smile95 Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 ok...I always said if I found a nice and sweet man he would NEVER finish last. I found one....dating about a month and he is TOO nice....is that possible? I have no desire to spend time with him? He is a nice guy and I would love to have him as a friend, but I know he is into me. I truly feel that I am used to being treated like dirt by the ex and maybe in some sick way I like that? OMG that IS sick! There is nothing really wrong with this guy, but I am hoping that maybe it is just too soon after the ex to even begin dating. Considering I still talk to the ex and he still is in my head, maybe it is too soon. I have no idea how to tell this guy that I am just into friends with him. When I think of what I wanted in a man, he is it! So, why can't I find an attraction to him? ugh how frustrating!
newbby Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 i read somewhere that you cant fall in love with somebody who is predictable. its not that he is nice, but you know you can control him. people can be nice but still not easy to predict. its just that with these nice guys, they think they have to be nice in order to win us, and the more insecure they get the nicer they will become. having said that, i just lost a "nice guy". there was he giving out all the info too easily showing signs of being insecure and needy, being jealous and trying too hard to please me. i thought i would try to overlook these things and be more mature and less particular, that maybe it would be worth it in the end if i ignored the fact that i was cringing inside. then i made a singular relationship faux pas, just one, and he ran away never to be seen again! i could not believe it. he probably doesnt even realise the amount of flaws i forgave in him. it has really annoyed me. so these "nice guys" are not necessarily so NICE after all.
slubberdegullion Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 ... He is a nice guy and I would love to have him as a friend, but I know he is into me... I truly feel that I am used to being treated like dirt by the ex... This is a very common problem. You get what you think you want (not just you personally, but "you" in the collective sense) and all of a sudden it isn't very attractive. Sometimes wanting is better than having. I don't know, though, if it's because of his "niceness" that you're ambivalent about the fellow. In my experience, those who attract women tend have an edge to them, maybe a subtle element of danger or a bit of an untamed streak. Granted, while that may make for interesting dating and courting, it makes for pretty lousy marriage material. He probably has that edge, but he's on his best behaviour because he's interested in you. I have no idea how to tell this guy that I am just into friends with him. Don't. That would be torturous for him, knowing that you accept him into your life up to a point but no further. It's an insult, really, though I know you wouldn't intend it like that. So if you are going to call it off, do it very soon and go NC all the way. Otherwise he'll continually have this faint hope that maybe, just maybe, someday, you may change your mind.
alphamale Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 So, why can't I find an attraction to him? ugh how frustrating! because he does not bring out any feelings or emotions in you like the bad boys do..."nice guys" are blah and boring.
Author smile95 Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 man this is crazy! I really did have this dream guy that I thought I wanted and here he is in front of me and I am not attracted to him! I do want the "edge" you speak of. With my ex, we had a fun and flirty chemistry and with this new one I feel no physical attraction for him. So I just have to drop off the earth? Won't he wonder why I am ignoring him? His last gf used to complain that he was too easy going and did not take charge and I was like "how is that bad?" NOW I KNOW! So maybe in reality, I do not want this nice, churh going, kind man? When my grandmother died, he called an checked on me and would be there in a second if i needed him. I tell the ex and he is nice, but never calls to see ho I am and will not return a call for days.......What is wrong with me! I crave the man that treats me like dirt and get annoyed with the one that treats me like a queen.
slubberdegullion Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 So I just have to drop off the earth? Won't he wonder why I am ignoring him? Well, yes and no. IMO it would best to be up front and tell him that you simply don't feel any connection or spark, wish him the best, and let him know that you do not want him to contact you. THEN you drop off the face of the earth (metaphorically speaking, of course, unless you're in the Astronaut Corps).
