CantDecide... Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 my ex has a new bf. i didnt go looking to find out, some1 i handt talk to in a while her new bf's ex gf. just said it randomly. blah. it felt like i got stabbed repeatidly in the stomach. for the most part im past the missing part but now its just like holyy SH*T. its really really done. and the wierd part is i talked to her 4 days ago. she seemed a little off. but i figured it was becasue it had been so long of NC. but wow im in a world of pain right now. i really just dont know what to say, i knew talking to her would put my hand on the fire i didnt think id be this bad. but from now on im just seriosly blocking her on AIM and myspace no possible comnication. how do i stop these visions in my head of her having sex with him.
Art_Critic Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 you should've blocked her when you guys broke up.. Then started NC.. Block her now and do NC.. otherwise you are just exercising self defeating behavior.. Sorry you are in pain..
Yamaha Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 By taking her off the pedestal. Did you think she would never date again? Why don't you try it!!!!
Author CantDecide... Posted November 28, 2005 Author Posted November 28, 2005 i am dating i hook up with a lot of girls, my phone book is flourished, but shes still always in the back of my mind evan with almsot 2 months of NC, and strict NC at that. never looked at her profile or her mysapce, never asked about her, told people dont bring her up. i was doing NC, evan if i hadnt talked to her id still be this way
Avarice Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 Man, the same thing just happened to me about 3 weeks ago. I dated this girl for 3 years, broke up about 6 months ago and barely saw/spoke to her, and then 3 weeks ago found out that she's been seeing my roommate's boss for the last couple of months. In my mind they've been having great sex ever since. You already sound like your handling it better than me; I replaced all my food with cigarettes and drank every night, watched my grades go to ****. I couldn't get the visions out of my head either, hence the drinking. But it's only been 3 weeks, and it doesn't happen nearly as much as it used to. At least you're dating; I'm a single-ass bastard, so while she's busy riding this guy's pole I'm stuck in internet-porn hell. Advice? Destructive advice is to drink lots, and try to squeeze as much out of the fact that a man with nothing to lose is a man without fear. Constructive advice is to hit the gym alot. Make yourself go out and do stuff even though it's not gonna be much fun, you'll thank yourself later. It helped speed things up for me to talk to her one last time, and say what i needed to say, get some closure, etc. Problem with NC is that sometimes you end up sweeping things under the carpet instead of dealing with them. This might not be the case for you, but although it was incredibly painful to see her again, I got what i needed out of it. Talk to your friends, people on here, etc, about it as much as you can, because right now you need a perspective outside of what you're dealing with. And you will stop imagining them having sex eventually, but before that you'll get desensetized to it and it won't hurt as much. There's no easy way out of this, you just have to turn around and walk away, and things will slowly (Sloooooooooowly) get better. Good luck, if you find an easy answer let me know.
Author CantDecide... Posted November 28, 2005 Author Posted November 28, 2005 you knowi know this isnt an easy road to take, i know what i have to do to get better but its so hard. i do date other woman, i am doing things for me. my grades have gone to **** but in all honesty least of my worries. its just hard to see her happy and know that as much as i am hanging with other girls im not happy. I put up a mask to the world on the outside i look so happy usually smilling evan, but at the end of the day shes still the one i think about. i alreayd know shes the "one that got away" i talked to a good friend of mine last weekend about how i feel, and he said bro if ur being really honest with urself and u trully love her atleast tell her how u feel, dont keep ur feelings bottled away forever cuz u dont know what could be if u never talk to her. thats wy i initiated contact on thursday i wasnt gonan drop serious talk right away, gonan wait a lil while. But at this point theres no point. I gues everything is ment to happen for a reason. the worst part of this i gues is that the kid shes dating or going out with or together with, him and i usto be part of the most powerfull hockey offense line in the state, and where really close, and he moved away and came back, and baggs my girl. i mean no shes not mine but u know what i mean. I gues now i know for sure, it really is over, theres no more what if i talk to her, theres no more maybe she misses me now and then, what if we bump into eachother, thatsall over. Its amazing how powerfull woman are...i think at this point i just need to find myselfa new gf to fill her place...thats really what i feel is lacking
AltplanB Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 I am going through the exact same thing as you guys. ****ing A its hard. But if you have really strong feelings for her, and she hasn't moved on to a new bf yet, and shes telling you the specific problems of the relationship, should you try to work things out? Should you do everything possible to get them back or NC? I am trying to fix the problems for myself and her, but she hasn't responded whether it would make things possible. I realize that she is going to date and even have sex..(god everytime it comes to mind, i put a whole in the wall(im a boxer)) Its so hard but i now know that my feelings for her are stronger than that. This doesn't mean that i am not gonna date or get it on, hell i already have a bunch a times, but i just dont think i could ever feel this way about anyone else, or want to. SHe was my first love and they say that is the hardest one to get over because it is a blind path. I don't want to give up on her or the thought that we could rekindle in the future. Course of action?
