dprelz Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 Instead of thinking your ex was the devil in a human body that completely ruined your life and was a total manipulative jerk, etc, etc. Look at it this way: The memories you had were real. The love you had was real. There is no way they purposely set out to hurt you or ruin your life. They just realized before you that the relationship will not work out in the end. They were unhappy. Most, felt so ashamed and cared for YOU so much that they hid it and faked it for so long until they couldn't bear. The reason you feel so strong about them is because that person you fell in love with was still there. But for them, it was different. Instead of hating them for doing this, realize how hard it was. They had to look into your eyes and tell you this bad news and will probably feel like complete and utter crap because they will blame it on themselves. In reality, you guys just weren’t compatible enough and your life will most probably be better off with someone new. You won't know this now because you can't see it through all this pain. Quit analyzing emails, msn conversations and text messages. If they truly wanted you back, they would do all that stupid stuff you've been doing. They know how to contact you and will explicitly ask to reconcile. Just like you probably explicitly asked for them back. Give them space, give them freedom, and show your strength by letting go. And hey guess what? If you are truly meant to be, you will be together. In the meantime, show them how strong you are, don't make them feel guilty and don't blame them for something that is definitely not in their control. Realize this is for the best at this point in your lives, and never discount your memories. They loved you, they never ever wanted it to turn out like this. Even though you can't see it now, respect and trust them enough to understand they probably made the right decision (at least for this point in your lives). I guess what I'm saying is don't make it harder on yourself. It's not going to end your life, you still have many years ahead of you and it could include them if it's meant to. Let her go and be strong, everyone is attracted to a strong person. As much as it hurts me to go no contact, I know that is the only way. Be strong and don't torture yourself like I have been doing!
ReluctantRomeo Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 Good advice. Not easy to take all of it when you've just broken up, but good.
trickynj99 Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 dprelz... wow great stuff...but the last line there...you said it all because its easier said than done.. i mean pick your poison ...did i lose a great love??? that is a terrible thing, or did i never really have the love i thought was there??? did she really love me or did she love the idea of being married and being in love??? i'll never know.. i do know she is hurting bad and so am i..i don't want to hurt her.. i am hurting real bad too, and as you say maybe she doesnt want to hurt me either.. lately i have been wondering about how i feel for the first time...maybe ending this is for the best and all this mess is caused by me unrealisitically holding on to something that is long gone or was never there it's like a big vicious unending circle...
JS17 Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 Holy crap! And I thought I was full of idealistic BS It was a pretty read though.
omegaRED Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 Ummm. Yeah... Nice. But for god`s sake, it really, really makes it f**king harder to move on. We need time to be angry, and sometimes even demonize our exs. Not bloody helpful if you`re in pain atm. I believe everyone has to go through all the stages of grieving, and we all eventually will come to think like that. But this is not the type of advice i`d like to hear atm. I know you`re right, but right now i`d rather NOT be thanking my ex. I`ll do that WHEN something better happens to me.
Author dprelz Posted November 29, 2005 Author Posted November 29, 2005 I know it might not make sense for some of you, but maybe it could help some understand.. I just can't find it in me to hate someone who gave me so much. If she was really such a horrible person what does that say about me that I fell in love with her? It shows I had no judgement and I loved a horrible person? I don't think so. It's so hard for some of us because there are so many questions and no answers. We have control over so many things but love is not one of them. Just like you tricky, I ask myself the same damn questions and It gets me nowhere. I just trap myself in some ciricular logic of suffering and torture. This is the only escape, is to let go and realize that even though I can't even remotely see it, this has to be for the best. It's like blind faith that together you are making the right decision to just let go and move on so you can both be truly happy.
Outcast Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 Some people are capable of logical reflection and analysis of the situations they are in pretty quickly. Others respond first with emotion and, one hopes, eventually manage to make it to the logical reflection and analysis stage.
