qtstorm Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 Hi everyone. I have a long story that I've already told on a previous post called open and closed. I think my wife believes that all of my problems can be solved with sex. If she gives me sex I'll shut up. We just had sex and I feel a little empty. Yesterday she went out with her girlfriends and came back in around 5 in the morning. I overheard her talking on the phone with them about the sex she had with guy#3. She told me about it tonight and then said I was only mad because we hadn't had sex in a couple of days. So, we had sex. I'm still not satisfied with this situation. She gives me sex and then goes to work. I told her tonight that I no longer wanted to be in an open relationship. She said that she doesn't think that's possible. I told her that I want to close the door. She told me that when it comes to guy#1 she won't be able to honor my wishes. She told me that she will sleep with guy#1 again, because it's her body. She thinks I'm acting crazy. I did sleep with one other woman. I did it to even the score. I just played into her trap. I feel like crap! I really messed up. I don't know how to be OK again. I don't have anybody to talk to about this. When I talk to her she always wins the conversation. She told me that I'm still her main man. That I have more sex with her than any of the other guys. She tells me that she never gives these men all of her. She says that she gives me all. She says that since I played the game I don't have the right to say when the game is over. I'm afraid to tell her I don't want her anymore because that is not true. I didn't think we were in love when we got married. After having a child at the age of 19 ( she being 17) we got married 3 years later. So now with five years of marriage and 3 kids I feel trapped. I feel powerless. I don't believe I could find another woman. I don't want another woman. I just wanted to add another dimension to our sex life. Now I feel like I've entered the dimension know as the Twilight Zone!
lilmoma1973 Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 Sorry that this has happen to your relationship .. Whose idea was it to have a open relationship? Now that has happen this has opened up a whole new can of worms .. If she won't stop doing this then you will need to decide what is best for you in this relationship and whether you want to continue on she has told you she wasn't going to quit because you played the game and now she likes this game and don't want to quit ...You can't have your cake and eat it too!! You can tell her that you want it to be just her and if she can't do that for you then maybe you need to move on or try to get her into counseling to see if this is fixable!!! Good luck hope it all works out...
whichwayisup Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 Either you're OK with an open relationship or you're not. Judging by what you have said and they way you are - I don't think you're cut out to be in a relationship like that. It's not good for your heart and is causing you pain. The distrust is always gonna be there too. If you love her, do you really wanna share her? You need to do some real soul searching - STOP having sex with her for a while and figure out what you want. Both of you need to decide to just be exclusive or end it. This isn't cool, the way things are now.
lilmoma1973 Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 Either you're OK with an open relationship or you're not. Judging by what you have said and they way you are - I don't think you're cut out to be in a relationship like that. It's not good for your heart and is causing you pain. The distrust is always gonna be there too. If you love her, do you really wanna share her? You need to do some real soul searching - STOP having sex with her for a while and figure out what you want. Both of you need to decide to just be exclusive or end it. This isn't cool, the way things are now. Totally agree with you WWIU!!! Move on if she can't give you what you want and won't be exclusive !!!
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 I told her tonight that I no longer wanted to be in an open relationship. She said that she doesn't think that's possible. When you close the door, what do you have to offer her that would make her want to give up the happiness that she found when she felt compelled to walk through that door you two opened to begin with? Why would she come back to a closed marriage where she had to find her happiness outside of it? Why would you, for that matter? Why do you want to close the marriage? You'll have to think hard about your motivations. Is it avoidance of pain from ego crushing, the fact that you don't think you can find better, or the genuine need for happiness in a monogamous relationship with your W? Unfortunately, your marriage sounds like right now it can't survive a closed door anymore, much less an open one. If you want any chance of fixing this, you'll have to fix those things that made you want to open the door, and made her want to walk through it - and that means no outside interference. She'll have to put OM on hold and agree to some hardcore marriage counseling to see if there is anything to be salvaged here. Let her know that you and she should give it no less than six uninterrupted months to go to counseling and if it doesn't work out then you and she will need to discuss whether or not to continue together as functional partners but emotionally divorced, or to go ahead and legally divorce. I don't see a happy ending here either way if she won't agree to this. As for open marriages in general, they can work - but the marriage has to already be strong and the opening of the door a matter of choice, not a matter of compulsion to avoid unhappiness in an otherwise closed marriage. In a case like this, open marriage is simply a rest stop on the road to divorce. I'm going through a similar situation, so I can empathise with both sides.
