ex's gf pushing way into kids activities

[defiant mom]

I need some advice from people who are outside the situation... please help me figure out if I'm over reacting or have a valid issue

 

I have been divorced for several years. We have 2 kids. After we split he tied up with a friend in our circle. They lied and hid relationship for an undetermined amount of time (likely were messing around before split but I have no proof) I was hurt, angry and betrayed that he just disrespected me that much to go to a supposed friend of mine. She lied to me about her dates and spied for him. She has interfered and manipulated.

 

She can have him and tho it bugs me becuase its HER I basically don't care however she is trying to push her way into family stuff now. Trying to set her herself up as his wife but they are not married. Not even living together. I have asked him to not bring her to family/childrens stuff. It is upsetting to be around her and then I end up being upset at events that should be enjoyable. He has told me to grow up and get over all the drama.

 

I have left it all alone all these years except for standing firm about kids activities and he won't back down so unless I enforce custody/visitation and essentially keep him out of that stuff too we are at an impass.

 

My Mom says not to let it bother me and not show them they are upsetting me but I can't seem to get past her part in this drama. I just can't deal with it.

 

Am I being ridiculous for expecting him to put my feelings over his gf when it comes to family stuff. Should I just back down? He doesn't love or respecvt her enough to let her move in or get married but I am suppos eto beleive its of vital importance she attend concerts and sports events.

 

AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[tinktronik]

You are overreacting. As a divorcee, you have to make things go smoothly for your kids regurdless of dads behavior.Ok , so you dont like his g/f .Thats what happens when u divorce. Deal with it act like a mature adult and youll come out the right side of this.It sounds as if shes been around a while and will be for a while too.

My ex , I dident like his g/f (now his wife) but apparently he did, and as it turns out the kids like her too. As time passed , I guess shes ok, a little dumb for my tastes( just a bite there) but hey shes not the devil or anything.

Pick your battles really well .Youll need to as time passes.

[Outcast]

Am I being ridiculous for expecting him to put my feelings over his gf when it comes to family stuff.

 

Maybe not ridiculous but definitely unfair. By your own admission, it's been 'years'. Time for you to get help to get over your anger at him because clearly it's not gone.

 

Should I just back down?

 

Absolutely. What Tink said. It's best for the children.

[penkitten]

im going to give my two cents and i hope you arent offended,

once you get divorced, you cant force him to invite or not invite friends or girlfriends to events that he wants to attend with the kids. unless you have enough proof to start calling the police or take to court to make this woman stay away from your children, its pointless.

i know its frustrating and it hurts right now, but trust me , this too will pass.

 

even if you have been seperated or divorced for a few years, it is going to continue hurting until you have no more desire for him. then once you get over him completely you will not give a crap who he has with him.

 

it is for the best interest of your children that you let it go and be happy with your own life without this man. let him attend events and get his visitation and the kids will be happier because he is in their lives.

 

if you continue down the path you are going, every situation is going to be drama which is no good for your babies. later on, whose to say you wont have a boyfriend or a husband who wants to attend with you or perhaps one day the tables have turned and you are working and cant pick them up from his house on time and you have to send your husband. these things will not happen for you if you dont let them happen for him either.

 

you deserve to be happy and so do your kids and yes, so does your ex husband .

 

if he isnt so interested in the girlfriend to move forward with their relationship, perhaps he is just keeping her around to piss you off. let it go and he will probally let her go too and find a decent step mother for your kids.

[tinktronik]

everyones ex-H deserves to be happy .....................except mine.

[penkitten]

everyones ex-H deserves to be happy .....................except mine.

we have all felt that at some time but yes he deserves it too.

[tinktronik]

we have all felt that at some time but yes he deserves it too.

 

It was a joke

[933KJL]

I am with everyone also. I am divorced for 5 yrs and my ex (married now) went through a phase of bringing the BF du jour to the Christmas show at school, the soccer games and so forth. I disagreed, but there is nothing you can do to stop it.

