Have I lost her?

[univ331]

Me, 25, and my girlfriend, 23, have only been dating for 3 months but we took things pretty fast. We met the parents after a month, and became exclusive relatively quick too. Everything seemed great, we were always enjoying each other's company and it was perfect. After a few months she wanted to slow things down, though. She said she was not able to take on the responsibility of where our relationship was headed. She felt that committment was something that was built over time. I agreed and we decided to just be "dating". She just got out of college, living on her own, starting a career, so I could understand. She said she cared very strongly for me and did not want to lose me, but that she had to do this to preserve anything that we could potentially become. I would rather continue at our current pace, but I decided to take a step back. A week or so later she would still call and text and give me a drunken "I love you" if she was out. I would try to arrange a date or at least hang out, but I got shot down twice.

 

Then we went away for Thanksgiving. I decided not to go with her to see her parents because I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable or pressured. We hardly talked at all over the holiday weekend and when I saw her the next week I asked her to dinner. She hesitantly said yes, but came back to cancel the next day. I told her that I understand that she was busy, but I was disappointed because I miss talking and hanging out with her. That was the last of our communication, and that was 3 days ago. I don't know if I should call her, or just hope that she calls me. My friends say that she's probably dating somebody else, but I doubt it. I'm crazy about her and I want things to go slow but progress. What should I do? Be patient or find out what's going on? Thanks for the help!

[AriaIncognito]

Personally, it looks to me as if she wants to break up but doesn't want to be the one to do it. I think you would be better off to move on from her. You deserve someone that will want to be with you as much as possible, not as little as possible...

 

Good luck to you,

Jennifer

[univ331]

That's what I was afraid of. In my mind I still want to hold out hope that things are going to work out. I'm hoping that she wants some time for herself and I dont want to be bugging her. Unfortunately the world is not perfect and I get the sense that something else might be going on. I guess my major issue is that I want a relationship that is going to work for once, and I thought I had it here. Things were going so well and then for things to go to this seems very odd. I'm probably going to give her a call in a couple days, but I don't want to come out too aggressive and get angry with her. I'm probably coming off as too passive, but I want to try and be the bigger person here. I thought I was in love with her, maybe I am. I am just completely confused and havent been able to concentrate or sleep in the last 2 weeks. I miss her and want her to realize what she's losing.

[Kengne]

That's what I was afraid of. In my mind I still want to hold out hope that things are going to work out. I'm hoping that she wants some time for herself and I dont want to be bugging her. Unfortunately the world is not perfect and I get the sense that something else might be going on. I guess my major issue is that I want a relationship that is going to work for once, and I thought I had it here. Things were going so well and then for things to go to this seems very odd. I'm probably going to give her a call in a couple days, but I don't want to come out too aggressive and get angry with her. I'm probably coming off as too passive, but I want to try and be the bigger person here. I thought I was in love with her, maybe I am. I am just completely confused and havent been able to concentrate or sleep in the last 2 weeks. I miss her and want her to realize what she's losing.

 

Hello hun!

 

First of all - after ONLY 3 mths I highly doubt that you were 'in love'. I believe you were infatuated. IMO 3 months is not NEARLY enough time to truly get to know someone, to truly be able to love them and be IN love with them... You are still in the honeymoon phase. Frankly I'm quite disturbed that you two were exchanging I love you's soo soon...! and I'm not surprised AT ALL that your gf has pulled back. You guys were moving way too fast IMO. I would have done the exact same thing too that your gf did - pulled back to slow things down.

 

I still think there is hope, but it wil largely depend on your actions in the next few days or weeks. You cannot stress about whether or not there is somebody else involved because technically you 2 are just 'dating' now and thus there are no longer restrictions or ties of exclusivity. You really are not in a position to get mad with her now, period.

 

The best thing you could now is to do absolutely... NOTHING. Do not contact her. Wait for her to contact you. And when she DOES, please do NOT ask questions or probe her about where are you two headed, whats going on etc.. It will only act as pressure for her, and push her even further away.

 

Right now you need to be confident, light-hearted & breezy i.e. be the light & fun person she was initally attracted to weeks ago. Don't get all heavy & emotional as it will only make you appear insecure & weak. Truss me... that is not atttractive AT ALL, and is a BIG turn off for both men AND women.

