seachange Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 Because when he tells me he hasn't had sex with his wife in six months and never will again... I YELL at him. I mean I REALLY let him have it relentessly. I mean I get very uspet when he tells me no sex with the wife. He cannot stand this confrontation and the yelling and wants it to desperately stop. By yelling I mean constant and relentless interrogation and questioning. He has anxiety and cannot handle such things. He actually begs me to please stop and that he cannot handle it. I then tell him the fighting will ONLY stop if he tells me does have sex with his wife. So logic should tell him to just lie to me in that case and tell me he does have sex with his wife and the yelling would stop. Sorry if what I wrote doesn't make sense, I hope you see what I'm trying to say? Yes, I see what you're saying. So let me just say this: he's on to you. Basically I was trying to in a way trick him into telling the truth and make him "believe" that things would be easier for him to just say he does have sex with his wife even if it's not the truth. P.S_ Once I even seriously told him I refuse to see him if he doesn't tell me the truth and just say "Yes, I do have sex with my wife".... and "Yes, I have had sex with my wife during the past 6 months". His response was why on earth am I forcing him to lie to me. He then sits o the couch and starts waving his arms that he just cannot understand why I would be acting this way forcing him to lie and that what I'm saying to him is ridiculous and he doens't know what else to say but that he refused to lie to me. DW, I see where this is going. But think about this: he knows better than anyone that he needs to lie his ass off here. He will swear to you, up and down and all around that he hasn't slept with her, regardless of you telling him how much you don't believe him and how all the yelling will stop if he just admits it. He knows better. You'll never get the truth out of him that way. I'm sorry, but I hope you're not tempted to buy this crap. 'Cause that's what it is. He's shady, but not stupid. The minute he admits it, he knows perfectly well he's sunk.
whichwayisup Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 thanks, coco. holy crap it's cold out.....and right now i am curled up with a glass of you on the couch and covered with a bug fuzzy blanket. Cute...Just make sure you know what it is that's floating in that cup of coco! He knows better. You'll never get the truth out of him that way. I'm sorry, but I hope you're not tempted to buy this crap. 'Cause that's what it is. He's shady, but not stupid. The minute he admits it, he knows perfectly well he's sunk. I think that is bang on. He isn't stupid...He knows what to say and what not say. Why ruin a good thing - Keep the peace at any cost/white lie.
Author DepressedWaiting Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 Now I am very confused. But once... and I mean just ONCE he said to me "Fine, you want the truth I'll give you the truth" and he admitted that yes he has had sex with his wife in the past six moths. I calmly thanked him for being honest and said that's all I wanted and to please keep being honest with me. He then told me this was not true and he really hadn't had sex with his wife. Why would he do that then though if he's lying? I mean I THANKED him for finally just saying it and admitting it and that was all I wanted... the truth. I didn't flip out or re-act in rage. I ONLY do that when he tells me he has NOT had sex with his wife. I flipped out when he took his answer back and told me he hadn't had sex with his wife. I started screaming at him that I'm not an idiot to believe something so incredibly ridiculous and told him he cannot possibly be this stupid to NOT see that I am much more content with him just admitting he does have sex with his wife. I am done with this though, it really shouldn't be like this. I mean get a damned divorce or quit ruining my life. I am so done. But I'm just curious, what do you guys think of the above? Like I said, it just does NOT make sense for him to lie... he saw it was better with the truth. I didn't flip out, I thanked him!
seachange Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 How long was it between when he admitted it and then denied it again?
RainyDayWoman Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 You're very funny Rainy! Shouldn't have said that because now I'm going to tell you that I had a dream about you a week or two ago and even said as much in a post. I just can't remember the damn dream though anymore. You were warning me about something or someone. Damn! Can't remember! weird......i must have missed that post. isn't it weird how you can dream about people you don't know? and wwiu....i'm not worried...i like the man puddin, remember? okay, sorry, DW. back to the unnecessary drama.
Hot Coco Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 weird......i must have missed that post. isn't it weird how you can dream about people you don't know? and wwiu....i'm not worried...i like the man puddin, remember? okay, sorry, DW. back to the unnecessary drama. You crack me up! Unecessary drama is right! The whole OW/MM dynamic though is unnecessary drama though if you think about it.
Author DepressedWaiting Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 seachange, It was ony a minute later he took it back. He told me he had sex with his wife in the past six mnths. I then thanked him and told him that was all I wanted to know which was the truth. Actually.... I then I asked how many times he had sex with his wife in the past six months... I said probably at least 3 or 4 times right if not more right? I said I know it is, not that I care I'm just curious how many times. He then jokingly said "100 times". I then told him I did not think this was funny nor a time to joke and this is very seruous to me. He then told me he really hadn't had sex with his wife and to please drop the subject because it's ridiculous and he has no reason to lie about it except for my outbursts when he tells me the truth. But this I know, his wife lied to me on the phone when I told her he told me in the past they only have sex once a month. She said that was a lie. I'm almost 100% positive they do not have sex once a month (not that often). So I know his wife was lying to me trying to ward me off. A year ago he told me they have sex once a month/ every six weeks and sometimes longer in between. Once he went 3 months with no sex with her. But these past 6 months... he claims he's stopped having sex and wasn't going to anymore. I asked him WHY. He told me it's been so long plus he has no desire for his wife like that and he is desperately working for a way out of his marriage to be with me.
