First NC & Pray I don't go back!

[zoey15]

Okay, I've posted here when I first met this guy but I'll break it all down again...

 

I met this man who was in a long-term relationship w/ his live in girlfriend of 8 years. We were friends for a few months, then we became intimate.

 

Well he told me after a few more months of intimacy that he lived w/ his lady, had a small child & was expecting another chid.

 

I know, I was a bad person to stick around....but I did. I thought I'd feel so bad for this, but I didn't. We became a lot closer & as time passed I started getting deep feelings for him.

 

At first it was fun, I was able to see a man that I didn't have to completely commit to. He would visit and leave & I loved it! I couldn't understand how the OW here would post and say that they wanted the MM. To me it was ridiculous, cause why? He'd do the same **** to any other woman, right?

 

Well here I am 7 months later and it's like I want him. What is wrong w/ me? First of all why would I want a man who is cheating on his pregnate girlfriend? This means he has no respect for her or what he could lose if she finally left him. (By the way, she knows about me).

 

Okay so I cut him off two days ago, and I've been feeling so good about it. I've been praying that God forgive me for causing his lady any pain, cause I have to deal w/ Karma later on....

 

But back to my point, I want him. I wish he would situate his life, and be with me. He said he's left her before and he's thought of it but overall he wants to stay w/ her because of his kids. He says things will never be the same w/ him and her because he cheats and she knows this.

 

He uses the whole "I'm miserable w/ her" excuse. He even used the phrase, "it's cheaper to keep her".

 

Why do people stay in miserable situations like this? Do I have to have a child to know what this acutally feels like?

 

I know he's lying when he tells me this, but he also says that they can't carry an adult conversation cause they grew apart years ago. He was w/ her since they were in High School.

 

Why would I want this man? I can't even tell my closest friends or my family about him, cause God forbid anyone finds out I'm seeing a man that is in a relationship w/ a baby on the way. My friends and family would flip, just because they think of me as a strong woman....which I'd like to think too but right now I don't think I'm even close to a strong woman.......

 

anyway....

 

When I broke things off w/ him, he said he still was gonna call me once in a while to tease me about my football team losing. I didn't say okay or no, I just stayed quiet and we said goodbye and hung up.

 

I know for a fact that if I see this man in person I will fall right into his arms and there is apart of me that wants to, yet I have that strong part of me that reminds myself that I deserve better.

 

How did I end up being so vulernerable and weak? I felt I had complete control of the situation.

 

What can I do to gain my strength back, cause he'll never leave her.....he could never be w/ me, right?

 

By the way, I'm in college right now so w/ finals coming up I'm real busy but it's also hard to consentrate.

 

I want to keep busy, but I can't (other then homework). I can't go out or hang out w/ the girls cause my grades are more important.....

 

Any suggestions? I miss him sooooo much.....this sucks.....I can't believe I got myself in this situation! I feel like crap....

[whichwayisup]

Stay strong, stay busy and really focus ALL your energy into your school work. This MM is NOT worthy of you and your time.

 

It will hurt you but you can and have to work through the pain to get over him. Talk to your friends, post about it here...Just please, do not call him or accept any calls by him. Time is on your side, the pain will be less and you'll care less about him and what he thinks ...

[zoey15]

I made contact last night....Ooopppss

 

I know this was a bad mistake. I sent him a text telling him I missed him.

 

He called asking if he could come over. I told him no.

 

And I want to stand my ground w/ not seeing him in person, but I also feel like as time goes on it will get easier to at least speak to him.

 

I don't know maybe I'm setting myself up for more pain.

 

I did feel like an idiot after speaking to him.

[Sami_D]

Hello zoey. I'm sorry you're in this situation. I can see how it might have happened that you slipped into it... he lied to you at the beginning, and to a certain extent (once you knew the truth about his situation) you were prepared to lie to yourself about what you needed, wanted and could cope with or expect?

 

I think it would be a good idea for you to look at the reasons you continued to see him back when you found out he was involved. And compare those to how you feel now at (partly) wanting to continue with it even though you know it's not something healthy for you.

 

Maybe write out pros and cons you felt back then, pros and cons you feel now (there will be some 'pros', I think... avoiding hurting from missing him, for example). Then perhaps you can start focusing on what it is in your life that you really need to deal with in order to put this all behind you.

 

In the meantime, I wouldn't beat yourself up about breaking NC. It seems to me that you're set on ending it with him, you're just having a few problems with the process of it... is that how it is?

