UPDATE on wife finding out...

[DepressedWaiting]

For those who read my thread titled "Wife just found out, I am in shock feeling sick please help".

 

Well I certainly have an update. I called MM as I just NEED answers and I NEED the truth about this whole situation and what happened that night. He tells me of course what he said in front of his wife was not the truth and that he was defending himself and caught off guard. He says I "betrayed" him and that he is extremely hurt I would do this to him. Give me a break.

 

He tells he WAS going to get a divorce and was working on it and that he can't understand why I did this (calling his hosue that night which caused his wife to find out that is) when he told me things would change in just two more months when he buys the condo his wife wanted to live in part time because the condo is closer to her work an hour away. And that then he was going to file for divorce when she can moves into the condo (which she wanted to do anyway) because then it's easier than filing while she's still living with him fighting. Especially since she would not leave the house in that case and make things more difficult.

 

He told me he also thought his wife's calm re-action was not normal and strange but that she did yell at him afterwards. He tells me he was NOT lying about not having sex with his wife and that he has no reason to lie about that and he has no problem telling me the truth in regards to that. He also told me that he wants to go to a therapist with me for counseling. I told him... and I meant it... that he will not see me EVER again unless and until he has FILED for divorce and his wife no longer lives with him and that THEN I would be more than happy to go to a counselor. Until then I told him he is an IDIOT, of course the counselor is going to say we should end all contact completely until he gets his sh*t together.

 

Whenever I tell him married men RARELY leave their wife's for the OW... he thinks that is BS. I mean he REALLY does. He tells me to go to a therpist with him so that a therapist can evaluate us properly and that then he will believe what is said and that he refuses to read any non-sense online about these situations.

HE needs a wake up call about how screwed up HE is. I don't know what has happened... but I am VERY glad I spoke to MM face to face today. It really opened up my eyes.

 

I am no longer going to be in pain over an idiot. If he wants me... then get a damned divorce or don't you DARE ever stand before me again. I'm fine with it now. I am sick and disgusted. Yuck!!!!

 

He tells me he will prove me wrong and that then I will feel guilty for telling his wife all the details. He also agrees counseling would definitely be a good thing and needed for the both of us.

[whichwayisup]

I guess time will tell, won't it. I'm not sure who is telling the truth, him or her, but either way you now know what's going on and you got some answers.

[Rodeogirl]

Your story is starting to have holes, and I am starting to not believe some of it. Are you playing around??

 

I thought when you showed up at the hosue you got the answers you needed?? If he wanted you so bad you would not be the one doing all the contacting.

[DepressedWaiting]

Oh, also I was wrong about his wife already knowing about the affair. remeber how I said when I called his house that night that MM said "My wife already knows"?

 

Well tuirns out I was dead wrong. What happened was 4 months ago I become completely fed up with this situation and MM has some very expenvise sung glasses which he was wearing on his head. I was yelling at him and out of anger I took the glases from his head and threw them to the floor smashing them to pieces. I also slapped him. I know this was very wrong of me and unacceptable but I lost my temper. I've never slapped anyone before in my life and don't have a problem with anger. This was a one-time incidence. MY MM was beaten as a child and really took that hard. So when he went home and his wife asked where his glasses were e broke down crying and told her that I smashed his glasses. That's all he told his wife. Then his wife started fighting with him demandig to know whetehr he is having an afafir with me. He denied it. But on the inside I guess she already secreetly knew.

 

So that night when I called MM angrily... his wife was playing it cool on the phone to psych me out acting like she really already did know when she didn't. She was just extremely suspicious.

 

So basically I told my MM's wife everything and screwed him over big time. I mean I was out for blood when I was on the phone with his wife. MM heard everything I told his wife. I mean that is amazing... I go and tell his wife that be has been cheating on her forever and MM is still talking to me. I think most MM would dump the OW in an instant once this happened don't you think?

 

He ALWAYS used to tell me over and over agian that if I ever told his wife he would never forgive me and would never talk to me again. I used to threaten to tell his wife all the time... I mean constantly. Of course I really didn't ever mean it. I just felt like I had no power over the situation so that was the only thing I could use against him to feel in control. He even knew that I had phone conversation tapes of him because I told him I did.

 

He is just as shocked as I am in his wife's re-action upon her discovery of tha affair because he thoguht she would kick him out of the house and divorce him for every cent he has. That's why he was deafly afraid of her finding out.

 

And his wife did believe what I was saying to her. She didn't even want me to send her proof. I don't know, this whole thing is trange and I want NO part of it. Get a divorce or forget I exist. I'm out.

[Hot Coco]

I agree Rodeo. And also, didn't you say that the wife already knew before your call? I'm confused. Now you're saying she found out the night of your call...????

