first time love shack post/need advice and wisdom

[southpawslugger]

Just want to thank everyone in advance for taking time to read this. I've seen people write long posts, and surprisingly, a lot of people still read on and replied. So that makes me feel better about being able to say what Ihave to say here. Ill try my best not to bore you and hit the key points.

 

Ok, Im 25. I met a girl,turning 24 soon)at the beginning of the year whom we started out as friends but eventually moved to dating (which lasted roughly 5 mths). We spent a lot of time with one another fairly early, which is how we became more serious quicker....She had a ex bf(a**h*** I call him and youll see why later) with whom she was with about 9mths and engaged to, but that broke off last summer. She had kept a contact with this guy off and on apparently before we met and through the friendship phase and beyond. It seemed that after a couple of mths she wanted to to focus more with a relationship with me. While we were together everything seemed to be going great. We communicated a lot, with her telling me how I was great romantically as well as sexually, 'best of both worlds' as she put it, since her prev. relationship there wasnt much of any affection, etc. Her mom saw how happy she was and noticed a change for the better in her. Well, a couple of weeks before it ended between us, she started acting different. Closed off, unaffectionate, an outright bitch sometimes to be honest. She would say she was going to hang out with her buddies but would never allow me to go. I started to put it all together eventually, and she finally gave me the Dear John letter saying she recently realized she still had feelings for this guy that it wouldnt be right to drag me on anymore. We spoke for a while that night, a very dreadful conversation. She could never say anything wrong about me though, that I was a great bf, etc.(ha....) I tried to swallow my pride and talk on a very limited cordial basis but I only became more bitter and angry, which wasnt right. The last time we made contact, she sent me a message saying she chooses ____, to not call or text her anymore, that we can be friends. so I said, ok, your loss.

 

Her mom and I had kept in touch and we talked a lot about things with whats going on with her. This guy is not a very good guy. To put it into perspective: he hasnt had a license in quite a while(DUI, jail??), has cost her a lot in bad credit, gets very jealous when she talks to any of her friends(mom said he got P.O. when she saw her close buddy on his crotch rocket and waved), he came with her to moms with no tshirt on, nipple rings, and no shoes, has gone thru her cell and called her a whore in front of her mom, is an alcoholic, and it appears from what mom says that he has been abusive, although I was never told by the girl. The girl's dad had a history of drinking(has gotten clean), one of her best friends is a borderline alcoholic. She hasnt been close to her dad in a while, since he lives across the country with his new family and stepkids. The girl's sister(Whom dad favored a lot) and husband live near there. The mom is now living in another state too. So right now, this girl has no family near, very few friends if any, and this guy, whom trys to hold her down and make her rely on him.

 

Well, 2 mths passed....last Sat. I get an IM from her, asking if i was here. I said yes. she asked if i hated her, and so I reminded her of the last thing she said. she said that she was sorry and she will only hurt me, all she did was hurt me. etc. I told her its been 2 mths and asked what did she want. she said she needed a friend, she needed someone. I told her to talk to one of friends, and the a-hole, and she told me she rarely gets to talk to one friend anymore and the other, whom was her best friend roommate, wasnt doing his end on rent and had been drinking a lot, so he moved out. She said I dont expect you to help me or forgive me but I just need someone to listen. I said, Ill listen, but dont expect any compassion or the like. She gave me this "i deserve this for having hurt you' pity. I asked why she is talking to me, and her mom said that other than that a-hole, there is someone here who cares about me and said to call me, and she said becasue she loved me once, she thought she could try to talk to me. On the phone, she was crying for the first five min, first telling me how sorry she was for treating me like she did. she was saying that she didnt know if she was ready for that(?), she didnt think she could make me happy and she wasnt happy b/c of that, etc, so I said you ran the other way. she said yes and i dont know if my heart will leave there( a place where she told me a long time ago she knew was unhealthy). she asked about me and if i had been dating, and i said yes ive been on some dates. after having talked she later left a message thanking me for talking to her. she called 2 nights later and left a message wanting to meet me for food so she wouldnt have to eat alone. I didnt call back and i explained to her the next day why. i didnt think i was ready for that, that it was too soon, etc, and reminded her of what she said about her needing to grow up a lot more, that ive had time to figure out why she is how she is, why she does what she does, etc, but she needed to figure those things out. I found out that also this a-hole of hers may move in with her in the apt.

 

Ok, so this situation is probably the toughest Ive ever faced. One of my characteristic flaws(one that she and I happen to share) is I am a little forgiving and try to be understanding when I shouldnt be sometimes. But, I also feel like she has no good influences nearby and she needs someone like me, who has dealt with the ****ty family life but is a strong person with a good future who has a good head on his shoulders. She's a good person but is a big mess right now. Sometimes I feel my head says leave it be and move on but my heart tells me to be there when called upon (but to be cautious too).

 

I really apologize for being so lengthy, but wanted you to get the clear picture. How should I approach this? I'm hoping any of you reading can give me a perspective or wisdom Ive not come across yet. Thanks

[trone]

South,

 

I understant you very well. I am also kinda person who can not keep hatred. I can forget almost anything and pity!

 

I know your heart is still with this girl but if you do not want to be even more hurt in the future, I guess you should be away from her. Right now she does not have anyone around her that is why she needs you. She did not call you during last 2 months bec she had people around her. She will prob do the same thing if she finds someone else. You should move on find a new relationship! Sorry to say that but she is not good/good enough for you.

[malachai]

honestly, after reading your post, i don't think you could have handled it any better. you made it known when she called you after 2 months that everything was not just back to "normal". you asked why she contacted you instead of her friends. you didn't respond back to her when she asked you out to eat, because you weren't ready for it. you know where you stand, and staying in unnecessary contact with her right now is probably not a good idea for you

 

if she really needs support right now, and you're the only one who can do that (which I find highly suspect), then yeah, you might help her out temporarily, until she can find some real help. but i do agree with trone in that she probably is just alone right now and she thought of you. it sounds like you're pretty level-headed, so i think you would probably know that better than we would.

[omegaRED]

Aye, i agree with the others. I`m also a forgiving person, but everyone has a threshhold.

 

I really doubt you are the only person she has right now. Even if that were the case, it was her choice to leave you for him. So... She has to live with the consequences. I too feel bad when i see someone hurting and i can help, and i`ve done it a million times in the past, at my own expense. But everyone has to learn that their actions have consequences. One being that you won`t be there when the grass isn`t greener on the other side.

 

So as much as you are hurting and wanting to help, this is the time you should be selfish and think about YOU only. If you go and maintain contact, you`re heading into a world of hurt. Realistically, what are the chances of you two ending together? What`s to stop her next time? How can you get over the fact that she left you for another man? You will gain absolutely nothing, because your feelings are not platonic, but romantic. So just stay away. Be nice and friendly, but tell her that everyone has to face the consequences of their actions, and that you are protecting yourself. She`ll understand.