Palagran Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 Hi... my name is Pala. I've read through some of the threads here; this seems like a good place for support. I'm in a bit of a situation and could use the insight of some objective observers. I'm gay, first of all, and have been seeing my boyfriend exclusively for about six months now. We had a long and amorous courtship, which ended in him saying he loved me and wanted me to move in with him. I did, and we've been living together over a month, although I spent many weekends at his place well before I moved. He's always been the quiet type -- as am I -- which I guess is one thing that drew me to him. I've been thinking he would loosen up to me as time went on, but that's only been partly true. Whenever I try to discuss important things with him like relationship matters, feelings -- you know, all the important partner stuff -- he goes dead silent and won't budge. He stays consumed with his work and college projects pretty much all the time, and I work too, so we have very little time together to talk about important things or otherwise. One day I managed to get him to talk a little bit, and found out... -He doesn't know if he likes living with someone. -He doesn't know if he loves me (when he said it before, he only *thought* he did). -He doesn't know if he wants to be with a man or woman. -He doesn't know if he wants a relationship at all. I left the conversation pretty much at: I'll be the best partner I can, and if you decide you want me, just ask, but you have to know that's what you want first. Now, the third thing listed is particularly devastating to me, given that I've put forth all the energy in the world to make this thing work, and he's staying distant because of *this* kind of uncertainty. (You can only imagine how inadequate and horrible this makes me feel.) It seems to me that you shouldn't have to decide what you want and then do that... you have to take what life hands you and make the most of it. If you're constantly asking yourself, "maybe I want something else instead," you'll never be happy even if exactly what you want is right in front of you. I told him this and it's been a long while, but he still doesn't seem to have made any progress in the matter. I want to talk to him about it but he'll just go silent again and we won't get anywhere. Maybe a little background will help. All I've managed to find out (from talking with a mutual friend and other sources) is that he has had two female partners in the past who treated him badly by what I understand, and one other male partner (who happens to be the mutual friend). He has the whole wife/kids/white picket fence picture in his head but also desires the freedom and monetary liberation that comes with a different lifestyle. He says on his online journal that he has these two different sides to him and a third that just "hates himself" for any number of reasons. I'm terrified he'll give me a shot and then arbitrarily decide later he wants a family or something and ditch me for a female. Seeing as how I'd rather not have my life completely destroyed in such a manner, I'm asking myself if it's in my best interest to be patient and let him figure things out. After all, maybe I'm just freaking out from all my past failures. In any case, I've very much fallen for him and truly don't want to leave. So, now I'm left hurt and confused. I'd appreciate any insight into this matter. Thank you all.
JadeStar Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 So did you enter into this relationship thinking he was just gay? Because it seems to me if he's not sure which way to go then he would be bi. I'm asking this because I'm just trying to understand if you were under the impression he was strictly gay and thats it? Or did you just recently find out he has been with females before? At any rate, sounds like you're doing all you can do. He may need time to figure out what he really wants. Sounds like you know who you are as far as being gay. Maybe this is something he just recently has come into light about. Meaning maybe hes always felt unsure which way to go, maybe he doesn't know who he is, bi/gay. I say give it some time, and I understand this is frusrating for you, but if you push him on the matter, you may push him out of you life for good. I do not think you need to put your whole life on hold for him forever though. Maye a little time and if at some point he can't seem to come to grips with who he is etc, then maybe it would be time to move on. Jade
Author Palagran Posted December 1, 2005 Author Posted December 1, 2005 Thank you for replying! I knew early on that some of his exes were female. I even knew that he still had questions about his sexuality. What I didn't know is that he would retract all his affections towards me so suddenly, just because he doubts himself (which makes me feel completely worthless, even if it's not my fault I don't have certain female attributes). Give it some time, then... alright. It is probably best to let things come around on their own. The real question is exactly how much patience I have... and youth. o.o
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