Nikita20 Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 I'm on that same crazy boat and it is one hellacious ride. My ex dumped me in August and just last month I found out that he is seeing someone else. It just kills me because now I know the door is finally closed. And, it hurts like hell. I try to keep busy, go out with my friends, etc. I try to remain positive and put on a happy face, but the reality is I'm so sad and feel so alone. Each day I wake up, I think of him and the beautiful love we had that just got flushed down the toilet. He wanted to marry me, have children and now it all comes to this. Why in the hell did this have to happen? I just don't understand. I want answers. I feel like I don't have any closure because he never really explained to me what happened. I'm sticking with NC to heal and move on. But, lately, I've been very close to contacting him. I miss him and love him so much. I often question the NC route, because I don't want to let this go. It is so damn hard. However, I just keep telling myself he is the one who dumped me. If he wants me back he will have to contact me. Otherwise, I have to move on whether I like it or not.
Avarice Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 CantDecide - She's not as happy as you think she is, believe me. It's easy to talk yourself into thinking that they're handling their **** just fine, that because they got a new man that everything's cool, but thats just not the way it works. If it was, you'd be happy with your new girl(s). I've heard from a lot of people that the only way you really get over this is to find somebody new, so I think you're right about that. I live in NYC, so it's actually easier to find someone to sleep with than find someone to have a relationship with, although both are surprisingly hard with 8 million people on an island. I turned down some easy ass a few times because I "wasn't ready", and it turns out that at the same time my ex hooked up with the first midget alchoholic that rolled in front of her. So don't I feel like a jackass. AltplanB - I used to box; if you don't live in an apt. get a heavy bag and you can pour all this **** into that. If you really want her back, then you should probably try for it, even if it's doomed. I did, just because I didn't want to look back in a year or two and wonder what would've happened if I didn't try. I actually realized, while trying to get her back, that I didn't really want her back (she's kind of a controlling bitch, though she's ****ing hot), I just wanted to go back to the last time I was happy, and that was when I was with her. Though it still messes with me, things got better when i realized that. It's your call, but you lose the option to try to start things up again when she does move on. And by the way, get ready for that, because as much as things suck now, they'll get way worse when you have a name and face that she's dating; when she's actually sleeping with someone new and not just in your head. You sound similar to me, in that you'll have to resist the urge to go wreck the new guy when you find out about him, I have to avoid the new guy for a while now because I'm worried about what I'll do if I see him, knowing he's balls-deep in my ex.
scobro Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 how do i stop these visions in my head of her having sex with him. I think every guy who ever got dumped goes through this
In Sync Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 I think every guy who ever got dumped goes through this And every girl. It's a gut wrenching thought picturing someone you've loved and been with having sex with another. The mind can wreck you with those images. But let's realize we are feeling that way because we are comparing ourselves with some imaginary image. Of course if you've actually seen the other in person yeah you have a face to go with the ugly image...still, I think it hurt me most because I was comparing myself and thoughts of "I was not good enough" were underneathe it all. All very self damaging to my ego thoughts. I'm still hot as I am sur you are too so let those destructive ideas go. You are the winner in this picture because if someone doesn't appreciate us WHY CONTINUE TO WORSHIP THEM OR CARE ABOUT WHO THEY ARE WITH? No one is as special as you are. And they are too dumb to realize that.