[DepressedWaiting]

No, I specifically said... when I went to MM's house he would NOT give me any answers except for one thing. He said what he said in front of his wife on the phone to me was not true. He REFUSED to give any further answers. I was only at MM's house for about 5 mintues.

 

However such posts as yours is infuriating. Why on earth would I be posting this as bogus? Are you out of your mind. I just went through h*ll. And I mean complete h*ll. I was in complete devastation and still am. I don't need to see useless posts such as that. If yu have a problem with my situation then please move on to another thread. It's just really unecessary.

[DepressedWaiting]

Please re-read the posts I posted above about his wife knowing about the affair.

 

I am just as confused as anyone here. I don't know what the real turth is. To me it's all just very strange. Like I said I am done with MM until he is divorced. I still feel sick and am hurting like crazy. I am done.

[Rodeogirl]

Bascially i gathered my infof rom what you initially said

 

She knew 6 months ago about the affair with you, he said this while she was standiing there during the first phone call, BEFORE he gave her the phone!!

 

Now why would he give her the phone to speak to you if he was afraid of being "outted" something is not adding up.

[whichwayisup]

Quit ragging on DW. She's here for advice, support whatever, but not to be accused of lying and making stuff up. WHO cares if some things don't make sense, I'm sure to her some of it makes no sense...I really believe noone in this situation would be making stuff up... If you don't like it, don't reply and comment on it.

[Sami_D]

In your original thread, DW, you stated that she had known for 6 months and was very calm, and concerned for you.

 

Are you allowing your further conversations with MM to cloud your original judgment on this? Please be careful not to listen too much to what he says at the moment. I was really certain in the other thread that you had seen the light... but now it's getting very fuzzy again.

 

Whether she knew 6 months ago or just learnt of the A... she accepted the situation. She told you (within his hearing?) that she was still sleeping with him..?

 

He's backpedalling.

 

And you're in grave danger of listening to whatever he says to you... same as she is doing (esp. not listening to the taped convos you offered). The difference being... she's the one married to him. You're nowhere... so you can't afford to accept his B S.

[RainyDayWoman]

I agree Rodeo. And also, didn't you say that the wife already knew before your call? I'm confused. Now you're saying she found out the night of your call...????

 

 

yeah.....i got that too. that's the first thing i thought.

 

 

wow, wwiu, you have a lot more faith than i do!

 

i do think rodeo is right, though, a few things don't add up...

 

whatever. it shouldn't really affect us.

[DepressedWaiting]

No, he did not hand her the phone. He hung up. I kept yelling at him to put his wife on the phone, he was doing whatever he could to stop me from talking to her. He kept repeating.. she already knows ever since you broke her glasses. I'll call you tomorrow he kept saying. To make it seeem like I was just some psycho girl angry at him and that's what I was yelling at him for. Maybe to make it seem like I was just some psycho angry at him.

 

He was desperately trying to keep me from talking to her. But at that point I had it in my mind that he screwed me over and that he HAD told her everything 4 months ago. It was acually 4 months ago, not 6. But this was not the case, he didn't tell her. He was deafly afraid of her finding out. But at that instant I thought he told his wife some BS story 4 months ago (like I was some girl he slept wth only once and now I'm stalking him or something) so I wanted to talk to hear and really let her know the full story. That it was not a one time thing, it was an affair that lastest years. I didn't want him to get waye with lying like that... if he confesses then he better confess the truth. Not a lie.

 

I am very confused and I don't know who to believe anymore. You guys weren't here... you guys don't see and hear everything going on so it's very difficult in forum to gets things out right. But now that I look back at what just happened and sitting here thinking... the more it's starting to make sense. I'm still very confused... I don't know. Time will tell. He told me we would both get over this and things will work out but he needs a while to cool down and sort things out.

[Sami_D]

So how was it that you got to talk to her that night?

[DepressedWaiting]

Sorry, I was editing my post. If you read above again you will see.

[Sami_D]

OK... well there is so much information here, and very garbled and unclear (probably understandably). You are trying to separate the lies and B S they are probably both dealing you from reality, and also confused and trying to make sense of your own feelings.

 

We have no real idea what his intentions are... but can take a guess. Please look after yourself.

[JayKay]

I am completely confused by the whole story...

 

but I'm sure DW is even more confused.

 

 

Good luck with everything, DW. I'd avoid this creep completely and absolutely.

 

 

I've heard some other horrible stories from girlfriends of mine who were taken in by a MM's lies and promises.

Some of these MM's REALLY have no idea what devastation they cause. It's All About Them and Their Ever So Important Needs, Wants & Desires.

[whichwayisup]

wow, wwiu, you have a lot more faith than i do!

