CaliGuy Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 My ex lives with me. She sleeps on the couch. She will be there for the next two months (hopefully less). How do I implement NC in this situation? It's virtually impossible for us to not see each other, though she stays out with friends and comes home late to avoid any "talks" with me. I rarely see her on the weekends. Any advice for showing her I am moving on without her in my life and I am happy to do so?
Author CaliGuy Posted December 2, 2005 Author Posted December 2, 2005 Unfortunately it's not an option right now.
Author CaliGuy Posted December 2, 2005 Author Posted December 2, 2005 She has no place else to live. The only option is for me to demand she find other living arrangements and give her a week or two to get out.
JS17 Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 That's exactly what you should do. She has friends, she can stay with one of them.
Author CaliGuy Posted December 2, 2005 Author Posted December 2, 2005 I'll talk to her about it tonight.
JS17 Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 You're still being a doormat CaliGuy. She treated you poorly, you don't owe her anything. Its time for you to stand up for yourself. Just tell her that the arrangement isn't working for you and you need her to go stay with one of her friends. Set a time limit...by the end of the weekend or the end of next week...whatever is reasonable.
westernxer Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 Give her a week. Then toss her stuff in a box and leave it on the porch. Don't worry about her entering the property. You'll have changed the locks by then. It's all about survival, man.
Author CaliGuy Posted December 2, 2005 Author Posted December 2, 2005 You're still being a doormat CaliGuy. She treated you poorly, you don't owe her anything. Its time for you to stand up for yourself. She didn't treat me poorly, she just doesn't want to be with me right now. Doesn't want the pressure of being with anyone (dating). Just tell her that the arrangement isn't working for you and you need her to go stay with one of her friends. Set a time limit...by the end of the weekend or the end of next week...whatever is reasonable. That's what I'll say to her. Thanks for the advice!
chocolate_boy Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 She didn't treat me poorly, she just doesn't want to be with me right now. Doesn't want the pressure of being with anyone (dating). That is entirely her decision, but part of being your girlfriend involved living with you... she is not now, and no longer has that option, don't let her pick & choose which bits of you she has bud. Get her out, she wanted it this way, not you.
JaneInVegas Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 Okay, you guys are making me feel really guilty here ... I'm having problems with my boyfriend right now, and I have to make a stand. I temporarily (or perhaps permanently) moved out until he cuts me a freakin' key for the mailbox. I have nowhere else to stay, so my ex-husband cheerfully put me up on his couch. Am I wrong to do this? He certainly seems to not have any issues with it, but maybe he just didn't want to be the 'bad guy'? Aw man, now I have TWO relationships to worry about.... grumblegrumblegrumble
Heideee Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 Hi there, I stumbled upon this interesting site that looks like a support group and boy do I need that right now! I want to get to the point of total strength and healing it seems you have achieved so I can help friends and others survive insufferably cruel situations that I have endured up to 2 weeks ago. If there are souls also reading this who can empathize and encourage my struggle, I bet we will all benefit from this commiserating and experienced advice to eachother. My best friend's poor ears need a break so I'll try this venue,eh? No one takes me seriously about my extreme agonizing over the latest evil creep who fooled and used me because everyone says I don't look like a person who could be fooled or ever feel empty lonliness due to my attractive ,friendly,fun appearance according to them. But alas, it's true! Help someone who doesn't look like they need to lean on anyone will ya!? I'm good for the same to any of you too so bring on your pain and tell me....Will this last one ever realize I am the best he will ever find and come back ? The selfish, guy who called incessantly and followed me around like a maniac everywhere I went for 2 years, who, (in between meeting and screwing several other women), had done everything from stalk me at work, to yell at me in public to taking my dog hostage to make me just "talk" with him some more, who finally had coerced me into completely believeing he and I are soul mates and have a magical ,unbeatable true love just 2 weeks ago, proposing we get married and go house huntimg directly AFTER my first royalty check comes for the new invention I just accomplished. (yeah, AFTER ,he said)...But he is NOT a gold digger he demanded, he just knows we are meant to be, but meanwhile, while I slave away at finishing the prototypes for world wide mass production, he will continue on with his "friendship" with a new woman he has "fun" with ....then I fall for it like a complete fool and feel securely loved, motivated to succeed for this new happy life we'll be having together, then the very next DAY he calls and says he decided not to do all that with me and I should basically just skip along and have a nice life without him as he is just having so much easy going fun with the new gal and friends but wishes me well. I was shocked and mortified, cried and told him he will NEVER do that to me again and I changed my phone number as he was calling me over and over, leaving long,guilt ridden, cocky messages....he was then cut off. I made