RainyDayWoman Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 well, no offense DW, but he does has the right to have sex with his wife. he doesn't really have the right to have sex with you, nor you with him. what is it that makes you think you have the authority expect a married man to only have sex with his on-the-side woman? he made no commitment to you. he did make one to his wife. i'm just trying to understand.
Sami_D Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 I'm not entirely sure about this argument, RDW. But I think it's something to do with your expressing this in terms of 'rights'. What sort of rights do you mean? How can anyone have a 'right' (or not) to have sex with another person (disregarding under-age or non-consenting issues). I would have thought that 'rights' only really came into it when one is refusing sex with someone. Everyone has the right not to be molested against their will. At the same time I would have thought that anyone, within or outside a M, has the 'right' to request that the person they're involved with does not have sex with someone else. Even if that 'someone else' is their W. I certainly wouldn't have sex with someone who was sleeping with another person (and I'm including my MM in that). However, I think these are side-issues, and I don't want to hijack the thread.
newbby Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 i think the issue in question is that dw felt she had a right to the TRUTH from mm. she also was led to believe that he would be telling the truth to his wife.
seachange Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 DW, that's what I was afraid of. I still think that he's onto you, that he knows good and well that if he were to truly admit it, you'd be calm, thank him for telling the truth - and then, all hell would really break loose. Either you'd break it off with him altogether, which of course he doesn't want, since he's a cakeman - or you'd hound him about it more, even if you didn't intend to initially. You'd want to know how often, how good it was, etc. etc. Just the fact that you asked him, over and over, rather obsessively, whether he's still having sex with her indicates to him your true feelings on the subject. I'm sorry, but this is a VERY common MM lie. He knows he's in for worse, no matter what you say, if he comes clean. Whether he's having sex more than once a month? No idea. I suspect yes, however. Another common MM lie is to at least downplay the frequency of sex with the wife, or the quality of it. Of course, no one knows for sure what goes on between two people - but you really ought to remember that this man is not going to be a good "reporter". He's going to tell you what he knows you really want to hear. And he knows that because you've made it crystal clear how you really feel about it. Sorry. I know you want to believe what you want to believe, and I know it's hard to hear that even this one thing you sort-of-believed isn't likely to be true. But it isn't. You need to see that, and find a way to distance yourself from this person. He's lying to you enough for the both of you: don't lie to yourself as well.
newbby Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 dw, my exmm told me many lies aswell. its not easy to see when they are lying, even when you are expecting it. i was really expecting it, the a was over for me, i had moved on emotionally etc and he was trying to get me back and i was listening to his lies and laughing to myself but even then, even then it was very hard to tell which was a lie and which wasnt. they are usually good at lying, i dont know why, i think its partly they are good and sometimes because you just cannot believe that anybody could lie quite so outrageously. i think your safest bet is to assume that EVERYTHING that comes out of his mouth is a lie until proven otherwise, and by proven i dont mean he shows the corresponding emotion on his face, i mean he is no longer married to his wife.
Author DepressedWaiting Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 I'm starting to feel really sick again. Thanks for all the responses, it's really opened my eyes even further. Yes, I believe EVERYTHING out of his mouth is a lie until I have been proven otherwise... meaning he is FULLY divorced. I'm not going to keep posting here because there is no point because I'm just going in circles trying to fiqure out something which isn't going to be fiqured out. I have dumped him and have told him that he will NEVER see me again until he is fully divorced. He told me to give him some time and he will come back for me and prove me wrong. So I guess time will tell.
newbby Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 ok dw, if you think it is better for you to stop posting. its the shock making you feel sick, i really know how awful it feels to be in that kind of shock, and i really sympathise with you. i just want to tell you again though, you WILL get over this, no matter how it seems now, and the less contact you have with mm the quicker you will get over it. take lots of care ((hugs))
RainyDayWoman Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 I'm not entirely sure about this argument, RDW. But I think it's something to do with your expressing this in terms of 'rights'. What sort of rights do you mean? How can anyone have a 'right' (or not) to have sex with another person (disregarding under-age or non-consenting issues). I would have thought that 'rights' only really came into it when one is refusing sex with someone. Everyone has the right not to be molested against their will. At the same time I would have thought that anyone, within or outside a M, has the 'right' to request that the person they're involved with does not have sex with someone else. Even if that 'someone else' is their W. I certainly wouldn't have sex with someone who was sleeping with another person (and I'm including my MM in that). However, I think these are side-issues, and I don't want to hijack the thread. well, there was no argument. maybe "right" isn't quite the right word, but i assumed that the person i was addressing (DW) would understand what i meant. these posts aren't exactly legal documents. i think you just like to disagree with me over petty little things. please stop. but yes, that is also a side issue.
Sami_D Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 My apologies RDW. I wasn't trying to make a personal point (I don't even know if I've replied to anything else you've written). I was talking about something I feel strongly about, since it affects my OWN situation.
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