madamdragonfly Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 ....than to have to deal with "all this". Uh....sorry that I can't just bounce back into normalcy there, sweetheart. Ok, so we went to dinner last night and had talk number 2000 about our situation. Most of the time, I admit that there is repetitive conversation but I always come out of it with something positive, something that I can use in my healing process. Last night, it was the realization that he hates himself as much as I hate him right now. That's good, in a weird way, lol. And almost always, I find out yet another lie too. Origionally, he told me that this started after we found out that we were having the baby...last night he said, "God, I'm so stupid...I should have just ended it when we found out". Nice....now I feel like this little one was made out of anything BUT love. Maybe I should name her "Scorn" and call it a day. Anyway....here's my point. It is clear to me that he wants this to be over. Like I said in the thread starter...he said that he had rather take a beating....he just wants me to take his "I'm sorry" and move on. I can tell that he's at witts end...our latest conversations have a lot of little venomous moments on his part, directed more towards women than me directly, but I feel it's his way of saying that he's at the end of his rope. So, I ask you...it this my cue to just shut up and either give him another chance or leave? I mean, to me...if I had to be honest, I guess I would have to say that I haven't totally decided if I want to stay....but I do consider this an important prerequisite to the "second chance". I am trying to get what I need from him to place this ugly incident in the past....to decide if I want to take the humongus risk of waiting around to see if it will happen again. Forgive or leave. Seems like such an easy decision to make, but it's not. Consider this a formal, public apology to all of those that I have ever advised to **** or get off the pot concerning this matter. I am truly and deeply sorry, because until I was forced to live it, I had no understanding of the profoundness of the leave/stay decision making porcess. Ugghhh....this pisses me off soooo much. Childlike...wrong...doesn't matter, it's how I feel. How dare him give me "hurry up and let it go" vibes after the devastation he has caused. His right to persue his own peace and happiness, yes, but I can't help but want to take the attitude of, "tough...you should have been thinking about that the past five months." What an ugly, ugly mess. I feel like a bitter old woman with a sixteen year old's mentality. Somebody just tell me to leave. Tell me to stay. Tell me what to do. Tell me anything, cause it's becoming obvious to me that I don't have one freaking clue what to do. Please Advise. ~J~
JadeStar Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 We can all give you advice/opinions as to what to do. However,no matter what anyone here says, it has to be your call. Only you know whats right or best for you and your situation. I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this, especially with being pregnant. Hormones are already out of whack, you don't need anything to add to it. Have you all been to counseling? Have you mentioned that to him? If so, is he one of these that laughs that off, claiming that counsling doesn't work? Of course he wants you to have the attitude that he is sorry and wants you to hush up about it, cuz he doen't want to deal with anything that has happened. Until hes willing to do that, you all will never be able to move forward. I think, if hes not willing to try counseling, then you need to go for yourself. Someone that can help put things in better perspective for you on the matter. I think if you feel this is a fixable situation then I would say hang in there. Please don't hang in there for the childs sake though, and I'm sure thats easier said than done. However, if you feel this is NOT a fixable situation, then perhaps its time to rethink things. Jade
harleygirl92156 Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 I know what you are going through, as I am in the exact same situation. I have been a year knowing of the affair and like you am still dealing with lie after lie. I finally gave up on the conversations as all they did was cause more problems. What I have done is step back and allow him to show me how he plans to change to make the marriage work. I decided if he was to have a second chance it had to be a true second chance. I also have not decided if I am going to stay, but did make the decision that I would do all I could to make the marriage work before I called it quits. If I do decide to call it quits I want to know within myself that I did all I could so I have no regrets. If he does all he can to make the marriage work that is up to him, his regrets will be his. Once I stepped back and quit interrogating him and just let the marriage move forward, things got better. He was less defensive and much more open and honest. Not completely open and honest, but more so than when I was questioning him unendlessly. So I guess my suggestion would be to back off a little and allow him to show you what he plans to do to make the marriage work, to make you feel safe in the marraige and to reassure you that he is and will be faithful because after all that is what you want isn't it. You can't change what has already happened, but you can change how you act today. If you want the marraige to work and it sound like you do, let him do his part. Don't force it, that is meaningless. One thing I found out was that when I forced the truth out of him, it was meaningless, when he volunteered the truth, it gave me security. You have a long road ahead of you, one we are traveling together. You have a child involved and I am lucky in the fact that I do not, mine are grown. I only have to deal with myself. I know that if children were involved, it would make the situation much more complicated. I am sorry you are going through this, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I can see the light today but am not there yet. I don't know if we will make it or not, but we are trying. ALLOW him to make his amends, show you he has changed and how, talk to him about what he is doing today to make the marriage work and be a faithful husband. He can't change what happened either, so if you want to stay with him, let him show you. Don't do anything until you are sure and you will know when the time comes what the right thing is. If there is doubt, don't do it. YOU WILL KNOW WHEN IT IS TIME TO MOVE ON WITHOUT HIM AND YOU WILL KNOW WHEN IT IS TIME TO STAY. Wait until you are sure.
