OBSESSION, by Calvin Klein

[AltplanB]

I now know that i have been obsessing over my ex. All i do is write in a journal (ive never had a journal before), talk to anyone that talks to me about her, dream about her night and day, and think of every possible concievable way of gettin her back, even the strategies involving moving on. I feel like i need the treatment from Spotless Mind. All i can do to fall asleep at night is to work out until im so tired i can barely drive. Since im a boxer, ive been bareknuckling the bags and have no skin left on my knuckles. But the pain feels so good when i hit the bloody bags. I imagine its the guy whose ****ing her now and i imagine the blood from my hands as his face. Guess it probably wouldn't be a good idea to go anywhere near him. Anyways i wrote this post because i recognize now that im obsessed and all the other women that i have seen or are seeing are not helping but rather making me miss her even more. Because i have turned her into a marter, ever girl that i would date otherwise, has been turned away. Ive even laid the whole story and questions on one girl that liked me and she decided to help me even though she really liked me and there was no chance of us hooking up. **** im ****ed up and i never realized it until i got dumped by someone i realized was better than me.

[bigbrowneyes]

Hey Alt,

Journaling is very therapeutic and can be very helpful when you are coping with a difficult situation. I’m sure you’ll find a very supportive group of people on LS who can offer some great advice. I’ve found this site addicting due to the positive support and enlightening approaches on dealing with life. There is also a thread on here entitled “What would your X’s ad say?” where you can write a personal ad for your X. Not only did writing on that post make me feel good, just reading the other ads made me laugh. It’s hard to feel down when you’re smiling! Give it a try...you'll definately enjoy the read.

 

It sounds like you definitely need to talk about your situation and opening up here is probably a better approach than bending the ears of anyone who will listen. I find that eliminating contact with my X has helped me get through this difficult time. Not know anything about his life is also helpful. When someone tries to share information about my X (who is well known in this area b/c of his business) I politely asked that we change the subject. Each day you will get stronger and the days will not be as grueling once you begin focusing on living your life well. Keep your chin up and stay strong.

[ReluctantRomeo]

How long has it been?

 

Have you thought of therapy?

[lindya]

Since im a boxer, ive been bareknuckling the bags and have no skin left on my knuckles. But the pain feels so good when i hit the bloody bags. I imagine its the guy whose ****ing her now and i imagine the blood from my hands as his face. Guess it probably wouldn't be a good idea to go anywhere near him.

 

Doesn't sound like it would be.

 

I can appreciate that anger gives people extra energy and this might help you in your boxing. I can also see why people might feel it's a good plan to take out their anger on a punch-bag.

 

On the other hand, I can't help thinking that the more you focus on the idea of your ex having sex with someone else when you're hitting that bag, the more you're compounding your furious emotions about this...possibly really just prolonging and fuelling the anger about this rather than learning to manage and eventually lose it. Might it be time to consciously detach yourself from thoughts of your ex when you're engaged in your training? After all, I should have thought that good control over your emotions is particularly important in any kind of sport - even (especially, perhaps) a contact one.

 

It's interesting that your post elicited a very aggressive response from another poster. I wonder if this is the sort of "support" you might receive if you try to discuss this matter with friends or your coach? Obviously that could be quite harmful as it compounds the feelings of aggression without giving you any useful insight into where they're coming from. Often, in these situations, the aggression comes from more than just the current problem....and learning to deal with it can involve tracing back events in your life to find out what the various causes might be.

 

Is there anyone you can talk to face to face who would be able to discuss things with you in an even-toned manner and help you to manage the strong feelings you have about this? My real feeling from your post is that you feel a loss of control over your emotions right now....and I'm just concerned that the "punch bag" remedy won't necessarily help you regain better emotional control.

 

It might be an idea to arrange an appointment with a sports psychologist. Your advantage is that you have a job in a sporting field... where the consequences of your emotions are instantly apparent. Therefore you're probably very well placed to benefit from input from a sports psychologist

[meltwithme]

For now let the anger drive you to become better, anything to improve yourself will help, focus on your passions, be the best damn boxer in the world, try to accomplish any goals you ever set.

