does anyone else have this?

[itwontdawnsooner]

is this possible? how do you control your emotions? or at least keep them in check? i used to bottle them up... try to hide them... they'd explode later. now, after some therapy, i act on them - let them come out - but its a lot to take for people (friends, my girlfriend, etc)... i can (at times, not all that often but when something hits a nerve) be very aggressive. its not like a temper, im not violent or cruel, just loud and intense.

 

when an emotion i cant handle comes out - i dont know how to explain it - but i freak - like a sort of tantrum - not childish but raw and all over the place - i get into "i cant handle myself" mode and just flip out on myself. is it possible im just too damn emotional and impulsive - that ill always be that way, getting a little better with time but never over it?

 

do you have any ideas or techniques about sort of being mature with emotions in extreme situations, not letting them always get the best of you? i guess its individual for everyone but just wanted to see if anyone else has ideas or experience with this sort of thing...

[Outcast]

How long ago did you do the therapy? Were you diagnosed with any disorder?

[itwontdawnsooner]

a few months back for 3-4 months

 

just said i was tightly-wound, intense, didnt need medication i was just a very intense person and that was my "style"

 

i get very overwhelmed however. my problem was not letting or admitting to emotions, now when i do its just. a lot to lose control

 

and in those situations where i have no control i become so emotional i feel like i cant handle myself at all and cant deal... i become very frantic-like and wish there was somew ay to calm down. wondering if anyone else had this

[In Sync]

I'm curious as to how exactly do you freak out? I mean, does it bother you for example if someone disagrees with something you say or an opinion?

My suggestion for now is, adopt the behavior of delaying response. If someone says something and you begin to feel tense leading to anger say to yourself I AM IN CONTROL HERE. Then respond slowly. I am not saying not to have emotions but recognize what feeling is going on. I've read that if you feel angry ask yourself whare in your body do you feel anger, for example in your hands, chest...stomache and actually observe it. It soon disappates because when you examine your emotions it's impossible for you to stay in that negative mode.

I would also suggest you mediatate a little everyday. Your emotions are a reflection of what's happening within you. SIT quietly with yourself 5 minutes a day, no phone no thing and just let your mind wander. Breath and focus on your breathing..you'll be surprise at how this untamed tiger you call your emotions can be quite tamed.

[itwontdawnsooner]

thank you for the replies!

 

In Sync, I dont get freaked at all if someone disagrees with my opinion or anything... its usually when I think I've done something "wrong" which makes me a bad person, or a far from perfect one which makes me upset.

 

when i "freak" out, its usually like, i get all tense and jittery, i sort of tense my body, my voice becomes loud... i try to calm myself down in my head, "its not a big deal" "youre not perfect its ok"... or sometimes ill just become very sad and sorry for myself. sometimes its a growing feeling, sometimes its all at once. but what you're saying about delaying, saying I AM IN CONTROL here. I want to do that, that makes sense. Meditate sounds good, do you have any resources on that that you'd recommend? i would definitley be open to trying that and it sounds like an excellent idea

 

it just scares me when i feel so alone, lost, or sad - its usually when i do or say or make a mistake or just fail at something. sounds kind of little i know, but to me it can be huge... and i need to find ways to climb down, at that very moment

[kitten chick]

I went through a very similar thing. I never expressed emotion with the exception of the occasional anger outburst. I kept it all bottled up. Then I went through therapy to become "in touch" with my emotions and since then I feel I have little control over them. I don't have many anger outbursts anymore but I have a much harder time controling other emotions.

 

I am also too hard on myself like you are and have found out that I have strong underlying issues with being "too good". Perfectionism is a b*tch! I'm a firm believer in solving the cause of the problem and not just dealing with the symptoms so I think in the long run you would do well to find another therapist and start working through these things or finding out what underlying issues you face.

 

In the short term I would recommend learning to control your thought process and quiet down your mind. You need to learn to stop getting caught up in your thoughts and learn to let go of things, stay in the present and rationalize. I've found the best techniques and advice in books but you have to practice them for it to work.

 

Trust me, I know, easier said than done.

[itwontdawnsooner]

hi kitten chick,

 

you seem to be in the same boat as i! i am supremely harsh to myself. perfectionism is a b!tch is right! the cause of the problem, for me, seems to be fear of abandonment - thats what was concluded in therapy.

 

my mental chatter can be ridiculous, and its always in the "past" overplaying overanalyzing going crazy over things i have no control over anymore. i worry about losing what i have, losing my love... she is understanding and makes me feel so much better, and ive shared all this with her - ive been there for her in some extremely hard times and have made her feel better when the situation was reversed plenty of times. i am very supportive of her and we love each other very very much - when it comes to myself, im not supportive of myself when i lose control of emotion!

