Arg, how should I handle the current situation?

[Roarz]

Recap: I'm 19, she's 18...dated for 2 years. 2nd year I was in college and she was in HS. Went back every single weekend to see her (hour drive), had a great relationship, no probs at all. She's is/was (hell if I know now) a typical good girl. She's the type that won't have sex before marriage no matter what (got to everything else though =)) and had some pretty strict parents. She gets to college, joins a sorority, meets a zillion million people, and a month later, bam, breakup with me because "lost the spark, I'm a different person now, we arn't the same religion" blah blah a ton of different reasons, without any warning that something was wrong.

 

I'm not really too bitter about what happened now. I can respect people can change and all that and devotion really doesn't really guaruntee you anything. The only thing I have suspicions about is she began to date another guy 1 week after she broke up with me, who she met through one of her classes. Now I don't know if it was falling for this third party that made her feel this way and I'll probably never know. She says it didn't have anything to do with that but you know how it is trusting an ex. Doesn't matter anyway since the guy dumped her after the 1st date via voicemail (guess karma can help out in some cases).

 

I'm sure you all remember some of my other posts, and the general consensus was NC...but I found that insanely hard to do. We were best friends before the relationship, and I feel like I'm getting over it ok (my insane want is slowly turning into some big time hate for the about to be mentioned reasons) and she wanted to be friends again just like before and I was said ok, I'll give it a shot. I went through a few episodes of lashing out at her (natural I guess), but always apologized. Since then (a month) we haven't really hung out at all...the last time was we had dinner 2 weeks ago (she initiated) and talked about things. Her personality has done a complete 180. Whereas a month before she stopped being friends with a girl just because she made out with some guy and said she'd never get drunk. Well of course now she's a "big party girl", citing that lust is now ok with her (because she only really misses kissing, and wouldn't mind making out with someone random, as long as "she knew them") and listed every single drink she had that friday night as if it was a big accomplishment .

 

Anyways, now that the personality change is put into perspective, I've found that I don't feel like she is treating me much like a friend...more like a pity friend than anything else. She has never invited me to meet any of her new friends, despite me repeatedly asking to so that it could be like old times with the same friend circle and all that. When I asked her why, she stated that "She's so busy with school and sorority, she doesn't have any time for any friends, not just me". Of course, a few days later in a convo online "I just got done watching a movie with some people...gtg, meeting some friends". Yeah, real busy (I'm starting to like the eye roll face =)). Now I know you think this is irrational, acting like she has to spend time with me when we're no longer together. The thing is, I never initiate anything. When we talk, she does first. When we hang out (rare), it's always just us 2 and she starts it. I've only ever asked once (because I felt like I should also try if we were to be mutual friends) and got met with "Too busy this weekend with work". She doesn't seem like she wants me in her life, so I try to keep NC by never starting a conversation, but she always does first every few days, but it usually never leads to more, despite her "mssing me" and still wanting to be best friends, so it's kind of a mixed signal deal.

 

So, I guess the point of this long post is I'm trying to decide if I'd be right in just telling her off and stop calling me friend until she can treat me the same as she treats anyone else. I get the feeling that she's either embarassed for me to meet her friends, or thinks it will hinder her chances with future guys or something like that, since she always keeps meetings to us 2, and that makes me feel pretty crappy, like I'm a last resort friend, good for when there's none of her new group to hang out with. But everytime I bring it up I always get made out to be the bad guy, and doing nothing just leads to the same quasi-friendship limbo. I still want to be friends just for the sake that she really was my best friend before the relationship, but it feels kind of like a 1 way friendship. Reason I wrote for advice is I've let my emotions build up about her (usually for no real good reason) and then lash out before, and don't want this to be the same kind of uncalled for thing. What do you guys think? Am I being selfish and needy or not? I'm thinking straight up NC is the only way to stop this bull**** (which it really is IMO), but like I said, I'm not good at knowing when my emotions are clouding me and when they arn't.

[fatcat]

Forget This Bitch And Move On To Greener Pastures. I Mean

What The Hell Is This Crap From Her? You Obviously Loved Her

...so Screw This Hag, There's More Where This Came From...and Enjoy Life, Youre Young & Unattached!!!!

[meltwithme]

Listen closely, if she still wants to talk you have a chance. But not right now. You have to accept that before any of what I'm about to say will do you any good.

Again: you have no chance right now, if you did she wouldn't act like she is.Possibly later but only if you follow this advice to a tee:

 

Don't say anything, don't talk to her AT ALL anymore.

You must pretend like she doesn't exist on the earth.

Don't tell her you are going to stop talking either, just ignore her from this day forward.

It seems like dumbest thing in the world to do because you want to show her how much you love her and how much she means to you but, please please just trust me, if you want another chance with her later you must stop the contact before she does. If you don't, she eventually will and it will be much much worse and prob over for good.