no contact either. Now it's been 2 weeks and he has not even tried to e-mail me.....nothing. How can a guy be so intensly freaked out in love with a woman, then be over it so quickly and not desire her anymore??? It's just more toxic insanity that he afflicted upon me for 2 years on and off over and over....ALWAYS getting back together with me after we each said goodbye forever back and forth hundreds of time before. But somehow, this time it looks like he has really stopped the madness........so why does this so deeply hurt me ,I can barely breathe or do my work and my big corporate presentation is Dec. 14!!!! He really led me to finally believe in his love, then he ditched. I need to be strong and confident and wow these stuffed suits with my work for my very LIVLIHOOD and I have no lovee man I thought was securely there with me in this endeavor. Feels like I have been punched in the stomach, all barfy and unable to breathe normal or focus on work. I am striving to be a philanthropist when I grow up and spread the wealth as I did with the first line of inventions I designed. Now I need this one to fly too. Anybody got a strong shoulder for me to weep on and get all wet? And to tell me, ~there there dear, you are wonderful and that jerk is insane and you are already a great success and that jerk IS going to try to come back but you will hate him by then anyway!!!! .ya know, something like that,ok? haha, Sorry for the long novel everyone. I haven't been allowed (because of this jerk's controlling manipualtions) to ever have other friends I could go out and play with, or sing or laugh,all of which I always did before, I want that life back but all those friends are now married or moved away. Can I ever trust another man who tells me he is in love with me ever again? It seems to always be physical more than anything. I want my soul buddy. Thanks, Haylie ~ Moderator removed outside url and requests for members to contact poster at her personal website -- please read the site's guidelines before posting Give her a week. Then toss her stuff in a box and leave it on the porch. Don't worry about her entering the property. You'll have changed the locks by then. It's all about survival, man.
Author CaliGuy Posted December 7, 2005 Author Posted December 7, 2005 Hi there, I stumbled upon this interesting site that looks like a support group and boy do I need that right now! I want to get to the point of total strength and healing it seems you have achieved so I can help friends and others survive insufferably cruel situations that I have endured up to 2 weeks ago. If there are souls also reading this who can empathize and encourage my struggle, I bet we will all benefit from this commiserating and experienced advice to eachother. My best friend's poor ears need a break so I'll try this venue,eh? No one takes me seriously about my extreme agonizing over the latest evil creep who fooled and used me because everyone says I don't look like a person who could be fooled or ever feel empty lonliness due to my attractive ,friendly,fun appearance according to them. But alas, it's true! Help someone who doesn't look like they need to lean on anyone will ya!? I'm good for the same to any of you too so bring on your pain and tell me....Will this last one ever realize I am the best he will ever find and come back ? The selfish, guy who called incessantly and followed me around like a maniac everywhere I went for 2 years, who, (in between meeting and screwing several other women), had done everything from stalk me at work, to yell at me in public to taking my dog hostage to make me just "talk" with him some more, who finally had coerced me into completely believeing he and I are soul mates and have a magical ,unbeatable true love just 2 weeks ago, proposing we get married and go house huntimg directly AFTER my first royalty check comes for the new invention I just accomplished. (yeah, AFTER ,he said)...But he is NOT a gold digger he demanded, he just knows we are meant to be, but meanwhile, while I slave away at finishing the prototypes for world wide mass production, he will continue on with his "friendship" with a new woman he has "fun" with ....then I fall for it like a complete fool and feel securely loved, motivated to succeed for this new happy life we'll be having together, then the very next DAY he calls and says he decided not to do all that with me and I should basically just skip along and have a nice life without him as he is just having so much easy going fun with the new gal and friends but wishes me well. I was shocked and mortified, cried and told him he will NEVER do that to me again and I changed my phone number as he was calling me over and over, leaving long,guilt ridden, cocky messages....he was then cut off. I made no contact either. Now it's been 2 weeks and he has not even tried to e-mail me.....nothing. How can a guy be so intensly freaked out in love with a woman, then be over it so quickly and not desire her anymore??? It's just more toxic insanity that he afflicted upon me for 2 years on and off over and over....ALWAYS getting back together with me after we each said goodbye forever back and forth hundreds of time before. But somehow, this time it looks like he has really stopped the madness........so why does this so deeply hurt me ,I can barely breathe or do my work and my big corporate presentation is Dec. 14!!!! He really led me to finally believe in his love, then he ditched. I need to be strong and confident and wow these stuffed suits with my work for my very LIVLIHOOD and I have no lovee man I thought was securely there with me in this endeavor. Feels like I have been punched in the stomach, all barfy and unable to breathe normal or focus on work. I am striving to be a philanthropist when I grow up and spread the wealth as I did with the first line of inventions