artistlover Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 can only climax thinking of BF w other women -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I feel so weird. I look at porn and don’t know why. For some reason, I’ve been viewing it everyday in the last week. And I’m also upset b/c I can only orgasm when I think of my boyfriend getting off from other women—usually two girls—that are "gifts" from me --all in my head. What is wrong with me? i could never in real life and would just be crushed. i cried when he told me he fantasized about having two women--but then i go and imagine it. it hurts so much but gets me excited and i don't want it to. Also—I know he likes cute girls in short schoolgirl skirts and pigtails—and I’ve worn that. i want to but I don’t. I’m 31, not 17. I want to be the thing that gets him excited but I feel like I’m too fat and old. i'm insecure and hurting and feel weird-very weird. what is going on?
SuperMonk Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 can only climax thinking of BF w other women -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i'm insecure and hurting and feel weird-very weird. what is going on? That's your answer which you answered yourself.
newbby Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 it makes perfect sense. you have substituted these girls as a gift from you because you feel so insecure and no longer feel he thinks you are attractive. dont worry so mch about this but work on your own self esteem so that you feel attractive whoever he fantasizes about. btw, it is a typical male fantasy that all men have, i'm sure you know this. how is the relationship in other ways, because it is more likely an indication of you feeling insecure in the relationship in general.
Author artistlover Posted December 1, 2005 Author Posted December 1, 2005 Yes-well—the relationship has been great, but rocky. We started dating 2.5 months ago. Since then- we fell in love, but he lost his job and I’ve been looking for a new one. So we find that we are both unstable now—b/c who knows where the jobs will take us. There’s a lot of back and forth about where to go and should we go with each other. So he keeps throwing in disclaimers—like: this may not work out—although I want it to—we may be together. He wants “to tell me everything will be alright, but it just may not be.” And that is how this conversations end. Right. Of course. I know that. But I’m constantly being reminded. I understand, but he’s always including these disclaimers. And these disclaimers just make me feel less and less secure about the future of this relationship and that I’m signing on for some real hurt—b/c in my head—these disclaimers underscore instability. I can accept that things won’t work out—but I don’t want to keep hearing about obstacles and want to hear solutions or nothing at all. I mean, I’ve heard enough about the potential problems and pitfalls. Where are the solutions? I said this to him last night b/c he was going on about it and—you know—I don’t cry that much. I’m an adult and can deal with a lot. But I just started crying and was toying with breaking up. And he knew it. I said—well—if you need to keep reminding me that it may not work out-then maybe you need to go and call me when you stabilize—then we can take it from there. I was like, you already said it plenty of times—I get the picture the first time around—but this constant reminding is starting to make me think you already now the answer and are putting it out there to not feel guilty when or if the “end” comes.
newbby Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 i think that you telling him to go and sort it out and get back to you is a very wise move and perhaps you should take the appropriate actions with this and do nc, let him come back with a more positive attitude. so how did he respond?
Author artistlover Posted December 1, 2005 Author Posted December 1, 2005 Thank you for the response. I will think about it. His response was affectionate. He told me he loved me, many times over—out of the context of saying goodbye—like at the end of a phone call. This was a big step. He seemed scared that I would break up with him. And he seems very scared about the last relationship he was in. He says he trusted her and he had his heart handed to him on a platter. He’s young though and it could be that we are at such different points. I’ve been through enough—well- I don’t want anymore “talking”—I’ve done enough for other people—helped them get through their lives—that it was time for me to be focused on my future or I wouldn’t have one. I brought up the fact that he has mentioned to me a few times the fact that he has said he may leave to move somewhere and that he envisioned going alone. And I said—well there you have it—that is you telling me how you see the future. And he responded to me last night with—“well, no, not necessarily." Then the conversation ends with him saying – “let’s work on solutions.” So I was happy—but then we get back to my place and what I get was fear again over commitment. He said-“what if I want to go away with a friend for a week?—and I just go.” I said that depends. Like with an ex? And he says “no—just with a friend—a buddy.” I said “why is that even a concern? Why would I care? I’m an artist. I retreat into the studio for weeks on end.” He thinks I’ll flip out b/c his last girlfriend was so controlling. He also said that he wants to travel to a new place—and then when he goes—he doesn’t know if he’ll want to stay—then he may go somewhere else—that he just wants to be honest with me. That the longer he stays with me—the longer he feels he’s making some sort of promise to me that he may bail on. And just hearing this in my head—as I write makes me mad. But we ended things on a good note. He said he loved me again and had wonderful sex. He’s just scared. But I feel like it’s not me. He’s just scared—it could be fear with anyone. What to do….? I want to be open, flexible and understanding—b/c I understand the desire to change ones life and start over and to see the world. But I don’t know what to do with all of this future talk the ends in potential heartache more then potential fulfillment. I’m just looking for my best friend. I’ve never imagined a wedding or over the top silliness—I just wanted to find my baby, my soulmate—partner—mutual laugh partner who would see the world with me—help me grow—and vice versa—but I don’t know—I feel at fault for wanting that. I don’t know if its him. It’s only 2.5 months. i thought, maybe, it could but who knows. it's too early. Now its becoming less an option. and my ego is getting bruised. like why wouldn't he do whatever the hell he could to be with me. i'm AMAZING. I said we should chill out about all this talk. He’s wondering if he’s an ***hole. Is he? I don’t know. He also said knows we are good for each other. That he laughs around me and feels better when we are together. and i love him! he's great--good conversationalist--makes me think--has similar interests--cuddly--greta in bed--he says the same about me too---Later he launches into how he is a flake and moody—that I am “disheveled” but that I have it together and that’s intimidating—then he said maybe he should be a man and commit to something.... this is mixed signals right? also what are the benefits of NC?
newbby Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 right, i see. well you are right in that it wouldnt matter who he was with, these are his issues and i think it sounds as though you are handling them with maturity and understanding. well i think perhaps rather than actually end things with him, perhaps to reassure him that what comes in the futre comes in the future but you dont have to be neccessarily living the what ifs in the present. tell him you have no problems with what may be ruined in the future but to stop ruining the present. when you spend time with him, stand firm with this, if he begins talking about what he may or may not do in the future, either play him at his own game, just to lighten the situation, or tell him that you dont want to talk about the future and you have things that you want to do right now, and go and do them, leaving him alone with his what ifs. he will soon see that what ifs and worryings keep him alone. it also leads a good example of how to just be, in the moment. this is just my opinion. nc works in alot of situations, but im not sure if it would work in this one simply because he would miss you and come back to you, but then would further panic because you had stated to only come back with committment in mind, which is what nc is really for.
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