orangeterran Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 I have been doing a fair bit of research concerning healthy families lately and I'd like to get some input from real parents. What do you as a parent do for your child to reassure and let the child know that they are loved and that it is always there for them?
Mz. Pixie Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 My thinking is "How can they NOT know I love them?" As parents, we make sacrifices for our children daily. Their needs come before mine- clothing, food, whatever. As a mom, I feel guilty if I buy something for myself that I need if my kids need something as well, so back when I was a single mom- I did without. I tell them I love them. I support their dreams and ideas. I give them discipline and boundaries so that they know I'm keeping them safe. I try and equip them with the tools that they need to be successful adults. I show them I love them, everyday. I do what I say I'm going to do. I say I'm sorry when I'm wrong. I let them know I'm not perfect. I let them know that nothing they could do would separate them from my love. Being a Christian, I also feel responsible for their spiritual growth. I take them to church, we observe religious holidays- we talk about God in our daily lives. I am silly with them. They know their mom likes to have a good time. We read, I help with homework, I make sure to talk to them about how they really feel.
Cupcake Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 I'm an adult now (as most of us on LS are) and I have to say, as a child, I felt by parents love for me in the way they related to me. Sure they fed me, clothed me, sheltered me, put my needs before their own, ect... But children don't really understand the love in all that. When I was having a bad day and my mother sat with me and comforted me, I felt loved. When I was sick and my mother nurished me, I felt loved. When I didn't have any friends and felt like the whole world hated me, my mother told me she loved me. That love makes me rely on my mother for reassurance in all things. I know I can turn to her when there is no one else left in this world. My advice to positive, loving parents, connect with your children emotionally as much as possible. TRY to understand them. Even if you don't agree with them, let them know that you believe in them. Afterall, they are extentions of you. No matter how good are bad your children are, they are a part of you. You can't control them. But you can accept them, and trust them to be like you.
quankanne Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 no kids here, but I remember the things that my mother did to make me feel completely and utterly loved, and I've tried to pass them on to my nieces and nephews … mostly, it was how she gave of herself completely to her six kids and numerous grandbabies: she took the time with each one to make that child feel special, and if she identified a special need (some of the kids needed more attention than others), she'd find a way to fulfill it, to let them know that no matter how angry they were, how bad or shamed or neglected they felt, SHE thought they were special. That she had so much love for them that they brought her joy even when they were little shxts. I think it just boiled down to that wellspring of love she had for all her babies. as the one who prolly was the closest friend to her, I can say that her belief in me – even as she expressed her concern or doubts – made me feel like I could (and can) do anything. That the adventure was in the trying, and the sucess was just icing on the cake. I think every kid wants a sense of security from their parent, to know that no matter how bad they mess up or how much they've hurt or upset their mama or daddy, they're still lovable. Because that love lets them know all is right with their world, even if it's seemingly gone mad ...
Lil Honey Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 My kids are now 22 and 19, but when they were little, I would spend time with them. We might not be doing anything at all, but we were together. Many times, I would go into their room lay across the bed and just talk to them for a while. I NEVER let a day go by without showing them affection and TELLING them that I love them. I made sure that when I said, "I love you," as they went out the door to school, that it wasn't a mindless, automatic "I love you," but one that conveyed that I was really thinking of what I was saying and really meant it. I told them, as they approached their teen years that if they ever found themselves in a situation that looked like it was going to be trouble, they could call me day or night and I'd get them, no questions asked. I set limits and disciplined them. Respect was expected and given between us. I let them know that, as long as they were behaving, I would always stand by their side. But I would also teach them right from wrong. We ate dinner together. This is important. They were allowed ONE after-school activity. I think this is important, too. I feel that a lot of parents involve their kids in other things so they don't have to deal with being parents for a couple hours. I read to them. I played Barbies with my daughter and trucks with my son - I made the Brrrmmm, brrrrmmm noise and everything. LOL I surrounded them with grandparents that loved them as well.
quankanne Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 I played Barbies with my daughter and trucks with my son - I made the Brrrmmm, brrrrmmm noise and everything. you just reminded me of my one GF who said when her boy was a little younger, he'd grab her hand so they could dance together. My heart just swells picturing that, because THAT'S the kind of giving a child needs, not money or toys or more stuff, just time with him and mommy/daddy. you've also raised a good point about boundaries: when my niece was 13, she told me something that really shocked me – she said that even though they fight them tooth and nail, kids WANT boundaries, because they see those boundaries as "proof" that their parents love them and it fosters a sense of security.
Lil Honey Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 I also used to tell my kids that if one of their friends pressured them to smoke, drink, have sex that that person wasn't their real friend. A real friend wouldn't do anything to hurt them or do anything that they don't feel is right. I made sure to tell them that we loved them more than any other person ever would and that is why we set limits, because some things just aren't healthy or good for a person. I also taught them to think for themselves, not to fall for everything they see on TV or read that claims to make them sexier, richer, taller, thinner, more popular.
Newfoundland Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 I tell him I love him about 200 times a day And dh and I are always saying, "I love you honey". It's just one big lovefest here!
reader Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 We've covered it here. You love, love, love them! In what you do, and what you say. This is the easiest question I've answered on LS.