Author smile95 Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 THEN you drop off the face of the earth (metaphorically speaking, of course, unless you're in the Astronaut Corps). THanks for the laugh...I neede that.... If I liked or had potential for liking him, I would not be dodging his calls right? I would want to spend time with him, right? THis sux. I have one guy after me who I do not like and the one I want after me just messes with my head all the time! And I am hung up on the one messing with me! At least I know that I do not "need" a man. Or just want one for the sake of having one. I know that I cn do this on my own. Live, that is. If I just wanted "anyone" I would be with this newer guy. Do you think I look too much into the exes reactions to me? Maybe I want him to do one thing and I get it in my head and when he does not do what I think (or want) I am let down even more???? Can I tell the new guy in an email??? I hate hurting people's feelings!
alphamale Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 Can I tell the new guy in an email??? yes, you can...thats how many people do it these days.
slubberdegullion Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 THanks for the laugh...I neede that....No prob, I live to serve. Do you think I look too much into the exes reactions to me?Yep. You're seeing all potential relationships right now through the lenses that you developed when you were with the ex. That's not surprising, nor is it necessarily bad. But maybe it's time to just go guy-less for a while and allow those lenses to clear on their own. Can I tell the new guy in an email???Sure, you can, but I don't think it's appropriate. Face-to-face would be better for both of you; for him, knowing that you respect him enough to tell him personally (even if you don't), and for you because it proves to yourself that you have the wherewithall to make a tough choice and follow it through.
Enygmatic Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 yes, you can...thats how many people do it these days. No you can't, it would be something really childdish. Act grown up and give him the fair explanation and clean breakup he deserves. Just make sure that you really want to do it. Getting nice people now a days is really hard, I don't see the point of staying with someone that treats you like an animal. Give it a big thought or you may regret it
alphamale Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 No you can't, it would be something really childdish. Act grown up and give him the fair explanation and clean breakup he deserves. They've been dating one month. After 4 wks you are under no obligation to give anyone an explanation about anything. Had they been dating for six months then I'd say, yes, break up in person but after 4 weeks I think it is ok to just send an email.
Outcast Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 It's too facile to blame 'niceness' as the problem. Maybe he's just a boring person. It's not true that there's nothing wrong with him - if he's not for you than something is wrong. Your other problem is that you say you are 'hung up' on the ex. Well, until you cut off contact with him and lose the 'hung up' feelings, of course you won't be ready to care for anyone else. I agree with Slub that you should just try being alone for a while - not to mope about the ex but just to do something different for a while. You don't have to date all the time.
roadx Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 When my grandmother died, he called an checked on me and would be there in a second if i needed him. I tell the ex and he is nice, but never calls to see ho I am and will not return a call for days.......What is wrong with me! I crave the man that treats me like dirt and get annoyed with the one that treats me like a queen. When your ex treats you like dirt, it causes you stress. When people are under stress, their adrenalin increases. You crave that adrenalin rush. When I talk to people who are in happy relationships I always hear things such as "He/she is my best friend", "He/she is so nice to me and treats me with respect" (and other similar phrases too). There is good reason for that. One never hears happily married people or people in happy relationships say things like "I am so happy, he treats me like dirt!" It just does not happen. Although the guy who treats you like dirt may be exciting for now, you can also have excitement with your nice guy. Maybe you need to work together with your nice guy on finding some hobbies or pursuits that both of you can do that are exciting. Talk to your nice guy about this. Nice guys can have an "edge" too. You need to think who is going to be there for you long term. I do not know what your future plans are in terms of marriage or if you want kids, but if you do, you will want the nice guy because in the long run your nice guy is the one who will be there for you in your times of need such as when your grandmother passed away. If you do not want the nice guy... just let him go... there are plenty of women who are sick of being treated like dirt and will gladly want to be with your nice guy. Often women want to be with bad boys and often ignore the nice guys thinking the nice guy will always be there waiting in the wings, but when they decide to get married or have kids, these women often are disappointed and wonder where all the nice guys went. Nice guys are in short supply. In the long run, nice guys finish first.
scobro Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 How is he too nice and whats wrong with being nice.Whats a guy suppose to do these days? Women will think your a pig if you say "would you like to come over to my place for some penis" and now they don't find you attractive when you are nice.Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez i give up.
