newbby Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 Ok this is for the boys. Say you are getting to know a girl, who seems just so different from all the others, you just think she is fantastic. You know you shouldnt be, but you are falling for her hard. You know that she will be hard to get because she is very very cautious and slightly aloof but good fun and warm and sympathetic at the same time. You start to tell her how you are feeling and she warns you to take things a little slower. Suddenly one day this amazing woman turns into a demanding crazy freak. Do you cut her off 5 mins after the change and never speak to her again? Does this colour all of your previous thoughts and feelings about her. IS THAT IT?
filarena Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 Might this have been a really off day? I think it would depend on how bad she pulled a 180, how afraid I was it was really her true side, and how comfortable I was with things up until that point. How "cautious" and "aloof" was she?
Jellostick Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 Hey, I thought my recent ex was amazing and she turned out to be someone w/ more issues you can shake a stick at. At the time she was probably the best girlfriend I have ever had, she was loving and caring and compassionate and everything I could hope for but after we broke up she became the opposite of all of that. It sucks but I'm quickly getting over it. I have found that after we broke up and from now going to therapy that love is truly blind. It really clouds your judgement and you don't see their true self. I notice things now when I look back but I didn't see crap before 'cause every time she hugged me, held my hand, kissed me, or made love to me, I didn't think about anything else except how great my girlfriend is. It sucks but that's life and that's what i've come to realize about it. Life sucks and it's unfair but hey, they're not all bad. Cheers.
TUDOR Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 People go through rough spots, have bad days, weeks and some times even months. I am not so quick to write some one off because of that but instead will try to get to the bottom of what is going on and see if I can help in any way. Some one that cares about you will take the time and be patient enough to do that. If they choose to run away then maybe the problem isn't you but them. My guess is when they realize they were being irrational and lacking patience to see the greater picture they will be back.
Author newbby Posted November 28, 2005 Author Posted November 28, 2005 Might this have been a really off day? I think it would depend on how bad she pulled a 180, how afraid I was it was really her true side, and how comfortable I was with things up until that point. How "cautious" and "aloof" was she? thankyou for your reply. yes a really off day. she is down and annoyed when you really dont have time to comfort her because you have made other plans. she was realistic rather than cautious, and maybe joked a little when you got too serious.
Author newbby Posted November 28, 2005 Author Posted November 28, 2005 Hey, I thought my recent ex was amazing and she turned out to be someone w/ more issues you can shake a stick at. At the time she was probably the best girlfriend I have ever had, she was loving and caring and compassionate and everything I could hope for but after we broke up she became the opposite of all of that. It sucks but I'm quickly getting over it. I have found that after we broke up and from now going to therapy that love is truly blind. It really clouds your judgement and you don't see their true self. I notice things now when I look back but I didn't see crap before 'cause every time she hugged me, held my hand, kissed me, or made love to me, I didn't think about anything else except how great my girlfriend is. It sucks but that's life and that's what i've come to realize about it. Life sucks and it's unfair but hey, they're not all bad. Cheers. thankyou for your reply. yes love is blind but in a long term relationship there has to be a point that you accept each other warts an all. i'm sorry that you are having a bad time.
Author newbby Posted November 28, 2005 Author Posted November 28, 2005 People go through rough spots, have bad days, weeks and some times even months. I am not so quick to write some one off because of that but instead will try to get to the bottom of what is going on and see if I can help in any way. Some one that cares about you will take the time and be patient enough to do that. If they choose to run away then maybe the problem isn't you but them. My guess is when they realize they were being irrational and lacking patience to see the greater picture they will be back. thanks tudor i agree that maybe the problem is with the person who expects perfection and nothing less. sometimes it is hard to tell though. dont all men freak out a bit and think women are crazy and irrational if they get abit demanding?