 

This GF seems to have been around for at least 2 years--that is pretty significant. I have a policy to NOT introduce my kids to a date/gf till it is serious and looks like she may be around for a while.

 

Someone touched on you having to get rid of all feelings for him and I agree. You may still be somewhat in love which is making this all the worse for you. If you are tearing yourself up about a "replacement mommy" don't sweat that. Your kids know who their mom is and that will never change. I always told my kids that there is only ONE mommy and ONE daddy--end of the conversation!

 

My ex has been remarried abot a year now (s***, maybe it is two) and you can see that there is a differenlt level of respect to the step dad versus me. SHe is not happy about it, and I guess he is not, but the kid's doc said that for at least 18 months of the marraige, he should have nothign to do with discipline, etc. He is the equivalent of a babysitter and should simply report things back to the woman in charge--mom.

 

But try to let it go and move on. My ex married a flake (there is my dig) but the fact is that apprently he makes her happy---and a happy ex is a good ex. There is a big bonus that he is also OK with the kids--not fantastic, but OK and they seem to like him as well.

[lindya]

II have been divorced for several years. We have 2 kids. After we split he tied up with a friend in our circle. They lied and hid relationship for an undetermined amount of time (likely were messing around before split but I have no proof) I was hurt, angry and betrayed that he just disrespected me that much to go to a supposed friend of mine. She lied to me about her dates and spied for him. She has interfered and manipulated.

 

I can understand, in view of the history, why you'd feel less than comfortable around the two of them. My heart definitely goes out to divorced people who have to socialise for the sake of their children. I guess it's one of these situations where you have to steel yourself and be civil towards people you don't particularly like.

[reservoirdog1]

I guess it's one of these situations where you have to steel yourself and be civil towards people you don't particularly like.

 

It sucks, but that's exactly what you have to do. There is nothing you can do to prevent your XH from bringing his GF to such events. That's not to discount your feelings at all -- just to acknowledge that there's little you can do to change what he does. And by continuing to insist, the sad truth is that you're the one who will look unreasonable and petty.

 

You don't have to be friends with them, or even terribly friendly. But civility will go a long way. I'm in the same situation. I'd rather not have to be around WXW and her BF at all, but sometimes it can't be avoided. I don't play buddy with them, but I'm civil and pretty reasonable about things like scheduling. The toughest recent example was the other month, when WXW brought her BF to "Meet the Teacher" night at my daughter's school. It pissed me off, but I kept it inside and put on my best "I don't give a sh*t" attitude. Worked pretty well.

 

And, whoever else said it is right... you need to work on yourself. Try to move towards not caring anymore. Try to get rid of the dislike and reach indifference. In the last two months or so, I've moved much closer to that, and it's made my life that much better.

[b52srock]

Oh, defiant mom, I'm right there with you honey!!! Our situations sound incredibly similar.

While my ex has not brought the new toy to any of the children's concerts or games (yet), he did take her to Water World just before school started...with my daughter...school sanctioned field trip. This was for freakin' families, NOT dad's and girlfriends, ok?

Now I'll grant you, I wasn't along on this trip, but just the image of the cute little family they made literally makes me sick at my stomach. I can't tell you how many of the parents either called me or stopped me in the grocery store (small town) to tell me how inappropriate THEY thought the situation was.

I have a 16 year old son. How do I tell my 16 year old son NOT to have sex with his girlfriend when his father is having sex IN THE HOUSE ON HIS PARENTAL WEEKEND with my children right there? Nothing I can do about it legally...she doesn't live there except on the weekends...but does it make it right?

Where are the morals in this country? Its OK for dad's to bring along girlfriends now? Its OK for dad's to have sex with their girlfriends with the kids in the house? Its OK to go on camping trips with the girlfriend and the kids...ALL IN THE SAME TENT?

