pandnh4 Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 hi everyone... i am concerned about conflict with my gf... i know better than to use *extreme* words such as *always* so i will just say that i feel like she *often* does not listen to me when i bring up something that bothers or upsets me... whenever this happens she gets very defensive and starts to interrupt me constantly... when i point out that she is not letting me speak she interrupts that and gets more upset, saying *ok, i get it, just say what you're trying to say* but when i do she interrupts again... this is the epitome of catch-22, imho, and i don't how to handle this... even worse is this often escalates into a heated argument because i get so frustrated and she decides to not even listen to me... i love her dearly but it hurts me so much to see and hear her get so crude, vicious, and insensitive with me whenever i have an issue to bring up... i think that i am more than accomodating with her when she is upset about an issue; she's told me that in the past sometimes all she wanted was for me to say that i love her and leave it at that... i know that at times i have been a little defensive myself but overall i am there for her when she needs me or is upset about something (whether it be something that i did or said or something unrelated to me)... well sometimes i wish that she would just acknowdledge that she hurts me sometimes too and return the courtesy of listening and comforting... i'm not overly demanding or complaintive and i favor open and honest communication... she gets insulted if ever i propose a counseling session (saying that we've *only* been together for 5 months)... what can i do? please help anyone...
slubberdegullion Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 Oy oy oy... this is not going to get any better, my friend. Sure, you may love her now, but jeez... How long do you want to be with someone who can be "so crude, vicious, and insensitive with me"? She's pulling your strings like that because it's working for her. So you've got one of two choices:Tell her to start packing, because you will not tolerate this anymore; orJust stop arguing. Just plain stop. If you have an issue that you need to resolve, do it on your own. You could also take some tips from this. Good luck! Frankly, from what I've read here, it doesn't look too good. Sorry.
Author pandnh4 Posted December 1, 2005 Author Posted December 1, 2005 hello slubberdegullion, thank you for your time and response... i've posted a couple of threads already in the *dating* forum about some issues between my gf and me but figured that now i need advice on how to get us to help ourselves... here's a little mor detail about our issues my gf of 5 months and i have been fighting more and more lately, especially the past few weeks, and it is often because difficulties communicating with each other... whenever an issue comes up, she gets very defensive and borderline aggressive, regularly interrupting me and periodically throwing in cheap shots (along the lines of *well i just think that's f*cked u* or *that's just and a**hole thing to say/do*)... the moment i try to point something out to her, she'll jump on whatever i'm saying without letting me finish and trying to dissect my incomplete thoughts... when i tell her that she's not listening to me she gets more upset and tells me to get to my point, but then the same cycle repeats itself... i've tried strategies for better communicating such as taking time-outs, not attacking, active listening, positive reinforcement, etc, but it feels as if the moment i give in a little that she takes advantage of the *apparent* moment of power and starts pointing out other issues... last sunday we had a heated argument and while i was at the limit of my patience and frustration with her not listening to me i told her that i didn't think we should be together anymore... after i dropped her off at her place we talked more and reconciled, but not without some more fighting before finally *working* things out... since then, however, she's been very short with me, crude at times, and just been piling on issue after issue... i feel as if there is no way to get through to her... she told me that last sunday really affected her and despite my attempts to comfort her and make a clean slate, she is still passive-aggressive with me while alternating with sweet, nice gf mode... when i do bring up that it hurts how she treats me, she sometimes wises up and calms down, but other times just points out how i just hurt her so it doesn't matter... i'll admit that i've said/done my share of hurtful things but i am working on things and feel like i am the only one... i've proposed couples therapy (to which she often responds negatively as if it is an insult after only 5 months together), i've sought friends' and impartial advice, i've spoken to a therapist myself, i've proposed books and articles to read... nothing seems to make a difference though... last night while i was comforting her she kept crying and bringing up old issues that were not relevant, and the moment we get any closer to resolving one, she'll bring up another and often flips out about it... i think she is depressed and needs help, counseling, or to work with me... she is being very stubborn about it; i am worried that permanent damage has been done to our relationship... if not, how can i get through to her and reconnect? i feel as if i am getting to the limits of my patience but i don't want to give up on her because i love her with all my heart.. please, does anyone have some advice or insight?
