Realizing

[JosiePosie]

Ever since my ex and I broke up in mid-September, I have been thinking, analyzing everything from all different angles. Plus going through the whole loss/grieving process. I have been maturing emotionally and healing slowly. Just this past weekend I decided that I can't wait for my ex to come back, and that I need to start living again. Therefore, I posted some profiles on some dating websites, see how that turns out. If anything, I would like to make some new friends and expand my horizons.

 

I guess what cemented this decision was recalling an incident that occurred around the same time my ex and I were experiencing troubles. Being Native Canadian/American, the community is small. It is like six degrees of separation, there is always a common link, no matter where you are from, you both know the same person, etc. The incident involved a young native american couple (24 & 25 yrs old) who were well known for their dancing capabilities and genuine spirits. They travelled everywhere and had many friends. I have heard and read nothing but praise and admiration for this family. From the moment the couple saw each other, they were deeply in love, married, and had two children. Everyone spoke of their love and devotion to one another. It is evident in pictures I have seen.

 

This past August, this young couple were travelling with their two children and another relative from a gathering. They than were in a horrific auto accident. The young husband and their 4 yr old daughter died. The mother, son, and relative survived the accident. The mother was almost paralyzed and currently in a wheelchair.

 

In some native american forums, prayers and words of encouragment have been pouring for this young woman. What made me really look at her plight was the pure love she experienced with her family. Her husband was devoted, he always put his wife and children first. The young woman has posted responses whenever she was able to, and they are heartbreaking to read. She speaks of how grateful she is for the family they had, she is grateful to have such a loving and caring husband. But now has to deal with not only her physical pain, but the mental and emotional as well. She doesn't know how she is going to live from now on.

 

It is a slap back to reality when I look at my own relationship. I care and still love my ex. Now I have realized that it wasn't pure love. If it was, we wouldn't have broken up. He wanted his space and I was devastated. I keep reminding myself that at least I didn't lose that great love like this young woman did. And now she has to face the rest of her life without her husband and daughter. That love is still out there for me. There are moments of sheer panic with the thought of completely letting my ex go, but I have to. He hasn't made any attempt to work it out, not one phone call. He has kept me on his MSN but that can mean anything. Besides, do I really want someone who didn't fight to keep us together? That he just curled up in a ball and withdrew? I pinned alot of hopes and dreams on our relationship. And I think that is what is hard to let go, the potential. It's a shame to see that we are very compatible, but something within us tore it apart. I was ready and willing to work through the issues but he wasn't, he gave up and it hurts knowing that. When he was going through trials and tribulations I stood by him, when it was time to reciprocate, he withdrew. Like the old saying goes "everything happens for a reason".

 

I have printed out this young woman's posting as a reminder. The men I have been with wasn't real, I gave and they took. My ex wasted no time in setting up dating profiles after the split which hurt to see, but I can't control that. But real love is still out there for me. Anything is possible. Thanks for reading.