3 year relationship troubles...confused

[RD37]

Hi all,

 

I am 29 and my girlfriend is 33. We have been dating for 3 years, but lately things have been not going so well. I have not felt very happy in the relationship as I feel like I do all the giving and she mostly takes.

 

Background: We are both in graduate school. We met here. She will be done this year and I have another 3 years or so. She will be moving for her job and I am supposed to be moving with her. I have had 3-4 1 year or so relationships in my life, but this is the longest. She had a 6 year emotionally abusive relationship that she got out of once we met.

 

Issues I have with her:

 

Neediness vs. Independence: I am an independent self-reliant type of person. I don't really need loads of emotional support-though of course like anyone I like to have someone to talk with if I feel down. I have a good amount of close friends and newer social friends. She on the other hand has no close friends (meaning that she can talk openly about whatever with them) and very few social friends. The result is that all of her fun, support, love,entertainment etc all come from me. I cook, try new recipes, choose the movie/activity. I don't want to! I always try to get her to do what she wants but she always defers to me! I also encourage her to spend time with her friends and time for herself but she always says she would rather spend time with me. I have told her that I think it would be healthier for her to be her own person and do her won thing sometimes and she agrees intellectually but never seems to act on it.

 

Jealousy of my time and women: I don't really have any close female friends here, but she gets very jealous of the time I spend with my male friends. She has a night every week where she goes to hang out with her friends, but I don't. I usually go and do things with my friends while she is busy doing schoolwork and can't hang out anyway. It has gotten ridiculous though because she pouts and cries and says she feels left out when I do my own thing. Now I am at the point of asking her permission to go and do what I want so as to make sure she won't get angry. I realized that a few weeks ago because I have started hiding things from her-little things-like a woman talking to me at the bus stop or that I hung out with a friend for the afternoon (b/c she might get jealous). I hate this. I feel like I can't be myself. It has driven a wedge between us. I never get jealous of her and always try to keep communication open. She can tell me pretty much anything and I am willing to listen. I never know if what I say might trigger some crying bout or jealous fit or that I have "hurt" her. Trust me. I don't do anything that ridiculous...but in the past month I have started not telling her things because I don't want to deal with the big scene that ensues. This is not my ideal of relationship communication.

 

Manipulation: I feel she manipulates me by her neediness. She will start crying when I do something and say that she is not mad just "hurt". The other week she felt hurt because I ate dinner and was full when we had plans. This despite the fact that I cooked the dinner for her anyway! I think that what happens is that I feel guilty when she gets upset because I care about her and don't want to hurt her feelings and so I cater to her neediness more and more. It is bad. She also asks me questions that force arguments. For example I told her about my feelings about our relationship last week and the other night she asked me "So how do you feel about us? (4 days later) To my mind this was just asking for trouble. Obviously everything hadn't become completely great again in 4 days! There was no way I could answer that questions without her getting upset. That was exactly what happened. She asked me and then got pissy when she didn't get the answer she wanted.

 

Selfishness: I do little things for her all the time: give her rides to class, buy her some lunch when I know she has no food in the house and drop it over, leave little notes around telling her how much I lover her, watch her cat while she is away, walk her home if we are out somewhere etc. She does almost nothing for me. She admitted this last night and said that she was extremely selfish.

 

There is more, but these are the outlines of our problems. So here is my basic question:

 

I want to be mature and give everything as much of a try as I can-I want to make things work. But we have been having 1-2 times per week little discussions about these flare-ups for almost a year and I am simply drained. How do I know when I am bailing out on something, and when I am trying to repair something tat will never work? I don't really look forward to hanging out with her anymore because she just doesn't seem like much fun and I never know when some little thing is going to set her off.

 

Any advice? This thing is long enough as it is...

 

Oh I should add that I told her most of this Sunday night and told her that I wanted a week off to think about things. She has called me everyday...I told her today not to call me anymore until I call her and she hasn't so far. We have agreed to go to a counselor for couples but to be honest I am not super-optimistic right now. She will be moving in 5 months and I don't see this getting sorted out by then. I am, however going to give it a try.

[Sevenmack]

Sounds like you've created a long list of reasons why you should move on and find someone better. At the same time, you have listed many reasons why you need to make some changes in yourself. Chances are she isn't the first emotionally unavailable woman that you have hooked up with. You might need to decide why you choose to end up with women like her (it is your choice), then make the changes necessary to find someone who will be a contributing partner in your relationship.

[RD37]

I don't think it is that she is emotionally unavailable as much as that she is dependent and needy...

[Vertex]

Yeah she just seems needy to me. Perhaps try doing less for her? Or ask something of her? Just try to balance it out somehow? Just ideas.