hotrod12345 Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 Im in your same situation!!!! Damn right to the bone i swear i feel for you man. Im the type of person that wants to resolve something the moment it comes up so it doesnt drag into another argument later. My girlfriend is the type to just get pissed off and not talk to me and then im stuck with he being pissed at me and an issue that has gone unsolved. IT SUCKS but you know what its not so cut and dry with the solution. Relationships take work and you have to determine how much she means to you.(Im in love wiht my g/f) And if she means anything to you, you need to just put up with it and continue working through it. Its not easy but i guarantee its worth it in the end. I know that sometimes when she gets annoyed with me, if I just ignore her for a bit she begins to feel very guilty and then realizes she was being difficult. And, then a good response later will be to tell her that she hurt your feelings. I've used that one before. You don't want to look like a baby, but just that her actions made you feel really bad. Guilt can be a wonderful thing! good luck and dont give up!
itwontdawnsooner Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 i feel for you! relationships do take work... you have to decide for yourself how much that is. people mature, and change a little - they learn... but if they are willing. its about how much you can stand when it comes to waiting for that. people don't change drastically. this is an idea, which may or may not help at all, take it with a huge grain of salt but its just an idea: as hard as it is, you have to try and detatch yourself a bit - you wouldnt want to stay more distant forever.... the idea is to do it now, and to see if she changes at all. to sort of back off, become less emotionally heavy in everything, and if she starts throwing a fit, almost act as if you want to be completely cool as a test for yourself. see if you can. you speak, she starts throwing a fit, make yourself stone cold calm as much as you can. WAY easier said than done, but try it as a test for yourself. dont get pulled in to her hysteria. be a better person than that. a more mature one. youve worked on yourself plenty, and no youre not perfect (im not either, shes not either, nobody is). and maybe, as far as she's concerned, she IS trying to be better. might not seem like it, and maybe she's just stubborn. you love her, so you want to be with her and help her if you can. a great line i heard from a support person: "you want to be her SUPPORT not her SAVIOR." love makes you do crazy things, but dont lose yourself, and realize that sometimes you have to rephrase or learn ways to not set things off. if you dont feel its worth that, or you feel like that makes you less of yourself or genuine, consider doing something other than staying. youre not wrong in trying... youre not wrong in loving. just remember, youre half of the puzzle, not all of it.
ms_jnj Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 Well, I've been in your exact situation..and this is how it ended up over the span of a few years.... He's interrupt me, never hear what I had to say, resort to cheap shots over the most simple-to-resolve conflicts. He never actually heard me or made an attempt to. I eventually found out that this meant that he didn't give a S**t about my feelings or hurts. He just didn't want to be bothered and the more worked up he would get about it, it would get to a point where I didn't even want to bother with the argument anymore --bingo that technique worked, he wasn't bother with actually having to listen, respond and take action about my needs/feelings. I began to resent that he didn't care about my needs/feelings. Thus, I fought fire with fire --when he had a problem I flat out ignored it, or acted like it was the stupidest thing ever. Hoping (stupidly) that he would realize what it felt like and change. Nope. Resentment only got worse with time. If I wanted something that might pose a problem to him, I didn't bother to ask him how he felt about it, or how it affected our relationship I just did it. I figured it was pointless to talk about anything with him that he might not like --it wouldn't do any good, as he would just hurl insults at me and interrupt anything I had to say. There was no such thing as a civil discussion of relationship issues with him. It built to the point where I felt so unloved, uncared about, and his stinging insults were starting to have a real affect on me, so I used them against him. When he failed I told him he was a loser, when he made a mistake I told him he was stupid. I started to believe these things myself, and soon lost almost all of my respect for him. Sounds awful, but all along I loved him very much. All along I tried again and again to have rational, peacful, respectful discussions with him --which always ended with me in tears over his cruel words. All along I hoped he would notice that his kind and sweet girlfriend had changed into a jaded, and unforgiving person...and all along I hoped that he would ask why. He never did, because he never cared what was going on with me...all he ever cared about was being right in everything. Eventually we parted ways and I learned two good lessons: 1) Never be with someone who bellittles you or won't listen to you in an argument and 2) Should such a situation arise don't try and fight them back but try and be the rational, bigger person. I agree with the others --you may love her but you need to sit her down and tell her to shut up and listen to you without saying a word or you are leaving her for good right there and then. If she doesn't, leave, even if you come back later. If she doesn't shape up after that --- it doesn't matter if you love her because she doesn't love you. Good luck.
Recommended Posts