JayKay Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 I agree with Lucrezia open marriages generally work when the two spouses already have a strong committment to each other and really, truly share a special bond. When people invite others into a marriage to 'fix' what's broken, disaster often ensues. If the marriage was empty to begin with, I think you really only have a few chioces. * Ask if your wife will committ to marriage counseling and, while doing so, agree to see only you * Discuss whether or not you are both ready to cut ties and move on * Suffer silently
LifeBound Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 as i told you in your other post, you seriously need to just go to a GOOD relationship therapist. Clearly you don't know how to combat this situation properly, nor are you expected to. It is pretty complicated and most of her problems/reasons ly deep within her head and i have little faith that you know how to draw these reasons out of her so that you both can discuss it on neutral ground. The most your going to get from this site is: 1. stay with her and work through it (w/ no real deep strategy how) 2. leave her; it is not worth your time; you can find someone better; she is lost; etc 3. why you are in the situation your in. (but really, as this is really important to understand why, you don't know where to go from there) ... so even if you point out the specific reasons why she is acting the way she is acting, as i said b4, you don't know how to combat it. It is a strategy better left to a pro in person. Or just continue feeling like ass. =/ Sal
Kenyth Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 In my opinion, an open marriage is slow death to a relationship. There are too many factors involved. You become nothing but freinds and room-mates that have sex. The deep meaningful love just isn't there. There are some rare personalities that can handle an open marriage from what I hear, but those couples seem to treat their extra-marital partners as toys or objects. I don't think that's particularly good either. All this is moot. You agreed to live this way and you can't un-ring a bell. Even if you do manage to close the marriage again, you'll find a lot of resentment rotting the foundation on both sides. I think you two need to split and start over. You need to find a committed fulfilling relationship with mutual trust and respect. That aint here in your current marriage.
killerbee98 Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 She is loving the sex now, and I know it hurts to read this, so I'm very sorry for any pain I've caused you. But she doesn't love you, if she did, stopping right away, would not have been a big deal. From my understanding, a couple with an open relationship, has a very deep bond, when they have sex, and are around each other. Yet, these couples are so sexual that being with others is strictly sex. Their partners give them a strong bond that other sexual partners can't achieve. Moreover, the sex is enjoyed when together, not hiding behind each others back. another open relationship type couple, can just be together to have a greater sexual experience, by then using each other for that lifestyle. She doesn't love you, and you will engage on this constant struggle through your life about it; unless you leave her, and move along a new path. Be there for your kids, and help raise them the right way. If it will hurt the kids at a young age to leave her, then do what you must, by staying in the relationship for a while. Look at it, as a sacafice for your kids. I'm in a relationship now, where I sometimes feel my wife is cheating on me. but I haven't found any hard evidence. Just her getting very distant, and not showing much affection and love. But if I found out she ever cheated on me, I'd leave her, and learn to live with that part of my heart destroyed. Once the trust is broken, it will never heal itself. Good Luck
wizzawhat Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 This is too bad. Nobody seems to be addressing the fact of how young they were when they got together...this is a big factor...tons change from year to year when you are that young and a lot of growing up happens. Seems to me that he is looking to move towards a monogomous relationship which is totally acceptable because he has obviously grown, but it doesn't seem that she's grown along with him. Open marriages in my opinion are just ridiculous. How can you give all of yourself to a partner and then flutter around with other people. Its selfish. Why get married...be best friends...best friends with benefits even, but don't call yourself married...that depreciates the value of the word and someone is bound to end up feeling jealous/hurt/angy or any number of things. I'm sorry for this situation and hope things get better for you!
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