 

But for the love of... yourself, try to stop thinking about her with the other guy. You know it won't make anything better, and it's pointless to put yourself through that pain (mental and physical) because quite simply it won't change anything.

 

Some other shmuck is pounding her, that is a terrible feeling because you so deeply care for her. But she obviously doesn't give a damn about you anymore, so she's probably not as great of a lady as you think. I know it seems like your heart is just ripping apart but you will realize there’s someone better for you. Don’t edit out the bad parts man.

 

My first love is doing this to me right now and I’m finally not bothered by it anymore, let the guy get your leftovers and deal with all her bull****, at least her issues aren’t your problem anymore. You need to forget she exists, once you stop giving a f*** what she is doing with who it will get better. Hang in there.

[AltplanB]

Yea your all right, except the dick who told me to stop being a puss. I'm just so confused because i treated her like my everything and helped her through every problem and when she found something she didn't like about me, she just up and left, instead of sticking it out like i did. I still hold thoughts that she will come back to me after like 3 months, dropping her rebound and remembering how good i am for her. I do this and it kills me because its the exact opposite of letting go. We are taught here to let go and at the same time, think about what went wrong and learn from it. But really, when one analyizes the past, all they can do is look for solutions. All i do is run full circle from hating her for what shes down to loving her for who she is and missing her all the while. Its hard letting go of someone you adore and someone you wish you could be. I just hope that i have the strength to move on and still keep a glimmer of hope that she might return.

[Roarz]

I'm in the same boat. I treated my girlfriend like a princess for 2 years and a month after she gets to college "Oh I'm sorry, I just don't see us together in the future. I'm different now, we arn't compatible anymore. We arn't good as bf/gf, but we are perfect for friends. I love you only as a friend, ect ect" tons of bs. Then suprise suprise, 1 week later she's dating this guy she met in her classes (Luckily he dropped her ass after the first few dates so I guess karma can help out sometimes). I know how it is man. It's been about 2 months since it happened and I'm finally starting to come out of it. I think I had/am having such a hard time getting over it because I invested so much of myself into her. I literally thought of her as my 2nd half, and seriously planned on marrying her, so when it ended, I pitifully clung to her for an entire month, ignoring the signs, and yelling at her for not being a good friend when she said she wanted to be. You've probably forgotten what life is like without her, because you've probably done just as I've done. And it hurts worse because you opened up and trusted so much of yourself to her and got burned in the end. But as time goes on, the reality your living (life without her) will finally override the fantasy reality you have built up inside of you about her. It's finally happening to me and I think it will eventually happen to you too. Even though you won't listen (I never did until I finally got it through my head), NC really is the best until you reach this point. Don't do anything crazy like lash out at her like I did (even if she deserves it). If you truly didn't do anything wrong, don't sweat her loss. Even if she doesn't come back, trust me that she'll one day be regretting her decision and let that bring you peace of mind. Just hang in there buddy.

[AltplanB]

Sent her this, probably wont accomplish anything:

 

I want to get something off my chest.

 

I just want you to know that I don't blame you for your decision and that I know you will be happy living in Berkeley. I want you to know that I really miss you and still love you very much. I'm sorry this has happened and I wish everyday that I could make it better. I look back at all the times we had, both good and bad, and pray that it isn't over. I try to keep myself busy, I try to put on a smile, but I know that you are happy without me, and that this is your choice. I know that I have problems, just as you do, and know that I am working on them as we speak. I know that you will be with other men, and that you might forget about all that we had, but I don’t want to give up on someone I think is really special, someone I truly care for, even through all that has happened.

