Over for real, not coping very well

[claire77]

I've been on and off with a guy for almost two years. Its never been smooth. I don't even know why I have been so into him for so long--he's disrespectful to me, rude, insensitive, and just so obviously doesn't want to be with me. I feel like I have just invested so much time in trying to make things work, to the point where I have really let so much of myself slip away, which basically had the opposite effect I wanted.

 

I spent T-giving with him & his family and had a great time. Friday morning he kissed me goodbye, then at dinner on Saturday night he completely flipped out on me and we haven't spoken since (ok, its only been two days, but still). This is the pattern with him--a few great times, then a bad one. It happens every couple months or so.

 

I want to just get over this whole horrible situation and him, but I'm not doing a very good job. I don't understand why I have this attachment to someone so bad for me! I really don't think that he has anything to give to another person and has had/probably will have these problems in all his relationships. I know now that I deserve so much better, I've lowered my standards so far its ridiculous.

 

How can I get past this once and for all? Also, there is a party this Friday night where I know I will see him. Should I still go? I just hate the idea of the awkwardness in front of a ton of mutual friends

 

please help me, I really need advice and support!

claire

[Sad green eyes uk]

My advice to you first off would be NOT to go to this party, it'll only make you feel worse trust me. So do not go, you may be with mutual friends, but that is not the issue here. You are trying to get over this guy and seeing him will not help matters one iota.

 

Secondly you do not deserve to be treated in the way he is treating you, this guy obviously has issues. He has to be the one to change himself not YOU, and its clear from what you have said so far he has no intentions of doing that at this time in his life, for himself and YOU. The reason you have an attachment i think is possibly you want to be the one to help him, along with the time you have been together, on and off is not an issue here you have still invested 2 years to this guy.

 

I know how it is for someone to completely cut you out of your life like you never existed, its not a nice feeling. But you can take control of the situation and do things for yourself. Do not spend time worrying about someone who does not worry about you.

 

 

Take care and hang in there, it does get easier.

[Painwraith]

You deserve better honey.

 

go out and find someone thats worthy of you and cut him dead. yes you have given him two years but do you really want to go through more?

 

I wouldnt. not any more anyway. find someone new there is always others, dont talk to him dont reply to his texts or email no matter how you want to and go out with YOUR friends, tell mutual friends that you dont want to know anything more. and go heal and find someone new. the arseholes not worth it.

[slubberdegullion]

he's disrespectful to me, rude, insensitive

Then thank goodness that it's over.

 

The time you spent with him was not wasted. It's just that it took a while to realize that you don't want to be in a relationship like this.

 

So lose this erratic fellow. You certainly can do better.

 

And if you go to the party, there's no rule that says you have to spend any time with him. If he approaches you, walk away. If he continues to approach you, find the biggest guy in the party and stay close to him.

[delilah32]

i think most women have been in a similarly toxic relationship at one point in their lives. mine was when i was 19 with a guy who was miles beneath me intellectually. he preferred to be drunk and bare chested and thought prehistoric cave people had gender dynamics right. okay, i'm exaggerating a little...but there were serious gulfs between us in every respect. yet, it took me a long time to get out of that madness and even more time to get over it. it doesn't take rocket science to see that i wasn't exactly bursting at the seams with high self esteem at that point in my life. the ole' cliche about attracting people who reflect how we feel about ourselves is spot on. i hated myself back then and subsequently found myself a barbaric partner who would happily mirror back my self-loathing and lack of self-respect. the good news? i DID get over it and would never dream of stooping so low again. actually, what i did was move a few hours away so that i wouldn't be in the same town as that clown. it worked. within weeks i started feeling better about myself. i got over any deluded notions of romantic love i had for this guy almost overnight. it did take a long time for me to let go of some of the abuse, however (he was physically abusive), and to forgive myself for sinking that far. but it does work. my advise? you are young and smart and precious. don't waste another second on someone YOU KNOW is no good for you. don't rationalize, analyze, or justify. just get out! even if you don't like yourself that much (which would make sense right now), pretend like you do and be nice to yourself by exiting this toxic going no where relationship. make new friends, go to different parties. one of the problems of youth is that it really is hard to see much past the immediate here and now. trust me darlin', there are so many rich experiences out there waiting for you. it will hurt for a while, but you'll be amazed at how quickly you'll recover once you turn a certain corner. people who are at the receiving end of abuse tend to get over these things more quickly (the romantic love part that is), while those dishing it out find it harder to let go. keep us updated!

[Painwraith]

hear hear delilah!

