Enough is Enough and it's Time for a Change!

[Mezdar]

I’m a guy who has gone through some completely different hassles or experiences than most people, which paints a very much quite painful, sad and unjustified picture of me as an individual. Let’s get to the point, today, at 21, I am someone who was quiet as a boy who then became severely socially withdrawn at High School. I lost friends for being too quiet, and since then I have had no friends, never had a girlfriend, I don’t go out much, I’m a recluse feeling trapped living with my parents in Scotland, I am not depressed but I am increasingly, very angry and infuriated how this happened and even bitter about it. I am recovering from the worst years of my life at High School and trying to improve my talking skills. It has, but it doesn’t satisfy me enough, because my social development is miles behind mostly well… everyone else. The thing which has caused me to reach new heights of anger and impatience is, in my previous job, people critisizing me for the things I say and getting unrightfully verbal hassle from actual managers who are big-headed, and not taking to me very well at all. This also happened with my classmates at High School in my first and second year, which I believe put me off talking as much, so I don’t bully other people or shout or scream at them, so why the hell should I let them do it to me, when I know they are in the wrong? But I let them do it to me. I didn’t stand up for myself at all, I just let them talk the trash. I think back to it now, how I can’t believe I didn’t make them learn some lessons. The point is I want to have a future where I can stand my ground, have more developed social skills to deal with different types of people and adapt, because right now I’m facing a job where people have more superior social skills than me, and I hate having to be overshadowed by every joe that walks through the door. I feel sickened and insulted how I let other people make bigger waves socially, because I feel like I can become SO much better. I feel like I have lost a lot of edge that is in the thoughts in my head to what I actually say to people, bottling up all my feelings and anger which ain’t good.

<P>

I was in a real bad state at High School, one word that can describe myself there was “comatose” . Honestly, I feel now that I messed up big time at High School as I hardly talked at all, like I was a “mute”. Each year I was there, from 96-2002, I got worser each year, got the odd verbal abuse, but I was never physically bullied thankfully, whether that being that there was really nothing much to poke fun at me, as I wasn’t fat or physically deformed. As time went along, people expected this behaviour from me and just ignored me. It was upsetting to see all these other people having proper conversations while I look on. I did never like being like this, just watching on from a distance. Even more so now, as I have developed an attention-seeking streak within me, but still I don’t do or say a lot of the things I want to say to people. It was just terrible. It just came to the point where the people didn’t care about me and I didn’t care about them. High School just did not prepare me for the real world. The teen years are vital to allow you to socially develop and I missed out on that and it is evident in THAT hotel job this year(this I will discuss in a minute) Even by the age of 15 when I felt more confident in myself than ever before, I was unable to change like I wanted to, and couldn’t wait for the day when I come out all guns blazing and do whatever I like. What do I mean about that? It means talking a good amount, and showing the charisma I know I have. But it’s been hard for me.

<P>

Let’s fast forward to recent times, by this time I have had a couple of jobs. I was unemployed for a real good while, no, a really long while, A YEAR. I don’t like the area I live in and hated and dreaded of seeing people from my past at High School again, and was scared to go to a college or Uni incase they might be there and also scared I would sink with anxiousness and become mute again. Here’s another thing, when I’m in my house, I build myself up thinking of possible situations that could happen in the future while socialising with other people, seeing myself as animated, confident and energetic, but then when I do go out to the job, I flounder. I became a poor man’s representation of myself and I sink in my seat. But there are flashes of the real deal. But I do not want to be like this, you see I want to be outgoing, I want to be a “people person”. I hate this being a shadow, really. The Hotel job in Glasgow was my first job not only in the bar/waiting arena, but with people my age who were not afraid to pick out even the small things about you and criticize you, or people who think they are bigshots and just want to belittle you. The jobs before that was an office job with dad, he forced me so he did, and office work I despise now. But I got to deal with customers, but I was scared to answer the phones but eventually I got over it. But it still didn’t make me happy about phones. At that time my lack of social experience was so poor, I didn’t get much chances of having leisurely small talk with people, mainly just talk about the business. What’s more, these people have got social life’s and partners and I had nothing when it came to that subject. Only me, my mum and dad worked in a lettings shop. Soon someone not from my family joined the shop but he was an introvert and had an unsuccessfull love life, who sometimes stopped my conversations with him. This was not helping me much. Another job was working with much older people who were friendly and didn’t cause me much bother and young people who were disabled or mentally challenged and who were “simple”. When I worked there with these people, my talking was a little better but I had doubts. I was a social under-acheiver at school and my position in this type of job and with these type of people reflected that fact sadly. I just knew that somebody out there, if they seen this workplace, would think we are all losers and are at the bottom of society. It seemed obvious to me. Nevertheless, it did come true, a group of guys came in one day, when I wasn’t there and totally mocked them leaving one of the girls crying and abused.

