ThatGuy31 Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 Here's the story. I am in a relationship right now with a girl with whom I love tremendously. Things aren't perfect on the outside but I don't ever see myself without her. THat all sounds nice right...well, it gets better. She got pregnant immediately out of high school and married some idiot just b/c! He cheated, abused her physically, mentally and emotionally and stilll has a tremendous ability to manipulate her. She is working very hard to undo the damage that he has done to her but I'm having a hard time with some things. 1st, I am a hopeless romantic and am one of those guys that imagined his wedding day. (I feel corny for even admitting that). She has admitted that her last marriage was not b/c of love and had no real wedding or anything of that nature, they were separated 4 of the 5.5 yrs they were married. I'm finding myself jealous and in constantly internally competing. I don't know if I can deal with the fact that she has already done it all before. The kids, the wedding, etc. The better part of me tells me that if we have love it should be all taht matters, but she is constantly telling me I should be with someone who it will be both of our 1st wedding 1st child...etc. I get sad and jealous when she says that but I almost feel thats whats Ideal for me but not what i have in front of me right now. I keep telling myself its not whats been done for the 1st time but just the last one is me. Anyone have any advice or similar experiences that may shed some light on my situation. Thx BESTFORLAST
Artscrafter Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 The way I see it, to put it bluntly, is that you're going to have to decide whether it's more important to you to have your wedding be the way you'd envisioned it, with someone who was also getting married for the first time and what have you, or to have your wedding be with this woman. I can't say it'll be an easy decision and I certainly can't make it for you, but you've got to decide whether you love her enough to work through your insecurity.
Walk Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 Here's a thought... She may have been through a marriage, and kids, but not with you. Everything is different. You are different, she is different. The relationship is different. It is new. And it is unique. These experiences will be completely different and better because the two of you are experiencing them. Not anyone else in the world. It doesn't matter if she's done something before. She hasn't done any of this with you, and that is what should matter. Focus on the two of you.
NYCmitch25 Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 The way I see it, to put it bluntly, is that you're going to have to decide whether it's more important to you to have your wedding be the way you'd envisioned it, with someone who was also getting married for the first time and what have you, or to have your wedding be with this woman. I can't say it'll be an easy decision and I certainly can't make it for you, but you've got to decide whether you love her enough to work through your insecurity. Great response! The only thing I would add is that you can't undo all these things without help, if possible get some! (assuming she wants it).
Author ThatGuy31 Posted November 28, 2005 Author Posted November 28, 2005 Here's a thought... She may have been through a marriage, and kids, but not with you. Everything is different. You are different, she is different. The relationship is different. It is new. And it is unique. These experiences will be completely different and better because the two of you are experiencing them. Not anyone else in the world. It doesn't matter if she's done something before. She hasn't done any of this with you, and that is what should matter. Focus on the two of you. my only worry is that there is a constant comparison going on in her head. I know I feel like I have to out do everything, granted that is a lot more my own insecurity but I'm tryin to deal with it.
Walk Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 my only worry is that there is a constant comparison going on in her head. I know I feel like I have to out do everything, granted that is a lot more my own insecurity but I'm tryin to deal with it. No.No.No... You're looking at it all wrong. If she's loves you, and it sounds as if she does from the way she is concerned about your desire to have a "first's" wedding... then discard all that bull that's floating in your head. You think she's going to compare a wedding with you against her ex's??? Okay, maybe. She'll probably be thinking "that ass, I should've known." versus. "Wow, this is the one. and I know." You're judging yourself more harshly then she will. If you do the best you can, within the limits you have, that is all any woman could want. (at least, any sane woman) I was married once. Beautiful, huge wedding. Probably would cost hundreds of thousands to out-do it. When/if I get married again, to a man I love, I won't be thinking it's gotta be bigger and better, or that it's not as good. I'll probably be thinking, "this is the man I love", and be thankful that I finally got it right. Even if it did take me two tries. It might help you if instead of thinking of how she's going to be judging you, if you place yourself in her shoes for a bit. She's probably feeling as if she's tainted goods with your talk about her already having been married. How she'll never be able to give you what you wanted. How insecure that would make her feel. Don't get so wrapped up in how you feel that you can't see how it affects her. A relationship is supposed to be two people. All the way.
Recommended Posts