RD37 Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 Well, I broke it off tonight after almost 3 years. I am still not 100% sure that I did the right thing. I feel terrible for hurting her and feel terrible about all of the plans and dreams we had together that are no longer going to happen, but I feel good that I did it as it wasn't working. I tried to make myself love her for the last year. I tried to justify to myself that once we are in a relationship for a while things change and things get staler. That's just the way it is...I am still not sure that I am messing up but having my best friend here has really helped me. I realized that in our relationsip I was the one trying to make her happy. She was in an abusive relationship before she met me and despite my constant attempts to get her to meet other people, do new things, and become more independent she clung to me. Tonight on the phone she told me that I was "her whole world". (I am almost crying typing this I feel so terrible)I had to reply that that was part of the problem. It became exhausting having to be the lover,the entertainer,the support network, the counselor etc. I just couldn't do it anymore. I am far from perfect but am fairly well grounded and have about as good esteem as the next guy. God I feel terrible for hurting her and making her cry. I bawled a bit to my best friend. It hurts to feel that you are letting someone down. The fact of the matter was that I simply wasn't happy and had been doing things for her for years. I needed to do this for myself. It sucks to know that she will probably hate me for a while now. I don't want that. But it is inevitable and I won't blame her. Looking back on things there were many warning signs that this was the case,but I kept trying to work on things and make them work thinking that if we could just iron out this way we related,or that way that she got mad at me it would be better. Those things were simply symptoms. There is no making yourself love someone that you aren't in love with. Myabe I am blowing something good. Maybe friend/companionship is the bes tthings will get. I don't know, but I do know that this was my first really serious relationship and that I couldn't bring myself to continue it without knowing for sure that all long-term relationships are like this-stale,not exciting,restrictive,full of compromise. She says that she loves me. I am not so sure of that. If she really loved me I don't think she would have done many of the slefish things she did. I have alrned from this that I need a person who is strong and has their own things going on. I don't even know what the point is in posting this. It's over. I am not a bad guy or the badguy. I know that intellectually- I didn't cheat, as soon as I felt like this conciously I told her, I have always been her friend and never treated her poorly, it just feels so ****ty to lose all of the future plans, hopes and dreams and to know that in order to do what is right for yourself, you have to hurt the **** out of somebody else.
AltplanB Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 So, tell her to fix herself and give her a chance. Its a test. If she can fix some of the problems that you mentioned, then she really wants to get back with you. If not, then she feels your not worth it. If you weren't meshing, figure out why. To give up on something that could be great without knowing fully whether it could be, is murder. Trust me, im in her position, and i didnt even **** up. All im trying to do now is improve myself so that she could think about us again. I would do anything. See if she has that kind of motivation.
pippen_2k Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 You did the right thing. Sounds like you thought this through, and attempted to salvage the relationship, so no need to question urself in weather or not you made the right decision. Its your life, and at the end of the day if you aint happy, get out of it. Sure you hurt her, and she will probably hate you for it, but theres nothing you can do about it. You might be friends one day in the future, but in the short term id say no chance.
Author RD37 Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 I've been trying to "fix" things for almost a year. She is overly emotional and gets angry at me for lots of small things. There isn't any fixing it anymore. I am a good communicator at times and have told her exactly what I think the problem is. the usual pattern is: She gets mad about something completely trivial or unreasonable. ( that she feels left out when I go out to play pool with a friend while she is doing work and I have invited her and she told me no for example) I confront her with how unreasonable it is. She apologized and says she won't do it again. Repeat. I couldn't do it anymore. She puts all the pressure on me to take care of her needs and really doens't do much about mine. It's 80% give on my end and 80% take on hres. That's the way it feels to me anyway. I have learned. Next time I need a stronger, more independent woman.
AltplanB Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 tell her these are the problems and that you won't come back unless she fixes them dude. If she does, give it another shot. But make sure that you give her like a good couple months.
omegaRED Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 Love is love RD37. As much as we hate it when our SO tells us the love is gone, when it`s gone, it`s gone. I completely understand you, i was in that SAME position 2 years. Literally. My gf was needy, clingy, isolated in her world revolving around me. She would never have broken out of that circle if we didn`t break up. And, in the end, you gotta be happy. I believe you did the right thing. It`s not gonna be easy for both of you for some time, but you gotta endure. I also wanted a stronger, more independent woman. And you know what? That`s exactly what i needed and wanted... Be strong my friend!
summer74 Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 If you're unhappy you did the right thing. She may be angry at you now, but you are actually setting her free to find a relationship in the future that may work out in a more positive way. I'm sure she learned some valuable lessons from you and you from her that will help in your future relationships. I know it hurts. Breaking up totally sucks!
slubberdegullion Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 RD, I can really relate. Ex #2 was just like that, and I spent untold hours trying to comfort the incosolable and be the entire social network to her. Yes, it hurts, because the feeling of failure, and the second-guessing, drove me to distraction. And yes, she may hate you for a while. That's too bad, but when you have honestly and truthfully done everything you could possible do and there's no more left, your options are limited. If it helps at all, my ex has rediscovered her life and her joys. It's probably because she no longer relies on someone else to make her happy, and has taken matters into her own hands. So take time to honour the feelings of loss, and take time to work through the grieving process. You'll have to start and maintain NC with her, unfortunately, even though this will be excruciatingly difficult for the first little while. But both you and her will be better off for it. I know that my ex and I are in much better frames of mind, and now she and I correspond on a regular basis. (She lives a couple of thousand miles away.) Stay strong, my friend, and you'll be ok.