JS17 Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 We all do what we need to in order to get through tough times. Whatever works for you is the right thing to do. Good Luck
trickynj99 Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 i get to the point of saying to myself...that's it...i want out and its best to end it this way...then i find myself thinking about how to get her back and then the other way around.. kids (we have 2) make it even more complicated. in the end, i am working to gain control of my own emotions..makes sense because i can't control how she feels and what she wants.. seems like your original post is just that, putting it out there how you are dealing with it...its all anybody can do.
In Sync Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 I just can't find it in me to hate someone who gave me so much. If she was really such a horrible person what does that say about me that I fell in love with her? It shows I had no judgement and I loved a horrible person? I don't think so. I don't think any of us hate the person we were with. And though your point is well made, I think you are also not comprehending why so many of us are "analyzing" the relationship we had again and again. It's our way of processing and coming to terms with a significant part of our lives that has come to an end unexpectedly. Despite all the red flags... we denied the signs. Some of us here have had relationships where there was mistreatment, hurt feelings, and the ending was devastating and that colors the beautiful memories that one should be left with. So it's not so easy to just put the memories of someone you loved in a pretty little box and say he/she was someone I loved and I wish them well. We are simply processing what we went through. There's something to be said for how the human mind grapples and reflects on the past in aiding the healing.
omegaRED Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 I know my ex gave me the best 2 years of my life (so far), the greatest memories, the greatest time of my life. The point being that i do not want to think that she was the best thing in my life. TBH i really can`t find a flaw in the way she was with me while we were together. But if i think about it constantly, i won`t be able to atleast "fool myself" that something better is coming my way. Who knows. Maybe i`m talking krap here. But i`m not ready to think that that was the best thing i had or will ever have. That`s really defeating.
confused696969 Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 [ It's like blind faith that together you are making the right decision to just let go and move on so you can both be truly happy. I was truly happy with her, now i am utterly depressed without her, nothing seems to get me out of this depression, friends help for the time, but not the time when i am alone and all i think about is her. Ive gone through my angry phase a couple of times, and needed it....and i can totally see where your coming from with your whole post, but i just cant see it now. NC is so tough, it keeps getting broken and she asked if she could call me still and i said no, i need NC but i know that it will break again, it has to, when i talk to her i become so happy again, but then a few days or week after i am like this again. But at the the time the happiness makes breaking NC worth it.
Author dprelz Posted November 29, 2005 Author Posted November 29, 2005 You know what's kinda funny.. if I didn't know that was me who posted that, I would be replying with the same stuff you guys are replying with. Meaning, I don't see it either, and I don't see how no contact and something that hurts sooo much could possibly be for the better. My life is terrible without her and I know it. But I mean really, honestly now, what can you do? Continue to try and get her back and look like a complete fool and be hurt in the process or TRY to move on and see what the future holds. Let me tell you, I tried the first idea for a long time before I realized I was just sinking in a quick sand of hurt and sorrow, regret, guilt, depression, and whatever else you think of. On to number two, first stop is no-contactiville
jayteresa Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 I wish I were as strong as you, hopefully one day I will be!
scobro Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 did she really love me or did she love the idea of being married and being in love??? I thought I was the only guy on the planet who thought this.In my case it was my wifes third marriage so I really had to contemplate this a lot.
Apathygrip Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 "we were luck to have loved someone that hurt so much to let go" ??????
sick of it Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 So what do you do after youve made a fool of yourself for 6 months. youve fought over it, youve cried, youve yelled, youve begged. shes with someone else while youre doing this. all because you care for this person. you still do. what if now you start to realize how stupid it was to do all of it. you didnt realize it because youre in the thick fog of emotion. how do you explain it. how do you apologize. should you apologize, after all they broke up with you. is a future relationship of any kind ruined because of how things were handled? have you shown them that this is the kind of person you are (though youre not). they havent gone through anything like this, so how do you explain it to them with sounding more like an idiot? can anyone answer any of these questions?
