Tolerance levels

[ThatGuy31]

My girlfriend now has 2 great kids. However they both have attitude problems and are allowed to get away with what I deam as entirely inappropriate behavior, mouthyness, violence, dirty looks, breaking of things, not picking up after themselves. She is overcoming a trouble relationship with her mother as well, she had no father growing up, her kids are in the same boat other than me. Their bio. father is aggressive, verbally abusive and does not demonstrate fatherly behavior in their presence. My issue is not with hers so much as with mine in the future. I don't have kids yet but we want to have 2 more. I disapprove with her tolerance for their behaviors 100%. THey can be disrepectful and receive very little punishment for it, and she even underminds me infront of them when I discipline them. How do I handle this behavior now? and is this a precursor for how she will be? Right now her kids know if they ask me something and I say no, if they ask her she will side with them, and if she feels I'm being to strict she ignores what I say completely...right infront of them. What are some ways we can deal with, me coming in as a soon to be step parent that expects children to repect adults at all times not just some of the time, finding a happy medium between my lack of tolerance and what I deem as OVER TOLERANCE. which she demonstrates in many aspects of her life not just her parenting.

[JayKay]

ThatGuy

 

This is a pretty major issue. Many marriages that involve step-children suffer badly when the two parents don't agree on how to discipline.

 

It sounds like things have been out of hand with her kids for quite some time -- she may be having difficulty disciplining them due to guilt she feels over their bio father's behaviors. Or, she may just have never learned to properly parent and thinks her way is the right way.

 

I've seen kids who understand it's important to be respectful of adults. So it can be done!

If she says, "Oh, they're just being kids..."

 

Tell her no, kids can learn proper behaviors from the get go. Eye rolling, snide comments, breaking objects are all examples of 'pushing the envelope'. These kids are practically begging for discipline!

 

Was their bio father abusive towards them? I wonder if they all need a little short term therapy, as a family.

 

You didn't mention their ages, but the younger you start the better. She needs to start being consistent setting rules, boundaries and then sticking to them. Kids need to understand that consequences follow when rules are broken.

 

I'd sit down with her and have a very serious discussion about all this. Above all, DO NOT start a new family without getting on the same page regarding how to raise children. You may need some marriage counseling. You didn't mention if you plan to get married or not?

 

Maybe you should watch Super Nanny together -- it's a TV show about what happens when kids are not disciplined. The Nanny has to come live with the family for a week and get them straightened out. I think a lot of people watch this show to laugh at it....but it's actually very useful to show what happens to kids when they are out of hand. They turn into monsters! I saw one show where a kid bit his mother, screamed at her and hit her in the head. He was only 5!

 

When kids are out of control they become brats and nobody likes being around them. Tell your wife she risks raising some very unpopular children who will end up doing poorly in school because they lack focus and respect.

 

I'm sure other parents here will chime in with helpful advice

[slubberdegullion]

Kids need, and want, discipline. Your gf is not doing the kids any favours by condoning their bad behaviour.

 

Granted, a household is not a military installation, so there needs to be abundant grace as well.

 

But this isn't about the kids. It's about your different parenting styles.

 

At the risk of sounding like Dr Phil, I'd strongly recommend his book Family First, which goes into some issues like this in detail, and has some very good information regarding parenting styles and similar issues.

 

Will she change? Who knows? But IMHO it's important for her to realize that treating their mother with disrespect may carry forward into their adult lives, and they may end up treating all women disrespectfully and as disposable.

[Outcast]

My issue is not with hers so much as with mine in the future.

 

Please do not marry her as long as you plan to think of the kids as 'hers' and 'mine'. You will do all of them irreparable damage. Absolutely get family counselling AND premarital counselling if you actually want to marry and read Dr. Phil's book religiously. But unless you are prepared to think of 'her' kids as 'your' kids too, don't marry her at all.

[Art_Critic]

I agree with Outcast.. and would like to add that at this stage you seem to be missing the fact that you are the BF not the husband.

 

As the BF you have no right to deem what is appropiate for her children

[lilmoma1973]

It will always be like that i am married to a guy that had a child from a previous relationship... It don't get any better i have raised this child since he was 2 and now that he is 15 don't really have much say so over him .. SS basically runs the show and dad lets him !!! We have a 6 yr old daughter together and she gets more disciplining than ss ever thought of!!! My daughter has had more spanking than ss ever had and she is 6 ... She is a better child than he is and will listen better she has her days but she knows her boundaries.. SS knows he can do whatever and not have no consequences!! Unless you want the headache of not having disciplining than you should run far away or you can tell her that if you are going to be in a relationship with someone with kids you need to be able to have a say so or you are gone!! If you don't lay the law down like i should have there will always be conflict and problems in your relatioship and if you get married it only gets worst !! Good luck

[Hot Coco]

I've been in almost the EXACT situation. You have almost no chance of this working out if you don't settle this. It's a tough one. The biological parent can get VERY defensive about any perceived criticisms regarding their parenting style. That makes it really important to watch how you approach this.

