I wasnt there when she needed me, did I mess up?

[wezol]

Ive been with a girl for 6 months and we have been through some rough times together, with eachother and with our families. Both times we have been there for eachother.

 

Well as some of you may know, this is a long distance relationship (90 miles).

 

I was home over the weekend and on Sunday she got kicked out of her house (long story) and I was there for her to help her find a place to stay for a while. It was a very rough day.

 

Well last night some legal stuff happened and she is trying to figure it out, and on top of that her mom and step dad said they would not help pay for college or anything else. It really upset her. I

 

Well I am the type of person who tries to find solutions (like most guys) when they hear a problem from a girl, when all she wanted was support. She is dissapointed in me because of what I didn't say. I still don't really know what I could of said.

 

I do realize that I messed up in my way of thinkig...but did I damage our relationship?

 

I sent her this email this morning that said....

 

 

-I don't know where to start right now, because I honestly can't think strait but I'll give it a shot. I hope it comes out coherant.

 

I honestly do not know where you got off thinking I don't support you, and that I don't know anything. I'm sorry to tell you this, but you're wrong. I love and support you with all my heart. How can you think otherwise, I've given you no reason to think otherwise.

***, I know what you're going through is a '**** hit the fan' time right now, and the **** is all over the place. Putting **** back together is like trying to put a mushed up banana back into his peel, its nearly impossible. Well you know what, knowing me I tried to think about how to put that damn banana back and not about you. Thats my screw up, and trust me, I'm more dissapointed in myself than you are right now.

If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm the type of person that wants to help. I sit there and listen to you speak about a problem that you're having and all I can think about is how to fix it for you, or how you can fix it for yourself. That is the type of person I am Kes. I hear a problem and the first thing I try to do is fix it, and now I know that's not what you needed last night. You needed me, and I wasn't there. IM SORRY.

There were so many times that I wanted to call you last night and just see how you were doing, and talk to you. But I guess you were arleady talking to ******. You only told me that "I found someone else to talk to last night" to hurt me, and it worked.

I've told you time and time agian, it's so hard out here for me. It's especially difficult not being right there beside you at this time in your life, when you need me the most...I'm not there.

We should really talk about the things that I could say that would seriously make you feel better at a time like this. Cause' there is a 99% chance that it's already in my head and trying to come out, but not because I don't know if it's the wrong thing to say.

 

I really don't know if any of this email has made any sense...

 

***, baby, we're two different people that think drastically different in different situations. I'm sure your looking at that last part and shaking your head thinking about how much of a dumbass I am, but oh well. But that's what makes us so great together, that we don't think alike. All we need to figure out is how to push eachothers buttons, in the RIGHT way...in situations like this.

I mean, yea, I could figure out the perfect things to say to you in times like these, but that might take a while. That is why you call ******, cause he knows what to say to you, how to push your buttons in the right way. Ya'll were together for a long time and that is how he knows.

Why not just skip all that, all the screwing up...avoid it all together. Just tell me the type of things I could say. I can almost guarantee that it's something I want to say but not, cause' I think it's the wrong thing to say. But I'll give it a sho. (If you read this and get even more angry...well...)

 

 

Let me start off with something that you already know - I'm SO DAMN PROUD of you ***. Your juggling a few jobs AND doing school...doing GOOD in school at that. Hell, I tried it and it didn't work for me, but somehow you are making it work. I know you can do this baby. It's a (very) rough time for you right now, and I KNOW you will find a way to even things out. You have in the past, and history seems to repeat its self. I know now that my "help" is not needed, but just my support. Well I'm here beside you 110% of the way, no matter what the out come. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, you can call me and I'll be on the other end, just to listen and be there for the one I love.

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through all of this, and that it seems like no one is on your side. Trust me when I say I am sorry, cause I lived a life like the on you are living right this second. I know its tough and I couldn't imagine how you are doing it at this age. When I lived it, I was 8-15.....I didn't have much on my plate then and it still SUCKED SO BAD. But to imagine how I would handle it at the age I am now with everything that I have on my plate, I don't know how I would do it. BUT YOU ARE, which astonishes me. Keep kickin' baby okay? You kick long enough you'll hit something, and it'll hit hard. I'm proud of you baby, and keep on keepin' on. Keep your head up but duck and cover when you need to. You're doing a great job, no matter what your parents or anyone else says. You are WELL on your way to getting your **** together.