It's not faith, it's just that I can see DW is in so much pain by her posts and either way she needs an ear, some support.

 

DW, just re-reading your other post, I do think he is lying when he feels like it. Remember, he is the one who has to live with his wife, so he will bend the truth as he sees fit so life is easier for him at home. Just like for you, when you asked him about him having sex with his wife. DO you really think he'd answer that truthfully? Ofcourse not. He isn't stupid, he knows he'll have to deal with your hurt, pain, reaction...Just like at home with his wife.

 

I haven't a clue of what this outcome will be...I just hope in 2 months you know what you want. If it's him, then both of you need some therapy together...Alot of things have been said, felt and carried out. I don't know if love is enough...I wonder if you'll ever be able to trust him. What he's done to his wife - He can do again to you in future.

 

The ball is in your court - You decide what is best for you from now on.

[DepressedWaiting]

Thanks to those who did not bash my story or come with comments that my story is filled with "holes". It is appreciated.

 

It was comforting to come here and post especially right after this all happened that night. I didn't have anybody else to talk to about it who understood these situations as well. I was shaking like a leaf (I think I just had a nervours breakdown), this was the worst past couple of days of my entire life. Yes, I am confused like heck. I don't know what to believe anymore or who to believe. I am actually still replaying what happened that night in my head over and over again. My mind won't stop racing replaying it.

 

It just really flat out sucks when you need to know the TRUTH but know it's just not possible. It is so frustrating!

 

He told me today he would prove me wrong about everything and that we would both get over this and things will work out. He also told me that it should speak volumes to me that he is still talking to me after "what I did to him by telling his wife" and "betrayed him". He also had me promise him that I would go to counseling with him. But he wanted me to go to counseling with him NOW. That is ridiculous. I told him noway, after he is divorced I would. I just don't understand him... I mean doesn't he have brain enough to OBVIOUSLY know that ANY therapist would say we have no business being in contact while he is still married and that he needs to take care of business first. He also does NOT believe that married men rarely leave their wives even though I've shown him COUNTLESS number of articles on this subject. He himself REALLY thinks that OUR affair is unique and special and different. I tell him but EVERYBODY feels that way in these situations and the thing is all affairs do have some differences of course... but in the end they are invlolving the same situation and same outcome 99% of the time. He says that is BS.

 

This is also why he wants to go to counseling with me right now. To prove me wrong about the above. My response to that was " Well, if all I say about these situations is BS and you want to PROVE me wrong then why the h*ll are you still married!!??". His response "I'm working on it" and "You haven't really given me a chance, please give me a chance and stay calm".

 

I won't be seeing him anymore. The thing that I'm having problems with now and what is causing me pain is that I'm worried if I go NC I will lose him and he will never get divorced. I'm afraid to find that out but I have to suck it up and do it. There is noway I will be involved with this anymore.

 

Hopefully if you guys remember me I'll try to post what happens. I have a feeling it won't be anything good

 

Everything is chaos and all jumbled right now and frankly I feel like complete h*ll. But I am glad for one thing, he did not dump me when the sh*t hit the fan. I thought for sure he was cutting me like yesterday's garbage.

 

I'm sure most MM would have dumped the OW if they did what I did, do you think?

 

I think what also helped was that the way his wife found out is VERY weird and unusual. I told her by accident! When I called I freaked out when he said she already knew... then I jumped to conclusions... my mind raced and... bang. I had NO intensions of telling his wife, so it's not like I called there that night to do it on purpose. Then I know MM would NOT be talking me ever again if that were the case. Actually... who knows... I almost think he would take months to recvoer and would talk to me eventually. I'll never know. Just thinking out loud here, sorry.

[Leilao1]

I agree that he needs to make his choice. He is using a beautiful young woman this way. In your story, that is what I read. I know you are upset about the wife, believe me, she must be hurt too...the point here - he must now decide: she knows, this can't go as it was no longer

[whichwayisup]

I won't be seeing him anymore. The thing that I'm having problems with now and what is causing me pain is that I'm worried if I go NC I will lose him and he will never get divorced. I'm afraid to find that out but I have to suck it up and do it. There is noway I will be involved with this anymore.

Then this is the test of trust, love and his word. If he can't follow through on his promise to you atleast you know. You can't control him and the situation, it will play out on it's own. You being in contact isn't going to change his mind about leaving or not leaving...Same as no contact.

[DepressedWaiting]

Edit: you guys were posting at the same time I was. Yes, whichwayisup what you just said made sense. You are right. Me being in contact or no contact should not make a differen. I actually think being in contact however would be a lot worse because then he think's he can keep having me without ever divorcing. I don't want him to think that or get away with that. I can't.