[Roarz]

Well, it took so long for advice for this that the other day I finally just told her what was up and that if she wanted to be friends then she'd act like it. And she finally admitted that she had pushed me out of her life, and she was a bad friend, blah blah guilt trip bs. But then suddenly she invited me to eat in the cafeteria for dinner, so I accepted (I guess everyone deserves a 2nd chance, else I am just stupid and keep begging for more hurt) and it was pretty good. No awkwardness or nothing. Then she offered to drive me back to my dorm. And then we proceeded to talk for an entire hour in her car parked right outside my dorm. Nothing serious or relationship type things (except that "she didn't want a bf right now and liked being independant") and invited to take me to one of her friend's parties right before Christmas (still debating on that). She also seemed to care a LOT about whether or not I thought she was a bad person for doing what she does now (asked me no less than 3 times in an hour). Then finally I told her I had to go back to do some HW and she acted geniunely sad to see me go ("Aww, do you have to?" [but of course I am looking at everything with skepticism now]). Obviously this whole change could be just from guilt and not from actual want, it's hard to tell.

 

So anyway, I guess things are "Ok" now. But of course I still want her back, I just never show it. It was especially true today when I was going to get lunch and she and some guy were also getting theirs. She walked right past me without saying a word (and I am pretty sure it was damn near impossible not to have seen it was me) and thus I spoke up and just got "Oh hey, I didn't even see you there. How's it going?" and nothing else. It hurt a little to see her eating with someone else, even if it was just friends.

 

So now I'm just really confused on what to do...if I do the ignore thing NOW, it'll definately make me look like a jackass. So I guess my best course of action is to just go with it and see how it turns out? And btw...I guess I am just kind of missing something here, but how does ignore work in your favor if you have a chance? If you ignore won't they just eventually forget you or just have a bad image of you from then on? Wouldn't you want to remind them everyday of just how good you are? And, if I have no chance right now, then how will the chance ever arise if we are no longer in touch? Love is too co

[meltwithme]

I'll try to translate her actions and clear things up, it's going to be hard to understand right now but I've just gone through this and anyone else who has will tell you the same. I might get harsh but it's for your own good.

Nothing serious or relationship type things (except that "she didn't want a bf right now and liked being independant")

Translation: Shes lieng, she wants a boyfriend, she just doesn't want you as her boyfriend.

 

and invited to take me to one of her friend's parties right before Christmas (still debating on that). [/Quote]

Don't go.

 

She also seemed to care a LOT about whether or not I thought she was a bad person for doing what she does now (asked me no less than 3 times in an hour).

She's trying to rid herself of the guilt by letting you re-assure her that shes not.

 

It was especially true today when I was going to get lunch and she and some guy were also getting theirs. It hurt a little to see her eating with someone else, even if it was just friends.

It's probably more than that, it will hurt worse if you stick around to find out she's doin the hibbity with him.

 

So now I'm just really confused on what to do...if I do the ignore thing NOW, it'll definately make me look like a jackass.

No. It will make you look like you don't need her, even though you think you do. Fake it till you make it.

 

So I guess my best course of action is to just go with it and see how it turns out?

NO this is a course for disaster.

 

how does ignore work in your favor if you have a chance?

One more time: YOU DON'T

 

If you ignore won't they just eventually forget you or just have a bad image of you from then on?

I thought this to, but I've talked to girls who broke up with their bf's and they don't forget you or the good times the only bad image you can give them is if you become that ex who won't go away, you are now an ex, start acting like one.

 

Wouldn't you want to remind them everyday of just how good you are?

Because she doesn't think your that great or she would be with you, if you try to remind her everyday she will think your insecure and desperate.

 

And, if I have no chance right now, then how will the chance ever arise if we are no longer in touch? Love is too co

Because the only chance you do have is to be gone from her life for good and let her miss you, you can't change her mind or anything that happened so don't try. I can tell you another chance won't happen if you do stick around, I can't promise ignoring her will get you another chance but atleast if you don't get one it wouldn't hurt nearly as bad and you will already be on the long road to getting over it.

One more thing: Go tonight and rent the movie "Swingers"

[Roarz]

Haha, I only said chance because in your earlier reply you said I had a chance if she kept talking to me. What you said, even though harsh, was the truth. I just have such a hard time believing it. I go into a denial stage after a while of thinking about it because I don't want to think that someone I was that close to could suddenly just drop me from her life. You don't even have to tell me that the only reason she now wants to do things together is not because she wants to, but so she doesn't look like a heartless bitch to everyone. I know NC is best and before I had trouble sticking to it because it was so close to when it happened but now that it's farther along I feel more able to stick with it.

 

How do I start tactfully now that I've raised a big thing about being friends and such? It would be easy if her usual ignoring me continued (who knows, it still might) but now I think she'll just keep contacting to not look like a bitch. I know blocking on AIM + ignoring calls is a good way to start, but during the christmas break she'll be far from her friends and will no doubt contact me constantly. I guess it's hard to explain...I mean, going from how I was last night (perfectly normal, happy, things seemed perfect) to just straight up nothing will just definately seem weird and schizophrenic. How do I gracefully retract from this situation without saying anything?