angel0912 Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 I guess I'm not really sure what type of advice I'm looking for- I guess I just need to get this off my chest and my friends can't seem to understand why I haven't moved on or done something... My ex-broke up with me nearly 3 months ago...we had been together about 4 months, but it was nothing serious initally. He broke up with me after I got upset about him not spending enough time and flipped out on him and then tried to include him in everything- when what he was asking for was space. I feel like it was my fault, and it probably was- but my emotions weren't really based on what he was doing, but on baggage from a past relationship that I hadn't realized I was still holding on to and still holding on to and still angry about. I am acutally really happy we broke up- because it helped me to realize a lot of things about myself and gave me the opportunity to see and handle them. While I am not totally the person I want to be- I am definitely aware of a lot of things I found as faults- some with relationships and some just personal. Regardless, we have stayed good friends since the "break" which I just assumed to be a breakup. We never talk about "us" and never have...I guess we just kinda let things go. I initally was in a sad remorseful "i want you back" stage- and then moved to the "at least you are in my life as a friend"- and from there I got to the "well, i guess im kinda over it". . . but I have never seemed to get past the "we didn't give it the chance that it deserved" mentality. I no longer cry. I still think about how things were, how happy I was- but I don't want the summer romance. I want to try things again, on different terms more suitable to our every day lives. I think about him constantly and want to be with him more. It's not the type of wanting where I think we would be perfect for each other, or where I even feel that things would last forever- but it's something that I can't help but thinking deserves a chance- to know that I could have that kind of happiness with someone- it seems a waste to give it up when it didn't even feel like an honest break in the first place. I am of the impression that he got scared when I flipped out- and didn't want to be a full time "with my girlfriend all the time" type of boyfriend. It was my fault for expecting that- it was a change from the summer where we spent every day together, and it was all i knew how to do from a past long term relationship- I wasn't really ready then to be in a relationship (he wanted it). I have gotten advice from all over saying that I need to tell him and talk about the situation and my feelings- but honestly I'm scared. I am scared that I am wrong about all of it- about my feelings on why we broke up, about why he continues to hang out with me, about the moments I feel like we just look at each other differently from "friends". The next two weeks are super intense with law school finals- therefore, even if I choose to say anything it wouldn't be until mid-december. But what do I say? What if he tells me that he doesn't want to give it a chance? Will it hurt as bad as the first time? Is there any other way?
StArGaZeR Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 but my emotions weren't really based on what he was doing, but on baggage from a past relationship that I hadn't realized I was still holding on to and still holding on to and still angry about. Have you ever told him that? Did you apologize for taking things too quick and expecting him to "act" or "be" a certain way? I can't speak for him, but if I were in your situation, I would make sure he knows that you've realized why you acted the way you did, and that you're sorry for it, and that right there should get a response out of him. If he seems the least bit interested he should "bite" on the fact that you're sharing your feelings with him, that way you can let him know how you feel without directly asking him for another chance. Pay attention to his body language once you drop it in a conversation. Most likely he will a)smile and seem as though you're finally beginning to understand his side, or b)he no longer has an interest in you in that way. You should do this in person sometime, in a non-threatening environment, and bring it up subtlely. For example you could tell him how great it's been getting to know him lately, then as if it were out of nowhere, drop in a line like "I wonder where we would be now if I weren't so dumb and put pressure on you back then......", or something to that degree. I'm sure you can figure out when and where would be the best time. Be careful, though, and if he doesn't give you some type of indication that he's interested, just let it be. He's the man, he should have realized by now as you guys being friends that you have realized those things, sometimes we just need a kick in the butt to get it started. Good luck
lamento Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 Don't apologise for something you truthfully wanted and deserved - if it didn't work because you wanted different things you are not to blame - he made a decsion to also pursue you in the relationship but also didn't put enough effort into it.. whether he could or not at the time is also not your fault - you didn't force him into being with you..
Author angel0912 Posted November 28, 2005 Author Posted November 28, 2005 Lamento i know that i didn't force him into being with- but how do i let him know that i am looking for a different relationship and want to try things differenty WITH HIM....?????
lamento Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 that should be easy - he just has to play ball - you have to get him to agree to see you and talk - sniff around and see where you stand - don't loose your dignity by blurting it all out and maybe even tell him slowly over some time - it does help to see each other and not do all of this in e-mails and text messages - even on the phone - they chemistry that played before has to go into action again and that only happens face to face - it's a tough one - I've been working my butt off the last two months on the same issues - probably best once you have everything.. and I mean everything off you chest to step back and let nature do it's thing.. he'll definately be thinking about it one way or another
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