Why Do We Always Want The One Who Doesn't Love Us Back?

[In Sync]

What makes us so deaf dumb and blind? Do our minds become some altered-state once we fall in love, or change. What makes our ego, cling to a hopeless romance. Why do we beat ourselves up over and over over those who without skipping a beat say, "I don't want to be with you anymore." What makes us pine and lose sleep and countless days over people who don't appreciate what we have and who we are? Why do we rake our souls and spirits over and over for people who don't think about us or care?

[lilmoma1973]

 

Don't you know that saying we always love the ones we can't have?

[johan]

What makes us so deaf dumb and blind? Do our minds become some altered-state once we fall in love, or change. What makes our ego, cling to a hopeless romance. Why do we beat ourselves up over and over over those who without skipping a beat say, "I don't want to be with you anymore." What makes us pine and lose sleep and countless days over people who don't appreciate what we have and who we are? Why do we rake our souls and spirits over and over for people who don't think about us or care?

Fear of failure and a deep need to believe that we are lovable. Failures cause us to start plotting ways to salvage success. And having someone who knows us better than anyone else tell us they don't love us is too hard a message to take. So we HAVE to fix it. It's easier to take a breakup when you love yourself, but that's especially hard to do when going through a breakup.

 

Often the other person really isn't worth all the heartache and obsession. But the ego can't take the rejection and so we idolize and objectify the other person because they are the symbol of the thing we fear the most: lifetime loneliness and fundamental unlovability. Blame your parents.

[In Sync]

Fear of failure and a deep need to believe that we are lovable. Failures cause us to start plotting ways to salvage success. And having someone who knows us better than anyone else tell us they don't love us is too hard a message to take. So we HAVE to fix it. It's easier to take a breakup when you love yourself, but that's especially hard to do when going through a breakup.

 

Often the other person really isn't worth all the heartache and obsession. But the ego can't take the rejection and so we idolize and objectify the other person because they are the symbol of the thing we fear the most: lifetime loneliness and fundamental unlovability. Blame your parents.

 

 

Alright you've got my attention. This is food to digest. Fear of failure. I had always felt that I had failed again with this one. Indeed on in actually, my ex relationship is not worth what I went through, but he did become the one thing I couldn't have so I failed. In the relationship I tried everything possible to "fix things between us." Instead of admitting nope this is not going to work. I touched on this topic of facing my fears ("lifetime of loneliness") yesterday, which is what seems to grip me after there was no more him. And getting him to love me back is a validation of sort...ah to prove to myself I am lovable? Then must somehow rid myself of this ingrained fear of loneliness and fundamental unlovability, it would be easier to get over this breakup. Point well noted.

(And our ex's obviously love themselves way more because this xplains their ability to bait and switch and cut us loose so quickly?That's just a side question but related to this anyway, not that I should really care about the one who dumped someone thoughtlessly, but we obviously operate from different viewpoints. from the ex's I mean.)

So at the end of the day..this is all my mind not wanting to accept rejection??? damn.

[Ms_Sweetness]

Thanks Johan, I had never thought of it like that. That is why it took my forever to finally let go of my ex, especially after the still claimed to love me. I finally realized that his actions were a true measure of how he felt of me.

[bendit]

No the exs don't love themselves way more. ;-) Hardly. They have very poor self images. They can't be alone. They don't really "love" us, instead putting on an act for our benefit. They move on because they are afraid we will see the real them. A new person is an unplowed field to them and a way for them to be with someone who isn't aware of their secret pain yet. These people are disordered. Does all this sound like they love themselves more than we do?

 

You ran into a truck and survived that's all...and with no broken bones. The sooner you can start looking at this as the exact thing you needed to happen in life, the faster you can get on with actually being the kind of person you were really meant to be. Your life got off track and this relationship not so gently is pointing that out to you. Was this relationship going to provide you the platform of loving support required so you could go to Africa and help the starving dieing children with Aids? Not everyone has to or will do That of course, but its a kind of litmus test of your partner. I would suspect not.