 

You need to show your gf that you are strong & secure... but most of all, do NOT pressure her! I believe that if you follow this advice... your gf will most likely come back in due time to continue a relationship with you. IMO, you are in a better position than most ppl in this forum on LS. Don't mess it up.

 

Good luck!

 

K.

[travellingman]

I was in love with my wife a few days after I met here. It's just something you feel, it doesn't stick to some regimented timetable. Don't believe this 3 months/6 months/1 year nonsense.

 

But it sounds to me like your gf feels suffocated. But you don't know (and she might not even know) if it's got more to do with her than you. Don't worry about showing her what she might be giving up, that's your defense mechanism kicking in, and you're going nowhere with her if you feel it's time to be guarded around her. Better to just take it easy, don't call too much, and let her float around a bit. If it's meant to be, she'll come right back.

[univ331]

I completely agree that we moved too fast. It was as much my fault as it was hers, she said some things to me that gave me the impression that she wanted it that way. I should have been the mature person and kept things at a nice pace, but I'm not regretting anything. My main problem is that I am very very impatient, I always want to know what is going on. By some pure stroke of luck I have not contacted her yet, as bad as I want to, I am trying to give things time. It's hard though because we live only blocks from each other, work in the same building, and workout at the same gym. I just don't really know how I will act when I actually talk to her in person. I appreciate your comments a lot, they are really helping me. My roommates are urging me not to call her, they say that's the last thing you want to do. Here's to patience....

[univ331]

Do you think she has lost respect for me? Also, sometimes I feel that if I do not call her she will forget about me and assume that I am giving up. Thats probably just another example of me over thinking.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

I would agree with your roomates and your freinds here at loveshack. It may seem hard to believe trust me I am going through far much worse. ( see my posted threads and youll be shocked!) I have been married to my husband for 3 years I am 22 known him since I was 16 if your read my posted posta ul see what happening to me

Just do this take it one step at a time .

Stop calling her maybe its okay to call her once every couple of weeks to say Hi. But your better off making her feel like O.K. without her.

Go out with your roomates , have fun take your mind off of things so that you feel less anxious. I know its soooo hard I am trying to give my husband space but we live under the same roof!! ( again read my recent post to see why)

Begging pleading calling all the time will make her feel suffocated and in the same time she will loose respect for you. And wihout respect the intimacy and everything is gone-- I found out the hard way.

When you want to vent off come here talk to us dont call her! We can only chnage ourselves we cant change others. Once she makes up her mind shell come to you. Trust me try it first you have nothing to loose.

Give it at least half the time you were together to work on it, and then youll see where everything is.

Hope that helps, I myself I am goign through hell you have no idea.

But I guess its life I started to pray and be closer to god it kid of helps. I have no family/friends. But in all cases we all must stop showing thim we are weak and build confidence because as i learnt its attractive.

Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help. I take this all very seriously I know how you feel hun.

Please Take care of yourself.

[univ331]

I am finding this much harder than I imagined. Although, I was out with my friends and we spent most of the night dancing with a group of girls at this club; my mind was elsewhere. The worst part is that I have this feeling that she is not even thinking about us. I'm going through all of this stress and worrying, but I have no idea what she is thinking/feeling. That is what hurts the most. I am completely in the dark. If she is not calling me then obviously she does not want to talk to me. I just have this fear that everything is lost. It just seems so long to go without contact, I feel like I am playing a game.

[univ331]

Well my no contact streak came to an end today. I saw her on the way to work and approached her with a "hi how are you" and just bulls***ed for about 5 minutes. I think she might have seen me because she was walking pretty fast, but I caught up to her, haha. I played it cool and didn't ask anything about us. We just talked about our weekend and then went our separate ways to work. She seemed a little cold at first but then showed a smile or two. This probably is meaningless...anyways should I continue to not call her?

[gfto]

I wouldn't call her, e-mail her, or initiate any contact with her for that matter. When she said she "wanted to slow things down," that was the ballgame. You're out. Anytime a woman tells you "we need some time out/time off/space," she's politely telling you that her romantic feelings towards you are gone, and they aren't coming back. She said she was "not able to take on the responsibility of where our relationship was headed"?! Again, womanese for "I'm not digging you anymore." You're best bet is to bow out gracefully and cut off all future contact. At this point, she's just playing with you. That's why she's breaking all these dates! You need to move on and get some new phone numbers. She'll probably call you eventually, only because she'll wonder why you quit chasing her. When she does, just pick up and say, "hey, it's great to hear from you. Listen, my date's in the kitchen making dinner, so I can't talk right now. Keep in touch." click.

