her go....I would totally stick it out...but he hasn't.

 

Reading this forum helped me to realize that our "future" isn't all that wonderful as long as he is married. Thanks to all of you who share your stories and advice. I have found a song and it goes like this

" I thought that this was supposed to feel good. And if you were

really mine I guess it would. I didn't fall in love because

it was the right thing to do. I just went ahead and fell for you.

Somewhere down along the line I guess that love became a crime

This contradiction makes no sense....I don't believe I'm innocent...

this is punishment"

[travellingman]

If you stick with this, do you know for certain that he won't decide to D?

 

That "you won't trust me if I leave my wife" line is BS. Without children, he has less to lose than many guys, so it looks like this is in fact, the end, and she should move on.

[ahotmess]

travelingman....thanks for your comments...in my heart...I feel like that is the truth. How can he possibly say that he loves me? Why does he continue to contact me? Especially if he obviously has no intent of leaving his W.

[nextel]

Sorry to have to tell you this but....He is not going to leave his wife unless you can offer him 110% better than his wife. He never told you that he would leave her and I SERIOUSLY doubt that he has any intention of leaving her.

 

You on the other hand need to know what you want. If you are ok with seeing him every now and again and having sex...then go for it but I would also suggest that you find a boyfriend on the side. And stop letting him come over to your house and hanging out with your friends. He has not opened that window for you.

 

If you dont like the situation as it is, then I would suggest that you cut off all contact with him.

[Sami_D]

He has only been married for 3 years. They have no children and seperate bank accounts...

 

... On the few occasions we have chatted about it, he has mentioned arguments etc....but not unkind words.

 

... He even said once "If I left my wife, and I've thought about that, you would never trust me".

 

.... All he said in return is "I am so sorry. You know I never meant to hurt you".

 

Oh.

 

Well, it might all be in the tone of his voice, but...

 

Reading this, it seems that he's not at all serious about a R with you... He doesn't seem to have any scruples about hurting (using) you at all. Sorry you've been through this, and you're doing absolutely the right thing. Waiting around for him would be a waste of your time.

[ahotmess]

Now the hatred has set in. He has hurt me in ways that I never imagined possible. I hate myself for what I have done. I hate myself for letting him in. I hurt. More than anything else...I HURT! Why does it have to feel sooo incredibly bad? Will the pain always be there? Will it end? Everytime I see him will I fall for him again? Will I be able to ever let anyone else in? What in world have I done to myself?

 

I feel so alone and ready to cry. I don't want to. I'm not one to cry...but I feel so empty and violated. How can I go on like this?

 

Warning to anyone out there who is just beginning a relationship of this kind:

BACK OUT NOW! I have never felt so guilty and hurt...all at once. A self induced misery. After all...what I did was wrong...it is my punishment.

[whichwayisup]

Warning to anyone out there who is just beginning a relationship of this kind:

BACK OUT NOW! I have never felt so guilty and hurt...all at once. A self induced misery. After all...what I did was wrong...it is my punishment.

Easier said than done...If you knew then what you know now...Ofcourse you wouldn't have explored something with a MM. But, sadly, many don't or won't see the pain that is inflicted. The blinders go on and nothing else matters. Frame of mind! Feeling low about yourself, feeling lonely.

 

Try not to beat up on yourself too much, it's not worth it...He's not worth it. You made a very bad mistake, let it go and move on. Don't spend ANY extra energy thinking of him, wasting your time. Better yourself, stay strong and when you're ready, the right man will come into life...To love only and just you.

[Sami_D]

WHY do you 'hate yourself'..? for not living up to the morals you thought you had (hey, if all of us could be so lucky we wouldn't be the moralistic majority )? For feeling rejected by the flight crew? For giving in when actually you KNEW you weren't that cheap..?

 

YOU have NOTHING to feel bad about. If he's the smarmy 'hey, I never meant to hurt you, babe' type that we're seeing here... then what..? You never really fell for it... he's the idiot with the wife (in the dark... M him ffs... )

 

No... you're not going to feel sad and cry every time you see him. You're going to walk on past him knowing that He's in a M where he feels the need to cheat on his W... how great will THAT be..? And you're free to F**K, laugh with and Be with anyone you goddamn please.

[travellingman]

I hate myself for what I have done.

 

Warning to anyone out there who is just beginning a relationship of this kind:

BACK OUT NOW! I have never felt so guilty and hurt...all at once. A self induced misery. After all...what I did was wrong...it is my punishment.

 

Why are you beating yourself up so badly? You didn't do anything wrong.

 

But to your second point, there are people who unexpectedly and legitimately fall in love with others already in relationships, and it doesn't always end badly.