omegaRED Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 You don`t appologize. I know how it is on both sides of the fence. I broke up with my former ex, she too was devastated. I really didn`t want to inflict that pain. Then, i might have thought "God she`s pushing me, why doesn`t she stop". (Mind you, i didn`t play tricks, i didn`t give her false hope, nothing. The cold hard truth). Now, i can see what she went through (and a bit worse, since my current ex cheated, led me on, gave me false hope and didn`t even have the guts to tell me the truth). I had to find out for myself the reasons for the break up. Basically, what i`m saying is you don`t need to appologize. If they went through a heart break before, they`ll know what it is like, and they`ll know that that isn`t you. If they haven`t, they`ll learn, trust me. At some point in life, they`re gonna have their hearts broken, and ONLY THEN will they understand you and your actions and behaviours.
In Sync Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 You don`t appologize. I know how it is on both sides of the fence. I broke up with my former ex, she too was devastated. I really didn`t want to inflict that pain. Then, i might have thought "God she`s pushing me, why doesn`t she stop". (Mind you, i didn`t play tricks, i didn`t give her false hope, nothing. The cold hard truth). Now, i can see what she went through (and a bit worse, since my current ex cheated, led me on, gave me false hope and didn`t even have the guts to tell me the truth). I had to find out for myself the reasons for the break up. Basically, what i`m saying is you don`t need to appologize. If they went through a heart break before, they`ll know what it is like, and they`ll know that that isn`t you. If they haven`t, they`ll learn, trust me. At some point in life, they`re gonna have their hearts broken, and ONLY THEN will they understand you and your actions and behaviours. Gee, I had that thought too once about should I apologize? There was this one moment I was completely distraught after he ended it..though I never cursed him or said anything out of anger, I just felt ..well a bit guilty for crying hysterically perhaps making him feel uncomfortable. On hindsight you are right...surely he would or should understand...
omegaRED Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 Absolutely. If they`re not complete a**holes. I mean, if you did something out of line, drastic, then appologize. But for being distraught, crying etc? No way! (Heck, i was a complete mess when my ex broke up with me. I cried like a wee little girl hehe, lost my dignity etc). Am i gonna appologize? HELL NO! She knows what i`m like. She knows that wasn`t me there and then. And even if she doesn`t, who gives a f**k. She can choose what she wants to remember, either me treating her like a princess, being there for her and being completely honest, loyal and caring from day one, or the picture of me when she ripped out my heart, smashed it into the ground, burned it and stepped on it. Her choice.
trickynj99 Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 scobro we've posted before man and i know my love for her was true..i also know i did a crappy job giving love and she honestly did a bad job recieving it...classic bad communication... now that we are in this boat...i have been really floundering with that question and in the down parts of the rollercoaster i have a real problem dealing with the thought that she never really Loved me, she used me its funny..its the exact opposite of what she says... she says///i love you ...but i'm not in love with you... she means...i was madly in love with at first ...but now i dont feel that way anymore and i dont care about the commitments we made, and i dont want to honor our partnership by working together to fix whats wrong(ie choose to love you)
airforcemama Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 dprezl..i absoutely admire you..all of us here have just gotten out of a relationship or something similar..some of us want sympathy,some of us want advice that we want to hear..but your advice is the naked truth..it hurts to read what you say because its the truth but its the hardest..when people are heartbroken they look for anything to soothe the pain but what they dont realize is that they need to confront themselves..i rather feel alot of pain for a short period of time than to feel pain forever!! whoever you are, you must be an amazing person and stay strong because you are!! airforcemama I know it might not make sense for some of you, but maybe it could help some understand.. I just can't find it in me to hate someone who gave me so much. If she was really such a horrible person what does that say about me that I fell in love with her? It shows I had no judgement and I loved a horrible person? I don't think so. It's so hard for some of us because there are so many questions and no answers. We have control over so many things but love is not one of them. Just like you tricky, I ask myself the same damn questions and It gets me nowhere. I just trap myself in some ciricular logic of suffering and torture. This is the only escape, is to let go and realize that even though I can't even remotely see it, this has to be for the best. It's like blind faith that together you are making the right decision to just let go and move on so you can both be truly happy.