 

I also hope you didn't reply to those drunken text messages. I have an ex who does the same thing. She just want to see if you'll take the bait and go chasing after her like a chump.

 

I don't mean to be so blunt about it, because I know how you're feeling. I've been in the same situation. But, don't try to hold on to someone who doesn't want you. You need to get back on top of your game and say "Next!" If you see her out somewhere, don't go out of your way to approach her. If she approaches you, just act like nothing ever happened and move on.

[travellingman]

She seemed a little cold at first but then showed a smile or two. This probably is meaningless...anyways should I continue to not call her?

 

DO NOT CALL HER!

 

Definitely time to pull back. I know how bad it must suck for you - I am also in a situation where I have to force myself not to call, and wish I could. But this is one of those cases where you have to let go, and just see what happens.

[univ331]

I do plan on making one last call sometime...I want my movies and clothes back that she has.

 

Thanks for the feedback!

[gfto]

guy, I wouldn't even call for the clothes and the movies, unless we're talking about hundreds of dollars worth of clothes and movies. If it's just a shirt and couple DVD's, let it go. If you call her, regardless of the reason, she'll see it as groveling. Be honest with yourself. Do you really want your stuff back? Or, is this just an excuse to make "one last phone call," hoping it will change things? If it's the latter, you're only going to feel worse than you already do.

[Apathygrip]

This is classic, I've been in this possition plenty of times....just let the girl go, it;s like a mini break up minus the crying and crisis....you'll be fine:D

[univ331]

I just want an answer to what happened. It does not make any sense how someone can do a complete 180 with their feelings is shuch short time. I am not going to try to get back together, if it ever happens she's going to have to initiate. I just think that I deserve an honest answer because of all of the feelings and thoughts that I devoted.

 

I used to do the fadeaway when I wanted to end it with girls. I think I'll stop now, just telling them straightforward is much more respectable.

[univ331]

I'm finding it hard not to call her just to say hi and see how she is doing. Everyone tells me how I should avoid all contact and go out and find someone better. I wish it was that easy, but I continue to think about her constantly and I just want to know what happened to us. We haven't really talked for 3 weeks, except for a 5 minute run-in on the street. I'm not upset, just very confused and lost. I figured I'd vent a little on here, but I fear that I'm going to make a call to her within the next few days.

 

Is a simple phone call really going to be that bad for me?

[gfto]

DON'T call her. It will only give her the satisfaction of knowing that you can't get over her. What happened here is that you were probably not a challenge for her, which lowered her interest in you, or her interest in you was never high to begin with. But, she'll never tell you that. If you try to get answers from her, she's just going to blow some more smoke at you, such as how she "isn't ready for the responsibility of a relationship," etc.

 

I've been in your shoes. Back in April, a girl told me that we should take some "time out" because she wasn't sure what she wanted. I simply pulled the plug on it right then and there, and cut off contact. Yes, for a month or so, it was very difficult to refrain from picking up the phone and calling her to say hi. But, I never called her. Instead, I got back out there and collected quite a few new phone numbers and found a winner! Now, I'm in a great relationship, and I've long forgotten about the "time out" girl. She has sent me a few e-mails over the last four or five months. I promptly move them into the "trash" folder without replying.

 

Trust me, it WILL pass. But, don't call her!

[Art_Critic]

My friends say that she's probably dating somebody else, but I doubt it.

 

Listen to your friends

 

You only have 3 months invested and almost a month of that you haven't talked.. find someone that wants to talk to you and spend time with you.. she doesn't

[univ331]

Thanks for the help. The only thing that bothers me is that I feel I am letting her get out of this easily. I never got to clearly express how I feel and how immature it was of her to just completely shut me out. Part of me feels she would gain respect for me if I tell her how I feel, but I also feel she'll lose it if it comes off as me being bitter and groveling.

[Art_Critic]

Letting her be will not change the way she thinks about you.

 

She has already made up her mind about you..

 

And you want her to get out easily.. that is what mature person would do

[univ331]

I'm just going to put myself on the fence and hopefully something special will come along.

 

I don't believe that relationships should cause this much anxiety in life. Eventhough she's extremely attractive and successful, I'm beginning to realize that she's not who I thought she was.