ktmrider Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 I just told my wife to start dating other people during our separation. I also told her that I'm not going to contact her (physically separation although email is okay) "until" she has dated other people. I'm sure people here may think I'm out of my mind for telling her to do this but I think it's right. Up to now, we have tried separation but we end up seeing each other every other week. The longest no contact was like three weeks. We both have tried working things out but "something" is wrong. I just can't figure out what it is. I only see the results. I see that she is still unhappy in general although she tries to be happy at times. Plus, our sex life is shot to hell too. Right now, I would rather not make love with her because I feel that she's verbally abusive to me when we tried to make love. For example, she would easily get annoyed if I don't touch her right. She would lecture to me while I'm trying my best to do it "right". She doesn't know it but when she does that, I lose all motivation to continue. A few times I have had to bite my tongue and just continue so taht we don't get into a fight over it. I'm afraid to initiate sex with her now because I feel that everytime is a test. I'm no longer able to feel good about it. I've been doing the same thing the past 10 years but all of a sudden I'm not doing it right. I don't understand! So I could not stand it anymore so I told her that I will not see her again until she finds or figure out what it is that will make her happy again. I told her that I love her and want to be with her for the rest of my life but I will not be in this relationship if she doesn't want to be with me. I said that either she wants to be with me or, if she is not, leave me. I'm not going to force her to love me. I told her that I would rather see her be happy with another man than to be with me and not be happy. She then told me that she's afraid to date other people because it may complicate our situation even more. Plus, there is no gaurantee that the next guy will be the right guy either. (I personally think that this is a selfish attitude). It's as if she wants he cake and eat it too. She doesn't want to dump me because she knows that the next guy may or may not be better than me. No sheats! Am I doing the right thing to give her the permission to date other people? Am I stupid?
Trimmer Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 I think having her cake and eating it too would happen if she wanted to see someone else on the side but still keep you waiting as well. Frankly, I tend to agree with her opinion that her seeing someone else would only likely complicate your situation. You seem to have the common "cake eating" scenario flipped on its ear here - it seems like often a WS cheats secretly and wants to keep the BS (you...) strung along as backup, or just because the WS is too weak to leave the marriage. In her case though, it sounds like she doesn't want to try an outside relationship (unless she already is and is hiding it) - the fact that she resists because she doesn't want to complicate the situation between you two is the complete opposite of someone who is trying to leave - it sounds like she is predisposed to stay, doesn't it? And her comment that the next guy might not be the right one anyway, I'm not sure how you're seeing that as "selfish" on her part. This is a response to you telling her that she should have a relationship outside your marriage, and couldn't you look at her response to mean "dating someone else isn't going to solve anything...", which I think is true... Frankly, I wish my wife had said "We may have problems, but I don't want to start a relationship outside our marriage" (but she did) and "I don't want to complicate things between us." (but she did) And incidentally, you didn't just "give her permission", it sounds like you are actually pushing her to do it by saying you are... ...not going to contact her (physically separation although email is okay) "until" she has dated other people. I'm no expert, but you seem to have a fragile situation here, but one that may have some hope still lingering. I can't see how inciting her to have an outside relationship will increase that hope any, and I can certainly imagine how it may help to blow out the flame... Is it possible that you are encouraging her to date around to achieve a permanent split, but to have it look like it was her doing? Do you really want to stay together, and are you willing to really work at it, which means not changing her, but being willing to make some changes yourself? Sorry if I'm in a gruff mood tonight, but unless I'm really misreading your posts, it sounds to me like your marriage has some hope left, she seems to be indicating that there's some hope left in her, and she has communicated her main problem issue to you. Have you tried any couseling, either alone or together? You've acknowledged in earlier threads that your difficulty showing love and affection plays into the problems between you two, but are you taking any action to solve that, or just sitting back and expecting her to make the decision whether to take you or leave you as you are?
simon sez Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 It isn't her that needs to be dating others. It is YOU that should be doing the dating. She needs to see that you are moving on without her. You are coming across to her as "weak" . Women respond better to men who are decisive and who know what they want. You are trying to get her to make up her mind about you, when it is YOU who should be telling her that you aren't interested in a woman who can't be happy.....
Scott S Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 Am I doing the right thing to give her the permission to date other people? Am I stupid? From your other posts, I had surmised that yours was a trial separation. Is this not the case? The purpose of a trial separation is ostensibly for each to work & resolve individual problems that cause relationship problems. They often become so intertwined that some physical & emotional space is needed to sort out & resolve them. Becoming involved with outsiders would not be conducive to this end, & in many cases would be more detrimental to the relationship. Each situation is different, of course, but (generally) dating outside the marriage will further complicate an already messy situation. As such, I would not recommend it, & agree with her on this issue. I don't believe you are stupid. I believe that you are upset about your situation, & that your reasoning is unclear as a result. ________________________________________________ When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. When life hands you limes, make margaritas.
Author ktmrider Posted December 1, 2005 Author Posted December 1, 2005 Great! Now how am I going to tell her that I want to take back what I said. Thank goodness she is very understanding.
Trimmer Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 Great! Now how am I going to tell her that I want to take back what I said. Because she is understanding... It seems like she wasn't all that enthusiastic about your suggestion anyway, so if you now admit to her that you were angry/upset/frustrated/whatever, and that after thinking about it, you don't like it either, then you've actually moved into a position of agreement with each other. Don't be afraid of saying "I was wrong," if you can be sincere. The only obstacle is probably your ego, and I only suggest this potentially inflammatory point because I know it from personal experience. You've got a messed up situation, no doubt, but you've also got a wife who apparently isn't looking for a way or an excuse to mess around on you, who gives you a better than 50/50 chance of getting back together, and who you know to be understanding. I sincerely wish you the best of luck; I would have given anything to have those odds.
scobro Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 I would have given anything to have those odds. me too trimmer me too:(
Scott S Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 Great! Now how am I going to tell her that I want to take back what I said. Just tell her that. Tell her that how upset this situation has you, & that your reasoning is cloudy. Something else you can tell her - "I love you!"
Mz. Pixie Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 Was it not your wife who was already going out and you saw someone's car at her apt?? Perhaps I'm confused.....
westernxer Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 Am I doing the right thing to give her the permission to date other people? Why not just see a marriage counselor?
Author ktmrider Posted December 2, 2005 Author Posted December 2, 2005 She doesn't want to see an MC because she doesn't believe in them. Her sister is social worker and even qualified to be an MC, and that even scares her more. Six months ago I confronted her about talking to a coworker on the phone but that has since stopped. I guess I'm just impatient and not working on improving myself enough.
Recommended Posts