BBBT3 Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 Here it goes! Christy and I have been together for more than twelve years now! [gasp] We have lived together 9 of those years. Over the course of our relationship we have certainly seen some struggles. We have both had an incident where we kinda strayed on the other. Mine occurred first, and 5 years ago. I met a girl and had become good friends with her, we talked often and had occasional visits. This lasted about three months. I ended up camping at the same place she did during sandfest 2000 and lets just say that things went to far on that weekend. I had honestly never envisioned what did happen - happening! it just kinda did! To be clear on what did happen, it wasn't intercourse. But we did make out a bit and each of us attempted to give the other oral sex. The girl was seriously into it, I on the other hand kept shying away. Until finally I just walked away telling her that I was sorry I had let it get this far and that christy and I meant more to me than that. Looking back, I now know that my interactions with this other girl were nothing more than some excitement in an otherwise mundane relationship. After that much time, if two people don't really work to keep things exciting then it just gets that way. I think I was victim of boredom. The next day I went home and told christy what had happened. As you can imagine, it hurt christy deeply and she moved out for a period of about a month. We talked about it and came back together. Then In about a half years time, she found herself experimenting with a guy. Only her actions were less intrusive than mine. She said the two of them never so much as kissed, and that they only talked occasionally. She to realized through talking w/ this guy that her feelings for me were much to great to mess around and ended their friendship. And for the next three to four years things went along at a pretty happy pace. I attempted to marry her shortly after her little experiment, but she said she'd need a little more time to think on that one. So I agreed to be with her and to wait until she figured out what she needed in order to marry me. That time lasted up until about three months ago. She had figured out what she needed to know in order to answer my question. This was of course during my time at the nightclub (bouncing) and my other two jobs. I was stretched pretty thin and was feeling it. I was pretty irritable when I was at home. I even mentioned to christy that I was feeling a slight depression most days. Around the 25th of september christy caught me in between my shift at the office here and my shift at the nightclub and wanted to talk. Her intention was to tell me that she had figured the marriage thing out. But I was in a grouchy mood and didn't let her get that far. She asked if I would sit with her and talk before I left. I remember being a butthead about it but agreeing to a talk real quick. As soon as I sat down she asked me "how are you doing?" I think my depression and frustration about many things in my life at the time took over. I started by saying I wasn't happy and that her and I were nothing more than friends and that I didn't know how we could get back to where we use to be and blah, blah, blah. I basically painted a picture that I wasn't happy and needed some time and space to figure things out. And what I had in mind wasn't for her to move out, just to kinda leave me be for a little bit so I could think about what it was that was really bothering me. Well I drug my feet for a couple of weeks and still never had an answer for her. So she decided to move out herself. She said she thought it was the only positive thing she COULD do at that point for either of us. But prior to making that decision she had gone through all the things that I am now going through. She said that the feeling of being in limbo for that long made her believe that I was "checked out" and just hadn't said so yet. That being the case, she went through a load of pain and suffering but eventually she says she kinda "calloused over" to the feelings she had for me. So she moved out! on the 9th of Oct. and since that day I have gone round and round in my mind about all the ways I was acting and what I truly wanted. Not a day goes by that I'm not in pretty huge pain about the thought of losing her. Even though we aren't officially split up at this point, It is certainly hanging by a thread. She has recently confessed to wondering if the grass is greener on many occasions over the last couple years. But has always felt strongly enough about me to dismiss the feelings. She also says that off and on over the years she thinks we may have gotten together at much to young an age to get that serious for so long. And that she missed out on that part of life where people are dating and having roommates and partying through their college years. Since we were so committed from the start neither of us ever experienced this 'phase' in life. So while she still says she couldn't have hand picked a better man for her than I, and that she can't picture marriage and children w/ anyone else. She is thinking now that she may need to experience a little bit of that life that she missed out on. She is wondering if she'll look back at her life when she's 50 and regret not having lived a little bit more wildly at any point in her life. She wants to hold on to me and hopes that we can work this out, but she's not sure how to resolve her wonders keep her and I going at the same time. She's been hoping that living apart for the last 52 days would stir up some feelings, or make her miss me enough to help her w/ the decision to stay or go. But to this date she still says that she isn't sure which way to go with it? I sit in pain everyday waiting for some clarity to come her way, or some sort of sign that things are looking up. It's really painfull for me to just wait this out. Last night we talked and she mentioned that she is leaning more towards a separation. I took it kinda hard but took it none the less. I said that if that was the way it was going to go, then I guess that's the way it has to be. I asked her if she was ready to make that decision right then and there? She said that she wasn't ready to to that just yet. So I asked what she thought we should do in the meantime? She figured we should think on it and get together tonight and talk some more. I'm so scared of what is going to happen. I don't want to hurt everyday like I have been, but I don't want to hurt from knowing that it's over either! She still says she loves me, just that we've lost our connection and that she's not "in love" w/ me right now. She is hoping that something (time & space?) will help her get back to those feelings of not that long ago. She says all the time that she doesn't want to lose me. But that she can't figure out why it's so hard to choose. Her nagging feelings about being independent and single are really weighing on her. She says that 50-60% of her feels like she would be happier staying in this w/ me, but that the remaining 40% is confused and conflicted w/ all these other "issues". Should she scratch the single life/dating itch, or jump back into an engagement w/ me. This is her daily struggle. She says the one thing that makes her feel like she needs to break it off w/ me is not her certainty that this is what she wants, but the obvious pain that her indecision is causing me every day. She says that it's hard for her, but that it's clearly more painful for me. And that it creates an enormous amount of pressure for her to decide. She feels like she is responsible every day for causing me hell and doesn't want to feel badly for not being able to just choose something. She'd like to be able to just carry on in her own space and to think about things w/ out feeling pressured by anyone, or anything to make a choice. WHAT AM I TO DO??? Should I suck it up and let her see what the dating world is like and just go on w/ my own life and hope she rediscovers me? Or should I hang in there and just give her some more space. Maybe not call, or see her as often as we have been? She thinks we should maybe take a month where we don't contact one another. Just to see if it draws her nearer to me. Because as it's been, we've seen each other 2-3 times a week for the last 7/8 weeks. So she's not sure she's been giving herself the right amount of space to deal with her issues. What does it mean when she says she can't imagine a family w/ anyone but me, that she loves me, that she doesn't want to lose me, but that she's not IN love w/ me? And can't say for sure which way she wants to go?...........IT'S ALL CRAZY!! I'm just looking for your advice I guess?
fatcat Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 Unless You Marry Christy Its All Good. But You Do Have A History... I Suggest Marrying Her And Ending The Playing Around. You Love Her So Why The Hell Not, Unless Youre One Of Those Non-commital Boobs
Recommended Posts