 

what books, btw? any suggestions? i just wish i could shut my mind up for a while - drinking a few calms me down (not binge, ever)... i dont do anything else but i realize that is far from a solution, and probably a really bad idea.

 

as im sure you know, its just hard to wake up and feel like you want to throw up your hands and say, you know what I GIVE UP and ill never be good enough.

 

i feel for you kitten chick, you seem to have gone through a very similar thing and i hope youre feeling better... i hope you found the answers.

 

ill just keep searching for answers while the mind keeps on going because i must!

[kitten chick]

Oh yeah, I forgot, I have a fear of abandonment too. I'm so messed up I can't even rember all the things I'm messed up about.

 

Learning to live in the present is something that you should look into. Learn to focus on what's happening to you now and live in the moment. Its tough and I definitely haven't mastered it. We are far from the only people out there that think this way.

 

One book that I really liked was Quiet Your Mind. It tries to teach you to stop and "zone out" for a few minutes to clear your mind so that you can deal with whatever is being thrown at you.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1930722311/qid=1133536007/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/102-8042886-9258533?n=507846&s=books&v=glance

[itwontdawnsooner]

thanks again,

 

im going to see if my local library has it, if not ill just buy it not a bad idea.

 

if only i could turn it off... i really feel like im not going to make it. that i am too sensitive to succeed in this world.

 

maybe our standards are too high...

 

 

just the other day i left work early, took a drive 40 minutes away - i had no idea where i was. and i ended up in a bar, just sitting and writing, drinking a couple of beers. there was nobody really in there.

 

and i just realized how small i was. and how i really have no idea what life is about.

 

i make myself feel this way, and its my battle to fight. i dont know why i do it.

[itwontdawnsooner]

and i guess another question is this:

 

at those times when youre just crazy with emotions... is it sometimes best to just walk away... if youre getting upset/intense or whatever, and you dont want to make things worse - or is that avoiding the emotion?

[archbean]

do you think you are better off now, letting your feelings out, or before, keeping them hidden inside? because i still keep everything hidden, but not so much as before. i'll let some of it through, and what does get out, whether it's what i meant to release or not, really worries my friends, especially very closest friend. he wants me to go to counseling or let him help me, but, and i hate to admit this, but i'm afraid to take down my shells and let people, especially him, see me as i really am. i'm afraid i'll hurt his feelings and he'll go away and i won't have such a wonderful friend anymore. i keep telling him, someday i'll tell you, someday i'll be more open, but i keep putting off revealing everything, but i find that more and more it just seeps out, enough of it to scare him, but not enough for him to understand why. this is even more hard to know what to do, since i love him, one of the things i've never told him, but he's gay. i don't know what i should do, should i let it out or keep it inside? since you've had both sides, which do you think works out better?

[itwontdawnsooner]

hi archbean,

 

better off? well, for me, hiding things inside would never last. it just builds inside you. some feelings can dissipate if you keep them inside, but now, letting things out mostly, its freeing (but also not very comfortable for me at the moment)

 

if what u release worries your friends and you dont want to let anyone in, youre fighting a lonely battle! if theres so much there, you NEED to let it out. if you want to, write it out first. open up notepad, word, whatever, type it out - edit it as you want until you think its a pretty complete, very accurate and to the point description of what youre feeling. use this as a guide to what you want to say, because you need to SAY it.

 

i do know though, once you let go completely - its a scary thing. i do think im better off now, but im off to the other extreme and need to find balance.

 

i wonder how other people find that balance, if i let go all the way its aggressive, although some people have told me it is only aggressive because i really did keep it inside a bit longer than i should - either that or it hit a nerve.

[itwontdawnsooner]

im tryin...

 

at the end of the day, before i go to sleep, i feel like im totally alone. keeping emotions in is one thing, letting them out 100% with complete abandon (because i cant seem to do it 50%) is scary. damned scary

 

i feel like im damned to repeat the same patterns and mistakes (becoming too intense to the point i either get flushed and loud or i have to run, literally run, away from something)

 

ever feel that way?

[witabix]

I have struggled with this kind of thing all my early life. I was an angry young man who 'lost it' on a regular basis, for any number of things, perceived sleights etc.

 

The point at which I stopped was during a Psychology course involving teamwork, leadership and the like, the guy said something that actually changed my whole opinion.

