3 months and I still miss her so much.

[acsan]

Well here is my story, a depressing one at that.

 

I am 20 years old, and 3 months ago I was dumped after a relationship of 4.5 years. I was with my ex since early in high school and I loved her very much. We were both in love, or so I though, she constantly told me how much she loved me and how lucky she was to have me. We both shared the same feelings and had the same goals in life.

 

She was always a very kind girl but she was very manipulative and extremely insecure. Even after 4 years she still got very upset over me seeing nudity in movies. I don't understand why, because she was extremely cute and always wore very revealing clothes because she had a gorgeous body. I always assured her that other women meant nothing to me (because in all truthfulness they didn't, I was in love with her). She was also extremely jealous and it wasn't uncommon for her to get extremely mad at me if I even talked to another girl, even though I never flirted or had intentions of being more than friends with anyone. The dumbest part about all this is that I always trusted her and never worried about her hooking up with anybody else, and I never once cared if she talked to other guys. In fact she would always hang out with me and my friends who are almost 100% males.

 

We spent a lot of time together, we took classes in college together, and she would spend the night at my place a lot. We were basically married without the whole living together thing.

 

She was always extremely needy of me, always telling me how much she 'needed me' and how she couldn't live without me. I always felt the same way about her, and would have done anything for her, although I never said it to her constantly like she did to me.

 

Her family absolutly dispised of me, which to this day I cannot figure out why. I was always extremely polite and respectful to them, but they just could not deal with the fact of their youngest daughter growing up and being in a relationship... I know her mother played a large role when we broke up.

 

Anyways, everything was great for 4 years, we had an awesome relationship in which I would consider even stronger than many marriages. She always wanted to get married young, and I told her that I would never be able to commit to marriage until I was out of college with a steady career. I always told her that I loved her, and that marriage should wait until we could completely commit to each other. She was always uneasy with this and constantly bugged me about it.

 

After time, I began to get very frustrated and angry with her over her jealousy and insecurity issues. It came to the point when I got crap from her about jealousy, I would either a.) yell at her to stop such rediculous accusations, or b.) ignore her until she could calm down and she would usually apologize to me the day after the event.

 

One day she accused me of 'looking' at a friends sisters pictures and I will admit, I completely flipped out. I basically told her off, telling her that she was being a huge 'bitch' and that she was completely out of her mind for putting me through this ****. I told her that I wanted to spend a few days without seeing her (I said this as sort of punishment for her, so maybe next time she would think before accusing me of such rediculous things, I mean seriously, even if I was looking at a friends sisters pictures, who would care?).

 

After about 3 days of not talking to her she calls me up and tells me 'she cares for me as a person, but not as a boyfriend anymore' and hangs up. I was completely shocked, I tried calling her back but she turned off her phone. I drove over to her house, completely upset and shocked and she told me she just couldnt deal with me 'ignoring' arguments anymore. I found this very fishy, and I knew at that moment it was an excuse because she had begun to involve herself with someone else. It turns out that my innate feeling was correct. After going to her house I convinced her that breaking up with me on whim like that was a dumb thing to do, and that we could work out these problems.

 

She came to my house later that night as if everything was ok, we watched a movie together and had dinner, and she left, still telling me she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me anymore, but she was confused.

 

So the next day she calls me and tells me that she definitly wants to break things off for at least awhile... I was extremely upset, and at the point of begging for her to not do this. She didn't care though, it was like she was a completely different person, I could not get through to her.

 

After a week of trying to contact her and basically begging for her to please try to work things out I finally gave up. Another two weeks later I find out she is ENGAGED and moving 200 miles north to move in with her new fiance. I was devastated. She always fantasized over marriage and I expect the real reason that she ditched me was because I wouldn't commit at such a young age. Even after seeing two of her siblings experience failed marriages she still wanted to get married ASAP. The most hurtful thing about all this is that the guy she left me for, she met through me.

 

Through some friends I guess she had been talking to him a lot a few weeks prior to our breakup and I assume that she was just waiting for an argument between us to break things off.

 

So after all that jealousy and insecurity crap, and 4.5 years of doing nothing but love and devote my loyalty to her she pulls this. She always worried about me doing this to her, and she turns around and does it to me.

 

It has been 3 months now since we broke up and I still miss her so much. I try to look at it as -- it's better that she did this now, then another 4 years down the road, but it's just so hard for me to think of my life without her. I'm a pretty good looking guy, but I am extremely shy and have problems holding conversations with most girls, so I always end up befriending them instead of dating them.