Painwraith Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 Yeah I know these feelings. I tried to get back with my ex but she strung me along then as soon as she found someone new she dropped me like a sack of spuds. that was two weeks ago and it hurt like hell, thinking of them together rips me up inside and I dont know what to do. However in the last few days things have gotten easier for me because I began to look a things from a different perspective.. is she actually really happy? well in my view she is going through the honeymoon period of a new relationship, give it a few months and all the old issues she has will slowly leak out again because she associates all her issues with otherpeople rather than looking at herself. Remember guy if a relationship fails always look at yourself objectively and try to focus on the cold hard truth, itll help you get over it. For instance I am the nicest guy imaginable, I would do anything for anyone and am quick to forgive and forget in most situations, when I go out with people I treat them like gold, I buy them drinks, take them to restaurants buy them great gifts on birthdays and christmas and support them in anything they want to do. My flaws are that sometimes I am not as romantic as I could be, I should buy more flowers and small gifts etc and spend a little more time away from work or playing games to be with my partner, a little less of the beer at weekends also would be better (im not an alcoholic but I do like a few beers at the weekend). When I have down moments I look at who I am and realise that I am a nice guy and I deserve to be with someone who is decent. then I feel better and it comes across to those around me. always look at your up points and your flaws equally. my Ex doesnt and she will fall into the same problems, again and again and again unless she is lucky.... whos the better person? and do use NC it helps alot.
Author CantDecide... Posted November 28, 2005 Author Posted November 28, 2005 thank you everybody for all the replies there helping a lot, and FYE i do havea face with her new man. u know and im not evan sure if there actually Bf-Gf or just together. all i know is the guy my ex is dating, his ex gf told me by axcident last night nd said hey did u hear about ***** and ***, how there dating. im just so confused people are telling me if i tryulkly love her tell her how i feel? evan if that means getting just compeltly hurt cuz ulle always wonder what could have been. I want to tell her i relize there will be pain, but what if. i dont think there official yet. what would u guys do if u already feel shes the one that got away, leave her alone, or tell her how i feel the doorway for comunication is open, what would u do.
AltplanB Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 yea i should really get that heavy bag because i keep putting holes in the walls and covering them with posters. I told her that i was going to make changes for the better and that all i wanted from her was the openness to watch me change and give thought to a possible future someday. She turned me down. On top of that, she did it coldly. Everytime i talked to her, i asked for less from her and each time she turned me down. The reason this is so hard for me is that i didn't do anything wrong, she just felt that we didn't mesh. Now shes dating others and i am in the dust. Ive got dates lined up and **** but all i want is her back. IVe slept around and all i want is her back. All my tactics of happiness, over powering feelings, and caring...have all failed. SHe loved me, dropped me, then never looked back. Makes me feel like she was lying to me all along. Personally, i would rather believe that she was lying to me then she actually fell out of love with me. I think if love is true, ther is nothing that can break it. That is why i feel she lied. You can't tell someone that if your not absolutely, positively 100% sure because if dump them, you didn't have ability to have your love conquer all. A dismal appeal but it makes me feel better.
Author CantDecide... Posted November 30, 2005 Author Posted November 30, 2005 so the ex got a hold of me...she doesnt have a bf???? there not together, suposedly the other girl lied to me and a lot of other people. what the hell? so yea thought id share that, i asked her to cofee, next week, yup next week ill be at day 1 all over again, i know i know. i gota tell her how i feel. the kid she hooked up with in front of me like really wants us to talk and was like the way u guys talk about eachother, i dunno im crazy but im doing it, any adive for me? bring tissues for afterwards??? lol..