 

Sorry to hear of your bad experiences. we all have them and if you face your fear it cannot master you.

[claire77]

Thanks guys. I don't know why I am still hanging onto it and missing him so much. I really didn't feel that good around him lately, and I do think it would be best if we were friends and nothing more. I just wish I understood why he would have been so awful to me.

 

I didn't sleep at all last night, so I really don't feel a whole lot better today.

 

jess

[airforcemama]

i knw how ard it is to get out of such relationships because atfirst they are soo perfect and nice and once you fall for them they start to change..trust me,they know what they are doing..it doesnt neccessarily mean that they are horrible horrible people but they arent exactly the best of the best..dont go to the party..if he knows that you are going to be there too then he knows what he is doing..you guys are going to end up talking somehow whether you approach him or he comes to you..dont go and surprise him! call a friend up and go somewhere else with her/him or do something that you enjoy doing for yourself..your right, it is a pattern but you can break it..and you know why i beliee in you? because you have already taken the first step towards it..you have aknowledged that it isnt good for you and that he isnt a very nice person to you..some people are so in denial that they cant even admit that to themseves..you know what you need to do inorder to get out ofhis cycle and no its not going to be easy but in the end, you are going to feel soo great about yourself..trust me, i just ended a relationship like this 6 months ago..i put up with his verbal and mental abuse for a year and a half..und i started to loose feelings for him..i still couldnt find the courage to get out because he made me feel bad and guilty and as if i was doing something wrong by leaving him..but they do that because thats theyre way of keeping you around..anyhow, i found out that he was sleeping with his ex the whole past year so i just broke it off..never called him again or anything..it was so freaking hard because i was used to seeing him everyday and talking to him on the phone all the time..but its doable!!!trust me..its going to be difficult to adjust to it atfirst but be strong..and think about what kid of guy you could have once ou get this a-hole out of your life..think of it as exciting..you can find someone who is going to treat you grrrrreat!!

 

 

 

 

 

I've been on and off with a guy for almost two years. Its never been smooth. I don't even know why I have been so into him for so long--he's disrespectful to me, rude, insensitive, and just so obviously doesn't want to be with me. I feel like I have just invested so much time in trying to make things work, to the point where I have really let so much of myself slip away, which basically had the opposite effect I wanted.

 

I spent T-giving with him & his family and had a great time. Friday morning he kissed me goodbye, then at dinner on Saturday night he completely flipped out on me and we haven't spoken since (ok, its only been two days, but still). This is the pattern with him--a few great times, then a bad one. It happens every couple months or so.

 

I want to just get over this whole horrible situation and him, but I'm not doing a very good job. I don't understand why I have this attachment to someone so bad for me! I really don't think that he has anything to give to another person and has had/probably will have these problems in all his relationships. I know now that I deserve so much better, I've lowered my standards so far its ridiculous.

 

How can I get past this once and for all? Also, there is a party this Friday night where I know I will see him. Should I still go? I just hate the idea of the awkwardness in front of a ton of mutual friends

 

please help me, I really need advice and support!

claire

[In Sync]

It's shocking how many of us have been with guys who were totally rude, disrespectful, verablly abusive...correctly put "toxic going no where relationship" Being with someone like that does chisel away at your self-esteem. And I am only now starting to feel like I'm moving forward. I can only compare it to my self esteem was dragged through mud and now I'm finally getting the last bits of caked mud off. When you are involved with these type of guys you must free yourself from their presence. Please don't go this party and chance upon seeing this guy. For one thing you'll go there already filled with anxiety and if he pays attention to you, that's a contact that will set you back. AND if you see him and he doesn't pay attention to you it's a setback emotionally. Plus what if he's there with someone else are you ready to handle this. Please avoid this party at all cost now. Do you have other friends you could hang with instead? Or simply learn to enjoy your own company. Don't think you have to prove to yourself that you won't be effected by him being there...this is about regaining your inner strength by avoiding this negative person in your life at all cost.

 

I'm not sure that we ever get the anwer to why they have been awful to us,

the guy I was with ended it 7 months ago. And that question has always plagued me. At one point I even thought did I deserve it..did I say something to make him yell at me so vehemently? Obviously I didn't but he would say to me "You shouldn't have gotten me angry." And I took the blame. Sad but true. These types are good at being sweet in the beginning and slowly their own issues creep out and people who fall for them feel the their wraths. Only we must make strident efforts to reclaim who we are and all the good things we desreve. It's a blessing he is out your life.

[karekare206]

You may be searching for this guy's approval...approval that you use to feel, and became dependent on.-You deserve better-trust me