RecordProducer Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 I discovered pictures of women I think my husband dated while he was in a relationship with me. I saw pictures of him fooling around in a pool with some blonde good-looking girl whom he claims is a lesbian (she was all over his body, e.g. she sitting on his shoulder in the pool, him hugging her, etc.). Today I saw a picture of a gorgeous blonde woman that he went out with in the same month (July 2004.) He says she is just a friend and doesn't remember her name and there were other people with them that night. He has, of course, omitted to ever mention these women to me. I saw a folder named "Pix" on his lap top and wanted to see it and he didn't want me to see those pictures. We argued (or should I say I argued) for about a couple hours and he still keeps refusing to show me the pictures although I threatened him that I'd make sure to "create material" that I will hide from him. Just yesterday he said he wanted an open and honest relationship and today he is hiding other women from me. He doesn't even want to tell me what is on the pictures. I told him if there were female friends he was hugging - it's okay. He IS "allowed" to have female friends. But he just doesn't want me to see those pictures AT ANY COST, NO MATTER WHAT!!! So I think he is hiding something from me (obviously!!!) and I think the pictures are showing him and other women in positions that prove that he was intimate with them at the time when we were together (cuz the pictures have dates on them). He also put a password on his computer (just now) so that I can't open the folder while he is sleeping. So I basically have two options left: 1. to live with a man whom I can obviously never trust 2. to divorce. Am I an idiot for insisting on seeing those pictures? Doesn't the fact that he is hiding the pictures from me prove that he is hiding something real that actually happened? He is not even upset about the whole situation even though I am mad as hell. I know he keeps all kinds of pictures on his computer (like even a picture of Kim Basinger I sent him and some ugly girl he met on the net), but he didn't hide them from me.
smile95 Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 I discovered pictures of women I think my husband dated while he was in a relationship with me. I saw pictures of him fooling around in a pool with some blonde good-looking girl whom he claims is a lesbian (she was all over his body, e.g. she sitting on his shoulder in the pool, him hugging her, etc.). Today I saw a picture of a gorgeous blonde woman that he went out with in the same month (July 2004.) He says she is just a friend and doesn't remember her name and there were other people with them that night. He has, of course, omitted to ever mention these women to me. I saw a folder named "Pix" on his lap top and wanted to see it and he didn't want me to see those pictures. We argued (or should I say I argued) for about a couple hours and he still keeps refusing to show me the pictures although I threatened him that I'd make sure to "create material" that I will hide from him. Just yesterday he said he wanted an open and honest relationship and today he is hiding other women from me. He doesn't even want to tell me what is on the pictures. I told him if there were female friends he was hugging - it's okay. He IS "allowed" to have female friends. But he just doesn't want me to see those pictures AT ANY COST, NO MATTER WHAT!!! So I think he is hiding something from me (obviously!!!) and I think the pictures are showing him and other women in positions that prove that he was intimate with them at the time when we were together (cuz the pictures have dates on them). He also put a password on his computer (just now) so that I can't open the folder while he is sleeping. So I basically have two options left: 1. to live with a man whom I can obviously never trust 2. to divorce. Am I an idiot for insisting on seeing those pictures? Doesn't the fact that he is hiding the pictures from me prove that he is hiding something real that actually happened? He is not even upset about the whole situation even though I am mad as hell. I know he keeps all kinds of pictures on his computer (like even a picture of Kim Basinger I sent him and some ugly girl he met on the net), but he didn't hide them from me. are you kidding? WHy did you marry him???? If he does not show you the pics, he is hiding something. IMO. Divorce??? You just got married???? Oh man! Sorry you are off to a bad start! Maybe just let it go......
JadeStar Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 OMG RP hun I'm so sorry! I just found your post today about you getting married and replied to it. I can't beleive this. Oh gosh I have no idea what to tell you, other than his has to be hiding something since hes so adament about not wanting you to see them. I'm sure you're aware of that. Maybe others will be able to adivse you better on the matter, but just wanted you to know I'm sorry to hear that. Not sure what the laws are where you live, but since you just got married can you get an anullment? Jade
lilmoma1973 Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 RP i am so sorry to hear that but it is obvious something is up with his changing the password... I hate that you seemed so happy you gotta be open and honest with each other or it will never work out!!! No i do not think you are wrong in wanting to know what these pictures are you have every right now you are his wife past or not !!! Good luck you will be in my prayers ..
Hot Coco Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 What does he say about them? I know you were in a LD relationship. I don't know what to say.