I still have fun and I still have a life that has goals and meaning. I still party. I just miss you so much and wish that we could be together, if not now then in the future. I love everything about you, I am sorry, that’s just the way it is. You once told me that you couldn’t stand it unless you were absolutely in love. Well this is me, being utterly in love with you, no second thoughts, no unresolved anger, just love. Love for you and who you are. So I just want you to know how I feel. I just want you to know that I love you so much, that if that if you are happy with someone else instead of me, ill try to let go...If not, I'm always here for you and you should know that.

[meltwithme]

Sent her this, probably wont accomplish anything:

It won't. You might have even just made it worse so

 

now you gotta stop for good man, you told her your letting go, do it and never never never (I know it's hard to imagine) contact her again. Don't look back and just keep telling yourself that you're not going to see her ever again and that your just gonna have to deal with it like a rational man would.

 

It seems like you don't want to give up or still have hope , and that is going to really make things tough until it's gone. I hated it when people told me to move on but once the reality sets in that she isn't coming back it gets easier.

 

Follow this simple rule until you don't care about her anymore:

What do you do if you've given up? You don't call.

What do you do if you don't want to give up? You don't call.

 

No words can help you forget her but

Ask yourself: why you would want her back after she f.ucked you over so bad and put you through all this misery?

The answer can't be "because I love her" - it takes two to love and she doesn't.

Once you eliminate that answer you will find it extremely difficult to come up with good ones.

[Zetter]

Melt, that is some solid advice. I tried the line of questioning and came up with very little. AtplanB, I know exactly what you are feeling...helpless, hopeful, angry, afraid...every second is a different emotion. Some guy I was friends with is screwing my wife now. This was a guy who my wife hated, and I had to work diligently to get her to even come out with me when he was coming. i keep thinking that if I ever saw him in an alley, he'd need a miracle. But my rational side is stronger than my emotional, so as much as I'd like to hand this guy his teeth, I get it all out in my head so that when the day comes i can wink and walk on by. But don't feel like your emotions are wrong. Feel depressed, feel lonely, feel sad. You are hurting...you are supposed to feel that way, for a while. If you didn't you would be a robot. It's OK to feel all of those things because they are there for a good reason.

 

I've done the same thing you are likely doing with the emails, and then the NC, and then more emails. Everyone keeps telling me to make up my mind that it's over, and I keep trying, and some day I'll get it. What keeps happening is that i see something in an email or read into something she tells me, or she flat out tells me that she isn't sure what she wants. Then a week later she tells me something different. Anyway, the point is that hope is not a bad thing. Looking back, however, I've used it as motivation to see what fault I had in the marriage failing so that I will be a better husband for someone else, moreso than what my original intent was, which was to get my wife back. good luck brotha.

[AltplanB]

well the email failed. she read it and didn't respond. I know she read it because it shows when someone is on myspace and i saw her log on read it, and log off. So screw her. She doesn't want anything to do with me and i dont want anything to do with her, the friends she stole, or the life she left. I am tired of being so depressed and so lonely, i am tired of hurting so bad over someone so cold to me in my time of need. I am tired of being there for someone that wouldn't be there for me in return. I am tired of her. I can only wait for things to get better. Ive pretty much flunked half my classes because i couldn't stop focusing on this and i alienated myself from everyone at the school. I live alone in an apartment (im only 20!) and have nothing to put my mind too except working out. I dont want anyone feeling sorry for me, i dont like being weak. I will just have to wait for a time when things get better. A time when she realizes her mistake and i turn her down. I dont want her back. Not after all this. She is dead to me.

[AltplanB]

I miss her so much. I cant talk to her and im going insane!

[CaliGuy]

Alt, you're going through the same thing I am going through now. It's tough but you must go through the normal cycle of emotions (grieving) before you will be able to start healing.

 

Shock, Despair, Anger, Acceptance

 

You need to tell yourself that you are worthy of being loved, you just picked the wrong person to love (just like I did). I know she is not right for me and yet I can't help myself sometimes from wanting to just be with her. She's not mentally all-together and when I finally put my foot down last night and said "It's done, you have to go!" I felt a great sense of relief.

