MrsHopeful Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 We are married for 13 years and have two kids (13/8). My husband travels a lot due to his job an comes home for the weekend only, and for about one night per week. Last year in summer he admitted he had a one-year affair three years ago. This woman was engaged with another men and she and my husband finally broke up. Although my husband sweared he loves me and would never leave me I was devastated. We didn't make love for several months. I just couldn't. So he placed an ad in the internet and looked for another woman. I learned all this right before Christmas last year when this woman, who had foundout our address, snail mailed me some hot emails my husband had written to her. Again I was devastated although he sweared he never met her. But he was flirting with another woman despite the fact we had started counceling in November in order to save our marriage. Nevertheless we went on holiday with the kids right after Christmas. It was very hard in the first few days but in the end we talked it all over and decided to go on with counseling and give our marriage another chance. We even made love again in February. For several months my husband had been looking for an apartment almost 100 miles from our home, in a town where he spents a lot of time because his company is headquartered there. When he finally had found one and was about to move out in May I felt this would be the end to our marriage. We spent a whole night talking and finally he stayed. However he admitted having been unfaithful during the last months, too. But we decided not to give up on our marriage, and he told me he never thought about leaving me and that he loves me. The months to follow were a sort of rollercoaster. Good times and bad times and good times again. Sometimes we were fighting like mad, other times we were happy and made love. But then, 5 weeks ago I learned from the same woman from the internet that my husband has an affair. He admittet it an told me this OW means a lot to him. But that he never intented to leave me, the he loves me and that he will break up with her. He is doing everything now to make me happy and feel good and I do not want to give up on our marriage. He is very caring, he loves me and the kids and he is a great provider. But can I really trust him? Does our marriage still have a chance? What do you think? What would you do if you were in my shoes? Thanks a lot in advance for sharing your thoughts with me.
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 Your marriage doesn't have a chance if he still is hellbent on cheating and being with other women! HE has to know and understand CONSQUENCES of his actions. He is a s***, a big one I'll add. He is lying to you ALL the time and getting away with it. His choices should be laid out for him, plain and simple. NO more other women, MUST go to marriage counselling. OR, goodbye. He loses you, the house and the kids. I'm sorry for your pain, I do hope he grows the F up and realizes he's making big mistakes, one after another...Sadly for you, you are going to have to be the one to do the big shakeup... Question for you...Could you live without him? Physically I mean. If he moved out...(He would be paying child/spousal support) Would you be functional and OK without him? I'm just curious because if fear of being alone without him is what is holding you back from possibly confronting him, standing up to him to actually MAKE him decide what he wants, things are going to stay as they are. He doesn't seem to really care. Yes, he loves you but not enough to stop cheating. He's being selfish and only thinking of himself.
aloneinTX Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 but if I was in your shoes it wouldn't take me long to figure out that he is not commited to the marriage. He plays around way to much to "love you". It is scary to think of being alone and making a mistake by marrying him. Think long and hard if you are willing to live by his standard.
MrsHopeful Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 Thanks for your replies. It's good to have somebody to talk to. My friends told me to leave him, when I told them about the one-year-affair he revealed to me last summer. I didn't because it had been over for about two years and I love him and he said he loves me too, and doesn't want to leave me. Now I can hardly talk to my friends anymore. They wouldn't understand I'm still with him after all that happened in the last 1.5 years. It would be too embarassing. If I can live without him? I do so most of the time. He is out of town 5 days a week and only comes home usually for one or two nights, and from Friday evening until Monday morning. I love the weekends with him. It is good to have him around, to be a family. Our kids enjoy it, too. We spent a lot of time with the kids, our friends and visiting our parents. This is so much better than being a single parent, and we have been together for almost 18 years (married since year 5, when I was pregnant with our daughter). Plus he has a good job and is a great provider. Why should I leave, lose this all and set him free to be with OW? I don't know if he is still seeing his current OW. He says NO and that he loves me, that he wants to save our marriage. Can I believe him? Would counselling really help? I'm not sure. Obviously he was cheating on me, too, when we tried counselling earlier this year. Isn't it more important and proof of his love that he is still with me, acts loving and caring an tells me he loves me and doesn't want to lose or leave me? I threatened to kick him out several times. I was thinking about it for months. He was devastated. He swore he loves me, and that he would never leave me. That me and the kids are his life. Now we make love again more frequently, too. Don't you think this is a good sign? Maybe our marriage is build on shaky grounds. But do you really think I should leave? When I'm so scared that he could leave me, then how could I leave him?
LadyCapricorn081 Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 I know what you are feeling... but you are too dependent on this man... please grow a back bone and stand up to your husband... My husband cheated on me once with one of his coworkers... I put my foot down and laid out all of his options... He chose to stay with me and our son... our marriage has been the great since the affair... I even made my husband transfer to another hospital in order for him NOT to see the OW. You husband has cheated on you many times as you make it seem... why would you want to be last in line? he is gone 5 days out of the week... that is a big sign... if your husband wants to love you and be with you.. then you are the only women he should be with... he should be coming home every Friday night and pleasing you in every way,,, he made the mistakes.. NOT YOU> His choices were not yours.... I would advise if you learn anything else about the affairs... such as they still continue... then you need to be a hard core b!tch about your feelings and what you want from your marriage... and if he doesn't do it.. then lose him.. cause in the long run your only teaching your children that this is how married people work... and I know that is not what I wanted my son to learn from his father... Just my opinion;)
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