sparticuss Posted December 12, 2005 Posted December 12, 2005 Dragonfly I sincerely hope that you do not intend to give your baby that disgusting name. A child with such a name would be teased brutaly in school and would end up either in jail or the funny far by the time its your age. What was on your mind whan you said that anyway? If this child was concieved our of anything but love then you are goind to have ot absoloutely lavish loveof it, with or without him around to give it any sort of a chance in life. Dragonfly. Where is page 1 I've been reading a hudge post about how you feel about him but -------- what did he actually do. - did he - beat you up so badly that you needed a hospital - attempt to rape you 6 year old kid sister - clean out the bank accounts of you and your parents - use your home as a crack house What did he actually do? Yes i did deliberiatly use these disgusting examples to help you put things into persepctive. I know of a certain Hillary Clinton who faced the same problem as you and forgave her man. Because, at the end of the day, he was a good man. How good a man is this one? You havent really told us much about him. Just about your feelings. That would just
Taylor23 Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 Harleygirl: That is a great post - thanks for that advice. You said that "you will know when it is time to leave" but do you think it could just end up where you have an alright marriage that has a lot of baggage and that, while it is painful, isn't really enough to get a divorce over?
harleygirl92156 Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 Harleygirl: That is a great post - thanks for that advice. You said that "you will know when it is time to leave" but do you think it could just end up where you have an alright marriage that has a lot of baggage and that, while it is painful, isn't really enough to get a divorce over? I do think it could end up being just and alright marriage, that choice is up to each individual. Some people would be happy with and alright marriage, others would not. I for one would not and if I see that is what I am going to end up with, I will move on. I do think an affair is enough to get a divorce over, period. Each person has to handle their own situation and decide for themselves if they want to work on the marraige or not. One thing for sure, the trust is lost and it will NEVER be regained 100%. Some can live with that, some can not. My husband told me his goal was to earn back 99% of my trust. I can live with that as that is more than likely more than I had before I learned of the afair in reality. I feel sorry for her as she has a baby coming. I can't imagine going through all that pregnant. It is difficult enough without. I just pray she takes care of herself and the baby. I vote to name the baby Faith, because that will remind you daily that faith is what you need to get through this. Faith in God, faith in your self and baby FAITH.
Author madamdragonfly Posted December 21, 2005 Author Posted December 21, 2005 No, I will not be naming my little girl that, I was being sarcastic. I will love and cherish her with everything that I have...already do and she's not even here yet. This post was about exactly what you said...my feelings. MY pain. The details and attempts to understand and deal with what my husband did are in another thread. What did he do? Truthfully, it's not about what he did, it's about what he took away from me...what I have lost because of his problems and his actions. Maybe you are truly a unique person that can put the puzzle pieces in their perspective places, but right now I am having a hard time focusing on what other things he could have done that may brand him a "lesser man" than him having a 5 month affair. I'm sure that with time and therapy, I will be able to do that. But right now? Well, it hurts Sparticuss. It hurts like nothing I have ever felt before in my life. Maybe when that passes, I will be able to think and post about what a "good man" he is otherwise. ~MD~ Dragonfly I sincerely hope that you do not intend to give your baby that disgusting name. A child with such a name would be teased brutaly in school and would end up either in jail or the funny far by the time its your age. What was on your mind whan you said that anyway? If this child was concieved our of anything but love then you are goind to have ot absoloutely lavish loveof it, with or without him around to give it any sort of a chance in life. Dragonfly. Where is page 1 I've been reading a hudge post about how you feel about him but -------- what did he actually do. - did he - beat you up so badly that you needed a hospital - attempt to rape you 6 year old kid sister - clean out the bank accounts of you and your parents - use your home as a crack house What did he actually do? Yes i did deliberiatly use these disgusting examples to help you put things into persepctive. I know of a certain Hillary Clinton who faced the same problem as you and forgave her man. Because, at the end of the day, he was a good man. How good a man is this one? You havent really told us much about him. Just about your feelings. That would just
Author madamdragonfly Posted December 21, 2005 Author Posted December 21, 2005 For all of your support guys....it really does help to know that I am not alone, even though it sucks that any of you have had situations that would bring you to such a thread. Well, here's my update. We are all signed up for marriage counceling and finished with our individual intake appointments. Our first appointment together is on the 28th. I can't say that I am particularly looking forward to it...tis much easier to let the feelings get pushed aside. But still, I think it is the right thing to do and my first milestone reached is that I can actually say that I WANT to. I also signed up for individual therapy. Right now, with the combination of my life's events and being pregnant...well, I think I need the individual release. I have been to see my therapist once already and will go again today. Hopefully, it will help me deal better with the healing process. Moreover, I hope it helps me deal with the doubt and suspicioucness. Everything he does has a big fat question mark. Like finding out that he has ordered a portable radio when it is on nobody's list and hasn't been mentioned to me...naturally, I assume that he is still seeing her and that this gift was purchased in secrecy for her.....yes, I should mention it to him, but I find myself sitting and waiting to see who he gives it to, you know, in the name of trying not to jump to conclusions. Grrrrrr....I hate living like this. Anyway...Harleygirl...I am trying to do what you suggested and let him set the path for forgiveness. I don't press him with questions all the time, however, there are many that I just simply have to ask and it's hard not to. Usually, I regret it when I do...like the other night I asked him if I were to have early labor complications and ended up in the hospital, would he be able to stay faithful to me. He answered with everything other than "yes"...which is the answer I was looking for. Sigh...this is so difficult. YKWIM? ~MD~
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