trone Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 I understand you very well as I had a very simlar experience recently. My gf was so emotional and got mad at even the smallest unreasonable things. She could blame me that I am insensive crey for hours and then I had to do everything to make her smile again. I could take it for a while , talked to her millions of times she said ok but then repeat. I had broken up with her since I was feeleing like I am kinda slave for her, someone she can say everything to but I had no say, whenever I did she got upset. I told her that i want to break up, and she cried for hours and hours, I could not resist and decided to give her another chance. But then everything got worse. My gf was 30 years old and I figured out that I can not change her after these many years of being this way. Finally we broke up in a way, she cut off all the communication and now it hurts me even more. I do not think that she cares about how I feel now the way I did when I had broken up. So if you believe this is the best for you (which looks like) get out of it, think about your feelings and dont feel pity for her. Otherwise I guarantee you that you will be hurt more in the future. This is not a healthy relationship.
AltplanB Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 well i guess everyone else doesn't think you can make it work. Sorry to hear it for her sake and i hope my ex gives me a second chance.
omegaRED Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 AltPlanB: At some point every one of us has to decide whether they want to spend the rest of our lives with our current partners. The arguements are usually just signs, the core issue is almost always something that cannot be seen on the surface. You want a second chance. What are you prepared to do for it? I`ve read your posts, and noticed that you`re intent on changing yourself. Would you be a completely different person, just for your gf to stay with you? Would you change a significant portion of what you are just because another person doesn`t like/accept you? Don`t get me wrong, i`m all for improving. The break up with my gf was a much needed wake up call for me. To finally see and confront my issues (but those are deeper, ingrained psychological issues, not some superficial "I don`t want to go to bars" or "I don`t like this or that"). But the basic point is that i do have to accept and like the way i am, because this is me. I`m not gonna be someone else. Accept yourself, with all your virtues and faults. Work on the faults, of course, but don`t change just so another person likes you. And just think about why are you changing certain aspects about yourself. Is it because of her, or you? Do you want to change to show her that you`ve changed? Dude, do what YOU want. If someone else doesn`t accept you the way you are, that`s THEIR problem. Don`t lose yourself.
westernxer Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 You can't force yourself to love someone, and you can't worry about fixing them and loving them at the same time. The end result is always the same: you lose. Breaking up hurts no matter what, but you did the right thing. She needs to change without you, otherwise she'll never change at all. It may take awhile, too.
Author RD37 Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 Thanks for all the advice. I woke up an cried a little this morning-I haven't cried this much since my grandma died. I need to just buck up and stop the pity party here at some point. You know its funny. Every single person that I have told abouit this decision (including a drunk grandfather in a bar) has told me that it sounds like I should break it off. It's hard since I have been making excuses for it for so long and because despite her faults she is basically a good person and does in her way care about me. I will have learned a lot here when all is said and done. This is the first time I had a gf that I even considered marrying. Thanks for all the advice. The reassurance helps me to stay strong in this decision. Having my best freind here has really helped because whenever I made excuses for her he would remind me of all the fights we have had and all the times I wondered if I should be with her. You all help too. Thanks.
Gottabestrong Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 HI RD, are you my exboyfriend? In every thing you write I feel the thoughts of my ex coming through. Only difference is that he broke up with me already over a year ago. As I have been the dumpee in practically the same situation, I can tell you that it hurts like hell. But if you feel the way you do, than it is surely for the best to breakup with her. If she is that insecure and you are her whole world, then, in a way, it is good for her to get this shock to the system. She will probably hurt really bad for a while, but if she gets through it without making too many wrong decisions, she will probably feel stronger in the end. I know I do. Just one question. You say that you dont love her. Did the love go away at some point or did you never love her in the first place? I am asking because you were with her for 3 years, and if you never loved her, than I dont understand why you stayed with her that long. I think you did the right thing. And if you are my ex after all, dont worry, I survived!
Author RD37 Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 I'm not your ex. I think that I loved her the first year or so. We were together for 5 mos and then she was away for 8 with some visits. We talked everyday during that away time. I think that the result is that I was pressured each step along the way to committ more and more when I wasn't ready. I stayed with her for so long because she is a great person and I thought that I should love her and something was just ****ed up in me that I didn't-that I was immature etc. Maybe that is the case. But I have tried for a year to make it work and I just couldn't anymore. I think that when ojne person pressures another person too much in a relationship resentment starts to build. The pressure and the neediness becoame too much for me and I feel out of love...
johan Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 Your situation is sort of like mine. I posted a lot about it, if you want to do some reading.
Nikita20 Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 RD: Your situation sounds like mine as well. Are you my ex? Ha!! Ha!! My advice to you is give this some time. Don't contact her right away. Think about your feelings about the relationship. If you come to the conclusion that you don't love her, then walk away. Otherwise, if you still love her, contact her, let her know your thoughts, let her know your disappointments and tell her what your needs and wants are out of the relationship. Also, ask what her needs and wants are out of the relationship. Then, come to a compromise. In the meantime, suggest that you two give it some time and take things slowly. If you feel that she hasn't changed or refuses to change, then walk away permanently. The sad part about my breakup, is my bf didn't communicate his disappointments in our relationship. He wasn't honest with his feelings until it came to the point when he broke up with me. And that was a HUGE shocker. In the meantime, I'm taking small strides in improving myself. However, I still want a 2nd chance with him. I haven't contacted him in a month. Plus, I know that he is seeing someone else. If you care to give me any input, I'd appreciate it. Here's the thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t72685/ Just to forewarn you it is LONG. In the meantime, take care and I hope things work out for the best.
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