smile95 Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 For those of you who know me, I am Beth5201...different name now.....My Grandmother passed away this week. I have been speaking to the ex off and on and he knew she was sick. I left him a message that she had passed away on Tues. I waited....no call.....I had to text him again asking if he got the first text.....2 hrs later, he calls and asks what the text meant? He did not understand that she had died..whatever....he was sweet and ncie and listened to me(I just needed a familiar voice, ya know) and after 5 minutes, he said "I have a conference call I have to do in a few...sorry to cut you off" I am used to work coming first. At the time, I was just glad that he called. I want a man who will KNOW to call and WANT to call me. So he has not called since to even see how I am or anything...I left him a text and a voicemail today to call me and nothing so far. I see, more than ever that I need to forgt this relationship and give up all hope. We are just friends now, but of course I was hoping it would go back to how it used to be. I am no longer making an effort. I am sure if I did not call him, we would not even talk. It hurts so much to know that the first person I thought of and wanted comfort from when this happened, cannot even be thoghtful. I guess this is my wake up call to REALLY accpect that I deserve more. Was I asking to much? If the shoe was on the other foot, I would have called him ASAP and each day after to see how he was.... We were not back together, but for weeks now he has been professing his love to me and when I need him, he fails me.... Not sure I even had a question -just venting.....was I asking too much???
Author smile95 Posted December 1, 2005 Author Posted December 1, 2005 I was asking too much for him to call me back when I was upset?
bendit Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 He will let you down again and again. You should EXPECT this. To expect this person to behave in Any other manner is foolhardy. A leopard doesn't change its spots. regards
Author smile95 Posted December 1, 2005 Author Posted December 1, 2005 I guess I forgot that this man had no empathy in him. He still is selfish even in trying times for ME. But, in a way, I am glad that I found this out. I always knew it, but this was something so important to me and he let me down. I guess that man I made up in my head still is not him! lol thanks....learned my lesson. again. How are people so selfish and thoughtless.
JohnJohn Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 Beth, I know your story, as you know, and all I can say is please stop this cycle once and for all. I hope this was the final straw. You have an addiction to this person and it needs to be ended once and for all. He won't change. You know it and everyone else does as well. Flush him down the toilet once and for all and find someone that will be genuinely concerned about your life.
pippen_2k Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 I thought you stopped talking to this guy once and for all a month ago? Oh well..... Some people must like hurting themselves forever.
jhurtinct Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 smile(beth)- First I'm very sorry to hear about your grandmother, mine in very sick now as we speak and it really opened my eyes alot, about how I spent so much time hurting over this guy and my family who will always love me needs me right now. I thought alot about how much time I spent crying over him, and the people who would have loved to see and spend time with me weren't able to because of time wasted crying about him. I vowed at that moment to spend the little time I have on earth with people that love me and appreciate spending their time with me. As I said, I am sorry for your lose, its a hard time to begin with, spend your time on you and your family, those are the only things that matter today, tomorrow and the next say, because they will be there.
In Sync Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 smile95...beth My deepest heartfelt condolescences to you and your family. You were here for me only a little over a month ago when I told you of my personal loss, and I am here for you. And we both shared very similiar situations with our ex's (I contacted mine for the same reason: out of a need to hear a familiar voice. I had hoped to receive comfort and though he expressed that he was sorry, nothing more came) Yes it takes a deep loss to make one realize how to truly see an ex. He was not there for you emotionally. Unfortunately his lack of empathy compounds the grief that you are dealing with. Your heart is dealing with the weight of losing someone so dear to you, find the strength to put your ex aside. Know that the love you received from your grandmother is everlasting and wrap yourself with the warmth of her memory. She is always with you.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 Hi Beth, Sorry to hear about your grandmother. I hope you do have other friends around that you can talk to (and I mean real friends, not the ex). Well, it's really predictable when these types disappear and withdraw, isn't it! I know this feeling all too well. He'll be there and talk to you when you're happy and can be his outlet...and mind you, an outlet that in some way makes him feel important by being there all the time. But he won't be there when you are not there to make him feel good and important....see what I mean? It's all about him. When you're in a sad situation and unable to provide him the "ease" of happy talk, he'll run away. About him not understanding "what you meant" when you texted him...you know, I think he might be telling the truth. He didn't get it because at that time, you were the farthest thing from his mind. Which is how you are anyway, except when he wants to talk to you. When people genuinely care for you, they're attuned with you somewhere in their subconscious. Because you weren't in his subconscious thought at all, he just went "Duh???" He's just not the kind of person you turn to when you need help. He's too wrapped up in himself to see beyond his nose!!
heartnsoul Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 ((Hugs)) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t76327/ Bendit and Johan are wise fellas! There isn't much I can say or advise that you don't already know. You realize the self defeating expectations of someone who will NEVER live up to them. He doesn't know how. If he's a true N he simply doesn't have the capacity for empathy and/or compassion. He's living in his own world and he's the center of it. Read InSyncs thread above.
Author smile95 Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 smile(beth)- First I'm very sorry to hear about your grandmother, mine in very sick now as we speak and it really opened my eyes alot, about how I spent so much time hurting over this guy and my family who will always love me needs me right now. I thought alot about how much time I spent crying over him, and the people who would have loved to see and spend time with me weren't able to because of time wasted crying about him. I vowed at that moment to spend the little time I have on earth with people that love me and appreciate spending their time with me. As I said, I am sorry for your lose, its a hard time to begin with, spend your time on you and your family, those are the only things that matter today, tomorrow and the next say, because they will be there. Thank you and I hope that you are ok in this tough time. I realized the SAME thing you did. I have to love the people that love me back. I spent sooooo much wasted time on him.....