 

Whichwayis up, about the no sex with the wife issue. I actually told MM over and over and over again that I would rather hear him say he had sex with his wife a week ago then for him to say he hasn't had sex with her in six months because then I would feel like I'm not being lied to.

 

Because when he tells me he hasn't had sex with his wife in six months and never will again... I YELL at him. I mean I REALLY let him have it relentessly. I mean I get very uspet when he tells me no sex with the wife. He cannot stand this confrontation and the yelling and wants it to desperately stop. By yelling I mean constant and relentless interrogation and questioning. He has anxiety and cannot handle such things. He actually begs me to please stop and that he cannot handle it. I then tell him the fighting will ONLY stop if he tells me does have sex with his wife. So logic should tell him to just lie to me in that case and tell me he does have sex with his wife and the yelling would stop. Sorry if what I wrote doesn't make sense, I hope you see what I'm trying to say?

 

Basically I was trying to in a way trick him into telling the truth and make him "believe" that things would be easier for him to just say he does have sex with his wife even if it's not the truth.

 

P.S_ Once I even seriously told him I refuse to see him if he doesn't tell me the truth and just say "Yes, I do have sex with my wife".... and "Yes, I have had sex with my wife during the past 6 months". His response was why on earth am I forcing him to lie to me. He then sits o the couch and starts waving his arms that he just cannot understand why I would be acting this way forcing him to lie and that what I'm saying to him is ridiculous and he doens't know what else to say but that he refused to lie to me.

[RainyDayWoman]

having just read that last part, i think you should read it again.

 

then ask yourself what kind of relationship this is when you have to ask your boyfriend if he was sleeping with his wife, which yes i would assume he was.

 

doesn't that just seem...i don't know....wrong to you? because it looks terrible from this angle.

 

would you be with someone who had a girlfriend and was also screwing you on the side? why is married any different?

 

your best bet is to realize this is a bad situation that has already hurt people, including you, and step away from it. yeah, there's feelings involved, blah blah blah, but your feelings are just going to have to take a backseat to reality if you ever want to have a normal life and self-respect, not to mention respect for others.

 

i feel for you, but i don't feel bad for you, so sorry if this seems harsh. i just think all this whining about a situation you got yourself into is pathetic and needless.

[Hot Coco]

having just read that last part, i think you should read it again.

 

then ask yourself what kind of relationship this is when you have to ask your boyfriend if he was sleeping with his wife, which yes i would assume he was.

 

doesn't that just seem...i don't know....wrong to you? because it looks terrible from this angle.

 

would you be with someone who had a girlfriend and was also screwing you on the side? why is married any different?

 

your best bet is to realize this is a bad situation that has already hurt people, including you, and step away from it. yeah, there's feelings involved, blah blah blah, but your feelings are just going to have to take a backseat to reality if you ever want to have a normal life and self-respect, not to mention respect for others.

 

i feel for you, but i don't feel bad for you, so sorry if this seems harsh. i just think all this whining about a situation you got yourself into is pathetic and needless.

 

Great post Rainey. I found this particularly interesting:

 

would you be with someone who had a girlfriend and was also screwing you on the side? why is married any different?

 

That's a very, very interesting thing to explore here. I think the guys are cheaters anyway. I mean whether they were single or married. But the OW maybe not seeing that way, excuses it. Says he's "trapped" in a loveless marriage, or because of the kids, etc. All things beyond his immediate control. But the fact is, that if these SAME men were single, their characters are such that they'd be cheating on their girlfriends.

 

I certainly don't think that's true of ALL cases. But I'd venture to guess that for many it is.

[RainyDayWoman]

Great post Rainey. I found this particularly interesting:

 

 

 

That's a very, very interesting thing to explore here. I think the guys are cheaters anyway. I mean whether they were single or married. But the OW maybe not seeing that way, excuses it. Says he's "trapped" in a loveless marriage, or because of the kids, etc. All things beyond his immediate control. But the fact is, that if these SAME men were single, their characters are such that they'd be cheating on their girlfriends.

 

I certainly don't think that's true of ALL cases. But I'd venture to guess that for many it is.

 

 

thanks, coco.

 

 

holy crap it's cold out.....and right now i am curled up with a glass of you on the couch and covered with a bug fuzzy blanket.

[Hot Coco]

thanks, coco.

 

 

holy crap it's cold out.....and right now i am curled up with a glass of you on the couch and covered with a bug fuzzy blanket.

 

You're very funny Rainy! Shouldn't have said that because now I'm going to tell you that I had a dream about you a week or two ago and even said as much in a post. I just can't remember the damn dream though anymore. You were warning me about something or someone. Damn! Can't remember!