I just don't understand him? NEED ADVICE!!!!!!!!!!

[Kisar]

Many of you know my story...pregnant abandoned by cheating husband...already have one child. Believe me when I tell you that I am trying to cope. I have some very difficult days though...like today.

 

I am really interested in the perspective of the male cheater. My husband claims that we had problems but most of the problems were caused by him, for example all the weekends he spent away without me...was I suppose to be happy when he returned? He never bought me a pin, he never showed me that he appreciated me...never helped me...and still I cared for him.

 

My husband admitted to cheating in the past, but never wanted to work on it...or help me work through it. I am just so curious as to whether men make excuses in order to leave the relationship or if they truly feel like they need to leave...it just seems as though we have been through so much by his own doing and I have tied to forgive him and work on it, but on top of it all he is the one to leave and basically **** on top of my head.

 

We have spent nearly ten years together…how can he just walk out of my life? How come he can stop caring and I can’t? Furthermore he is the one who initiated the no contact …how is that possible when we have a child + one on the way? How is it so easy for a man to walk away from his own children? He has not given us money…called his daughter to say hello…what is going on. He admits to being a coward for doing these things but it almost seems like a cop out. He says that if what he is doing is wrong then he will have to pay the price later.

 

I need encouragement…I need for someone to tell me to not call him. At our last conversation…he said well if you want me to see or speak to my daughter, you call me when you are ready. Is that even right? I want to be strong and not call him, but when I did into my heart is says call him…maybe you can bring back all those feelings he is not able to recognize, the feelings of love and togetherness with his family that he seemed to like at least sometimes.

 

I am sorry if I am blabbering…but man, I am just walking around like a zombie trying to cope. Help me…need some concrete advice.

[In Sync]

First, you and your children come first. TOP PRIORITY.

 

Second, he's a loser. Not a good role model for your children. Think of them first. AND if he's a poor role model for your kids...uh why do you need him as a man in your life? What exactly is he providing, certainly no support, especially emotionally.

 

Third. Get a lawyer and get advice about visitation with the children. This is being smart and using your head here. Maintain NC. This is not some high-school romantic breakup, we're talking about your children's future.

 

Maintain your strength and dignity. That's what your children will learn from you. If it means cutting him loose hey, they come first. You will find a man again and hopefully someone who respects and loves you and your children.

[airforcemama]

well first off i would like to say that if i ever met this husband of yours, i would probably punch him in his face..anyhow, lets concentrate on you because that is what is most important. there is no easy way of coping with such things..you have to be ready to get over it and willing..if you arent willing to get over him then it will not work..first step is to realize that the world is still turning,you are still breathing air into your lungs and your heart is still pumping blood..this means that the world has not come to an end!!sitting around at home and doing poorly at work or whereever is normal but you can get yourself out of it..do things that once made you happy or you found pleasure in doing..even if you feel as if you dont want to..do it!! it will help you eventually..remember that you are a person just like him or me..you have th right to show emotions in anyway you please..i think he said you should call himwhen you are ready for hm to see your daughter so that you have time to get ahold of yourself and to recover without him coming back in your life and ruining your recovery. dont even worry about why he said this and why he did the things he did..he did them and it was his decision only..you will never be able to tke it back or change his mind about anything..no matter what you say or do..all you can do is show how strong you have become and it is going to feel so good when you see him again and you can give him the cold shoulder..i dont understand men that cheat..i guess it is in theyre nature somehow..but i do know that it is one of the most selfish things to do ever because you can stop yourself from doing it..and plus you are hurting a persons feelings that you promised to take care of and never hurt..so you know what, he is right, one day he will pay the price for what he did..and maybe even worse because he didnt only hurt you but his children aswell..dont call him until you have recovered..live your life and instead of waking up in the morning and feeling sad or wondering if you should call him, wake up and think of your beautiful children..and how blessed you are to have them and to be able to recognize this through all the pain you have been delt with!

 

 

 

 

Many of you know my story...pregnant abandoned by cheating husband...already have one child. Believe me when I tell you that I am trying to cope. I have some very difficult days though...like today.