Avarice Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 Be prepared, but don't plan out what you're going to say. You want to have an idea, and I'm sure you're already going over the conversation again and again in your head, but you don't want to walk in there with a script. Just be honest, and you'll say what you need to say. Also, be ready for the possible rejection, because as you said, you'll be putting yourself back at square one. But good luck, what you're doing takes balls, so if nothing else be proud of yourself for doing it. And yes, expect to need to drink afterwards
Painwraith Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 Ok Advice time, been here done it. did it wrong. Talk to her normally but ensure in a nice way you dont wish to know about any details of her lovelife even if what that girl said was rubbish. bear in mind you cannot trust anything you ex says at this point because she may be doing this to get you back, she has to prove herself as honest first. When you meet up with her do not talk about your previous relationship if you can help it, if there are still unresolved issues you may end up getting into an argument over it or get angry which will drive them away. Before you meet up think long and hard about what you want out of this meeting: closure? - you are unlikely to get it and may come out worse than you are now with the wounds you have closed up reopened. Explinations? - again you are unlikely to get this unless you are very lucky... Reconciliation? - are you sure you want it? after all this? Make sure you know what you will talk about before you go, try to leave emotional chat that will upset you out of it, people dont like to be backed into corners and when they do often they will fight back because they feel threatened. Avarice has some good points, as he says scripts are a bit useless because you never know what exactly will happen in the conversation. Ensuring you know what you want to talk about and not allowing muc else to get in the way is the key. Good luck and as avarice says be prepared for an emotional moment after. we are here for you so dont worry... Pain
Author CantDecide... Posted December 1, 2005 Author Posted December 1, 2005 you now i really havent evan thought about the convo. whats the point. whats ment to happen is ment to happen. i really dont evan now what im going to say. i plan on having a bottle of something aorund ust in case, anda few friends ready lol. i really dont expect to get far. and i now the whole bacing into a corner thing thats what i wont do...but yea i have no script or anything..im ust gonna go with the flow of the convo. its reallythe only thing i can do. all i now is im going to mae myself loo better then shes ever seen b4. lol
In Sync Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 CantDecide... Can I back up here and ask you some questions. Did she break it off from you? And how long ago? Who initiated this coffee-chat get together...I mean how did that come up in conversation? Plus when are you getting together for this?
Author CantDecide... Posted December 1, 2005 Author Posted December 1, 2005 she broke up with me, but it wasnt a planned break up....ajor fight, and she just said **** this...i initiated the coffe chit chat, and shes like i dunno is it a good idea, where do we stand??
In Sync Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 she broke up with me, but it wasnt a planned break up....ajor fight, and she just said **** this...i initiated the coffe chit chat, and shes like i dunno is it a good idea, where do we stand?? hmmm, how and when did this major fight go down? And this was her reaction to the coffee offer "she doesn't know if its a good idea?" was this her sentiment? how old is she?/you?
Author CantDecide... Posted December 1, 2005 Author Posted December 1, 2005 im 18, shes 17...shes like is there anything else any1 said u want me to clarify...since that girl lied to me, and was like no, but i got a question, how bout cofee, and shes like i dunno **** where do we stand..is it a good idea? but said listen i really g2g well talk later ok. i never imed her again...it was duely my turn she iemd me the last 3 times
In Sync Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 Please don't take what I am about to write as being patronizing. Absolutely not. But here it goes. You are both young people. You fell in love with a girl who is at a stage in her life where falling in and out of love quickly is almost part of the course of life. I did at 17 and most did everyone at that age. Yes you are in love and your heart was broken. AND you think she is the only girl for you. This is beautiful but it is also part of your growning process to learn to let go. It is almost pointless for me to say that you will meet more young women down the road with whom you will fall madly in love again, because you are at the beginning of this journey call life and you WILL MEET HUNDREDS OF GIRLS IN YOUR LIFETIME. Now as for this particular one, I can only wish that all goes well after this meeting, but keep in my as you open your heart...ask yourself this question. Why do I want to make her responsible for my happiness? Why do I want to give my fragile heart to her, knowing that I am placing it in the hands of someone who already "dumped me." Hmmm?
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