<P>

I went into the bar/waiting as it would socially benefit me and I could improve my communication skills with guests and fellow workers. I’m still doing it today as I like the work but not completely. The good news is, my social skills have improved gradually in 2004 and ’05, but it’s still not good enough as I am still quiet and it is partly responsible for the verbal hassle I got at the hotel job. Yes I cannot lie, I do feel lonely having never had a girlfriend and no friends. I was hoping maybe I might get a girlfriend at work but it would be risky. I still really want a girlfriend, even more than having friends. But it really is terrible this, like never been on a date or anything, not even had a kiss(back then, I’ve had a kiss now, still never had a date), and I am good looking. Some people will think I am stupid if you do get attention from girls and I haven’t “had” any. I did make the right career move definitely. Right let’s get to the point here. Yes I was still quiet there. What happenend is some people became moody or cheeky to me. They felt I asked stupid and obvious questions, so a couple didn’t bother making an effort with me. Largely from guys. I got gay jibes (I’m not gay)thrown at me sometimes just ridiculing. I’ve had this all before at High School, but I didn’t ask questions as much as I did there because I kept my mouth shut. I say questions like that as I am struggling for what to say and to start a talk. I definitely got unfairly treated and I didn’t stand up for myself. There was a few guys that were big-headed including the 2 managers. I still felt socially awkward and I they just made me look different and an outsider. It infuriates me, as I am trying to recover from being withdrawn all these years and yes, as time went on I did talk less to certain people who were being awkward with me. Just like what happenend the last time at High School when “my friends” turned on me. But I still talked more than I ever did at High School. Some comments I got from my fellow hotel workers was, “think half an hour before you say anything” and one guy told me to shut up at times and it was a night mare working with him behind the bar. I got told off from a good number of people for something I asked about. And one of the guys who think they are hard asses, doesn’t want to serve me my drinks order at the bar. Ridiculous. Also I thought I could disguise my social short-comings but they saw it a mile off. I got called “simple” from one of the big-headed guys, and he compared me to “Mr Bean” the comical character that Rowan Atkinson plays in Tv and the movie. When I think of that I absolutely hate being called it.

<P>

The assistant manager didn’t take well to me. One thing I’m good at is predicting, and that’s back at High School I felt if I go into a job which contained big-headed people, they would have a go at me unprofessionally. And I was right. Everyone of them did attack me verbally, and I don’t forget. The Assistant manager could not stop talking to me in a cheeky tone of voice, and I caught him laughing at me with 2 other managers, which just made me look like a fool. I felt like I was getting picked on, and seen as a easy target. He said I was, out of the 15 workers I was the most irritating and boring. Why? I didn’t talk much, I didn’t see myself as a pest and he was picking out these subtle things, that seemed to get on his nerves. I could see from my interview, that he might be easily agitated. This wasn’t on for me, that’s why I quit the job. The man thinks he is a hot shot but is also a bit of a thug. For example, when we were cleaning glasses, he’s threatening me that he’s going to “shove this mallet up my ass”, for being too slow. I thought this guy’s just playing about, trying to wind me up. Then, weeks later at the bar he tells me he really meant that! A disgrace! I didn’t see anyone else get this treatment, and I am trying to improve my social skills after years of serious withdrawnness and isolation. The guy doesn’t care about me. The point is, this stupid fuss could have been averted if I stood up for myself, instead of adding fuel to his fire, so the whole ordeal made us BOTH look like fools.

<P>

My job at another hotel on the other hand, don’t have those hard-nosed people and I’ve not been verbally attacked at all, but I still can see some possible troubles from a few guys there. What it is, is that I worry about not fitting in, and coming across as wooden and boring to other people which doesn’t do me any justice, as I have already proven that I have a lot of guts recently as I took big risks on holiday in California and Nevada. As you know, I’ve never had a girlfriend, and I am too embarrassed to admit it, as I don’t have a good alibi for why not, I mean I don’t go to clubs or bars in my country as I feel trapped and sick of Glasgow. One of the girls from my work asked if I’ve got a girlfriend and I say no, and she says “she can’t believe it”, and that if she was single, she would go out with me. Oh, if only she knew the whole truth. Anyway I don’t see her anymore. I’ve had to lie through my teeth, as I got the question I dread, which was “how many girlfriends have I had”. I lied and said “5”. In that same previous Hotel job with all the hassle, some people were wised-up and even came up with the question of “Are you a virgin?” to me, and one was even concerned about if I had anyone to hang about with. Of course, I lied to them all.

<P>

I definitely feel I have untapped potential, because I’ve done some outrageous things that you wouldn’t think I’d do. I feel like I’m not being the real deal completely. When I’m outside I feel stiff, I sometimes still go into my shell and feel I don’t say everything I want to say. When I do say something charismatic, which doesn’t happen enough, I feel awkward because I have been repressed socially for so long. A lack of practice, shall we say. My family isn’t helping that much either. We do talk, but not to the depth it could be. But at times we aren’t reacting much to each other, like I get sick of asking questions to my dad or brother, and I get no answer. I would have to say that I’m the most secretive, slyest and darkest character of the whole family. I seem to be the most curious one too. I like my home life, but this isn’t going to improve my social skills by much. My behaviour does change when with colleagues, and I do have stretch myself more to find different topics of conversation. I am quite happy with my life but a large piece is missing. I do want a girlfriend as it is well overdue, as I have always wanted one but even more so in my twenties. It’s embarrassing.