Author orangeterran Posted December 13, 2005 Author Posted December 13, 2005 So many of your responses moved me at the core of my being. I truly wished I could have experienced those things as a child and into adulthood. It sounds like love is a requisite for healthy development, emotionally, mentally, and intellectually. My "parents" never took an active interest in anything I did or said. I was verbally and psychologically abused everyday for all my life and now I am beginning to understand the repercussions of the dysfunctional nature of my family on my development leading to who I am today. Only within the last couple of years, and most notably within the last few months have I begun to find out who I truly am. My parents never nutured me or gave me a sense of self worth. Throughout most of my life I believed myself to be undeserving of life and incapable of accomplishing anything. I have found through parenting myself (a very hard process since I have no healthy frame of reference), I am smarter than I was ever given credit for, that I am stronger than I thought I was, and that I have more will than I ever thought I had. It's funny when I think it, but the steps that I had to take in order to love myself were long and difficult. I often wish that I knew or figured these things out earlier, however none of us can change the past. We can only learn from it, apply what we have learned to our present, and hopefully steer ourselves in a direction we like into the future. In order for me to grow, find self worth, and eventually find acceptance in myself, it all had to happen outside the environment where I was raised. I find something terribly tragic in that thought. I feel like I was denied something so basic, so fundamental, so primal that it makes me want to cry. I have determined that if and when I ever become a father, things will be so much different for my children. I would cherish them and treat them with compassion, love, and respect. The cycle of abuse is going to end with me. I am still scared for what the future may bring because, though I am more confident than ever, it is still a shaky foundation and I have no current system of external emotional support. I will keep what all of you have posted in mind to help love myself. To those who were loved unconditionally by their parents, thank them in your mind, in your heart, and in your soul. If you can, let them know how much gratitude you have. Parenting is a tough job and I'm finding that those who have good parents may never realize how fortunate they are.
Devildog Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 When I was a child my parents never did much of anything with me. The only way I could spend time with my Dad was if it was something he was interested in. I was constantly getting punished because what I did wasn't good enough. Now days, my Dad always talks about how proud he is of me, like it was because of him that I turned out like I did. The truth is I turned out like I did in spite of how I was raised. And for some reason my Mom was just never affectionate when it came to me. She always had more affection for my younger siblings though. And to this day it is still that way. When my younger brother or sister leave her house, she tells them "Love you". She never does that with me. It took the death of my daughter to get any kind of emotional response of compassion from her. My daughter, she gets all the time in the world I can give her. We play games, watch TV together. When she is with me, there isn't five minutes when we are apart. She gets so many hugs from me, and she hears "I love you" so many times I am amazed she hasn't gotten sick of it. We can just be sitting there watching SpongeBob or something and she will just turn to me and tell me she loves me. Your time and your interest are two of the greatest gifts you can give your child.
sylviaguardian Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 Orange, Your post makes me feels so sad and unfortunately this is the case for many children. When I was a child I was loved and had everything I needed but after my parents divorced my mother was very stressed and could not handle any of us showing negative emotion. From a young age I learned not to cry or ask for help with problems. On the surface I was outgoing but inside I often felt like the loneliest person alive because I had to deal with all my problems alone. Sometimes I still feel like that. The good news is that slowly I have learned to go to others for help. I discuss problems with friends. I am not ashamed to cry in front of others when I am down. Now when one of my children come home looking dejected I pick up on it rightaway. We'll have some quiet time and usually the problem comes out. My daughter had a small problem at school and I decided on impulse to speak to her teacher about it. On the way out, my daughter pulled my arm and whispered 'Thanks for sticking up for me'. That nearly made me cry. Sometimes people who have not had great childhoods can be better parents because they are so determined to make things right for their children. You are doing all the right things by tracing some of the feelings you have back and trying to change them. There is a good website on this. Unfortunately I can't remember the name of it but it is concerned with learning how to parent yourself e.g. being kind to yourself, being your own cheerleader etc. I rely a lot on friends now. When I am down or insecure I think about 'my army' - that is the number of people who, when the chips are down' would be on my side and that gives me strength to think of them behind me. It is tragic that you were never made to feel loved but it is not irreversable. As you said, you are starting to find out that you are stronger than you thought, smarter than you thought etc.You will be just fine, believe me. Sylvia
Moose Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 Orange, When I read your post, it was like reading a page out of my life.....except, my step-dad physically abused us along with the verbal and physcological abuse. I've been married now 18 years yesterday! We have 5 wonderful children. 3 Boys, 2 Girls. I swore to myself that my kids would never have to go through what we had to endure. I'm proud to say that we broke that cycle of abuse, (Mrs. Moose and I). I might of been able to do it myself, but I can't take all the credit. God had a lot to do with it as well. I still have identity problems. Not knowing who I truly am. I still have issues sticking up for myself for lack of guidelines never set. Everyday I learn something new about myself, and sometimes, it's disappointing.....but most of the time, very enlightening. I just want to say, that what you're striving for is realistic. I truly hope you will have children someday. You realize what is missing in your life, and you'd be damned to deny your children that. You would make a wonderful father with just that knowledge. My family has given me some identity. A place to belong. A purpose of being. I wouldn't know how to describe myself to anyone, but they can. It's a wonderful feeling, belonging to something. I encourage you to pursue your family. There is a soul, (or 2, or 5), counting on you to guide them through this thing we call life. And they would be extremely fortunate to have you as their leader. Moose
lilmoma1973 Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 Being there in their time of need when they sick ,hurt ,functions at school,always show and tell them that you love them constantly!!! Make sure you show them they are loved in every way!!!
Becoming Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 OT, SG, DD, Moose--I, too, know what you're talking about. As I read these posts, I could feel my heart sink. I did a lot of the same stuff for my kids. But I learned it by reading books and watching other parents because I didn't experience it myself as a child, and the pain doesn't ever seem to go away. In fact, I went through a lot of depression as a mother because I realized after I had kids that what I had was dysfunctional. I had to parent me along with my children. And that's really tough. You're ahead of the game in many ways, OT. You're trying to learn what this means before you have your own children. I'm gonna start a new thread in abuse with some questions I'd like to hear your responses to.
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