TroubledDude Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 Ok, to begin with, I read some prior threads dealing with this, but I figured it would be worth discussing my particular situation. Basically, I have been dating a girlfriend for 4 months or so, and we are quite serious, and in all other senses, very happy with each other. In any case, the one thing about her that always bothered me was that she would talk about ex-boyfriends and her ex-fiance. In fact, she even brought them up on the first date. Now I was able to get over this, and the more I've gotten to know her, the more I love her. However, she would nonetheless occasionally mention these guys, and moreover, would make allusions to all the guys she dated and refer back to her old college girlfriends and her as getting "wild." This always bothered me for several reasons. First, I'm a 28 year old guy, and I'm relatively sexually conservative. I've had 5 previous partners of 8 years. So, with her mentioning these guys, and referring to thise "wild" times, I was always sketched out by how many guys she'd been with. It just didn't reconcile with what I knew of her. However, over time, I kind of figured the number of partners she had from the fact that I knew of her serious boyfriends and ex-fiance. I figured it was around 3. But the references still bothered me. So one night we got to talking, and I asked (which I regret). She told be that she had 7 partners prior to me. I wanted to vomit. Mind you this was over 7 years, but within a more recent timeframe, she had 3 within the past 1 1/2 prior to us dating. All were guys that she was "dating," not one-night-stands, but I wonder how long she dated some of them Now, I know that I shouldn't worry about the past, but this just leaves me with a sickening feeling. It seems like a lot of people, and it makes me question whether I really know her. I'm trying to just put myself past it, but it isn't easy. It just lingers in my mind like, "oh well, I'm just number 8. She's definitely been willing to share herself with others pretty readily." Thoughts? Thanks.
Art_Critic Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 She has had the same ( almost ) number of partners you have had.. You wanted to VOMIT ?? Maybe she wanted to vomit when she found out your number.. 7 partners is not a bad number.. 27 or 37 at your age would be.. Give her a break...You will enjoy things better if you don't key on things like the number.. because in the end it doesn't matter...
a4a Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 It sounds like her mentioning her past partners is upsetting to you....maybe chat with her and let her know this in a calm fashion. She probably is not trying to hurt you with this information just does not realize that it does upset you. As for having a few more partners than you did.... so what.... she is yours now right? a4a
Author TroubledDude Posted November 30, 2005 Author Posted November 30, 2005 Thanks for your quick replies. I don't mean to judge her on this, just something that feels uncomfortable. You're right though. Trying to get over it and move on.
Woggle Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 So she's not a virgin. Big freaking deal. It means she has been there and done that and won't feel like she missed out on something if you guys get serious. I don't know why men are so concerned about this.
slubberdegullion Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 TroubledDude; You may not know it or think it so, but you are one lucky b@st@rd. You've hooked into someone who's obviously very comfortable talking with you. As well, she's had her "wild" times already and, if she's anything like the rest of us, is comfortable with that being in the past. Not to mention that she knows what she's doing sex-wise. Just think of it: Of all the men she's dated in the past, she's with you. Sure, it may be a bit irritating hearing about all her previous experiences, but that's a huge compliment to you because she's put all that behind her and is focusing exclusively on you! If her talking about it really bothers you that much, tell her that it hurts your feelings (go heavy on the "feelings" stuff, chicks dig that). But, most of all, be thankful that you've got a tigress for a partner.
oh_what_am_I_doing Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 Is there really that big a difference between seven (hers) and five (yours)??!! As I was reading your thread, I thought you were going to say she had 30 partners or something, and I almost spit milk out of my nose when I read that her number was only seven. Geez, my number's seven and I consider myself conservative. Then you say that she's had three partners in the past 18 months.... ok, so that's roughly one guy every six months. Did you expect that she'd date someone for six months and not have sex with him? If she had three partners in one week, I might worry. Three partners in a year and a half is a-ok in my book.
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 I've had 5 previous partners of 8 years. So she has had 3 more than you. BIG deal. Sorry but you can't control people's past sex lives...I really hope you haven't talked to her or made her feel bad because of her past. IT is part of who she is, all those experiences in and out of bed...She wouldn't be the person infront of you now if she hadnt' had those experiences. Enjoy her, love her for who she is, not her past. How would you feel if she only had 2 men and you had 5 women? If she was upset with you because of your past...It just isn't worth making a big issue out of it.
filarena Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 Dude, that's nothing. I was a virgin when my gf and I got together and she's slept with more guys than she is years old, and yeah, there were one night stands. I can't say it didn't make me mildly uncomfortable at first, but I know that it doesn't change how she feels about me.
reservoirdog1 Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 There's nothing you can do about it, and she's been pretty upfront with you. She's not ashamed of it, nor should she be. To say nothing of the fact that 7 is peanuts nowadays, especially by the late 20s. You have to either get over it, or end things with her. Even if her number was higher, so what? It's all context. Say a person's thirty and has been in a series of one-year relationships. That's potentially 12 partners since the age of 18. Which may mean the person doesn't know how to make a relationship work, but that's a different problem -- doesn't suggest anything about their sexual morality. I started dating my XW when she was 18 and I was 20. I was her sixth partner. She was my first. And it never bothered me... honest. What she did before me was none of my business. By comparison, when she and I separated two years ago, I was 31. Since then, my number's gone from 1 to 9. I've dated women since then with numbers from 0 to 12+. And it's largely irrelevant. Focus on the good stuff, buddy, and ignore the irrelevant stuff you can't do anything about anyway.