<P>

What do I plan for the future? Well I definitely want to move away from my parents in 2006, and a move to England it will be, to sort out my social life which has been empty for over a decade. Then I can find the girl I want in the clubs, and catch friends along the way. However, I have to be more intelligent and savvy in what I say to people and be able to adapt to different people. I want to be a people person, with a job that involves that. I’m worried if I will be able to find both a job and place in England, and not let my parents stop me. I’ve mentioned this already to them. I feel that in terms of financial security and job career, I have to take big risks. I don’t like everything about my job, and do not want to work in hotel functions all my life. I’m thinking of a –don’t laugh- modelling career(I definitely don’t have low self-esteem in myself), and I might also take acting classes which will improve my confidence with strangers and social skills. I don’t know if I can act, and as for the modelling, I’ll have to know whether I have the right “look” for it before I apply. I don’t want to be made to look stupid. What’s maybe motivating me is the anger I have for feeling left out socially and no close bonds, and also I don’t like people telling me what to do. This is because I’ve have had lots more work than “play” in my lifetime, and somebody on my back and nagging me not knowing how poorly I have been socialising in freetime, but want it so much, just aggrevates me deeply and I feel sick to death of the slave-like, conformity of it. I am a true Aquarian, I don’t like to conform, and I want to be free spirit, and I go in search of pleasure-seeking rather than seeking work. I’m sorry this is long, but I need to still evolve and improve my social skills much more, I need still a big improvement and what would be the best ways to improve talking with people who may make things difficult for you? I want to get better faster, not just gradual. “Enough is Enough and it’s Time for a Change” indeed!

[JadeStar]

Sorry but I did not read all of your post, but picked out a few things you said. First of all you need to get a backbone and not be a doormat fot others. Certain people will prey on people like you that are quite and shy etc, because they know they can say/do whatever and get away with it because chances are you wont do/say anything about it.

 

By getting a "backbone" doesn't mean you have to go out and react to others in a rude or cruel manner. There are ways of getting you point across about things without coming off like a complete a$$. Theres nothing wrong with being queit or shy etc, but sometimes when you come in contact with others that want to be rude etc, you have to stand up for yourself. Thats not just with co-workers, but anyone even friends and family.

 

Do you think maybe a counselor, someone that you can talk too about your life could help you or give you some ideas? If so you might want to look into that. It sounds like you really haven't had anyone to talk too about things, or even just to vent. Sometimes that will help. Venting or posting here is a great way to start so you can get feedback, but a counselor may help as well.

 

 

 

Jade

[Mezdar]

Hmm, to get a backbone about certain things...? Getting more courage is only part of the answer, as this is a moutainous problem. No there's something more to it than that. Even when it came to unstressful more relaxed settings at High School, i still didn't come up with the things i wanted to say. And i have thought " am i too chicken to say this"? Well that's not the case, as i can feel confident, and laughing genuinely at what people are saying. It's more a really bad habit and i haven't developed socially as i was not as shy as i used to be at 15, but i only got worser which is puzzling.

[JayKay]

Social skills are key to developing friendships, romantic relationships and job prospects.

 

You are right that not having good social skills has handicapped you terribly, and I can see how frustrating and infuriating it is to be judged so harshly.

 

Young people are notoriously unforgiving of socially awkward people. It's a tough time to be in high school and it sounds like you've been scarred badly.

 

My suggestion is to seek therapy to help you with your anxiety and shyness.

 

I would also think about your interests; what do you like and what are you good at? Photography? Writing? Cooking? Hiking? Is there a club you can join where you can do the things you like and meet people who share your interests?

 

You might even want to start a club; you can hang notices in local shops that a book club or restaurant club (where you eat out somewhere different once a week) is starting up in your area. Being in charge of something may help you develop confidence.

 

Moving to a more urban area may help. If you live in a small town where everyone knows you, it is hard to break free of preconceived notions people have about you. People DO change over the years! It's hard to be judged based on your past.

 

Learning social cues takes practice, so you will have to practice constantly. Waiting tables is a good way to start learning how to talk to people, as is answering phones. You also need to practice listening to how other people talk to each other. Listen to the ebb and flow of conversations. Practice asking people about themselves; that's one thing a lot of people forget to do! They just talk and talk about themselves and never listen. If you become a good listener, people will enjoy talking to you more.

 

Finally,

 

it sounds like you may also need to have some degree of self-acceptance. You may never be the social butterfly. You may never be the life of the party. Some folks are just naturally quiet and that's OK! Focus on what you're good at and learn to excel at it, even while you practice getting better on the social scene.