witabix Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 A few posts and my experience have led me to ponder this question. How do you ever really "know" anyone? What kind of information actually constitutes knowing someone? Is it the number of sexual partners they have had? Their favourite colour? What they like to eat or drink? What is it? Or is it even really possible? http://www.philosophyonline.co.uk/pom/pom_behaviourism_wittgenstein.htm .....seems to have an interesting take on something similar. I try to ensure that my SO knows as much about me as they want to, by always answering any question they have honestly. I don't have any skeletons in my closet to hide, and I wouldn't want there to be any. I don't sit them down and give them a full biography or anything, I just answer the questions as they come up over time. Someone who wants to get to know you will ask the questions they find relevant, and I am comfortable answering any question anyone would want to ask me. What I can't figure out is why other people are not always as forthcoming with answers to questions they have already aked me and received answers to. Why do people assume its ok to get info out of you and not respond in kind? Ok maybe there is more than one question here! I would really like to hear your views on the main question I have... How do you ever really know if you "know" someone?
bab Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 You can't ever know that you know someone, but you can try. And it takes time, and lots of it to come anywhere close.
itwontdawnsooner Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 you can only know someone through your eyes, which always filters what you see, so you never know someone completely - just as nobody will ever know YOU completely, no matter how honest you are, no matter how much you talk, certain things can't be communicated... and really, how well do you even think you know yourself? let alone someone else...
Outcast Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 What I can't figure out is why other people are not always as forthcoming with answers to questions they have already aked me and received answers to Some people haven't done the introspection needed to come up with an answer. Others aren't proud of themselves and don't want you to know what they're ashamed of. What you need to know someone is what the person thinks of himself and then whether his behaviour is congruent with that. For instance, someone will tell you he's honest but then you'll find that he cheats on taxes. Or he'll tell you he's a 'nice guy' but then you'll observe him berating wait staff and getting road rage at people who stop one second longer than he likes. Read 'cognitive dissonance'. Nobody willingly believes himself to be bad (not the same as having insecurity) so will reconstruct reality to rationalize his own behaviour. He will report himself the way he believes himself to be (or wishes he was) but you have to examine his actions to see whether he walks his talk. And , as others pointed out, that takes a lot of time. Same goes for you, BTW. You may answer questions truthfully, but that doesn't mean that the answers you give reflect objective reality!
Author witabix Posted November 29, 2005 Author Posted November 29, 2005 "Same goes for you, BTW. You may answer questions truthfully, but that doesn't mean that the answers you give reflect objective reality!" That is most assuredly true. My "reality" is and can only be that which I perceive to be true, even about myself. My question was more along the lines of sharing our perceived realities about ourselves and experiences of life, why do some people want to hear your experience/views/thoughts on something and not want to tell you theirs on the same subject.
Neptune Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 Probably some people are unconcious that they seek personal info from you and then don`t respond fully about themselves. They can`t see what they are doing. You may be providing more info than the individual intended or sought and you may not realize that they are not at the same comfort level revealing in kind. Some people just don`t seem to play fair. I have noticed that some people seek info and then are very vague about themselves. And are consistent in this behavior. I am on my guard around them and learn not to get sucked into it. I believe it takes at least a couple of years in a relationship to really get the full scope of their personality.
Author witabix Posted November 29, 2005 Author Posted November 29, 2005 I believe it takes at least a couple of years in a relationship to really get the full scope of their personality. Yes thats probably true, given that someone is open and honest with you. However why hide something that may put the other person off? Surely its better to be up front and give the other person the option to decide on if they want to be in a relationship with someone like 'you'?
Neptune Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 Ahh but life isn`t fair! Most sales start you off at a price and then add other costs in. I guess some people do that in a relationship. They figure they may not close the deal if they lay it all in the open from the start.
Author witabix Posted November 29, 2005 Author Posted November 29, 2005 Neptune, I think you may be right. It makes me so sad to think that this is what is going on in other peoples minds, so sad................
JS17 Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 You can't lay everything out on the line when you first meet someone. Some things require trust to open up about. I'm glad that I held back and never told some of the men that have crossed my path certain things because they proved to not be trustworthy and to not really care about me. I feel less foolish now for having kept these things to myself. It was never about tricking or manipulating the other person, it was about protecting myself.
Outcast Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 However why hide something that may put the other person off? Because they don't want to put the other person off.
Author witabix Posted November 30, 2005 Author Posted November 30, 2005 "Quote: However why hide something that may put the other person off? Because they don't want to put the other person off." Yes indeed, I wonder how fair that is. Isn't it illegal to sell something under false pretences? "Buying this razor will make you look like the guy in the advert and you will instantly become more attractive to women and your dinga-ling will grow to enormous proportions". To use an advertising (bad) analogy. Why do we do this? Pretending to be something we aren't or that we are not the person we really are, it makes it all very confusing!!!! Like a girl/guy pretending they are really naughty and rude but in bed they have more hang ups than a New York night club cloakroom! Etc.
Enygmatic Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 Really sad isn't it?. People tend to act in a certain way so they can gain everybody else's confidence. The real self comes out after a while and sometimes stays hidden forever which is scary cuz you don't know who you are delaing with. I read that someone said that you could know someone's personality by looking at his/her eyes...well I agree with that. My father has a lot of experience from life plus he studied psych for a while, If you give him the picture of someone's face, he will tell how exactly that person is. Just by looking at they eyes and facil traits
Outcast Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 I wonder how fair that is. Isn't it illegal to sell something under false pretences? In a perfect world, every person would be sufficiently confident and secure to not care if others approve of them or not. That's not even close to how the world is. People seek approval from others. The more they like you; the more important you are to them, the more they want your approval hence the greater motivation for concealing (deliberately or due to cognitive dissonance) flaws.
Enygmatic Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 In a perfect world, every person would be sufficiently confident and secure to not care if others approve of them or not. That's not even close to how the world is. People seek approval from others. The more they like you; the more important you are to them, the more they want your approval hence the greater motivation for concealing (deliberately or due to cognitive dissonance) flaws. Amen, period
ms_jnj Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 Agreed. Anyone that says otherwise has never had their heart broken by someone who wasn't who they claimed to be. You just have to take the risk, and realize that there is no guarantee ever, no matter how long you are with someone.
Author witabix Posted December 1, 2005 Author Posted December 1, 2005 You just have to take the risk, and realize that there is no guarantee ever, no matter how long you are with someone. Yes, agreed. Thats the way I play it, but it can be so damn hard, and disheartening. Where's my mind reading kit........ Thank you all for your opinions. Helpful.
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