eggroll Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 Ok, I have no idea if this is the correct forum but this is my issue. My wife and I get along ok. However, she says she is going to divorce me if I take a dream job (one she understood that I could take when we got married). It is not that she diapproves of the job, its that she doesn't want to leave her family behind to move to another city with me. She says she thinks she will die if she can't see her family easily, and that she will be missing too much. I respect this don't get me wrong, but I have an opportunity to do something special with my life, something I have worked towards my entire adult life...and now I am going to bag it? We both are in a situation where we both give up something very special. I for one think family ties extend beyond geography, but she says that she is so sad about this that she just wants to go live back with her parents. I don't think either one of us win, anyway way we cut it. Am I selfish for wanting to take my career over her and paying the price of utter disappointment? Keep in mind, she knew about this a long time ago. She put the ball in my court and it doesn't help that her family is pressuring me about this either. I think she needs something from someelse that I cannot give. I think I could try and drag her, but that isn't fair either. Obviously, our marriage is predicated on her location to her family. I don't get it. we have no kids to consider in this decision.
Trimmer Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 Wow, that's a rough one. You feel confident that you both understood and agreed that this dream job might be in your future? Before getting married, did you both discuss her need to stay geographically close to her family? Did you come to any agreement on that, and did you discuss at that time how it might be inconsistent with your potential job? One of the first things my counselor asked me when I went to her explaining that we were having problems in our marriage was, "What are your contracts, what are your agreements?" In other words, are one of you looking to break an agreement that you have actually made, or is this all based on each others' assumptions? For example, before your marriage, did you "talk about' this job, but did she assume that the possibility was too small to worry about? Did you talk about her need to stay close to her family, but did you assume that this was just a desire, and that she would follow you if it came to that? If (1) you talked about the realistic possibility of this job before you got married, (2) it was clear that it meant moving, and (3) she agreed, and now she's saying "I'd rather leave you and stay near my family", then that tells you how she prioritizes your marriage vs. her family. And I agree - it seems that an awful lot of people are able to fully commit to a marriage, and yet still maintain close ties to their families-of-origin even when separated geographically. But again, we're not talking about other people, we're talking about one individual - your wife - and if it's a deal-breaker for her, then it sounds like you each have a hard choice to make.
quankanne Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 make a list of pros and cons, including whether this dream job has better pay, benefits and perks AND if the standard of living:cost of living ratio is equal. And how far away from family it is, if you can easily drive or fly out to see family. And if there's a chance that in a couple of years you can relocate with same job closer to home. part of marriage is understanding that living situations will change, and that many times you respond to that change … as much as she loves and will miss her family, your marriage is about the two of you making a life for yourself, not clinging for dear life to the past. Mind you, it's not easy moving far from your loved ones, but sometimes you've got to take the chance, else you will regret or resent not doing so later down the line. Most of my money went to Ma Bell and Southwest Airlines when my mother was alive, and while we both wished we lived closer, there have been no regrets (at least on my end) that I followed my calling even though it was across the state from my mom and dad.
Lil Honey Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 I can certainly relate to her apprehension. (I am in a LDR, moving away from my family is on my mind as well.) She will be leaving everyone she knows, loves and trusts to go to a place where she knows no one. I think Trimmer and Quankanne have given you some really great advice. If the two of you have discussed this before marriage, then she shouldn't be that surprised. I suggest finding all sorts of ways for her to stay in contact with her family (phone, computer, visits, etc.) She needs to be assured that there will be funds to cover airline tickets or that there will be time for her to drive any distance. Try to present all the options in a positive light. Also, show her the ways that the move would benefit HER, not just your career. Is there something that city offers that she loves that your current location doesn't?
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