 

Quit wanting to be "like" them, and start being happy with who you are. Start doing more thinking about your own gifts, your goals, your purpose, and especially how many many things you have to be grateful for in your life. Take this person off the pedestal because if anyone belongs NOT up there on it, it is them.

 

regards

[archbean]

i was recently talking to a friend who told me "the good guys are always taken. either that or they're gay. that's because all men are pigs, except the gay ones. the only guys left are the bad ones that you don't want to date anyway." funny how true that is for me. it just made me realize how very unavailable the men i would like (who are in relationships), and the man i love (who is gay), are.

 

in the case of gay men, it's just bad luck in choosing the wrong guy, it's no one's fault, or at least that's what i've been telling myself. with the men who don't like/love you back, it's just bad timing if they're already in a relationship, and if they're not, they either need time, or aren't the right one for you. that's no one's fault either. the key, i think, is to make sure you understand that love isn't the kind of thing you can consciously choose, you can try, but it isn't going to be right. it's a subconscious thing, or something that just happens without any input from you, so don't beat yourself up about it. be glad that you are alive to have feelings, even painful ones, and be happy that you still have time to find someone who feels the same love toward you as the love you feel toward them. sometimes reminding myself of that helps

[consumed]

But the ego can't take the rejection and so we idolize and objectify the other person because they are the symbol of the thing we fear the most: lifetime loneliness and fundamental unlovability. Blame your parents.

 

That is really it. You said is perfect, cause I know that's probably what most people fear including myself and thats why it becomes so hard to let go of the other person. Fear of loneliness.

[In Sync]

Fear of failure....Often the other person really isn't worth all the heartache and obsession. But the ego can't take the rejection and so we idolize and objectify the other person because they are the symbol of the thing we fear the most: lifetime loneliness and fundamental unlovability. Blame your parents.

 

So in effect I may have just been reprogrammingmyself that I'm in still in love with the ex when really I am not "in love". That's why when I truthfully look at how it really was with him, for the most part I was unhappy and felt ill at ease. But still I wasn't ready to go at it alone...he was better than being alone. My fear of loneliness was always kept me clinging to that guy.

The thing is I've conditioned myself to thinking he was worth it...The trick is undoing all those self induced lies that I swallowed to think that he was my be all.

[Natalie05]

Bendit hit the nail on the head!

 

My ex ruined our relationship by forcing way too much too soon (marriage, wanting to live together, etc.). For a long time he blamed me for everything.

 

I realized it wasn't me at all - it was his desperate need for me to hurry up and move in, marry and give him security BEFORE I found out who he really was. He was very insecure thus trying to rush me into committment I'd then be his and when I discovered who he really was I'd be stuck with no where to go.

 

Moral of the story - don't fall so easily for people who sweep you off your feet and charm you. When you end up saying "This person is too good to be true" it's a major red flag. My ex put on a great act - I fell for it then put the brakes on...........and for once I paid attention to those red flags and used my head to proceed with caution.

 

Unfortunately he got angry and mad and dumped me. He professed undying love, swore I was "the one", produced engagement ring, etc. But because I wouldn't move at accelerated speed suddenly I was wasting him time.

 

His previous history of speed dating, producing engagement rings and proposing after only weeks of knowing someone will be repeated over and over until he "traps" a victim.

 

Just like Bendit said - he didn't love me - he was putting on an act. I realize now that my ex is very unsure of himself, very self absorbed and narcisstic and the best thing I ever did was stick with no contact and get away from him.

 

I wasn't special - I was just the next victim in line he wanted to try and fill a void with. He felt like an embarrassment to his mother, sisters and other family members because he's the only one not married and settled (and at his age of 47 - he said he "needs a wife and needs to be settled!".

 

He was too desperate - a sign of low self esteem I think. I want someone secure with himself - who loves me for who I am.