 

I love you with all my heart, and always will. And with that love comes support.

I hope you read this and I really hope you reply.

 

Hope it all made sense.

 

PS: My mom has connections with child law and there is a number that you can call that is a part of the Bar association to get free legal advice. My mom can find it for you. Also my grandma has worked with a lawyer for 15 years and my mom took law classes in college. They would all be happy to give you a hand, all you have to do is let me know.

 

I love you.-

 

Ladies, would that email be enough to forgive your SO?

I really feel like **** right now.

[itwontdawnsooner]

thats quite the email... hopefully she's in the right mindset when she reads it. at least somewhat open to it. if not, hopefully some cool-down time will change that

 

as far as damaging your relationship, its hard to say - if this is a problem she has brought up before and it keeps happening, then it may have pushed her away more and made her doubtful about things... if it isn't, and its a one time thing, we'd hope not! not permenantly anyway, everybody makes mistakes! and nobody is 100% ALL THE TIME. youre not a machine.

 

say to yourself, i wasnt trying to hurt her, so im not a bad person, im not even a bad boyfriend... i just made a mistake, and im sure she's made some too (dont put her on a pedestal, even though you love her - shes human too!)

 

a lot depends on her response... has she responded? have you talked to her since?

[westernxer]

What kind of family problems is she having?

 

This doesn't sound very promising.

[wezol]

She is at school so no she hasnt responded yet.

 

As far as her family problems....long and complicated. She has borderline BPD and her mom and step dad know just how to push her buttons to get her to have an "attack". Now, she is not exactly a perfect angel at home, but shes not bad kid either. Its a part on both sides, but mostly her parents. I have seen it ALL first hand so its not hear-say. Her step dad abuses her, and her mom verbally abuses her. They tell her she is a disruption to the family and that they would be better off without her. But yet her mom denies ever saying that (I have heard her say that personally), and tries to play the perfect family role. Her sisters are spoiled to all hell (little sisters) and she has to pay for everything. She will ask for money for school clothes and her mom will tell her she has none, and then the next day her sisters come home with brand new outfits.

 

She needed new shoes one day and asked her mom if she would help out. Her mom said yes and to go ahead and get them, and she would give her a check for half the amount. Well her mom backed out and she was left with very little money. She had to then write a check to her mom for a phone bill and since her mom backed out of helping her with the shoes, her check bounced.

 

There are MANY other instences, but those are a few things.

 

I think it came down to that she wasnt treated fair around the house at all, and therefore started to loose respect for her mom and step dad. That in turn caused her not to care about respecting the house.

 

Her real dad has also sent over $80,000 in child support to her mom, and my SO has barely seen ANY of it. Her real dad sent most of that money so that when she turned 16 she would be able to get a half way decent first car. They didnt get her a car until after she was 18 and while it was a safe and somewhat reliable car, it wasnt something practical. With all that money she should of been driving a 02-04 ricer with good gas mileage and reliability. Well now her parents have taken that car away and now she has nothing. She has to find a ride to work 30 minutes away and she also works at a church and nannys for people. She is a very busy person and has no transportation.

 

I have almost thought about lending her my truck since I am at college and hardly drive at all. But I still havent thought that through yet.

[slubberdegullion]

First of all, you really didn't do anything wrong. It's just that her expectations were different. But if you didn't know what her expectations were, then there's no possible way that you could have fulfilled them.

 

Yes, she probably wanted to vent and release all her feelings and all the rest, but that wouldn't solve anything. IMHO, you did the right thing; you went to the root of the problem to solve it, thereby fixing the issue so she wouldn't have to get bent all out of shape in the first place.

 

Oh, and don't be calling yourself a dumbass and all the rest. There's absolutely no upside to that whatsoever.

 

It sounds, from what you've written, that unfortunately this young lady has a cargo-load of baggage. Are you really prepared to take on all that?

[wezol]

Well I guess when you love someone you have to accept some of their baggage and make sacrifices. I'm willing to do that. She has also decided to go to college here, so I think that if I am patient everything will turn out for the best....?