Tangerina Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 Ok, things are generally going really really well with my boyfriend... we are great for each other, adore each other etc... and we tell each other this and both feel pretty good... we talk about the future and he is actually usually the one to bring things up "I wish we could live together some day" etc... but every once in a while it comes up that he is really scared of no longer being single... we got drunk the other night and I was saying how crappy it made me feel that my ex would try to get as much action and attention from other girls as he could without actually cheating on me... and my BF said he could kind of understand where he was coming from... and I said "do you really think my ex was justified in treating me like that" and he said "no, but since it was his first serious relationship it must have been hard not to want to explore" so I asked him if he still missed being single and he said yes and that it scared him sometimes, but that he was totally happy with me and I am the first girl he has ever felt he could settle down with (he has been in serious relationships before and has dated a lot).... I told him that it scared me that he missed it sometimes, but that I understood and I really wanted to make sure that he was with me because he really wanted to be, not because he had convinced himself that I was a perfect match off of some checklist or something... I told him about how my ex had started to resent me because he wanted to be single but also wanted to be with me and so he started to blame me for holding him back... I told my BF I never wanted this to happen with him and he said he felt that way a little bit sometimes, but he also knows how much he loves me and how lucky he is to have me... This was all a drunken conversation, I think I started crying at some point and he got really sad that he had made me cry and then we ind of passed out.... we were woken up a few hours later by some people who wanted to play pool and listen to Ludacris (yikes, at 6 am?) and since we had sobered up we drove home and went back to sleep... as we were drifting off he said "I wouldn't trade you for 1,000,000 dollars." We have talked about this issue maybe 3 times in the 5 months we have been together... it isn't a huge issue, we both feel happy, but I think we are both afraid in our own ways of it getting in the way... as I said in my post, I had similar issues with my ex... do all men get like this in their teens and 20's? Do they keep on feeling like this when they are old and married? Do they never really get over it and only put it aside to be with the woman they love? I am really curious to hear other people's experiences with these and similar issues....
Author Tangerina Posted November 29, 2005 Author Posted November 29, 2005 PS he is not generallly commitment-phobic... he was the one who asked me out, asked me to be in a serious relationship, said I love you first, always is the first to bring up the future, he was the one who got the idea that we should go to grad school together.... etc... he is basically crazy about me, but I think he knows just how crazy for me he is and he is scared that he won't ever be able to let go and he will want to marry me and then he gets scared because that means that he has already arrived at his destination... I tell him that even though I am more of a LTR girl than a dating girl, I am not thinking about marriage... the point for me is to develop meaningful connections and working on it and nurturing it and seeing where it goes... yes, I love him today, will probably love him tomorrow, and can even imagine loving him next summer or for ears after that.... but right now things are working out great and if they keep working out great then there is no reason to split... if they stop working then it ends, no need to worry so much now about what might or might not happen if he is happy right now!!!!!
LN8840K Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 20's afraid being married 30's afraid to be single let you know about the 40's
Author Tangerina Posted November 29, 2005 Author Posted November 29, 2005 haha, good, concise answer:)
witabix Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 .... but right now things are working out great and if they keep working out great then there is no reason to split... if they stop working then it ends, no need to worry so much now about what might or might not happen if he is happy right now!!!!! I think you have inadvertantly answered your own question. Your opinion above is cool, for a it'll do for now relationship. But thats not a long haul thought process, maybe you have communicated this to him in some way?
Author Tangerina Posted November 29, 2005 Author Posted November 29, 2005 Hmmm, you could be right, though I think he understands that what I mean is that it is far too early in the relationship for him to be worrying about never being single again... he knows that I feel I could go really long term with him too, we even idley talk about marriage (we are pretty good together!) but we have only been together 5 months and I just think now is the time to build the relationship, not worry about future problems.... so I think we are both more afraid that he would give up a good relationship to be single again because it is attractive for whatever reason.... or start to sabatoge or resent the relationship on account of percieved lost freedom....
witabix Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 ".... so I think we are both more afraid that he would give up a good relationship to be single again because it is attractive for whatever reason.... or start to sabatoge or resent the relationship on account of percieved lost freedom...." Ahh yes, its called cold feet I think. Maybe thats what is going on. Perhaps a five month relationship is still in its "finding its way" phase? Its sounds good by what you say, relax and enjoy finding out what will happen.
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