Tiny Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 Instead of thinking your ex was the devil in a human body that completely ruined your life and was a total manipulative jerk, etc, etc. Look at it this way: The memories you had were real. The love you had was real. There is no way they purposely set out to hurt you or ruin your life. They just realized before you that the relationship will not work out in the end. They were unhappy. Most, felt so ashamed and cared for YOU so much that they hid it and faked it for so long until they couldn't bear. The reason you feel so strong about them is because that person you fell in love with was still there. But for them, it was different. Instead of hating them for doing this, realize how hard it was. They had to look into your eyes and tell you this bad news and will probably feel like complete and utter crap because they will blame it on themselves. In reality, you guys just weren’t compatible enough and your life will most probably be better off with someone new. You won't know this now because you can't see it through all this pain. Quit analyzing emails, msn conversations and text messages. If they truly wanted you back, they would do all that stupid stuff you've been doing. They know how to contact you and will explicitly ask to reconcile. Just like you probably explicitly asked for them back. Give them space, give them freedom, and show your strength by letting go. And hey guess what? If you are truly meant to be, you will be together. In the meantime, show them how strong you are, don't make them feel guilty and don't blame them for something that is definitely not in their control. Realize this is for the best at this point in your lives, and never discount your memories. They loved you, they never ever wanted it to turn out like this. Even though you can't see it now, respect and trust them enough to understand they probably made the right decision (at least for this point in your lives). I guess what I'm saying is don't make it harder on yourself. It's not going to end your life, you still have many years ahead of you and it could include them if it's meant to. Let her go and be strong, everyone is attracted to a strong person. As much as it hurts me to go no contact, I know that is the only way. Be strong and don't torture yourself like I have been doing! Yes this post does make a lot of sense, but there again if the "hurt" they may feel toward our feelings had been a little stronger, they may have been able to be stronger themselves, and finished there relationship, before starting another and blowing our worlds apart. If for no other reason than to preserve our sanity and be honourable to there commitment to us.
sick of it Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 ive fallen into the trap of believeing everything ym ex says. after all, she broke up with me. i always thought i was good to her, understanding, compassionate, put up with a lot of her neediness. i always seemed to make her happy, feel better, laugh. i know ive made mistakes, everyone does. we were togetehr for 5.5 years. and it was my first relationship, through college, first everything with her. yes i made mistakes. she did too. i forgot them though. i forgave them. i know she didnt do anyhting to intentionally hurt me. thats why its forgiven. its when someone does it on purpose with the intent to hurt that is unforgivable. ive fallen into the trap of belieing how horrible i was to her. how inever listened. how i didnt give a **** about us. and you start thinking to yourself...well, she dumped me...i must have been pretty awful. thats hard to face when you love someone that much and you try everything to make them happy and you realize that youve failed.
Tiny Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 ive fallen into the trap of believeing everything ym ex says. after all, she broke up with me. i always thought i was good to her, understanding, compassionate, put up with a lot of her neediness. i always seemed to make her happy, feel better, laugh. i know ive made mistakes, everyone does. we were togetehr for 5.5 years. and it was my first relationship, through college, first everything with her. yes i made mistakes. she did too. i forgot them though. i forgave them. i know she didnt do anyhting to intentionally hurt me. thats why its forgiven. its when someone does it on purpose with the intent to hurt that is unforgivable. ive fallen into the trap of belieing how horrible i was to her. how inever listened. how i didnt give a **** about us. and you start thinking to yourself...well, she dumped me...i must have been pretty awful. thats hard to face when you love someone that much and you try everything to make them happy and you realize that youve failed. Was it you that failed her? or her that failed you? I know which I'd go for. No matter if this post "Is" the discernable truth, I still believe that if the WS had enough strength, to show "us" how unhappy "they" were in the relationship, at least we would of been given a chance to redeem our failures, if at all they were failures.
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