 

I am really interested in the perspective of the male cheater. My husband claims that we had problems but most of the problems were caused by him, for example all the weekends he spent away without me...was I suppose to be happy when he returned? He never bought me a pin, he never showed me that he appreciated me...never helped me...and still I cared for him.

 

My husband admitted to cheating in the past, but never wanted to work on it...or help me work through it. I am just so curious as to whether men make excuses in order to leave the relationship or if they truly feel like they need to leave...it just seems as though we have been through so much by his own doing and I have tied to forgive him and work on it, but on top of it all he is the one to leave and basically **** on top of my head.

 

We have spent nearly ten years together…how can he just walk out of my life? How come he can stop caring and I can’t? Furthermore he is the one who initiated the no contact …how is that possible when we have a child + one on the way? How is it so easy for a man to walk away from his own children? He has not given us money…called his daughter to say hello…what is going on. He admits to being a coward for doing these things but it almost seems like a cop out. He says that if what he is doing is wrong then he will have to pay the price later.

 

I need encouragement…I need for someone to tell me to not call him. At our last conversation…he said well if you want me to see or speak to my daughter, you call me when you are ready. Is that even right? I want to be strong and not call him, but when I did into my heart is says call him…maybe you can bring back all those feelings he is not able to recognize, the feelings of love and togetherness with his family that he seemed to like at least sometimes.

 

I am sorry if I am blabbering…but man, I am just walking around like a zombie trying to cope. Help me…need some concrete advice.

[bigbrowneyes]

Hi Kisar,

 

I'm new to this forum so unfortunately I'm not too familiar with your specific story but based on what you provided on this post I have an idea. I wanted to respond to you because you seem to be having a difficult morning.

 

I think that no contact with your soon to be X is the best thing you can do for yourself, you child, and more importantly your unborn child. You need to keep the stress in your life to a minimum. You don't want to jeopardize your health or your baby's health. I know what you're going through is hard enough under “normal” conditions but the added fluctuation of your hormones due to pregnancy can make it even more challenging.

 

I can guarantee you that while life will not be easy as a single mother, it will be rewarding and you will survive. I’ve been doing this for 16 years. I decided to leave my husband because he was both physically and emotionally abusive. Our marriage of 7 years included infidelity and many other issues with substance abuse on my x-husbands part. I finally took a stand and left him 16 years ago when my boys were 5 years old and 6 months old.

 

My X did not care one bit about his boys (although he was not a good father when we were together). He never called, acknowledged special occasions, attended important school activities, or paid child support. He only included the boys in his life when it was convenient for him and as a result, the boys lived on an emotional rollercoaster of disappointment where their dad was concerned.

 

My boys and I lived in poverty for years but God always provided and things did improve financially. More importantly, every breathe I took was directed by the knowledge that my fundamental purpose in life is to raise my boys to be loving, caring, responsible men who demonstrate integrity and honor in their life values.

 

Always remember that the best revenge in life is living well. So my advice to you is to focus on the wonderful thing that God has given you and that is your two children. You can make this a wonderful life even though you’ve had a rocky start. Be a good model to your children. Show them that we define how people treat us. Be strong and don’t settle for anything less than you want for both you and your children. Joel Osteen tells us to focus on our goals and have the attitude that I’m not going to settle for a little love and joy, a bit of peace and contentment, or for a small helping of happiness. No, I’m going to reach my full potential and I’m going to start living my BEST life now! I assure you that God will richly bless you.

 

My boys have nothing but love and respect in their heart for me and they constantly tell me how grateful they are for making the decision I made 16 years ago and giving them an opportunity to live life happier without their dad than mediocre with their dad. While we currently live pay check to pay check, my boys learned that pulling together and supporting each other during life’s difficult moments are most important. I’m proud to be their mom and I am most confident that they will be awesome partners to their wives someday as they already demonstrate this in their current relationships.

 

Sometimes when we are in the midst of life’s most difficult moments we forget that life is good. Wow, did I just say all this positive stuff? I’m really feeling down today myself. Thanks for helping me feel better Kisar! We’re all here for you when you need an ear. Live good today and stay positive!