[beachrosie]

You are smart and brave to walk away the way you did. I was proud of you and I don't even know you. You are 24, but you are mature in your convictions, and you didn't mean to hurt anyone. Things happen, and sometimes they just don't fall into the order in which we would expect. You have a whole life ahead of you, and frankly are probably too good for him.

 

Reading your post certainly has helped me too.

[ahotmess]

beachrosie...thanks for the comments!

 

It is soo wonderful to have this message board as a place to vent...I feel like people here really understand...or atleast they can relate!

 

Today was much easier. I think last night was soo hard because I stayed in the hotel where it all began. Lets just say I cried alot. But today was better (six flights may have helped too:).

 

I don't know if I'll be strong enough to resist him when we "bump" into eachother. Any tips from that NC group? I just can't say no to that guy....obviously;)

[lilmoma1973]

 

Good thing you ended it before you got hurt worst than you already had!! He had no intentions on leaving his wife and they never will with a OW it can never be more than a sex thing thats all they want with no strings attached !! They don't need no extra baggage they already have that at home and when you are the OW you don't have that sort of thing its just you and him no bills,kids ,money trouble its just all about you !! Most men like the new and exciting and the way an OW makes you feel!! Glad you left him and realized it wasn't nothing more to him than sex although it meant more to you!!

[ahotmess]

Just wanted to touch base....I got another text from MM "I miss you". What is going on here? I don't get it....either you want me in your life 100% or not...atleast that's how I feel.

 

You know we never really talked about a "future". I didn't feel it was my place to ask him. But now I'm starting to feel like we should discuss this. Either there is possibility or there is not. What is it going to be?

[pinkrosette]

Hate to say this, but pilots are bad news. Sorry but I've never known one not to be a cheat. But that's just been mine (and others I know) experience.

It seems to me that those high adventure types are more prone to it.

That means the adventure won't stop with you.

 

I don't know what's worse---MM who profess their love or ones who don't.

So are you thinking he just happened to get married and THEN find the right person??? It was just bad timing???

 

It's possible, but usually a LOT of women are the "right" person. The wife is just the unlucky one who ended up with them.

[Sami_D]

Just wanted to touch base....I got another text from MM "I miss you". What is going on here? I don't get it....either you want me in your life 100% or not...atleast that's how I feel.

 

But does he know that's what you feel? Have you told him it's D and you, or nothing at all..? Because until you do he's just going to keep trying. (and after you do he probably will too - but at least then you'll know he's trying it on)

[ahotmess]

I've missed you guys!! Total backslide. Train wreck ahead. We have plans to see eachother.

 

I was doing so well. I mean not complete NC, but a little text here or there...nothing serious. Until...I had just fallen asleep..it was like 2am and I get a text from MM: Are you awake? I replied "maybe". He was out with his friends and "thinking" about me. He text "I miss you lots".....I did not respond....he texts "are you still there?" ....I say "yes"....he says "I miss you big time". <I love that: big time> We shared a couple of jokes and he says "Gawd I miss you". And then POW right in the heart...."I still love you".

 

Of course I want to hear that. Of course I don't want to hear that. It would hurt to have him not ever text me....like bloody hell it would hurt. But it feels so good to hear those words. So much I want to be done with this. But I close my eyes...and catch my breath as I allow myself to imagine how good it would feel to have him by my side again.

 

And new development. A friend of mine...unbeknownst to him...had a layover with him in NYC and he said that he made alot of comments that lead him (my friend) to believe that he was seriously unhappy in his marriage. Things like "Well my next wife is not going to do blah" those kind of things.

 

Obviously he is unhappy. And maybe he did just marry the wrong girl? this situation sucks. And I know I shouldn't see him on wednsday....but I know myself and am sure I wil.

 

sami_d....help me:)

[whichwayisup]

It's time for you to re-read your post here from start to finish. REMEMBER WHY you went into no contact with him.

 

Things haven't changed. Only thing that has happened is, you got your "fix" of him, he said some nice words to you (after being out with the boys) online and made you FEEL again. I don't mean to belittle what you felt, and what he brought out in you...It's just a false hope, emotions got stirred up.

 

I think if you see him you WILL regret it later. Ofcourse in the heat of the moment you will feel good, but later on it will really hurt your heart.

 

He isn't worth it.

[ahotmess]

I know it's true.....the hurt will be worse than the joy. It's just lonely out here all alone....though I usually was alone anyways. And he is comfortable to me. And he won't effing quit saying he loves me...he misses me.

 

That's what I "want" to hear...not what I "need" to hear. Why does this have to be soo complicated? I know really it's all very simple....but it really is not what it seems. Atleast my heart can't recognize the right way to go. It really is just a situation of wanting so much to feel loved. Pathetic!