RainyDayWoman Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 So she has had 3 more than you. BIG deal. Sorry but you can't control people's past sex lives... i know....it drives me crazy when people do that. it's like, uh, newsflash: I DIDN'T FREAKING KNOW YOU SO IT WASN'T YOUR BUSINESS THEN AND IT'S NOT YOUR BUSINESS NOW. i thought you were going to say 100 partners by the age of 12, the way you carried on, troubleddude. as long as the person isn't dragging you into an STD pit or screwing other people when you're with them, get over it. you'll feel better when you let go. seriously. why stress yourself out over something that has nothing to do with you and you will never be able to change? good luck.
newbby Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 if you bring this up it will make you look as though you have an inferiority complex.... have you?
Sevenmack Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 I don't necessarily blame him for getting upset because she should have never told him in the first place. When it comes to past sexual relationships, the best policy is to simply say 'I've been around' or 'I'm experienced,' instead of elaborating on that history. Unless you had a kid or got an STD from a past lover, such details shouldn't even be discussed. Ever. So when she gave him that info, she set herself up for trouble. Most men and women have enough trouble dealing with the fact that there were other people in their lover's lives, much less know how many. Now that the damage is done, TroubledDude needs to chill. She has a past and you knew that already. It's just that you know how much of a past she had -- and frankly it isn't much compared to most people. She shouldn't have told you and you shouldn't have even entertained the conversation in the first place. But that's done. So keep quiet, take your frustrations out on a punching bag and then learn how to f--k, lick and eat your girl out like no other man has done before you. Being a great lover has a funny way of blocking out her memories of other men.
Cecelius Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 I agree with MUCH of the above -- 7 people at that age is pretty lightweight. However, I dunno if you believe her -- everyone lies. Either she has told you a lower number, or she had some rule about BJs not counting as guys she's been with. It was extremely unwise to ask, but she was bringing it up (I never ask, I just look around and if it looks like there are too many former playmates who get Christmas cards or whatever, I walk). I also agree that you end up looking like a dope if you bring this up as an issue you are uncomfortable with. However, you are perfectly entitled to your view and she honestly may not be the girl for you. Only you can decide that. Yes, there is a number where a girl becomes undatable, because she's not attractive if she has given it out to too many people. No reason to judge her for it but there's no law that says you have to date her either. 2 things you must do, in my opinion. (1) When she talks about her wild days, make a joke about it (call it her "crack ho" days, or all the times she pulled the train at the frat house, etc.) but shut it down. It drives me insane when women want to tell you all the skanky things they have done in life and then scream "but it was the past.." when you actually do think they are skanky. Just shut it down -- you don't give a f@#k what boy did what or when or whatever because it is beneath you. (2) In my opinion, you do not love her because a mature man does not fall in love in 4 months and because if you were, you would be past this. Enjoy what you have with her, but do not assume you are stuck with her emotionally for life.
Tangerina Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 I disagree, 7mack.... you get what you ask for! My BF and I talk about past lovers all of the time because we are both generally ok with it so it is an established pattern... I think there have been times when lines have been crossed a little and someone felt uncomfortable, but generally it is cool.... I am not saying this to say that they should have the same sort of relationship, I am saying that I have this sort of relationship because we both implicitly and explcitly consented to it... it wasn't cool that she talked about her past so much if he obviously wasn't ok with it, but by asking the real number he was conveying to her that it was something that he willingly wanted to talk about.... should she have just refused to answer? that would have had him imagining that it must be in the 1,000s! He asked, you get what you ask for!
Sevenmack Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 "should she have just refused to answer?" It's none of his business in the first place, so she should have never told him. She can tell him that "it's in the past" and let it be. If he didn't accept that answer, that's his problem. Period. Relationships are about the here and now; unless something from the past comes into the relationship such as an ex-boyfriend now on the prowl or something, all those relationships that are past should remain so. This honesty is the best policy thing in relationships can be a tad overrated when it comes to dealing with sexual history. I want my lover to tell me if I'm just a rebound or a real relationship; I definitely want to know if she's had any STDs. I even want to know if she has kids or if she's been raped. Those issues can wreck havoc in the present relationship. But I don't care about her past boyfriends and f--kbuddies; they're in the past because she's no longer seeing them. It's none of my business and my past sex life isn't any of hers. And if you choose to share such details, expect blowback: Sexual history is one of those things that one doesn't necessarily need to rehash in order to have a healthy relationship.
ms_jnj Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 I understand where you are coming from as I am somewhat sexually conservative myself. However, I have to tell you that from talking to alot of women and from web blogs and such, assuming your girlfriend is in her 20s, 7 is not a high number at all. From what I have seen/heard, 10+ is about average, especially if she is in her late 20s. Many people, men and women go a bit crazy during their college years. At least she trusted you enough to tell you the truth about her number...many women lie about it. You may have to just be the bigger person here and accept her number as one of the things about her that you are not so crazy about, but that her other great qualities make up for. However, what would really irritate me would be her constant reference to her past boyfriends. That would make me feel like I was always being compared if a guy did that to me. You should probably sit down with her and say that although you know her exes are a part of her past, you are her present and you'd like it if the both of you could try and live in the present from now on. I bet if she stopped talking about her exes so much her number would bother you far less...
RainyDayWoman Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 he shouldn't have asked her. i doubt if she refused to disclose the info that he would have said "oh well okay. no big deal." it would have caused a problem either way.
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