madamdragonfly Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 I would like to discuss sexual addiction and how/if it can play a roll in infidelity. Here's my story: I have been with my husband about three years now. He and I are both highly sexual creatures and discussed openly the real fact that staying faithful would be the hardest of our marriage vows each of us would have to keep. That being said, we've managed on pretty well and stayed very open with each other until about 8 months ago when I started discovering internet sites for swingers, sex only relationships, etc. on the computer. When I busted him, he was open with me about the strong urges he was having and we got him into counceling. We both agree that he fits the criteria for sexual addiction despite the fact that it has never reached anything physical. I have to say, that my resolve was to treat this as one would treat alcoholism...both staying open minded and trying not to enable bad behaviors. I have felt pretty confident that it was working until I found out two weeks ago that he was sexually engaged with a woman that he works with over the internet at work....cyber sex, for excitement of the chase and nothing else....or so he claims. Sadly, I do not believe him and am struggling to hang on to my resolve. On one hand, I see this man, whom I know loves me very much and wants to be a good husband and father and then on the other I see the man that only loves me half as much as he loves himself and I struggle to understand the seperation of body and heart that he seems to be tormented with. The "excitement affair" (which is what we have started to call it) started right after we found out that I was pregnant, about four and a half months ago. I feel betrayed and terribly bitter, which I'm guessing is normal. However, knowing that there is an underlying problem is confusing my healing process I think....I mean...can you call a spade a spade when dealing with sexual addiction? There is a fine line between reason and excuse...finer still, is the line between needing to believe in a person and denial. I sure could use some objective opinions on this, thanks in advance. ~J~
whichwayisup Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 It seems this isn't about you, it's all about him and his controlling the urge. He needs help to fix the problem. Separate HIM as a person from the husband/father role...As a person he is messed up. I'm sure when he does this, nothing matters, or somehow he justifies it in his head that he isn't doing anything wrong, upsetting you, letting you down...As I said, it's not about you, it's about his needs and his sexual addiction. Hope that makes sense and helps you realize that you're not doing anything wrong here.
Author madamdragonfly Posted December 2, 2005 Author Posted December 2, 2005 If I understand you correctly WWIU, you are saying that I have to concentrate on my healing and seperate myself from both his problems and his recovery? I can see that and can certainly give it a try. I've spent my whole life trying to accept the reality of us as humans...maybe it's time I concentrate on myself as a human. Sigh...so much easier for me to go into "I can get through this" mode than to allow myself the hurt. God, it hurts so bad that I can't possibly explain it. I'm guessing most of the people on this site can understand that. You know, I lived for years as a single mother because I could have unthreatened happiness...control my own life and destiny. I didn't let down those protective walls until I was absolutely certain that, though this man was human like all others, that he was one with integrity and honesty. He could be trusted and I could feel safe amd secure. I thought he was my best friend. WRONG. Now I feel so alone and scared and terrified that the only real way to be happy is to be alone. I have no idea why I am even focused on trying to help him through his problems, since I really should be tending to myself...other than the fact that it is a nice distraction from the pain I feel. And, it makes me feel like we are moving in a positive direction. Forward progress is not always what it seems, I guess. Thanks for your opinion WWIU, it helped. ~J~
Outcast Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 Addiction isn't a character flaw. If he's willing to get help, then that's the sign that he is the man you thought he was.
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 Is he willing to change? To do what is required to fix himself, get help and work on the marriage, be a husband to you and a father to the kids? I agree with Outcast. If you want to be married to this man then you will have to change your expectations of him until (hopefully) he can change. If he isn't willing to change you have to decide if you can live with life as it is. I think you deserve better than that, so do your kids...I can't decide what is best here, only you can...But, remember one day those kids will realize what a mess their father is and maybe resent him for what he's done to you and to them. If you didn't have kids, would you still be staying with him?
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