How do we, as mothers, teach our children right from wrong when their fathers apparently don't know?

*gets off her little soap box and goes home*

[blind_otter]

I understand being upset but you can't control anyone's behavior but your own. If you have good moral fiber (by your definition, anyways) then your kids probably won't be "infected" by the father that you at one time respected enough to marry.

[Outcast]

Its OK for dad's to bring along girlfriends now?

 

Yes because they are divorced from the moms.

 

Its OK for dad's to have sex with their girlfriends with the kids in the house?

 

Probably not. Depends. Do the kids know? Are they old enough to understand? Does dad talk to the kids and discuss this?

 

Its OK to go on camping trips with the girlfriend and the kids...ALL IN THE SAME TENT?

 

Well yes. I assume that they aren't having sex in the same tent.

 

How do we, as mothers, teach our children right from wrong when their fathers apparently don't know?

 

What's the 'wrong' here? Did you and dad sleep together before you married?

[b52srock]

Outcast-

When I said "Its OK to bring along girlfriends now?" I was referring to activities that are school sanctioned....FAMILY activities. She is NOT family...she's just the woman their dad happens to be sleeping with.

 

Yes, the kids are old enough to know what dad is doing. My son is 16. Again, I ask, how do I tell my 16 year old son not to have sex with his girlfriend when his father can't control himself for 4 days a month (their visitation time)? And my daughter is 12...yes, she knows darn good and well what's going on in that bedroom.

 

As for the camping trip question...again...she is NOT family. She just happens to be the woman their dad is sleeping with. Does it make it right?

 

And the sleeping together with their father before we were married is a moot point....after all...there weren't CHILDREN involved. There weren't CHILDREN in the house...within earshot of the moaning and groaning.

 

That's my whole thing with this....I'll grant you, he has no respect for himself, and she certainly doesn't...but don't my children deserve respect? Don't my children deserve enough respect from their father that he won't subject them to this?

 

Don't get me wrong...I'm not a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but subjecting children to this kind of activity is only one of the many reasons we have a plethora of 14-15-16 year old children with children of their own!

[Outcast]

She is NOT family...she's just the woman their dad happens to be sleeping with.

 

They have been together for several years. You may think that

she's just the woman their dad happens to be sleeping with.

but clearly it's a more important relationship than that because it has continued for several years.

 

we have a plethora of 14-15-16 year old children with children of their own!

 

Not because two people in an obviously committed and caring relationship are together. I think you're not over him and you're pissed that he got with your former friend and you don't really want to believe he loves her and because that sticks in your craw, you're making this issue about her presence at 'family' events the scapegoat.

 

I think the best thing would be for you to get some counselling to get over him and move on with your life. Like it or not, the lack of a wedding doesn't mean she's not considered 'family' - at least by him and his kids.

[penkitten]

i think if you try to tell him he isnt allowed to bring her then hes going to tell you to f off and that he doesnt need permission to invite someone to his childrens events and their family camping trip and then i think hes going to tell you that whether you like it or not, she is his family now.

these are things that are going to hurt to hear and make things lots worse.

 

i think that outcast has been bolder than the rest of us by telling you the same thing.

 

i tried to do the same thing with my ex because our kids were babies ( 1, 2 and 5) and he told me awful hurtful things.

go ahead and find out for yourself but outcast was just telling you that this is going to blow up in your face if you do.

 

relax, your kids are old enough to know right from wrong by now and they will respect you and appreciate you more if you stay clear of all this. they know what their father is doing and they know who hes sleeping with. they know shes the hussy but they shouldnt have to feel like they are in the middle because you cant get along with him. hes your ex, you have no control, lets face it, if he cared what you thought he would still be with you.

wish him well and wash your hands of him.

go on with your life and meet you somebody that cant get enough of you and treats you better than he ever did.

be strong because this will pass.