 

I asked him about this thread subject, and he said to remember a few things

 

1. You own your emotions.

2. You feel the way you do because you want to feel it

3. No one can possibly MAKE you feel anything

4. You are not a tree, rooted to the spot, you can walk away, use the door.

 

It was no4 that changed it for me, I rarely lose control of emotions now. I simply walk away if I feel it is getting too intense, this has enabled me to engage in some very frank discussions in a mature and sensible way, knowing that there is always the door to use if I am running hot.

 

For me knowing that I can walk away enables me to stay and have whatever the issue is discussed reasonbly calmly.

 

I suppose knowing that I have an alternative to freaking out and realising that I used to use that as a means to an end, ie bullying/frightening/intimdating the other person, I am now in control, and this has bled out into the rest of my life. To the point where my friends now think I am the calmest most together person they know. I am no Buddha by any means, but I controlled my behaviors until they became second nature to me. It takes a long time and is hard work, but its worth it in the end.

[archbean]

it is scary, it's scary as hell, and i haven't even really started to let it out yet. but you've helped me decide to do just that, which scares the **** outta me, but i know it needs to be done, at this point there's not much else i can do. i just really don't want to cry in front of my friend, because i'm always the tough one, the strong one, that's how all my friends know me, as the one who's always pretty stable. that's how good i'd gotten at hiding it, but now it's breaking down, and i'm as ready to talk as i'll ever be. maybe the key is to say, it's ok, it doesn't matter in the long run, this is just a minor issue, and it'll be better soon. it just worries me that now that i've finally found someone i really trust almost completely, that i might lose him because he doesn't want to or can't handle my issues. that's one thing i've learned from myself, is not to take someone at face value, they might be hiding things too, so i alway feel alone on some level or another, and i don't really know who my real friends are. it's taken me a long time to get a pretty good picture of who's really there and who isn't. what helps me is to remind myself that in the end, the only person who can really make a difference in my life is me, and other people, while great to be around, aren't as necessary as it sometimes seems.

[itwontdawnsooner]

witabix,

 

thanks for the insight! im trying to convince myself i have control over my emotions - i do understand that, and to an extent i can say that to myself when i start feeling the effects of getting upset. depends on the situation i guess, but im trying damn hard. i definitley know, you feel what you feel because you are interpreting it a certain way or taking it a certian way, youre not being forced to feel anything. when you get so damn emotional logic just flies out the window - but youre right. now you're better though? how long did it take to sort of work through that?

 

hi again archbean,

 

here's something you really must know: if you are trying to live up to other people's expectations, and that's what's holding you back, that's just going to torment you! believe me, i know. if people hold you in high regard, or think you're so strong, you don't want to show "weakness"... having weak moments or whatever doens't make you weak, getting back up from those moments makes you strong!

 

"maybe the key is to say, it's ok, it doesn't matter in the long run, this is just a minor issue, and it'll be better soon."

-a lot of times, that's the case. in a year from now, two, how big of an issue will it be? this isnt meant to belittle your issues, theyre important, but just to put them in perspective for yourself

 

you're right... you can't take someone at face value, you dont know how theyll react. but you know what, this inner stuff is a part of you. and hiding it is hiding you. that's not what you want to do!

[witabix]

witabix,

 

thanks for the insight! im trying to convince myself i have control over my emotions - i do understand that, and to an extent i can say that to myself when i start feeling the effects of getting upset. depends on the situation i guess, but im trying damn hard. i definitley know, you feel what you feel because you are interpreting it a certain way or taking it a certian way, youre not being forced to feel anything. when you get so damn emotional logic just flies out the window - but youre right. now you're better though? how long did it take to sort of work through that?

 

Sorry didn't see this till now itwontdawnsooner.

 

Didn't mean to be rude.

 

I am better now, not "cured", just better at handling it. Its a little like being an addict, you are never really cured. It took me a long time, many years, perhaps ten or more to really feel like I had it licked, when a situation came up where I know I would have exploded happened, and I didn't. I was so happy with myself.

 

I used to lose it regularly, weekly almost, and violently. Now its never violent I get to my feelings and tell the person what I am feeling, sometimes this is done with a lot of emotional content, it is as you said, more like a boiling pot of emotions, caused by frustration. Holding the lid on is a bad thing to do and dangerous. Letting it out as you feel the pressure, a little at a time, in each situation that arises seems to suit me.

 

For me its letting things build up until it all comes crashing out, and I don't care who or what is in front of me. It is a truly horrible feeling when the anger subsides, I feel embarressed and cold inside, and realising all along it was my fault, that I did that because I wanted to, and because I could, and because no one could stop me, and I did not care what anyone thought, and because I wanted them all to run away from the big monster, screaming, because it used to make me feel good.

