My girlfriend wants to go titleless and yet still together

[Vertex]

My girlfriend and I have been going out for a year. It started out as an LDR but now we are in college (near each other) so we visit often. However, recently she wonders if we are in a relationship because of its momentum as opposed to each other. She wants to go "titleless" meaning not officially boyfriend/girlfriend because she wants to make sure we "naturally gravitate" toward each other. However she said she would not necessarily want to go out and do stuff with other guys.

 

I asked her what the logic behind it all was, if she wanted to stay together, not do stuff with other people, and yet refuse to be my "girlfriend." She said she doesn't want to feel bad by not being able to do something for me -- she wants to not have to feel an obligation. Sexually we used to do a lot but now her sex drive has gone down a lot and she is hesitant to get into anything. Whenever I want to do something and she does not, I will just say I will go finish myself. This makes her feel bad because "she doesn't satisfy me" in terms of frequency. I suggested not telling her when I am horny -- let her initiate. This also made her upset because then she feels like I am settling for her, just "dealing with her issues."

 

And thus, she doesn't want to feel bad when she can't do something. She's said that it's all mostly because she dislikes herself and it has little to do with me. She is saddened and lonely lately because she does not have many friends at school, and the workload is quite large (we are both Ivy Leaguers). I've asked her how to make her happier and she just says she doesn't know, but I feel that by her wanting to go titleless -- her way of saying she is unsure about the relationship -- is a bit of a slap in the face to me. I don't know if I can be with someone who won't even acknowledge that we are together.

 

What do you guys think about all this? Any help would be much appreciated.

[WhiteDragon]

This can be very confusing and I understand why you are confused! Look man, if she doesn't feel like she doesn something right, you have to either just deal with that or help her do it right. Tell her what you like, I've done this a few times with my current girlfriend and things have become a whole lot better in the bed.

 

This "naturally gravitate" sounds to me either she's lost interest in you or the sex or someone else has gotten her eye. I say pleasure the crap out of her the next few times you see her if she means that much to you.

 

Or you can just try this; talk to her but don't make plans with her. Let her take the initiative to set something up. Maybe something will surface if you show her that you are just getting fed up with her emotions right now and maybe that will wake her up.

[westernxer]

Buy her a WWE championship belt and have her wear it around the apartment while she's studying. It should help her overcome her title complex.

 

When she's ready, you can come back and slam her on the mattress. In the meantime, go out and pin other chicks.

[Walk]

I don't agree with WhiteDragon. Sounds to me like she's under a lot of stress and pressure right now, and doesn't have much in the way of a support system to count on. (no friends)

 

I know stress will kill my libido in a heartbeat! And it makes me feel like I'm a failure, and evil, if I know I'm not satisfying my SO because of it. But it isn't something I can consciouly control, or fix.

 

So you have a couple of choices. Tell her you aren't going to accept the "titleless" relationship, and either she's your gf or nothing. Or, you can accept it, and try to be understanding and supportive of her because you love her. Try and understand that this period of time won't last forever, and things will change in the future. Or, you can explain to her that if you aren't gf/bf, then both of you are free to date other people while continuing to see each other.

 

Personally, if you feel she's still loves you, but she's just going through a hard time, then you're being a selfish jerk. There's nothing in a title anyway. The only thing that matters is if either/both of you decide to break the monogamous agreement. Sounds to me she's asking for a little less stress in her life. Either you can continue to contribute to it, or try to ease it for her. Up to you.

[Vertex]

"Personally, if you feel she's still loves you, but she's just going through a hard time, then you're being a selfish jerk. There's nothing in a title anyway. The only thing that matters is if either/both of you decide to break the monogamous agreement. Sounds to me she's asking for a little less stress in her life. Either you can continue to contribute to it, or try to ease it for her. Up to you."

 

I agree with what you say. I understand that a title means nothing when compared to the emotional bonds, but this was my question in itself. I did not know what would be accomplished by ONLY removing a "worthless title" because I didn't see how it would solve anything. My concern is, however, that she subconsciously wishes to do more than simply remove the title. That there is some other factor at play here she isn't revealing fully. I've asked her about this and I continually receive unclear answers.

 

I am more than willing to alleviate her stress. She wants to be compatible but feels that she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't concerning sex (she wants to please me but she doesn't feel like it, and feels bad when I, as a result, do things myself, but if I keep my drive hidden this will also make her feel bad). Thing is, I don't want to "see other people" while going titleless. I love my girlfriend and want to hold onto her... letting her go, to me, isn't an option.

[westernxer]

My concern is, however, that she subconsciously wishes to do more than simply remove the title. That there is some other factor at play here she isn't revealing fully.

 

There is another factor at play, and she's not going to be upfront about it, otherwise you will leave.

[WhiteDragon]

Stress?! Nah its not stress. Something else is there and it seems she is just scared of hurting you.