[Nubemeister]

I went the same way too...I loved my ex. But he dumped me and I was beating myself up over it because I had failed to make the relationship work twice....

and now im afraid of failing anyone and if I do...I accept it to be me..a failure. It's just worked out in a negative way for me.

 

Originally Posted by johan

Fear of failure and a deep need to believe that we are lovable. Failures cause us to start plotting ways to salvage success. And having someone who knows us better than anyone else tell us they don't love us is too hard a message to take. So we HAVE to fix it. It's easier to take a breakup when you love yourself, but that's especially hard to do when going through a breakup.

 

Often the other person really isn't worth all the heartache and obsession. But the ego can't take the rejection and so we idolize and objectify the other person because they are the symbol of the thing we fear the most: lifetime loneliness and fundamental unlovability. Blame your parents

 

I agree...

[AltplanB]

what about the actual guys that aren't putting up an act. I never put up an act, i wanted nothing more than to be my ex's everything. Bringing her flowers, sending her cards, visiting her at work...I did it all. I was genuine and she loved it. Why did she dump me? She keeps changing her reasons but deep down, i think she's confused and is scared of being in a relationship that could be her last. i dunno

[johan]

So in effect I may have just been reprogrammingmyself that I'm in still in love with the ex when really I am not "in love". That's why when I truthfully look at how it really was with him, for the most part I was unhappy and felt ill at ease. But still I wasn't ready to go at it alone...he was better than being alone. My fear of loneliness was always kept me clinging to that guy.

The thing is I've conditioned myself to thinking he was worth it...The trick is undoing all those self induced lies that I swallowed to think that he was my be all.

 

Ok, I'll be Mr. Sensitive Guy and give you my theories...

 

We are programmed by our parents to get our love from them, and then at some point we get it from our friends, and then we get it from our significant others. Many people never really learn to provide their own love. The whole idea of that seems weird, because all we ever do is surround ourselves with people and get love from relationships. That's why people don't like to be alone: no love.

 

It makes a huge difference if you love yourself at least as much as you love anyone else and in the same way. Then you can be as forgiving of yourself. And you can appreciate yourself, and you believe that others will, too. Then you'll be more confident and you'll automatically do more looking at your future and where you want to go, instead of looking back all the time wishing things were different.

 

I tend to be WAY more forgiving of others for major mistakes than I am of myself for small ones. Getting dumped is pretty major, so when I blame myself for one of those, it can lead to massive self-hate. And with that comes almost idolizing the person who left, because they for a long time made me believe they thought I was flawless. Because I only valued myself as much as they did, they were the total source of my self-worth.

 

When they stopped valuing me, my world collapsed for a while. I had to find someone else to value me, which was really hard because I had no self-worth. And I was super afraid of having someone hurt me again. I became angry and cynical. I stopped believing in love and relationships at all. Just miserable and depressed.

 

The mind game I figured out to fix it was to imagine meeting someone exactly like me. I thought about what I would think of that guy. When I realized, from thinking like that, that I actually would really like myself, things started to change for me. I became more fair about my relationship failures. I started to see how the other person contributed and I was able to forgive us both for being morons.

 

I think anyone who is taking a breakup hard may be having the same issues I had. Maybe I'm not always right, but then I know a lot of people wouldn't even know they were doing it.

[steffany]

Hmmm...I broke up with the man I love because he is going down the wrong path in life and no matter what I say he can't get on another path. He knows he is on the wrong path but can't get off.

 

 

So to say that we want a person back to prove that they love us or that we can't seem to get over them because we don't love ourselves enough is not true.

 

I want the person back (he doesn't know) and I can't seem to really get him outta my life and get over the pain of him not being there.

 

I think time heals everything. And in time the pain I feel strongly today will not be so evident.

 

I think we want a person we cannot have because love does make us deaf blind and dumb. I have seen an episode on the Discovery channel where they show how areas of the brain act when they are talking about or around the person they love. And yes the way the brain reacts actually makes us dumb and in love. The old saying love is blind.