Author RecordProducer Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 I've done a terrible mistake by making a big deal out of nothing. I just got my period and obviously THAT was the reason why I got so upset. The truth is I have been very jealous since I've started a relationship with my husband (probably due to the long distance) and that has been my hugest problem. The fact that he kept all these pictures on his desktop just shows that he had nothing to hide. I, for example, deleted everything that I didn't want him to see (pictures, emails, etc. from other guys). That however doesn't make me a better person. It just means that I have worse (but less painful) ways of hiding things I don't feel like exposing. The truth is: I got upset because of pictures he actually didn't hide until he realized I was so jealous. I made these jealous scenes when I saw the pictures of his good-looking friends. Just because somebody took pictures of him and his female friends and sent them to him doesn't mean he cheated on me. First of all, if he wanted to cheat, he could have done that without leaving traces. Secondly, he can have friends and is not obligated to report every picture he takes to me, especially since he knew how jealous I was. And he really didn't do anything with them on the pictures, but fool around in the pool and sit next to this other lady (it's just that she looks so pretty on the picture that I got jealous). Anyway, I've trusted him so far and I will continue to trust him. He wouldn't go through all the hassle of marrying someone from abroad if he didn't love me. I acted stupid and mean by posting this on LS, I so regret it. It was just a stupid argument that I caused out of jealousy. I promised myself (and him) that I will NEVER EVER make a jealous scene again. And I know I won't have to because I trust my sweetheart. Indeed, if he wanted to see my conversations with my ex-BF (the ones I deleted long ago), I would protest just as much as he protested about the pictures. If he didn't want to show me the pictures because he didn't want to upset me, I also appreciate that. He said he hasn't dated anyone since we've been together and I believe him. So if he ever forgives my jealousy (I promised to correct that bad "habit"), I will be a very happy woman again. I really don't want to screw up the best thing that ever happened to me like this. I know he is stubborn and perhaps should've shown me the pictures, but I made a mistake by taking it too seriously and posting about it here as if it's a big deal. I blame the PMS, but I also blame myself. All the time while I was arguing about the pictures, he was being playful, teased me, kissed me, told me he loved me, and never cheated on me. Please don't encourage me as to how right I was for making this scene, because I know I wasn't. He has been so wonderful to me and so happy that I am his wife, I just feel so terrible for causing this fight. I should have asked him nicely to show me the pictures and I am sure he would have. But if he wouldn't have - still no big deal. I don't want to lose him because of this. I love him so much..
Hot Coco Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 Yes, you are starting fresh. Don't bring up past shyt. It will poison the marriage. You've got enough obstacles and things to deal with without adding more to your plate. The first year may be really difficult. Reality will set in and it's going to be tough. I hope I'm wrong but unfortunately, I don't think so. Choose your battles VERY carefully otherwise before you know it, you will be fighting more than loving. Good luck! We're here for support if you need it. Don't worry about it. PMS makes us all crazy!
whichwayisup Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 You both have to trust eachother. And accept eachother too...I mean, you shouldn't have to change your ways just for him...Jealously is good sometimes, it's healthy! But, letting it get out of control, allowing your mind to think the worst isn't a good thing...If he isn't giving you reasons to distrust him, don't go looking for trouble. Now, if he is conversing and hiding other women that he talks to online or in person from you then you have a right to know, to be included in that friendship. Just like any men friends you have - Should be an open book with him... I do think both of you need to get to know eachother even more, on a very deep level...It seems what was there before you two hooked up is an issue now. Each of you had pasts, relationships etc...Leave all those in the past. It doesn't matter now. Worrying about possible OW will only make you feel worse, make you trust him less and put you on edge. Relax, enjoy eachother and stay in the now. PMS does make things worse, the frame of mind can make ya crazy! IF you feel like that again, remember YOU are married him. He isn't stupid enough to go get into a fling with someone cuz you two are together now and married! He has ALOT to lose if he does something like that, so I can't seeing him f***ing around! I have faith that you two will work through all this stuff and also I DO think some counselling would help. Many people get counselling before getting married - To learn how to communicate, listen and understand eachother...That isn't a bad thing to do, it will only help you both! So, consider doing that - Like marriage school. Noone knows how to "be" married, ya just do it...Some people need extra help. To let down walls, to really trust and have faith. Good luck RP, try not to worry. Enjoy things now and be happy!