TUDOR Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 thanks tudor i agree that maybe the problem is with the person who expects perfection and nothing less. sometimes it is hard to tell though. dont all men freak out a bit and think women are crazy and irrational if they get abit demanding? I think all women are more needy then men by nature. It isn't that you need more, your needs are just different than that of men and not all men understand that. Women are like a flower, they need a little TLC to be the beautiful flower inside that they appear to be on the outside. The patience to nurture these needs and "demands" are not something all men pocess and some men just lack the relationship skills to understand it but can get there. The ones that don't have the experienc or patience with it will freak out and think women are a bit crazy. But not all men are like this and you shouldn't let them make you think the problem lies with you.
Author newbby Posted November 28, 2005 Author Posted November 28, 2005 thankyou tudor, that is a very helpful response. i was feeling bad that i allowed myself to be vulnerable and needy. us women usually tend to think that we have to compromise ourselves all the time to give men the fantasy they require, but sometimes we require something back. i do think it was his problem. i was surprised at his reaction.
Author newbby Posted November 28, 2005 Author Posted November 28, 2005 so i suppose if he does return i need to think very hard about whether he is mature enough for a real relationship. i really dont think he will return though and this is beginning to make me lose respect for him, what a coward!
LN8840K Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 If you like someone I don't think too much will sway you if I like you, calling every 35 mins is not that big a deal .....if I dont like you I am wondering why you did not get the hint, when I did not answer when you called a week and a half ago capice ?
mini696 Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 Its only another part of their nature... People are packages.
Sevenmack Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 Depends on what one means by bad side. If the girl is simply bossy on occasion or has a tendency to occasionally freak out, you work those things out, usually with a combination of compliment ["I love it when you (insert positive attribute here)] along with (and sometimes without) a "but things would be better if you (stop some annoying behavior)." Or just compliment her when she's got her crap together; people tend to adjust themselves in a positive manner if you compliment such behavior. On the other hand, if she's controlling, fickle and wishy-washy ("I like you, I like you not"), constantly nagging, generally deceitful or simply a heinous b---h and is so constantly despite repeated arguments about it, there's no wellspring of love or like deep enough for a Grown-Ass Man to stay with such a woman. At least that's what I think.
Author newbby Posted November 29, 2005 Author Posted November 29, 2005 no the thing i am talking about was a one off. a one off freak out, but before then (you say) she is the best thing thats happened to you for a long time.
Author newbby Posted November 29, 2005 Author Posted November 29, 2005 If you like someone I don't think too much will sway you if I like you, calling every 35 mins is not that big a deal .....if I dont like you I am wondering why you did not get the hint, when I did not answer when you called a week and a half ago capice ? yes i understand you. of course what you are saying is obvious but if you were calling every 35 mins and head over heels infatuated and then run for the hills as soon as she displays some less than desirable side of her, and by this i mean simply being upset about something and being maybe a bit demanding of your time when you refuse to comfort her because you have made other plans.
ICS Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 This sounds alot like my ex-girlfriend. I was aware of her issues ever since I began dating her, but some problems had gone away while new ones become introduced. At first I was completely attracted to her because of her looks, despite her issues. But the more we talked, the more I began to understand where she was coming from, and I began to love her for her sweet, compassionate side, which often made me overlook her flaws-but they were defintely there, and a big part of her. I think it really depends on how much you love her, and your patience for her in bad times is a good indication of how easily you can see her true self despite all the negative signals. But there were times when it was just too much, and over the years I became less and less tolerant of her eccentric behaviour, AND I am an extremely patient person too. One thing is for sure though; if some time down the road she realizes what she did and apologizes for it, then there might be hope yet. I often found myself asking: "Is it worth the wait? Can I realistically believe that she might one day be more of that girl I dream about-minus some of the issues?" Then are again, once you are in too deep, there will be alot of hurt and pain, with or without her.
Author newbby Posted November 29, 2005 Author Posted November 29, 2005 in realising what she did, do you mean that you consider somebody having some (mental) health problems is doing something wrong? i do agree that within or without a relationship people need to work on their own issues mainly alone, but does that also mean we must keep our problems to ourselves and act like the ideal fantasy woman at all times?