[zoey15]

I do want to end it on an intimate level, that's why I haven't agreed to see him in person right now. Yet I still want a friendship w/ him. My family likes him, he actually gets along w/ my father so it would be nice to have him as a friend.

 

You are right about me just having problems in the process!

 

I know this is gonna sound bad, but the main reason I continued seeing him is because I had just ended a long distance relationship. Someone I completely loved, someone I knew for 10 yrs & the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. So I was crushed w/ one man, then basically used this other man to comfort me.

 

Obviously it didn't end up doing much but hurting me.

 

Then when I'd hurt over the MM, all the hurt feelings of the long distance relationship would come back.

 

Now that I'm writing this out, I sound like a wreck.

 

Sami, do you think it has anything to do w/ the fact that I can't have this man? For instance: It's not that I'd really want him if I had him to myself, but the challenge itself.

 

I will write out the pros and cons and see what I come up with. Hopefully this will help! I appreciate your insight!!

[Sami_D]

zoey, I just don't know why it might be that you continue(d) to be involved with him.

 

I am wondering how your R with LD man ended... was it his choice..? Or did you feel in some way that you couldn't/wouldn't want another R with anyone for a while..? I know that when I started my R with MM it was mainly because I (thought I) couldn't face another R ever in my life... I had been SO hurt by someone that all I wanted was friendship and nothing beyond... and that someone unavailable was a perfect solution. (NOT that I wanted to be OW... in fact I spent the first 3 months trying to help him with his M and talking him into getting MC, etc... but that is another (MY) story)

 

The thing is... your 'M'M lied to you for a long time.. and then after the break up he still tried to keep in touch with you using a really lame excuse... those are really bad things, and you know that.

 

Oh and you're not a wreck... far from it. You have a lot of insight into the situation AND you seem to know what you want in this current situation. The fact you're so open to ideas and working on things is so great. LS is a good resource for other people's stories and input, but there's the entire web out there for places to learn about what/who we are as individuals and how we relate to people... you sound like such a great, positive person and I think you'll find all you need at the right time.

[zoey15]

Sami, are you done w/ your MM? If so, how did you finally break loose? I read a bit of your post in Oct., we sound like we were/are in similar situations.

 

I broke off the LD R, because my guy OOT would never call me & I was supposed to move to his city to be w/ him.

 

I felt I deserved to at least get phone calls from this man. I also let him know that that's what I needed, but he'd last for about three phone calls then he'd stop all together again.

 

And when I say stop, I wouldn't hear from the guy for three weeks at a time.

 

When I cut him off, he acted like it was no big deal and I was very very crushed.

 

I was mostly sad cause I couldn't believe he wouldn't try to save the friendship we had for so many years.

 

The LD guy called me about three weeks ago and asked if I could give him an hour of my time, cause we had a lot to talk about. He said he realized I was an important person in his life.

 

I told him I couldn't talk, cause I had a big test I was studying for so I told him I'd get back to him after the semester was over.

 

Thanks for saying I'm positive, I try to be w/ all the problems I come across! It's all the choices we make.

 

Back to the MM: He did give a dumb excuse to call me, but he hasn't even called. I'm the one texting him. I used the "idea" of having one man around to get over the other & it back fired.

 

If I could be w/ the LD man, I'd do it in a second. But I think I need to stop living in a fantasy world and realize he's over there and I'm over here.

[Sami_D]

LD relationships aren't the easiest, are they..? Were you two ever together for a time, or was it always LD? Do you think that he's / was another 'unavailable' man, perhaps..?

 

So back to MM. He hasn't called yet, but he did say he would. I would imagine he'll probably call when it suits him (when he needs a bit of flattery from an attractive woman that's not his pregnant wife?). And that is not a nice situation for you to be in again (wondering about phonecalls from men you love).

 

I think that you are doing the right thing in applying NC with this MM. I know you say he's a family friend (?), but I don't think it's great that you are under all this pressure of concealing your true R with him from your family and friends. I don't think your father would be so keen on him if he knew what has been going on, would he? How will you make sure NC works given that there are other people who know him?

 

As far as my situation, no I'm not through with MM. I've been wondering about making a new thread about it, because there are things I wonder about and worry about. But I don't think I could listen to another round of 'you have to end it' or 'force him to make a decision' posts. He's decided that he won't separate from his W for the next year or so. So do I continue to see him during that time or not? What are the pros and cons for me..? I've made my own list, and it seems to me that I'm better off seeing him, despite the fact that it is weighing heavily on me for many reasons.

