masosa77 Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 Here is my story....I have been involved with a MM for the past 1 year. He and his W have been living in different states for the past 3 years to complete their training, and he had told me they had grewn apart. Well, his W found out about us 8 months ago from a cell phone bill. She wanted to work on the M, and for awhile MM and I stopped talking. However, it didnt last long. We still talk everyday and see other frequently. Its easy because she isnt here. However, I told him that I couldnt continue with the relationship if he was still married. He said he was filing the divorce papers. He told me that I was the one he wanted to be with, and that he loves me. I believed him. I felt the same way about him. Well, everything was going great.... I even told my parents about him. The one thing that bothered me though was that I could not call him on his cell phone and he wouldnt call me from it. He said that he didnt want to hurt his W anymore than he had. Well, 1 day he called me from it really late at night accidently b/c he was drunk. The next week I get a call from his W telling me to stay away from her H. She even called my parents and told them that I was having an affair with her H. My parents told her that they were told that MM had filed for D. And that is when my parents and I learned that there were no papers. MM mom even called me and bitched me out and told me to stay away from her son. She called me every name in the book. MM and I talked, and he apologized for everything. He said he was going to file and that he was separated. He even called his W in front of me, yelled at her, and told her that the marriage was over. Since then, our relationship has smoothed out, and I know he doesnt call her much, just occasionally. His family still dislikes me and I cant call him when he goes to visit them over the holidays. I dont know if he saw his W over thanksgiving, but he says he didnt, but I have a feeling she was there. He is done in 6 months here and will go back to his home state. I still havent seen any papers, and not sure what to do. I love him very much and he loves me too. I know the saying "married men rarely leave their wifes", but they havent lived together for the past 3 years, and saw each other only once or twice a month. Does this relationship stand a chance? Thanks.
newbby Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 i am sorry, maybe i am jaded and cynical, but all i get from this story is yet another confirmation that their are no lengths a mm wont go to to keep his ow hanging on. when he called his wife and yelled at her, did you hear her voice?
Author masosa77 Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 Actually, yes I did hear the converstaion.
newbby Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 hello, i was really hoping somebody else had some advice to offer you. the truth is that i really dont know if you have a future together or not. it seems that the longer mm are able to "have it all" the less likely they are to change things. it is my opinion that as they are getting what they need from the ow, their marriage becomes much more bearable, they possibly even inject that fresh energy into the marriage and alter the dynamics there, so that they reignite the lost spark, if that is what was missing. in most marriages, it seems that the problems are no larger than a lost spark, excitement, romance etc. yes we (other) women may give mm more credit than to cheat on the side of a deep bond just for the sake of excitement and make the mistake of believing that their marital problems must be irreversible, their marriage must have been a mistake, they are trapped by trying to do the right thing, of course they generally help us along with these beliefs with their very convincing words. however, perhaps your situation is different, perhaps it is. if they have been apart for a long time, then it may be. i guess the real test will be when he goes back. see what happens then and do not allow him to string you along. what do you think?
nextel Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 "i am sorry, maybe i am jaded and cynical, but all i get from this story is yet another confirmation that their are no lengths a mm wont go to to keep his ow hanging on. IF THERE IS NOTHING ELSE YOU GET FROM THIS POST....BELIEVE WHAT NEWBY HAS STATED. IT IS TRUE!!! Listen, marriage is not like having a boyfriend. With a b/f, you can up and leave and not have to look back. Marriage is very different. No-one wants to end it right away because there are many things to consider. The friends, families, co-workers....he might say that he does not care about all these things, but the truth is that he wants to maintain a certain image and that image is of a stable, caring and responsible husband. If I were you, I would not communicate with him until I see the papers. But then, I really dont think that he is going to file for a divorce especially if his wife wants to work things out. Save yourself from the heartaches and move on with your life. Its really not worth it.
Sami_D Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 I told him that I couldnt continue with the relationship if he was still married. He said he was filing the divorce papers. He told me that I was the one he wanted to be with, and that he loves me. I believed him. ... my parents and I learned that there were no papers. ... He said he was going to file and that he was separated. ... He even called his W in front of me, yelled at her, and told her that the marriage was over. ... Does this relationship stand a chance? Well, he's lied to you, and allowed you to lie to your parents about him. He's called up and yelled at his wife to 'prove' something to you, therefore he's treating you both really badly. Probably feeding you both heaps of BS. And that's leaving aside all the trouble with his parents attitude to you ~ one can only guess what he has told them all about you. No, I don't think this R has any chance at all, sorry. He sounds awful.
Author masosa77 Posted December 4, 2005 Author Posted December 4, 2005 Thank you for the advice. You are all correct. I dont want to be the other woman anymore, and that is what I am. I went back and reread my post, and it just hit me how much drama and deceit there is. He never calls me from his cell unless he is drunk and his family absolutely despises me. I really dont know what is true and what is a lie. This is going to be really hard, especially since I actually love him.
newbby Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 makosa, you sound strong. breaking it off is the right thing to do. whatever pain you feel for not contacting him is still better than that feeling of suspecting you are being lied to and knowing that he is s***ting on his wife with you. i was there, now i'm not and although i'm still not completely over him, i am so glad i am out of the situation. you will be too. good luck. and remember to come and post here whenever you get the urge to break nc, you will find theres always someone else attempting nc. we had a whole group of us did it together at one point, that was better, perhaps you can gather some others.
travellingman Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 it just hit me how much drama and deceit there is. it just hit you? after how many months? I know what you're going through is hard, and I know how heart wrenching these situations can be, but these relationships are built on lies and deceit, even when there are real, unavoidable feelings between two people. No man can pull an a off without at least lying to his wife. I just can't believe some of the lines I've read here, I could never get them out with a straight face.
Author masosa77 Posted December 10, 2005 Author Posted December 10, 2005 Well, I tried NC but fell off the wagon. He called and called. I finally called him back. He said that I was the one and he loved me. He is filing for D. He hasnt called his W. She called him 2 days ago, and asked why he was distancing himself. He told her he was no longer happy and hasnt been for awhile and wished he had never gotten married. Mean, I know. But, he said that was the only way she was going to get that it was truley over.
Sami_D Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 So he's telling you he's getting divorced. But he's been telling you that all along, and for most of that time he was lying about it. What's different this time? Has he filed? Have you seen any evidence? Going on his past form, I would believe it when I saw it. Also, if you go NC... he's an ass for calling constantly till you give in. That kind of behaviour is really bad. I really don't like what I hear about this man at all.
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