Author smile95 Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 too nice meaning......always asking if I need anything(like every 5 minutes). CAlling me 5 times a day to ask me how I am and emailing me at work asking how lunch was, how my day is going, etc....maybe obsessive is more the word.
Outcast Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 ARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Look. What you have just described is not 'nice'. It's 'needy'. It's 'clingy'. It's 'self-abnegating' maybe. It's not NICE. Nice is not the same as 'being a needy , clingy doormat'.!
scobro Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 maybe obsessive is more the word. Whoa thats a stalker waiting to happen.Yeah I agree thats not too nice thats obsessive and very un-attractive you are right.I would cut the ties on this guy.
Author smile95 Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 but he is a nice guy and clingy too. He is thoughtful and caring, but I cannot look past the obsessiveness I am afraid!
Yamaha Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 I think you are just not attracted to his personality, romantically. Does he flirt with you and tell you you are desirable? Some "nice guys" are afraid to tell a gal they find them sexually interesting? You must have found him physically attractive or you would have not gone out with him, right? So you interest has dwindled as he has not stirred that sexual interest in you. The chemistry is not there so tell him and let him move on.
Author smile95 Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 well, no, he is not vocal in that dept and I am used to a guy being more forward. It was a blind date set up thing, so, no, I did not find him THAT attractive, but everyone told me if could grow -it has not.
Yamaha Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 everyone told me if could grow I think sometimes it can grow but there needs to be interest there. If you catch yourself not wanting his presence or avoiding is calls then it is time to cut him loose.
CoolAunt Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 but he is a nice guy and clingy too. He is thoughtful and caring, but I cannot look past the obsessiveness I am afraid! Nor should you! I dated one of those about ten years ago and I still can't get rid of him completely. Just when I think he's moved on, he pops up again. Even though I've suggested to him that he f*ck himself, do me a favor and die, drive off a bridge, go to hell, etc., he still believes I'm the one for him. And all because I looked past his obsessiveness to see the "nice guy" that he also is. Learn from my mistake and RUN! RUN FAST AND RUN FAR! RUN LIKE THE WIND!
fundamental Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 well, no, he is not vocal in that dept and I am used to a guy being more forward. It was a blind date set up thing, so, no, I did not find him THAT attractive, but everyone told me if could grow -it has not. There doesn't seem to be enough interest to cause the attraction to grow. What alpha said is correct.... bad boys get the emotions going. The thing is you are probably not into him because..... in reality, there is no such thing as a nice guy. If he is too nice, it's only temporary. Your instincts are telling you that he is putting on a front. TOO NICE.... (..GOOD GUY....BALANCE....BAD BOY..)......BAD PERSON You probably want a guy in between good and an bad boy.... the guys outside of the range (too nice and bad person) are exactly the same.
Author smile95 Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 There doesn't seem to be enough interest to cause the attraction to grow. What alpha said is correct.... bad boys get the emotions going. The thing is you are probably not into him because..... in reality, there is no such thing as a nice guy. If he is too nice, it's only temporary. Your instincts are telling you that he is putting on a front. TOO NICE.... (..GOOD GUY....BALANCE....BAD BOY..)......BAD PERSON You probably want a guy in between good and an bad boy.... the guys outside of the range (too nice and bad person) are exactly the same. Great point! I want the one in between!!! My ex and him are total opposites! One extreme to another!!!
witabix Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 ARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Look. What you have just described is not 'nice'. It's 'needy'. It's 'clingy'. It's 'self-abnegating' maybe. It's not NICE. Nice is not the same as 'being a needy , clingy doormat'.! Bingo!!! Thats NOT nice its a pain in the arse!! I love my g/f, but I couldn't care less what she had for lunch!! I MIGHT ask her how her day went, and I may occasionally text her during the day. I would run the other way if I were treated like that by a girl, that would be acting like my Mum only a thousand times over!
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