I designed. Now I need this one to fly too. Anybody got a strong shoulder for me to weep on and get all wet? And to tell me, ~there there dear, you are wonderful and that jerk is insane and you are already a great success and that jerk IS going to try to come back but you will hate him by then anyway!!!! .ya know, something like that,ok? haha, Sorry for the long novel everyone. I haven't been allowed (because of this jerk's controlling manipualtions) to ever have other friends I could go out and play with, or sing or laugh,all of which I always did before, I want that life back but all those friends are now married or moved away. Can I ever trust another man who tells me he is in love with me ever again? It seems to always be physical more than anything. I want my soul buddy. Thanks, Haylie ~ Moderator removed outside url and requests for members to contact poster at her personal website -- please read the site's guidelines before posting It's painfully obvious he is a bad guy who has been manipulating you for his own benefit. He doesn't "want" you, he wants what you can provide him. The minute you stop providing it to him, he'll find someone else who will. Bottom line is he is not a healthy person and healthy people should be attracted and seek out other health people. His dysfunctional behavior is causing you to come down to his level. DON'T DO IT. You seem to be bright, articulate and a good person, you deserve better. Once you convince yourself of that (and really, you do) only then will you be able to break free of his chains and assert yourself. You will find someone worthy of your love when you convince yourself that you deserve better. I've been sinking this into my head and slowly it's starting to work. Yes, I love her dearly, but she doesn't deserve a good man like me in her life. She's selfish and unkind. She's a liar. She's messy and she's completely dysfunctional in her inability to communicate. That's no basis for a relationship for me and this guy has nothing that compliments you or makes you a better person. He's making you worse and when you realize that, you'll be on your way to recovery. I've been in the same boat and all I did was 'enable' her to use and abuse me. It was me who allowed this to happen and thus the same for you. Take control and get that creep out of your life and out of your head. Excercise, work on your projects, hang out with friends and keep your mind occupied. And when he does enter your thoughts, try to remember every mean detail you've provided here. Sooner than you think, you'll be over him.
riobikini Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 Dude..you HAVE to tell her to MOVE OUT!!!! No Contact means that you have (get this) NO CONTACT. If she's living in the house w/you, sleeping on the (!!!!!) couch, then obviously she's gonna be close and see you everyday. Either YOU move out...or SHE should move out. Question: Who's paying the rent/payment/bills???? The answer should determine who moves out. If it's more complicated than that...leave!
Author CaliGuy Posted December 9, 2005 Author Posted December 9, 2005 Dude..you HAVE to tell her to MOVE OUT!!!! No Contact means that you have (get this) NO CONTACT. If she's living in the house w/you, sleeping on the (!!!!!) couch, then obviously she's gonna be close and see you everyday. Either YOU move out...or SHE should move out. Question: Who's paying the rent/payment/bills???? The answer should determine who moves out. If it's more complicated than that...leave! I pay all the bills and she left this morning Now she is going to have to live with her mom for a while (and she hates that) and have a longer drive to work and less privacy, but hey, that's not my problem. She's gone and now I have my space back and I can put the pieces back together. I have a date tomorrow night so that's a start.
Art_Critic Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 Now that's talking.. way to take your future by the ballz I pay all the bills and she left this morning Now she is going to have to live with her mom for a while (and she hates that) and have a longer drive to work and less privacy, but hey, that's not my problem. She's gone and now I have my space back and I can put the pieces back together. I have a date tomorrow night so that's a start.
Author CaliGuy Posted December 9, 2005 Author Posted December 9, 2005 Now that's talking.. way to take your future by the ballz Well we did leave each other not angry, that's a good thing. I mean, she's happy, believe it or not, because she has a new guy and she's spending the weekend with him. So really, the effect this will have on her will take some time to settle in. Ex's don't really care about you when they have someone else in their lives. It's only when they are lonely do they start questionning the relationship they had with you. I know in my ex's case, the only time she wanted to be with me was when she was lonely. I wish I had known that in advance and I'd have told her to shove off.
riobikini Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 CaliGuy...you're a decent man. You were just being taken advantage of. I believe you did the right thing. Take care of yourself and CHOOSE to be happy! -Rio
theone44 Posted December 24, 2005 Posted December 24, 2005 My ex lives with me. She sleeps on the couch. She will be there for the next two months (hopefully less). How do I implement NC in this situation? It's virtually impossible for us to not see each other, though she stays out with friends and comes home late to avoid any "talks" with me. I rarely see her on the weekends. Any advice for showing her I am moving on without her in my life and I am happy to do so? By law u got to give her 30 days notice,and after that tell her adios amingo. Remember u not no one babysitter..
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