quankanne Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 Indeed, if he wanted to see my conversations with my ex-BF (the ones I deleted long ago), I would protest just as much as he protested about the pictures. If he didn't want to show me the pictures because he didn't want to upset me, I also appreciate that. He said he hasn't dated anyone since we've been together and I believe him. honestly? I think that maybe because the marriage thing is so new, it'll take time to shed actions/behaviors from the past. I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a problem with showing you or even getting rid of the photos, but like every one of us, he wants to do it on his terms, i.e., make it his decision, not be forced into an action. I know when Richard and I first married, I teasingly asked if he was going to get rid of the pictures of the skank he lived with before me, and he didn't think anything was wrong keeping those pictures because she didn't mean anything to him. But she meant something to me, and I got upset. And pitched a fit. And when he STILL hadn't gotten rid of the photos (just generic shots of them together as well as her by herself), I saw red and ripped them up. He learned about my jealous action long after the fact, and was surprised, I think, to see how that relationship still upset me even though I'm the one who came out the winner (married him). jealousy is a curious beast, RP. Like Richard, I'm sure your husband doesn't have any strong or untoward feelings about the females in the picture, therefore doesn't see the need to get rid of the evidence of their presence. However, just let him know that the green-eyed monster can control your emotions from time to time, and hopefully, he'll figure out the next step that'll please both of you. now get back to honeymooning, lady!
Tony Posted December 4, 2005 Senior Moderators Posted December 4, 2005 You're making me really nervous, girl. Me too!!! This whole thing didn't start out like something made in heaven. And research has already established that the brain chemicals that sustain romantic love fizzle out in a year. Oh, what to do?
Grinning Maniac Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 And when he STILL hadn't gotten rid of the photos (just generic shots of them together as well as her by herself), I saw red and ripped them up. ...That's just f***ed up. Way to respect other people's stuff. Yeesh. No one has the right to do that to their partner's personal belongings. Jealous or not. I'm sorry, but that'd be bordering on "dumping territory" if someone did that to me. That's wayyy over the line. I have stuff from old girlfriends and girls who've had crushes on me. I'm never getting rid of any of it. Not because I harbor deep feelings for any of them, but because it's part of my history. It was a part of my life and I'm grateful to have experienced such things. I would like to remember all of it fondly. Life can always deal you misery, and I'm not base enough to just totally disregard good experiences I've had over anyone's insecurity. So you're married to the guy. Big deal. That doesn't mean his past should be treated as hateful and something to be erased. Not to mention that you are not neccessarily a permanent fixture in his life. Marriages can go sour and dissolve just like dating relationships, so you really don't have a foot to stand on. Getting rid of momentos or not is completely up to the person who owns them. I would never dream of forcing my will on another person like that... $0.02 hopefully, he'll figure out the next step that'll please both of you. For some reason, I worry that this translates to: "Ultimately do what I want, or else you'll be sorry..."
quankanne Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 That's wayyy over the line … That doesn't mean his past should be treated as hateful and something to be erased. I do not claim pride for what I've done, merely explaining that when you are new to a relationship, and insecure for whatever reasons, you do or think foolish things. looking back, would I have done it again? Probably. Because that is my nature. Fortunately, I'm blessed with a forgiving man. Marriages can go sour and dissolve just like dating relationships, so you really don't have a foot to stand on. getting rid of mementos of a woman he lived with has never been a deal-breaker in our relationship, nor was he so attached to those pictures that he resents their loss. as for RP's new husband figuring out a resolution that is pleasing to both of them, I was referring to fair compromise. You reading threats into my comment tells me you may not be well versed in that art ...
Yamaha Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 You're making me really nervous, girl. Me three. You need to calm down girl. He did marry you and not these other girls. If you already are thinking of divorce at your first tiff there is trouble in paradise.
Author RecordProducer Posted December 4, 2005 Author Posted December 4, 2005 First of all, he showed me the pix folder and he got really nervous about showing me some really innocent pictures of him and his female friend (who is BTW overweight - not his type!). I feel responsible for acting jealous and making him feel nervous about showing me pictures. I am actually glad that he tried not to upset me! 'Nuff about it. Quankanne, Hot Coco, and WWIU, thank you very much for your support. Me too!!! This whole thing didn't start out like something made in heaven. And research has already established that the brain chemicals that sustain romantic love fizzle out in a year. Oh, what to do? Actually this whole thing started as us resolving our first problem successfully and I now believe in our love even more than ever. It's easy to be happy when everything goes smoothly, but the ability to overcome adversity is the sign of true love and character. Now everything is going perfectly (except for getting my . on my honeymoon ).
Woggle Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 No offense but you 2 need to talk if you want the marriage to last. Your feelings seem to change by the hour and this will cause problems if you 2 don't resolve it.
wanda1974 Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 Record Producer..... I am a woman, I am not a lesbian, I am very honest. You say that you are a jealous person.....from the looks of your picture, what the hell would you have anything to be jealous about. you are absolutely gorgeous!!!! Some women can only wish to look like you. Good luck!!!