Author smile95 Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 thanks everyone for the support...you all have been here for me more than he ever was. I see who are my true friends this week. Sad to see, but I know that the ex will never change no matter what happens to anyone else, he is always #1. I am nothing to him. I am not responding to his contacts anymore. this was very important to me and his work was still #1 in this time. I needed this to happen to be honest. I am not going to think of him when I am with my family. I owe it to my Gram. I owe it to myself. I know what needs to be done. I can be a civil and casual friend, but I was looking for more. I cannot have a relationship with him and I know more than ever.
westernxer Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 Very sorry about the loss of your grandmother. You have my condolences.
Author smile95 Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 Very sorry about the loss of your grandmother. You have my condolences. THank you very much
newbby Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 hi beth sweetheart, i'm sorry too for your loss. it is times like this that make you realise who really cares.
Author smile95 Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 the sad part is....I think that him calling=he cares. I do not have a thing to say to this man, yet, I want him to call. I think if he calls, I will feel like he does care and if he DID care, I would not have to ask him to call! I truly do not evenknow what I would say to him at this point? All I have to say would be rude and I am not in the mood to start any battles. I guess I just have see that he does not care(as much as it hurts) and try to convince myself I deserve more. Like I thought he would care? When I have a biospy in the summer he did not show one ounce of concern! I think it is the rejection that hurts most. We are only friends now, but why is he my only "friend" that ignores me and does not call me back during a hard time in my life. I would not be so mad if another friend did this so why HIM! I want to leave this all behind me. I am in denial I think. I just wanted to be comforted by him and now I just feel worthless and more upset and alone.
Author smile95 Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 had to put my pic up with my dog! TOday he is 2! I had to put the poor guy in the kennel on his b-day! What a great mother I am.....
newbby Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 i missed your dog beth. i know its really hard to accept that somebody doesnt care. you know, its his problem though, not yours. ok its becoming your problem the more you make it yours. by taking it upon yourself and deciding it means you are unloveable you are making it your problem. take care.
Author smile95 Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 I really wish I could convince myself it is his problem. How can he tell me he loves me in one breath and then when I ask him to call to talk to me, he is too busy -too busy? No one is too busy when you love them! Do you see my dog now?
Fun2BMe Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 Hi beth, I was dating someone at the time my uncle who I was close to died. He didn't console me at all about it, but was very nice in other ways he usually was. This bothered me a lot that he didn't seem to care or was avoiding the whole thing I was going through. Eventually when things ended, it was less painful because whenever I would remember that time I went through and felt he wasn't there enough for me, I realized he didn't love me the away and as much as I wanted someone to and it helped to move on. I am really sorry about your grandmother and hope you feel better soon.
Author smile95 Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 I want so much to leave him a nasty message and just say what I am feeling right now, but I know that does no good. Knowing me, I will feel bad after. Am I entitled to leave him a nasty message or after he sees I am not calling anymore he will know he screwed up? I think it gets confusing for me when he says he loves me and then does this ****.
newbby Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 aww yes how cute! beth can i just ask, are there unusual circumstances to your relationship?
Author smile95 Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 Hi beth, I was dating someone at the time my uncle who I was close to died. He didn't console me at all about it, but was very nice in other ways he usually was. This bothered me a lot that he didn't seem to care or was avoiding the whole thing I was going through. Eventually when things ended, it was less painful because whenever I would remember that time I went through and felt he wasn't there enough for me, I realized he didn't love me the away and as much as I wanted someone to and it helped to move on. I am really sorry about your grandmother and hope you feel better soon. thanks -that helped. I do think this is my breaking point and letting go point. I want a man who can be there for me and want to help me through difficult times. All I really wanted was to hear his voice and that would help more than he knows, but work comes first I guess. I know that I am emotional this week, but he is making this so much harder for me. On top of a loss, I now have this on my mind. I just do not know why he does not want to comfort me. I guess I know that he has never been that way. I do see this as a deal breaker. Maybe this needed to happen. What is worse than a death? If he cannot be here now, then even the small things in life he will not help me with. Kinda explains why his wife left him while pregant. He prob did nothing to help her!
Fun2BMe Posted December 3, 2005 Posted December 3, 2005 I want so much to leave him a nasty message and just say what I am feeling right now, but I know that does no good. Knowing me, I will feel bad after. Am I entitled to leave him a nasty message or after he sees I am not calling anymore he will know he screwed up? I think it gets confusing for me when he says he loves me and then does this ****. I have been where you're at and currently I am working on controlling my emotions and outbursts of feelings. I've said a lot of things at emotional periods that have screwed things up big time for me. I think that as hard as it is to believe, he may in fact have no idea that the reason you are not calling anymore has anything to do with him not being there to console you. If you leave an angry message, it will sound to him like out of the blue and you're crazy. Let's try to be positive and make things work out for the best. Maybe you can leave a nice message saying that you feel he's not giving you the support and attention you need from him during this difficult time. He might think you're strong and handling things on your own or with your family and might not know he is not being there for you. He might be thinking he's being nice by giving you space to deal with it instead of saying hey let's go out to watcht his comedy that just came out. Let him know how you feel and depending on his reaction, then you can decide to get angry or not at him but let's give him the benefit of the doubt as hard as it is. I would change a lot of things if I could go back in time.
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