Resolving feelings a discussion

[Painwraith]

Ok

 

This is an open discussion that I feel I need a hand with to sort my own feelings on the issues of coping with a break up.

 

I have found that inactive parts of my day leave my mind to fall back to thinking about my ex....

 

What I am thinking is why? why do we beat ourselves up over this issue? we look at all the things that happened and all that comes is negative thoughts and emotions. Its a vicious circle of beating ones self up over something that you have no control over...

 

Now lets look at the naked truth, most people here are desperate for help on either getting their ex back, understanding what happened or utterly devastated. they spend their time asking these three questions and all the same answers keep being returned, 'dont bother getting them back they were not right / nasty / dont deserve you', 'you will never truely know why' or 'you will get over it'.

 

But what about all those love shack members that have been through this? how did they resolve their issues and what steps were taken? Everyones different but how did you or are you resolving your issues?

 

Another thing I would like you all to do if possible is to ask three friends what the best thing and worst thing about yourselves is?

 

Let the discussion commence!

[slubberdegullion]

This is brilliant.

 

You're absolutely right, PW, in that the standard phrases of "they were not right / nasty / dont deserve you', 'you will never truely know why' or 'you will get over it'" really don't address the issue of the here and now. The drowning man doesn't need to be taught how to swim; he needs a life ring first. Then, once he's safe, he can take swimming lessons.

 

Getting over the collapse of a relationship often depends on the nature of the relationship to begin with. When wife #1 and I separated, I found myself being pursued by a sweet young thing within a few months. Needless to say, when opportunity knocks, knock up opportunity! But though this young woman and I had a torrid sexual relationship, there wasn't much more to it other than that, and I was clearly not ready to invest my emotions so soon. We split up after a few months, so I packed my bags and, quite literally, took a trip around the world. It changed my life, from a staunch and unrepentant conservative to a much more accepting liberal.

 

The split between myself and wife #2 was completely different. I was tremendously relieved when she left, and the burden that was lifted off my shoulders straightened my back and my outlook.

 

So I suppose the way we deal with a breakup is situation-dependent.

 

As for the three best and worst things, it depends on who you ask. But in the spirit of the discussion, a female friend of mine said this:

Best

• Sense of humour;
  
• Astonishing sexual technique (yes, she really did say that!); and,
  
• Smart without being condescending.

 

Worst

• A propensity towards depression;
  
• Too tight a lid on feelings; and,
  
• Too introverted.
  

 

Now, if I would ask the same things from the view of my sister or brother, or my neighbours, you're likely to get very different answers. Perception is everything.

 

except my one hottie of a neighbour, with whom I've had the exquisite good fortune to share a bed with

[Painwraith]

Ok

 

male friend one:

 

'worst is definately your far to over sensitive and hang onto emotions for far to long, best is you can be very understanding if someone needs you to be and you make me laugh'

 

Male friend two:

 

best- honesty and loyalty

 

worst- vulnerability and gullibility in relationships

 

Female friend one:

 

best things about u from what i know are that, u really want to treat a lady right, ur a good listener, and u give good advice, ur caring.

 

tbh i dont really know any bad things about u

 

These are positive!

 

Makes me feel better and I now know what I have to work on!

[Outcast]

But what about all those love shack members that have been through this? how did they resolve their issues and what steps were taken? Everyones different but how did you or are you resolving your issues?

 

By realizing that

"they were not right / nasty / dont deserve you', 'you will never truely know why' or 'you will get over it'"

quite literally. By taking an objective view of the situation and realizing that the relationships had too many negative elements to be good for me and that I was actually better off not in them. Much of this stems from being (I'm told) too tolerant. I make allowances for people beyond fairness when I should draw the line a bit sooner.

 

Yes, people had good qualities and there were pleasant aspects of the relationships but neither were sufficient to outweigh the bad.

[slubberdegullion]

... Much of this stems from being (I'm told) too tolerant. I make allowances for people beyond fairness when I should draw the line a bit sooner.

As much as I luv ya, Outcast, I have a bit of a hard time believing this. But hey, that's just me...

[Outcast]

I'm a pussycat, Slub. I don't put up with BS so I don't take up with the sort of person who's full of BS.

 

I have taken up with a couple people who had pretty wretched lives and who, I think, hoped I could help them deal with the resulting problems. I tried my mightiest but some people are too badly damaged by what's happened to them to be able to manage their lives or relationships very well. I wore myself right to the edge of serious depression before I had to acknowledge that I was attempting the impossible.

[slubberdegullion]

...some people are too badly damaged by what's happened to them to be able to manage their lives or relationships very well. I wore myself right to the edge of serious depression before I had to acknowledge that I was attempting the impossible.

Oh, I hear ya loud and clear. I fell into the same trap myself, more than once (slow learner, I guess) and the exact same thing happened to me. I certainly learned a lot, both about myself and the ones who I was with at the time, but eventually realized that the happiness of another person was dependent on themselves and not on me.

[patwheel]

I make allowances for people beyond fairness when I should draw the line a bit sooner.

 

Yes, people had good qualities and there were pleasant aspects of the relationships but neither were sufficient to outweigh the bad.

 

We all make "allowances" for the ones that we love. However, you couldn't put it in a better way, no matter what the good times were, the bad times will always haunt you.

 

For myself, I was put my life on hold pretty much for 2 weeks, with thoughts running through my head, asking myself, why why why. And everytime I would, I would dig myself a little deeper. And then, it hit me:

 

• I was too dependent on her
  
• No lines between her friends and my friends
  
• Forgo projects for her
  

 

On the other hand, most people will say Im a nice guy, listening, caring.

 

I am working on those, being happy with myself again, getting projects started, and planning a move to the east coast!

I am talking to a psy, helps a lot since I don't have anyone else to talk to directly, and just start doing stuff myself again. I think the addiction for me is gone and the spark,romance and everything else that comes with the package is definetly gone.

Just like I was saying in another thread, I am away from home, pretty much by myself, and when I was with her, I would pretty much put my life on hold for her or forgo stuff for her(like going to a better school on the east coast!), but it's a hard thing to do when the only direct emotional support you have is your SO.

 

After this whole thing, I am doing much better without her, working on myself again, and I can do what I want without her pouting at me. Time helps, but you have to be willing to change in order for time to work. I know time didnt help during those two weeks that I just have been down and out.

[In Sync]

This particular break-up for some reason, brought up emotions for me which were completely intense at at times extremely overwhelming. In the past, I was able to brush off my hurt superficially and put them away. Denied to myself my hurt and pain. Hitting this brick wall has forced me to go through every emotion and examine really how and why I got into this relationship. I also think some cosmic force also lead me to this website to aid in sifting through this period and helped in not feeling isolated.

Lately I'm thinking all the answers I'm seeking come our of my fear of the unknown. I won't get answers from my ex obviously, but having answers make me feel ok, I'm not nuts here, what did happen really? I'm also facing my fear of the unknown. After my break-up I didn't know what will happen to me. I had completely lost myself to this person..can I be alone again. Will I be alone continuously, what's next? I felt security in being with someone, and that is probably why I stayed in an unhealthy relationship.

But in hindsight if my pot hadn't boiled over I would have reamined completely unaware about my habits and actions...a life unexamined so to speak. So I guess it's a good thing in the end.

My feelings as intense as they were actually guided me to this point of looking inwardly and I won't deny feeling my pain any longer, now or in the future.