Back to NC w The Ex

[Kengne]

Hi guys and gals!

 

OMG I just spent 20 mins writing the most amazing thread and it just, ERASED!!!

 

I have not the energy to retype, but I will start a new one.

 

Many of you know my situation.

 

I'm currently in the beginning stage, again of instituing NC with my ex of M of 4 yrs who cheated. I do not want to get back with him, even tho he has continously expressed this desire since our break up 9 mths ago. I care about him because of what he meant to me in the past, but am no longer in love with him.

 

I met someone else, R, whom I dated for 5 mths after M. He ended it in Oct, and eventually told me in Nov that it was because of M, and his continued involvement in my life even tho he had done & said alot of CRAZY isth to me after our breakup. Like my other friends, R felt that M and I just CANNOT be friends, it is unhealthy etc.... I heard him, but didnt listen to him or anyone else. I continued on in my oblivion, and in the processs pushed R away as he said he felt like a 3rd wheel and couldnt understand why I

'needed' M in my life, and cared abt him SO much after EVERTHING he put me through. Ok. Fine.

 

SO now R and I are trying to work things out... we are starting over from scratch... and I have made the decision, FOR ME, even tho R never specifically asked when he came back... to go NC w M. I was good for the last 3 weeks, until M called this past Sat *(private no)*. I answered the phone, and did not end the convo immediately. He began nice, and then turned nasty and at the end told me he hated me.

 

So now I realize that YUP - it's back to NC again for me. Because us talking - PERIOD - does not work! It ALWAYS ends up bad. He ALWAYS does something to make me feel bad. And I have enabled him, by entertaining conversations with him on the phone in an effort to perhaps be the bigger person - and not hurt him, like he hurt me.

 

AND THATS WHY I FEEL STUPID NOW.WHY THE HELL WAS I WATCHING OUT FOR M? ITS CRAZY!!! HE IS CLEARLY WORKING ON HIS AGENDA *tryna get me back* and HE COULD GIVE 2 SH$TS ABOUT ME, OR ME AND R, OR MY HAPPINESS! HE IS DOING HIM - I GOTTA DO ME!!

 

It's crazy! I'm seeing all of this now, that I REFUSED to see for months earlier.

 

I forgave M for much - TOO MUCH! MUCH TOO MUCH. All to spare his feelings - WHY? I dunno and its just CRAZY to me! How could i have been so... BLIND?

 

I was blind because I didn't think. I didn't stop to think. I acted, and reacted but I did not THINK!!!

 

I can't be that blind again. I can't plead ignorance anymore. I know now - FULLY - what the deal w my ex M is. We can't be friends - PERIOD.

 

NC ALL THE WAY.

 

Forget being nice or tryna spare HIS feelings.

 

NC isn't ABOUT being nice!!! It's about MOVING ON and LETTING GO of your ex - COMPLETELY. I have to do NC for me - and f*ck what M thinks or feels. NC IS NO CONTACT - not NO CONTACT until he calls me, but NC PERIOD - EVEN WHEN HE DOES CALL!!

 

I guess I really just didn't want to have to deal with the guilttrip from not talking to him, which is the stunt he tried to pull when he called me this Sat. Emotional blackmail. I guess I will just have to suck it up. And be less concerned for his feelings, cuz he CERTAINLY hasn't shown said concern for me!

 

I have to be strong when he calls & tries to apologize. In the past I have let it slide, and let him back into my life.

 

No more.

No more.

NO MORE!!!

 

I just want this to be FULLY and COMPLETELY OVER.

If this means we become strangers in the process - so be it.

 

I feel better and stronger now... that I made the decision to NC, had a minor hitch this past Sat, but am back ON FORCE with NC.

 

6 mths ago I could not have imagined NEVER talking to M EVER AGAIN.

 

Now I accept this as a very possible and likely reality - and for once - it's OK! It doesn't hurt anymore. It is what it is. I am not trying to fight the end anymore. It is over - well and truly 100% over.

 

WHEW!!

 

2005 has certainly been a very ENLIGHTENING year for me.

Tons of revelations abt myself, my character, the character of people, and relationships in general!

 

I will always remember this year. I have learnt and grown so much in these past few mths alone - it is simply amazing to look back and think WoW.

 

I can't wait till I can sit and look back and think WoW - I have not spoken to M in X time (X being months, weeks, years etc..). That prospect no longer frightens me!

 

Whew..

 

Just had to share my thts! Tks for listening y'all - and for those who are non believers - PLEASE BELIEVE , imo, NC is THE BEST WAY TO GO - whether you are the DUMPER or the DUMPEE - its the only way to go to REALLY and TRULY move on.

 

Thanks LS!

 

Kengne.