Author RecordProducer Posted December 4, 2005 Author Posted December 4, 2005 Record Producer..... I am a woman, I am not a lesbian, I am very honest. You say that you are a jealous person.....from the looks of your picture, what the hell would you have anything to be jealous about. you are absolutely gorgeous!!!! Some women can only wish to look like you. Good luck!!!Awwwww, thank you, Wanda! ...and PUH-LEEZ, LSers, no dissenting opinions on Wanda's post!
wanda1974 Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 People can say what they want about what I posted....it doesn't bother me. i'm the type of person who will tell someone when they are good looking:D , and will also tell anybody what I don't like...so there! :laugh:
JadeStar Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 RP I understand what you're say about PMS time! I can blow things way out of proporation as well when that rolls around. So yeah you might have been a little over the top with the way you felt, but now that you realize that, hopefully things will get better for you both. However, even though he may have nothing to hide, and I undrstand they are from the past etc. People can hold images or memories of things from their past in their minds, without having to have pics. I would have thought that maybe since you all were married now, those might have been something he would have gottten rid of. I know that you said you got rid of pics, emails etc of things from your past, and I understand that was your choice and doesn't mean he has too as well, but just looks like out of respect for you maybe he would get rid of them, reguadless of wheather he had anything to hide or not. Just MO, hope all works out! Jade
alphamale Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 However, even though he may have nothing to hide, and I undrstand they are from the past etc. People can hold images or memories of things from their past in their minds, without having to have pics. I would have thought that maybe since you all were married now, those might have been something he would have gottten rid of. I know that you said you got rid of pics, emails etc of things from your past, and I understand that was your choice and doesn't mean he has too as well, but just looks like out of respect for you maybe he would get rid of them, reguadless of wheather he had anything to hide or not. Just MO, hope all works out! thats ridiculous JADE....i remember in '93 when i got married my now ex-wife had a problem with my pics of ex girlfirends. we had been married maybe a month and one day i came home from work and she had spend the afternoon watch Oprah, eating bon-bons and going thru my picture albums ripping up all the pics of me with women. She even drew mustaches on some of the girls in the pics! WTF! The marriage started out on a bad foot and just got worse. Even tho I like RP i have to say that she needs to chill out about this. One cannot erase their past and destroying someones personal proptery is illegal, even if its your spouse!
lilmoma1973 Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 RP I understand what you're say about PMS time! I can blow things way out of proporation as well when that rolls around. So yeah you might have been a little over the top with the way you felt, but now that you realize that, hopefully things will get better for you both. However, even though he may have nothing to hide, and I undrstand they are from the past etc. People can hold images or memories of things from their past in their minds, without having to have pics. I would have thought that maybe since you all were married now, those might have been something he would have gottten rid of. I know that you said you got rid of pics, emails etc of things from your past, and I understand that was your choice and doesn't mean he has too as well, but just looks like out of respect for you maybe he would get rid of them, reguadless of wheather he had anything to hide or not. Just MO, hope all works out! Jade RP my heart goes out to you and hope things work out for the better... It is good you found out things now !! Trust and communication is a major factor in a relationship and if you don't have that there will be alot of conflict and cause alot of problems.. What needs to happen is to talk with him about how you feel about him being so secretive and acting like he has something to hide and how it makes you feel and then see what happens from there and if it is innocent he will show you and if not he won't !! I hope things work out and he comes clean with whatever he is hiding !! Just my 2 cents good luck:)
lilmoma1973 Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 thats ridiculous JADE....i remember in '93 when i got married my now ex-wife had a problem with my pics of ex girlfirends. we had been married maybe a month and one day i came home from work and she had spend the afternoon watch Oprah, eating bon-bons and going thru my picture albums ripping up all the pics of me with women. She even drew mustaches on some of the girls in the pics! WTF! The marriage started out on a bad foot and just got worse. Even tho I like RP i have to say that she needs to chill out about this. One cannot erase their past and destroying someones personal proptery is illegal, even if its your spouse! I understand what you are saying Alpha but the whole thing RP is trying to understand is if he has nothing to hide why not show her and make her feel better because she thinks he done this while they was dating by the dates that are on there and she needs to know!! We all have pasts but the fact remains you get rid of pictures of old flames when you marry !! Why you need pics of old flames when you chose who you want to be ? Makes the person feel very insecure!! Just my 2 cents!!
Author RecordProducer Posted December 5, 2005 Author Posted December 5, 2005 Thank you all very much for your rplies, I realized I shouldn't be jealous. As I already stated: We worked things out and now everything is great. No more jealousy on my side! I saw the pictues and they were innocent. Case closed. We are in love and very happy so I would like to close this thread.
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