 

I also think that it is hard to get over someone you cared about because you care about them. When you are part of their life you can help them with problems show them a new way of looking at the world...you enlighten one another. You have some sort of input on desicions they make. When you are out of the person's life you have no say in anything they decide and you have no way of showing them the wonderful things you are learning in this world...and warning them of not so wonderful things you are learning. I think that is why it is hard to let go.

[AltplanB]

Dude its called vanity. Its like a one of the seven deadly sins i think. And your telling us that its a positive trait that we should pursue? Something we should learn before dating? The people who learn that are the ones that stay single until thier in their 40's. They are the women on that sex in the city show. Always analyzing and loving themselves more than others. To be in love is to be vulnerable and it is to be human. With to much self love comes the inability to love others to the full extent that they deserve.

 

....response?

[steffany]

Loving yourself is not vanity. Vanity is feelings of excessive pride. Loving yourself is knowing who you are and knowing you are a good person and worthy of great love.You can love yourself and be humble and vulnerable.

 

Not loving yourself blinds you from what you could really have and be in this life.

[johan]

....response?

 

You didn't understand.

[In Sync]

That's why people don't like to be alone: no love.

 

It makes a huge difference if you love yourself at least as much as you love anyone else and in the same way. Then you can be as forgiving of yourself. And you can appreciate yourself, and you believe that others will, too. Then you'll be more confident and you'll automatically do more looking at your future and where you want to go, instead of looking back all the time wishing things were different.

 

When they stopped valuing me, my world collapsed for a while. I had to find someone else to value me, which was really hard because I had no self-worth. And I was super afraid of having someone hurt me again. I became angry and cynical. I stopped believing in love and relationships at all. Just miserable and depressed.

I think anyone who is taking a breakup hard may be having the same issues I had. Maybe I'm not always right, but then I know a lot of people wouldn't even know they were doing it.

 

So far what you've pointed out has been on point. I definitely realize now how much I depended on how he valued me. I felt great that he liked me. And when the shift became subtle that I wasn't valued in his eyes anymore I felt flawed. Of course had I a healthier perception of myself I would have said fine, I don't need him or this unsatisfying relationship. I stopped seeing that I am actually a great person who I also comes with human flaws, but I liked me. In my relationship I saw a distorted picture of myself. If he had a negative opinion about me I felt hmmm, maybe there is a problem. It also never occurred to me that just because I loved someone their thinking could be a distorted perception. Because I idolized him he couldn't be wrong.

I am hard on myself. I need to learn how to forgive myself, for seeking approval from him and losing sight of who I am. this has been a rough journey for me.

[fomerlyniceguy]

Alright you've got my attention. This is food to digest. Fear of failure. I had always felt that I had failed again with this one.

 

I can understand the thoughts of failure, been there done that. Look at it this way though for you to have failed someone had to succeed. Was it him? Probably not. Just like it takes two to make a relationship work it only takes one to make them fail. You put your time in on making it work, who didn't? The person who walked away. It may not be a lot of comfort and you may feel like you lost out, but in the end you can tell yourself I stuck with it, I can make it work with someone else that is willing to make it work. In that you will find your success.

 

fng

[In Sync]

I can understand the thoughts of failure, been there done that. Look at it this way though for you to have failed someone had to succeed. Was it him? Probably not. Just like it takes two to make a relationship work it only takes one to make them fail. You put your time in on making it work, who didn't? The person who walked away. It may not be a lot of comfort and you may feel like you lost out, but in the end you can tell yourself I stuck with it, I can make it work with someone else that is willing to make it work. In that you will find your success.

 

fng

 

This is true. I've had a lot to mull over reading this thread, I come away with a new way to view this "setback" everytime I read it. I was taking the full responsibility for what happen, blaming me and what I could have done or didn't do. Down to the point of it's my fault I wasn't good enough. Hell..I could have spun gold for that guy and you know what, he still would have been the same, and still would he would not have not wanted to be with me. The more I see it was not a positive relationship and hurtful I see it was a good loss.