 

Right now, in my opinion, you should not be doing any kind of disciplining. It should all come from her. You should really talk to her about your concerns. I'd tell her that you're not sure you can have a future unless you agree on this issue. She will have to change. I hope they're under 12 otherwise I don't think you have much of a chance.

 

Like I said it's really tough. I was lucky in that after many, many talks, my H changed the way he was disciplining my step son. Eventually I stepped in and helped out in that area as well. Everything turned out great but it was touch and go for awhile at first because of this issue.

 

If you have some specific questions on how to handle this I'll be glad to help in any way I can. I've actually been through it twice. Once with my ex-husband. I handled it all wrong in that case (kept my mouthshut) but did learn from it. The second time around I took an entirely different approach (didn't shut up about it.) I recommend the latter.

[slubberdegullion]

The second time around I took an entirely different approach (didn't shut up about it.) I recommend the latter.

Agreed, but not in front of the kids. They're manipulative little people, and will exploit any division in parenting styles.

 

With that said, others have noted that it's not your place, or responsibility, to be disciplining the kids unless mum is not around.

[tinktronik]

you guys should take some parenting classes together.It will give you a fresh perspective on child behavior , and teach you both how to have a untied front . I used to let my boys run wild, mostly b/c I dont hit and my parents dident set an example to learn from. But in theese classes I learned both what discipline does and what lack of discipline does also. You should give it a go.I still dnt hit but have learned effective ways of disciplining without it .

[ThatGuy31]

Well let me give ya some more info and thank you for the advice. The kids are 8 and 6. The 8 yo is a female and very attached to me. the 6 yo is the boy he is very aggressive like his father. I'm not sure what he has seen however I know the 8 y.o has seen her mother choked and seen there bio father's temper in action. The depictions my g/f gives me about how her ex was are seen clearly in the aggression and disrespect her son shows to people.

My g/f is a young mother never really had parents growing up. Still doesn't have a supportive relationship with her mother now. SHe lived with her grandmother until she was 14 then moved in with her mother. I think she is doing the best she can given her experience, limited experience. She was raised on poverty and aspires to get out of it and not have her children sticken with the same ignorance mentality she is self-admittedly battling now. But is struggling to change it.

Info on me.

I have raised my babysister. My mother worked 2 jobs and sacrificed her entire social life to provide a great home for my 2 sisters and I to grow up in i saw my father every 2 weeks and have a great relationship with him. It wasn't ideal and I have been trough a great deal but my mother and father brought me through it unlike her, you could say I have gone from rags to riches, she wants taht but isn't really sure how to do it. I have attended family couseling sessions, read parenting magazines, and have no problem asking people....such as anyone reading this, for help or opinions.

I don't ever plan on refering to the kids as yours and then i have mine. however that is the way given our EXTREME different parenting approaches makes it feel. Fortunately I have no children yet. Yes I plan on marrying her someday but there are a lot of things that need to be worked out as most of you agree. She has turned over the rights for me to discipline the children, i don't spank and i'm not a yeller however I do correct them when they are acting inappropriate or disrespectful. She thinks i'm too petty and too strict, maybe I am, I am trying a different approach now however that is less strict and more passive. The kids do know that I'm the strict parent and that "THEIR MOTHER" will take their side, which is another thing I take issue with, and she does it infront of them.

I know all this kind of sounds hopeless but I really love the kids and I really love her. I'm just looking for ways to make it work.

[Ladyjane14]

This is just my opinion, but I don't think that you should be disciplining your girlfriend's children at all.

 

This sounds like a relationship problem between you and your girlfriend...and I agree with the others who have recommended that you resolve it before proceeding on to marriage.

 

It's too easy for a man to be put into an adversarial postion within the family to begin with. Too many men end up on the 'outside looking in' because the kids are testing their boundaries, and Mom becomes an unwitting accomplice in her protection of them. Alot of that is due to Dad allowing his anger to show.

 

It happens all too frequently in biological families. And here you are....starting in your family life from that difficult position.

 

My best advice would be to NOT get into a parenting arrangement at all with the kids....at least for now. The most successful step-parents have a relationship with the kids that is more like a favorite Uncle or Aunt.

 

'Backing off' will put the ball back into your girlfriend's court. The beauty of that is that if she wants your help, she'll need to negotiate with you in order to get it.