Cecelius Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 I think all women are more needy then men by nature. It isn't that you need more, your needs are just different than that of men and not all men understand that. Women are like a flower, they need a little TLC to be the beautiful flower inside that they appear to be on the outside. The patience to nurture these needs and "demands" are not something all men pocess and some men just lack the relationship skills to understand it but can get there. The ones that don't have the experienc or patience with it will freak out and think women are a bit crazy. But not all men are like this and you shouldn't let them make you think the problem lies with you. Unless it does lie with [her]... All men, especially those with some success with women, have a point at which the need for nurturing becomes "demanding". This is not a lack of relationship skills, it's a low tolerance for B.S. If her actions were wacky in consideration of the amount of time they have been involved, her previous aloofness, and the reasonableness of her request, then it is no surprise that he would run. If that behavior wasn't objectively THAT wacky, then they just don't belong together. Relationship skills does not equal saintly patience.
Woggle Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 I am always leery of women who seem super sticky sweet and too perfect. Nobody is that perfect and that is why I am with somebody that readily admits her flaws. The honesty is so refreshing.
Author newbby Posted November 29, 2005 Author Posted November 29, 2005 Unless it does lie with [her]... All men, especially those with some success with women, have a point at which the need for nurturing becomes "demanding". This is not a lack of relationship skills, it's a low tolerance for B.S. If her actions were wacky in consideration of the amount of time they have been involved, her previous aloofness, and the reasonableness of her request, then it is no surprise that he would run. If that behavior wasn't objectively THAT wacky, then they just don't belong together. Relationship skills does not equal saintly patience. so if she was demanding just once after a recent trauma would that be it??
Author newbby Posted November 29, 2005 Author Posted November 29, 2005 I am always leery of women who seem super sticky sweet and too perfect. Nobody is that perfect and that is why I am with somebody that readily admits her flaws. The honesty is so refreshing. i just meant non demanding, but not fake.
ICS Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 in realising what she did, do you mean that you consider somebody having some (mental) health problems is doing something wrong? i do agree that within or without a relationship people need to work on their own issues mainly alone, but does that also mean we must keep our problems to ourselves and act like the ideal fantasy woman at all times? My ex can do some really wacky things sometimes, but to be honest I think she did not do them to hurt me, and most of the time she realizes afterwards that she did something wrong. I dont know if I can label her as depressed, but she deems herself so, and takes frequent visits to the psychiatrist. To be happy with someone in a relationship, you must first have a "base" happiness on which you relationship with someone you love could only improve. I believe this is a crucial point, because if you are not happy with yourself most of the time, it becomes rather difficult to be happy/to make others happy, especially someone close like your boyfriend/girlfriend. My ex definitely needs to search for that "base" happiness, because even she acknowledges that some of her behaviour and actions involving me are unjustified and that they surprise her as well. But if you ask me, I still love her. There is a lot of subjectiveness in a relationship, and I think it's important to take someone as a collective of emotions and feelings, both good and bad- and how much you love your significant other is largely dependent on how you deciphered that.
Author newbby Posted November 29, 2005 Author Posted November 29, 2005 i completely agree with you ics, on the other hand sometimes people can be perfectly fine until they are in a relationship, or limit and deny themselves a relationship because they arent completely ready. also there are few people who dont have any problems at all, it feels like a very big rejection to be cut off and ignored for some neediness that isnt really you, but came out at a low point. on the whole though, you are right of course, it is very important to make sure you are coming from a healthy place.
LN8840K Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 some things can be over looked others can't ..... people don't become better in time from my experience ...so not everything can be overlooked and sometimes it's just better to say, the last time this happened it did not turn out so well, its time to bounce.
mental_traveller Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 No I'd give her a warning, then if she didn't change and it happened again, I'd tell her I was breaking off because of her crazy behaviour. If she then sincerely apologised and grovelled, I'd give her one last chance, but another repeat of the craziness and I'd just get rid of her for good.
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