[newbby]

hello,

your story interested me because i have the same story but in reverse.

i tried a ldr to get over a mm and the ldr also back fired.

i would say definetly sami has a point about the unavailable man syndrome.

you are questioning why you are still hooked on this guy and that is good.

from things i have read, and i do alot of reading, one can only fall in love if theres a loss of control feeling, the mm is one relationship where you have zero control. also the push pull thing is addictive. the i want you, go away thing. i want you but you cant have me, it is very addictive.

its all just psychology at the end of the day and you are correct, if he came to you and said i have left my wife and want to be with you, you probably wouldnt feel that you had a great prize there.

i tried to imagine this scenario over and over in my head with my exmm, and it really helped, i would not want him in real life and i can see that more clearly now. the same in fact goes for the ldr, he was immature and narrowminded.

[zoey15]

Okay one B. But I just wanted to let newbby that the comment on the prize was hilarious!!!

 

Your right about that, but I'm still stuck in this situation.

 

I felt so good about my grades and that the semester is over, but he was the only thing that made me sad today.

 

I thought why am I putting myself through all of this. I felt sad cause since I told him about the NC, yet didn't keep it, he distanced himself from me.

 

Which was great cause I got great grades, but now I'm wanting the attention I used to get before I flipped on him......

 

But you are right what a prize he would be....Haha he'd be a heavy prize w/ lots of baggage that wouldn't be able to keep up w/ my suit case rolling next to his. LOL!

 

Oh and Sami, you are so right about my dad. He'd flip!!!! He'd be so mad, especially cause he's so proud of me right now cause of school. I was always a bad kid in school, so sucession in education makes him so proud. Anyway, my whole family would be extremely disappointed in me.

[wise woman]

Those of you who are scattered,

simplify your worrying lives. There is one

righteousness:Water the fruit trees,

and don't water the thorns!

[Sami_D]

zoey, it's great to hear you did so well!!

 

Re-reading your posts here, I agree with newbby that that LDR you had wasn't with the best person. What struck me was in your OP you stated that you told LD man what your needs were, that he continued not to meet them, and then you broke off with him. Well that was such a positive move, and you were totally right to do it. Chances are he'd have continued to let you down forever.

 

Now with 'M'M, I think you have the same kind of intuition about him (i.e. that he's no good for you), and you have actually applied NC (more or less!). But you're feeling nontheless 'rejected' by both these men because they haven't tried to force the issue once you've made your decision.

 

The common factor here is that while you can spot a R that isn't good for you, and you can do the right thing in ending it (things that so many people find very difficult!), you then have thoughts and feelings that they didn't care enough about it/you... And you then spend time wondering why they don't. Can you think of any reason why that would be..?

 

Anyway... congratulations once again on such good grades! Hope your family are really proud of you!

[newbby]

zoey, first of all, congratulations on your grades.

sami bought up some good points about self analysis here. i have cp and i know that definetly played a big part in my decisions to both continue to see a mm and be involved in a ldr, i have a long history of unavailable men.

dont analyse yourself too much though. you have your grades now, you can go out and have some fun and put this mm out of your mind.

[zoey15]

And you then spend time wondering why they don't. Can you think of any reason why that would be..?

 

I don't know, maybe I need to do dig real deep and figure this out.

 

Off the top of my head, I feel like the reason for the MM is because I know one day I'll meet a man that I can have a real relationship w/ and that MM is here in the mean time.

 

As far as the LDR, I thought that was the real relationship until I realized we were not on the same page.

[zoey15]

newbby, so you're in both right now? The LDR and the MM situation?

 

Oh by the way, thank you both about the grades thing.

[Sami_D]

zoey, you seem to really have your head screwed on ok... maybe as newbby says, it doesn't matter so much why you tend to wonder about things after you've broken off with men. Just know that it's something you might do. I don't want to encourage you to too much navel-gazing if things are going OK for you. I don't know.

 

How are you feeling at the moment..?

[newbby]

newbby, so you're in both right now? The LDR and the MM situation?

 

 

ooh no i am not in either, and glad of it.

[zoey15]

Sami don't speak so soon about me having my head screwed on until you read this.....

 

I'm doing okay, but I have to admit I saw MM last night.

 

I saw him a few times while I was studying but only for a short time, cause I was busy.

 

His lady had the baby about two weeks ago and he didn't tell me until today.

 

I was getting really weird vibes from him when I would see him only for a short time & I pretty much figured out she had the baby.

 

He said he waited to tell me cause he didn't know how I'd react. When I congradulated him, he asked if I was mad.