 

The pressure for me to please her is gone. I realize now that I basically had a bilge pump trying to save the Titanic. Nothing I could do or say was going to stop it from sinking. Does it suck? Sure it does. But you have to somehow understand that you are only in control of you, not your Ex. You can do nothing to bring them back. The only hope anyone has is to let them go completely and focus personal self improvement.

 

This starts with first accepting that it's over.

Understand you are worthy of being loved.

Understand you picked the wrong person or the wrong time/circumstances.

Understand that the relationship is out of your control.

Understand you can only control yourself and it takes 2 to tango.

 

It's ok to think about your Ex. Writing in the journal is good therapy. But you also need to get out, hang out with friends, occupy your time. Play video games or if not, get out of the house. Take up some other hobby. When you find yourself thinking about your Ex, try and focus on the negatives she had. This will come in handy later and give you a good laugh when you realize you got away from a bad fit. My ex is a pig and never cleans up after herself. She doesn't wear underwear and yes, it makes stains on her clothes. Talk about GROSS!!! And to top it off, she never does laundry. She throws things around the house to the point it looks like a pig-stye. I am no Mr. Clean Freak but geez, at least I am sanitary.

 

And knowing my ex wants $12,000 in plastique surgery tells me it wasn't me that was the problem. I fell in love with someone who doesn't even love themself. How can you love someone else if you don't love yourself?!

 

Find some negatives about your ex and try and remain focused on that. She didn't have the courtesy to write you back, she doesn't respect you. If you continue to try and talk to her you will only further cement the image in her mind that she was right for leaving you.

 

Prove her wrong by forgetting about her and moving on. It's hard, it takes time, but we all eventually get there and meet BETTER people!

[steffany]

You are on myspace...well that is my only addiction So many old friend show up on there every day

 

I think you need to only think of her and him when you box. I don't agree that journaling is good. If I did that I would be thinking of my ex more. Making it harder for me to ever stop.

 

I think that one letter written with all your thoughts and feelings and then buring it is good. But daily log of thoughts and feelings just keeps them fresh.

 

I know what you mean it being hard to not think of her with another guy. I had to stop contacting my ex in any way because I stopped by while he had a booty call there. Man I am just today - 1 week later - able to say that without wanting to cry or scream or knock that hoe on her a**

 

Yes it ain't easy. But you gotta stop torturing yourself by replaying these thoughts. It's like when you are on a diet if you keep thinking about cake the more you are going to want cake. But if you change your thoughts over to something new like fresh cool juicy fruits that's what you start to want.

 

I hope you soon find something different to occupy your thoughts with.

 

Good luck

[itwontdawnsooner]

you cant help but think about her. its going to happen. all you can do is erase reminders, remove myspace comments - myspace messages. i wouldnt have sent that email, but whatever. you got it off your chest. thats good. it needs to get out somehow. creative stuff works well. accept the hard truth. if she is dead to you, and you dont want her back... thats how you need to see it. youre not weak for being affected by emotion! that doesnt make you weak! strength is making it through this. and you can!

[AltplanB]

Thank you very much for all your support. I go day to day, riding the emotional rollercoaster. It can hit me in the middle of the movie, and i can't even hear a word their saying. Other times, i can go 20 minutes without her on my mind.

 

Something i learned about love is that its something you hate, unless you have it. When i was in love, it was wonderful, only because i was being loved back. When love is unreturned, you begin to hate the feeling and the insanity that it puts you through. I believe this is why so many people find rebounds. They want the feeling of love back, the feeling of someone's unspoken need for them. I went through a couple girls but i couldn't do it, knowing that all i would do is hurt them in the end. That and my body keeps telling me when im about to sleep with them that, "NO, this isn't her!" and i lose all attraction. I hate that my ex has either raised my standards on women, or taught my body to not sleep with anyone else. I guess when it comes down to it, she had me whipped and i didn't even know it. yeouch.