 

Sad and pathetic, I know. Do you want people to be afraid of you? Do you want to hurt people? Do you want people to avoid you? Ask yourself these questions, preferably as you feel the anger building, and thats a hard to do, I know rational thoughts escapes by the nearest exit, thats why I always run after it!

[Kengne II]

OMG

 

I read this post, and after the 1st few sentences was DYING to respond. I forced myself to read page 1, but had to respond before moving onto page 2.

 

Everything...well, ALMOST everything you described.. IS ME!!

 

From an early age I have BATTLED with controlling my emotions. When an emotion overwhelms me... be it anger, happiness, sadness, whatever!... it literally consumes me... like a wave in a tsunami... I have felt incapable of controlling.

 

Like you - I stopped repressing it because the outburst down the road was always 10x times worse.

 

But now - I still struggle with learning to control my emotions.

 

What has helped me GREATLY is the following:

 

1) Learning that emotions don't control me. I CONTROL me.

2) Recognizing that emotions are based on my reactions to events that transpire in my life. If I can control the way I think & rationalize those events, I can control the resulting emotion.

3) Getting a grip on my mental chatter - I analyze, re-analyze, and over-analyze things TO DEATH! - not good!

 

I began meditating, and doing alot of reading on positive thinking. I understand now the importance of LETTING GO and LIVING ONLY IN THE PRESENT - this is SO IMPORTANT!

 

I struggle with my emotions daily.. but it becomes easier & easier with each passing day. I no longer have that overwhelming "OMG I'm going crazy" feeling when my emotions well up.

 

I'm still working on learning to walk away from emotional situations, but alot of these situations arise with my current ex - we are starting over from scratch - and he is big on communication. Me walking away speechless, without explanation, overwhelmed with emotion, does not fly for him. My other ex used to do that to me 24/7, and I HATED it. So I will not do it to him *current ex*.

 

K.

[Kengne II]

Sorry didn't see this till now itwontdawnsooner.

 

Didn't mean to be rude.

 

I am better now, not "cured", just better at handling it. Its a little like being an addict, you are never really cured. It took me a long time, many years, perhaps ten or more to really feel like I had it licked, when a situation came up where I know I would have exploded happened, and I didn't. I was so happy with myself.

 

I used to lose it regularly, weekly almost, and violently. Now its never violent I get to my feelings and tell the person what I am feeling, sometimes this is done with a lot of emotional content, it is as you said, more like a boiling pot of emotions, caused by frustration. Holding the lid on is a bad thing to do and dangerous. Letting it out as you feel the pressure, a little at a time, in each situation that arises seems to suit me.

 

For me its letting things build up until it all comes crashing out, and I don't care who or what is in front of me. It is a truly horrible feeling when the anger subsides, I feel embarressed and cold inside, and realising all along it was my fault, that I did that because I wanted to, and because I could, and because no one could stop me, and I did not care what anyone thought, and because I wanted them all to run away from the big monster, screaming, because it used to make me feel good.

 

Sad and pathetic, I know. Do you want people to be afraid of you? Do you want to hurt people? Do you want people to avoid you? Ask yourself these questions, preferably as you feel the anger building, and thats a hard to do, I know rational thoughts escapes by the nearest exit, thats why I always run after it!

 

OMG... that was ME *without the violence*

 

I have gotten SOOOOOOO angry... been SOOOOOOO verbally aggressive *less swearing or yelling - I just stopped yelling - now I am only very loud, intense & attacking*... that I have caused at least 2 close friends of mine to cry... one friend 1 week before her wedding! I felt AWFUL!!!

 

And the worse part is - I remember thinking when they were crying - "why the hell is she crying? toughen up!"

 

It's like I turn into this monster ... When I lose it, I REALLY DONT CARE!! Rationality & logic hop, skip, run and then FLY right out the window!

 

I cannot even begin to re-hash here the very hurtful things I have said to my current ex, in a fit of anger ... I feel simply horrible thinking about it now.

 

And of course after the storm has passed, I always feel bad about it.

 

It's simply amazing,the power of emotions & words.

 

That's why I decided a few months ago to learn to get a GRIP on my emotions - I am TOO DAMN EMOTIONAL.

 

Like before - it's a daily struggle but bit by bit I AM doing better. I still have yet to encounter a truly, EXPLOSIVE situation - and be calm about it - so I don't really know how much progress I've made.

 

I keep on trying tho - and thats what counts.

 

K.