 

I feel like I lost the girl of my dreams (she even shared many of the same hobbies of mine). I wan't to move on, and maybe even date again, but I know that after what happened to me I will have a very hard time trusting anyone again. Four and a half years, and I NEVER saw it coming. I never saw it coming from a girl I NEVER expected it from. And she has moved on like I was never anything to her.

 

I really want to move on, but I am finding it difficult even though I am visiting a counselor now. My counselor tells me that I have been basically 'victimized' and should treat myself as so. I let out the tears when they come and I don't hold back my emotions, and while things have gotten easier, I still sit around dwelling on the past and thinking about her. I still dream about her a lot, and I really just wish I could move on.

 

Thanks.

[sick of it]

i absolutley hated this when people told me. Time.

its horrible. its a bad burn, it doesnt matter how much ice you put on it it will burn until it heals. it may be hard to do, but step back for a minute and see the absurdity of it. 4.5 years with you, break. 3 weeks with someone else and engaged? its absurd. its not right. and yes it hurts and im sure its a "why not me?why i cant you be engaged to me?" ive found that asking these questions is a way of holding on. you wont get answers. in time maybe you 2 will meet and be able to talk. but no answer will fix anything no matter how many questions you ask.

its impossible to stop caring about someone you love that much. its impossible to drop someone from your life the way they can. i dont comprhend it. like the mind cant comprehend the size of the universe, i cant comprehend doing that to someone. and yet, it happens. its a value thing. some people dont value anything. memories, history, caring,..it means nothing. my problem is all the memories and history that i thought with shared in 5.5 years seems to mean nothing to her. shes haring our memories with someone else, shes doing things we used to do with someone else. i cant imagine doing those things with another girl. but im not her. and i will maybe never understand how or what shes doing until im where she is emotionally.

again, cliche thing....hang in there. hang with friends, think of how the next guy will face the same problems and it wasnt you, you dont need to hate her. but you need to think of how youre better how for now.

[MnkyGirl]

I agree, it is horrible to say but time is what will heal you...

 

I do believe that the reason she accussed you so much was because she was doing the things and hated herself for it. I don't think it was all a plan to get you two to fight to break it off, I think she was seeing someone else and it was ok for her to do but then she got paranoid that you could be doing it too...after all if she was hiding it really good then you can too..it is common for people to do.

 

After all that she has put you through you still want her because you love her, I know this, I have been through this...It has been a month and a half and I am starting to feel good. I am hanging out with new friends and keeping myself busy. I don't let myself think of him. I love him so much and want him but he has been bad for me...I know that in my head but my heart wants him. Just do your best to move on, have fun, do stuff for yourself, take a little "me" time and just have fun. Meet new people, do new things...keep your mind off her and you will get over her.

 

You need someone to love and respect you, she didn't. You need someone to trust and communicate with you, she didn't. You will find it one day when you aren't even looking, you will find that one true love that will be wonderful to you and that you will be wonderful to. You will be fine, give it time...time sucks...but it is all you have...

[bigbrowneyes]

I couldn't have said that better MnkyGirl! As much as we all hate hearing it, time does make a difference. It's what you do with that time that matters.

 

I was with my xBF for 6 years and I decided that it was time to finally cut things off for good in October. I realized that it was best for both of us. My xBF was the same way. He would get angry if I didn't answer my cell phone immediately when he called. When I did call him back he would rant and raive forever and accuse me of all the ugly things that I later found out he had been doing through out our relationship.

 

You should be grateful that she walked away from you so that life will give you an opportunity to how wonderful love can with someone who trust and respects you. We never forget our first love which makes your situation even harder. I married my first love (who I've known since I was 5) so I completely understand how you feel.

 

Begin enjoying your youth! Life is just beginning for you only you are too heartbroken to see that now. Like MnkyGirl suggest, get together with your friends. Spend time doing things that interest you. Eventually you will meet someone who sparks your interest. Plan to go on vacation with your friends during your spring break so you have something to look forward to. When you begin to think about your X only allow yourself 5 minutes and than focus on something fun...like vacation in Cancun with your college buddies during spring break!

 

And honestly, the 200 mile distance is a blessing from God....this way you don't have to know the details of her life. Keep your chin up. Life is good and it will get better.

[acsan]

Thank you all so much for replying. It means a lot to me. I'm doing my best. She said a lot of untrue and mean things about me to a lot of people I knew, and that really hit me hard. It's like, you break off with me because you've met someone else, AND for NO reason what-so-ever you start blurting off lies about me. She completely changed, and from what I have read I guess it isn't all that uncommon for people to do this directly after a relationship ending.

 

MnkyGirl I noticed you are in Seattle, maybe you could knock some sense into her, lol... That is where she moved.