 

I told him of course I wasn't mad. I felt a little sad but I didn't tell him that.

 

He asked what was going on with our relationship. Then he said he wanted to continue seeing me and he'd figure out a way to make it work.

 

I just listened to what he had to say, then he said he didn't want to cause drama in either of our lives but we both see drama happening at some point.

 

I feel good. I guess because I see a lot changing in my future regardless if he's still apart of it right now.

 

This might sound funny, but have any of you heard of the new book Dr. Phil wrote about single women finding the right man. I think it's called Smart Love.

 

Well I plan on using his advice and trying to find a "real relationship" this year. Of course MM will be no part of it once I start meeting and become interested in a guy worth my time.

 

It would always be nice to hear from him here and there, but usually the men from my past end up contacting me and wondering what I've been up to later on down the road.

 

That reminds me......the LDR guy. I haven't wanted to call him since I the semesters over. If you remember he called last month when he asked if I had a time to hear him out, when I said no cause I was to busy. It feels like I don't care to even hear what he has to say.

 

I miss our (LDR and I) friendship, but maybe I'm just scared to fall into him again. After all I did feel like he was the one.

 

Back to MM, another thing he mentioned was he was wondering if we would end up more involved, never speaking, or if we'd end up just calling each other when we needed eachother. I didn't know how to respond to that cause at this point (today) I don't know how things are going to end up.

 

Sami, how did you finally leave? Do you have a forum I can read up on about your situation?

[zoey15]

sorry not sami, newbby.

[newbby]

my story is not very exciting. it is dotted around ls somewhere in the archives. me and mm started years ago now, i cant remember when actually, cple of years? and then it ended, and then we became friends a few months later and i was silly and eventually i slipped up again and resumed the a which was awful, so i ended it in october. it took about a month to get over it.

[zoey15]

That's it? only a month. That's great! How about the LDR?

 

What are you up to now? Do you happen to waist time on unavailable men anymore? Of course, I want to hear you don't and that you learned from your experience.

 

What do you think about the Dr. Phil book? Do you think that's dumb to try?

[Sami_D]

 

He asked what was going on with our relationship. Then he said he wanted to continue seeing me and he'd figure out a way to make it work.

 

I just listened to what he had to say, then he said he didn't want to cause drama in either of our lives but we both see drama happening at some point.

 

... another thing he mentioned was he was wondering if we would end up more involved, never speaking, or if we'd end up just calling each other when we needed eachother. I didn't know how to respond to that cause at this point (today) I don't know how things are going to end up.

 

Zoey, be really careful. It sounds to me like you're letting him 'dictate' the flow of things between you two. What it seems he's saying is... he wants this R to continue, but without any drama (inconvenience for him). I hear him prodding to find out what you think about things (what he can get away with - sex with you while his g/f is busy bringing up their new baby?), while you 'just listen' and 'don't know', and so on.

 

Your plan of getting a new man is a great idea (I have no idea about the book), but I really think that you should end it with MM as soon as you possibly can.

[zoey15]

Thanks Sami, I appreciate your advice.

 

I know what I need to do, it's just a tough thing to actually go through.

 

You know it's easier said then done.

 

He came over again last night & even asked if he could stay at my place while I had to babysit at my sisters.

 

So basically, he stayed at my apartment waiting for me until I got back.

 

It made me wonder why he's been with me and not with his new baby.

 

I noticed some of my things were moved around, like he was looking through books I have or photo albums.

 

I realized with an old forum I posted here that I shouldn't feel like I have anything to hide. I guess that's a whole other story.

[newbby]

That's it? only a month. That's great! How about the LDR?

 

What are you up to now? Do you happen to waist time on unavailable men anymore? Of course, I want to hear you don't and that you learned from your experience.

 

What do you think about the Dr. Phil book? Do you think that's dumb to try?

 

the ldr is also over. that never really begun, though. i did use it to get over mm though.

no i am not wasting my time on men.

the dr phil book sounds good. i havent read it, but i did alot of online reading about relationships and how to get the man you want. also reading about how you want to approach a relationship, certainly not with any real needs. using these processes has meant that i went through relationships more quickly than i would have, because they were not right. using relationships as practise, is also a good way to view them, not in a using somebody way, but as in if it doesnt work out, just viewing it as a learning process. learn where you went wrong, and what things you found were missing with them from what you really would like in a relationship.

viewing it that way means that you dont get upset or hang on any longer than neccessary. so any reading is good, always. even if you dont agree entirely with what the book says, because it means that you think about relationships rather than just falling into them.