[Vertex]

Tis what I was afraid of

[Sevenmack]

Chances are that she's found somebody else already, but because that relationship is in its infancy, she wants to keep you around but not without actually being committed to her. You should ask her if she's seeing someone else, point blank, then gauge your response accordingly. If she says no without hesitation, then tell her that it's either the long-term relationship or nothing. If she 'fesses up or hesitates, dump her immediately and move on. She's not worth your time.

 

As for Walk's comments: Apparently she hasn't dealt much with most people, who tend to be cowards and more often than not, use double-talk in order to get what they want in relationships. Not to be mean, but anyone who would call someone a selfish jerk because they expect a real relationship instead of a B.S. circle doesn't have much of a clue.

[mini696]

I agree that there must be something causing her to do this... She seems to be letting go of you gently. In her mind its easier to break up when you have been 'warned' like this.

[Vertex]

I don't think there is someone else. She's told me this already

[Sevenmack]

But that doesn't mean she's owning up to the truth. For some people "someone else" may not actually exist until they have spent six weeks dating them and they've had sex, spent the whole night together and bought each other popcorn. Even if there's "no one else," she may be "talking" to another guy -- also known as making out and sleeping around with that person -- but not consider that person someone they are "seeing" yet. Most people, especially women, just have a way of using language to rationalize behavior. Cowardly, but most of us do it in one form or another, so it's how it is.

 

Even if there truly is no one else, all this seems to be a sign that she's no longer interested in having a long-term relationship with you. Since you are both in college, it makes sense. Distance has a way, not making the heart grow fonder, but drives lovers out of site and out of mind. So it may be best to just cut your losses, find other activities to do and someone else will come along. Relationships, to paraphrase John Lennon, come along while you're making other plans.

[Vertex]

Thing is, we STARTED OUT long-distance for a year. Then we came closer for college. So I don't see how coming closer would make the distance seem greater as we are able to visit each other every weekend. I don't know what to say to her. Should I say "Are you considering someone else?", "Are you no longer interested in me?", "Either you are my girlfriend or we are breaking up"? I have no idea what to say depending on the different possibilities.

[Sevenmack]

Again you're both in college, so it just might be that the relationship is coming to it's natural end. You note that she's not too happy with herself anymore; that might means she has her own issues. Since you have tried to be there for her and she's pushing you away, it may be best just to move on. It's not your job to fix her, if her own state of mind is the reason behind this breach. It's hers and hers alone. You can only be supportive of her, but if she's pushing you away -- and moving towards dropping the 'boyfriend-girlfriend' thing is a sign of that -- then move on.

 

What do you say? Ask her directly if her feelings have changed. If she's hesistant or doesn't come up with an answer that's concrete (anything other than a 'no' in this case is a 'yes, I'm no longer into you). Ask her directly if she's 'talking' to other guys. Tell her to explain what the hell is actually going on.

[Vertex]

She has said that her feelings have changed, but she still wants to be together, just without the title. I don't understand.

[westernxer]

Why stay with someone if their feelings have changed?

 

Trust me, you need to move on.

[Sevenmack]

"Trust me, you need to move on."

 

Exactly.

[the corinthian]

What do you guys think about all this? Any help would be much appreciated.

 

I think that this girl is either your girlfriend or she is not, and she can forget about you unless she is going to be committed.

 

Without the title there is no committment. What difference does a title make, anyway? I have always found this to be an incredibly weak argument. I don't care if this girl wants to be called a garbage truck instead of your girlfriend. If she is in a monogamous relationship with you then she is still your girlfriend.

 

Whenever a woman has tried to pull this on me in the past it has always been bad news. Based on my experiences, you either have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with this girl or you don't have a relationship.

[Cecelius]

She has said that her feelings have changed, but she still wants to be together, just without the title. I don't understand.

 

You need the "college girl speak translator". My apologies if this is harsh, but odds are it is true. The above statement means:

 

"I like you less than I did before and I am telling you this (1) because I did or so that in case I DO hook up with that hot dude who's really got me juicy, or ANYONE else I happen to be drinking with, it's not really cheating and/or (2) I don't need to feel guilty about dumping you later, BECAUSE I TOLD YOU I LIKE YOU LESS and you were on notice of future events and continued to date me knowingly. I still want you to want me, because that helps my ego in case no one else wants me and it is emotionally supportive during this time of need, and we can hang out on my terms."

 

7 times out of 10 (I made that up) college girls saying they want to slow down or see other people or not have a committment means they went to 3rd base with some other dude last week or that their interest level has fallen so low that they would almost prefer to date no one than to date you.

[itwontdawnsooner]

for most, the title=commitment

 

no title, no 100% commitment

 

without commitment, what does that mean she/you can do (although she probably would rather she can do as she wants, you wait around)

 

you dont deserve that