[tinktronik]

Outcast-

When I said "Its OK to bring along girlfriends now?" I was referring to activities that are school sanctioned....FAMILY activities. She is NOT family...she's just the woman their dad happens to be sleeping with.

 

Yes, the kids are old enough to know what dad is doing. My son is 16. Again, I ask, how do I tell my 16 year old son not to have sex with his girlfriend when his father can't control himself for 4 days a month (their visitation time)? And my daughter is 12...yes, she knows darn good and well what's going on in that bedroom.

 

As for the camping trip question...again...she is NOT family. She just happens to be the woman their dad is sleeping with. Does it make it right?

 

And the sleeping together with their father before we were married is a moot point....after all...there weren't CHILDREN involved. There weren't CHILDREN in the house...within earshot of the moaning and groaning.

 

That's my whole thing with this....I'll grant you, he has no respect for himself, and she certainly doesn't...but don't my children deserve respect? Don't my children deserve enough respect from their father that he won't subject them to this?

 

Don't get me wrong...I'm not a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but subjecting children to this kind of activity is only one of the many reasons we have a plethora of 14-15-16 year old children with children of their own!

 

I agree we all feel this way after a divorce ,mine ran off with a stripper and maried her , but you get over your anger .You just sound bitter.

[penkitten]

how recently did he leave? perhaps it is all still so fresh.

[Outcast]

In her first post, she says:

 

I have been divorced for several years

[b52srock]

Actually, Outcast, you're quoting "several years" from the originator of the thread, Defiant Mom, not myself. My divorce has been official only 7 months.

 

Bitter? Angry? Yes, on both counts. And I can't think of too many people in my position who wouldn't be. They say the best revenge is living well, and that is what I'm doing...in my own house...with my children...a good job...volunteer work...etc.

 

My point is this...I could care less what he does to me. What I DO care about is what he's doing to his kids. My son absolutely detests this woman and refuses to be anywhere around her. And before you say its because of what I've put into his head, let me tell you this....my son knew this was going on long before I did and kept everything to himself. He didn't tell me or his father that he knew. Don't you think that's a rather large burden for a child to carry?

 

When I told the kids we were getting divorced (and I say "I told the kids" because he wasn't man enough to bother to be there, even though I'd asked him to be there so we could tell them together..too busy with his girlfriend) I told them what was going on, who she was, was very open and honest with them about the situation. I did not bash their father or her, simply told them it was their choice how they treated her and up to them if they wanted to be friends with her or not. They were old enough to understand. My son has nothing to do with her, and my daughter (being a daddy's girl as all little girls are...nothing wrong with that) shields herself every time she has to spend the weekend at her father's by having a friend stay the night or staying overnight at a friend's house. Its her way of still being with her father without having to cause any friction. Rather mature of her at 12 if you ask me.

 

I'm going to make a generalization here....but perhaps its because I'm a woman, a mother, that I take offense to what he's doing to his children. I know there are father's out there that feel the same way I do, but I think for the most part, women have a tendency to protect their young, shield them from things in the world.

 

But I will say this...if my son ends up knocking up his girlfriend or my daughter ends up pregnant at 16....the blame will lay squarely at their father's feet, not mine. I've busted my ass, and continue to, to make sure they know right from wrong. Perhaps we can agree to disagree, but what he is doing is wrong. Period.

[blind_otter]

I think the best thing would be for you to get some counselling to get over him and move on with your life. Like it or not, the lack of a wedding doesn't mean she's not considered 'family' - at least by him and his kids.

 

Word. I try to avoid interacting with exW's and exGF's precisely because of the ex-factor. People are above all very often not honest with themselves, especially when it comes to relationships and breakups. Thus this site has existed for several years.

 

According to the advise I revceived regarding my recent boyfriend (who is currently in limbo with me) -- the best thing to do is attack the issue with a family counselor who can help you determine what healthy boundaries are, and help you find effective ways to make that clear in a non-judgemental way that doesn't attack or hurt anyone.