B/f wants a break over "love".

[E90Kitz721]

My 5hr away LD b/f of one year just asked for a break. Things seemed to be going downhill when our 1st anniversary was approaching because he said it bothered him that we're not in love yet, or that neither of us had said "I love you" yet. He felt himself distancing from me because it's abnormal for two people to not be in love after a year. I finally told him that I wanted to tell him about 4months ago but I chickened out because I didn't think he felt the same way (which I now regret not doing). He said he felt he was getting close to me but it seemed like the "window" for us to fall in love has passed. I asked him would things have been different if I said I love you 4mon ago, he said maybe. We're both pretty passive people when it comes to relationships, so for the longest time, we were waiting for reassurance from the other person. But it doesn't mean I don't have a lot of feelings for him.

 

Is there such a thing as a "window of opportunity" for two to fall in love? I know he's going through a lot of stress right now with other changes in his life, so I'm hoping he'll sort things out. Now that it comes down to this point, I don't know what to do. I know the right thing to do is to wait and let him have time to think. I feel helpless and scared of the possibility that he'll drift away forever from this "break" because I told him how I felt too late.

 

If you've been in similar situations before or have advise about what else to do, please help me cope with this. Thank you.

[LifeBound]

Hmm.

First i just want to say that i can relate to how your character / passive demeanor can hinder the progress of a healthy relationship. For years I was real quiet about my feelings, and a lot of time i voiced them to late. It tended to cause a lot of confusion between me and a few partners i had, as to where we stood. A lot of people are like that for many different reasons. The first area that I think it's important to focus on is why both of you are like that (if you don't know how to go about doing this, feel free to ask). It isn't necessarily a bad thing to be quiet and passive to eachother, but it can definitely slow or even stop the growth of your relationship. This is heavily b/c not having everything out on the table, and not fully talking with eachother and understanding one another will only lead to major problems later on. If you have any doubt about this, go to the marraige section on this or any site. You might think i am off on a tangent. But clearly, you think your passive nature has something to do with your dilemma, and indeed it does, but at the moment it has only caused a minor ripple.

 

"He felt himself distancing from me because it's abnormal for two people to not be in love after a year"

 

This is the statement that seriously bothers me. First off, before love, should come friendship. In my opinion, "love" cannot come before friendship. If you say it does, the love isn't real. A horse that comes over and licks me can be labed as 'love'. I can call anything i want 'love', but people are infamous for making up false realities. If you both don't enjoy eachothers company, and don't generally have a great time with eachother, before the thought of a potential family life even comes into picture, well then perhaps your just together out of fear of being alone? I am not saying that is the case, but it is important to ask yourself these questions. Especially if the person you're with feels distanced b/c of something so pety as not saying 'i love you'. Love is a way of life, not a phrase. So many people miss that b/c it is incomprehendable to them, or maybe it sounds to religious and therefore to 'out there'. but, it is important to express it in words non-the-less. something you both have failed to do.

If you got along extremely well and had this love, he would be scared to lose you, not eager to run off b/c you both missed the mark to tell eachother. Sounds ridiculous to me at first glance.

 

as for your real question. No, there is no such window for falling in love. When it happens, it happens. Your boyfriend probably has a worried mind, and he worries himself into irrational decisions about his life. No biggie there, I do it all the time. The problem is found in not realizing you do it, and let it control major life decisions.

 

Clearly you have feelings for him. That is a good thing. Best case scenario, is that he has the same feelings for you, but they are just trapped behind his lips. If it wasn't for my present girlfriend, I would still have the same problem. She was keen to pick up that i had this 'problem', and she tried her best to give me the settings to share my feelings with her. It was slow going at first, but over the course of a year or two (yes, it took that long), i learned to willingly share more and more with her. Now, I probably say more then i should of what is on my mind, and now i have to learn to shut up

Point is --> there is hope. But sometimes people can't do it by themselves.

What better way to bond with someone you love then to show them how to express themselves better, and in the process you both learn about eachother and yourselves.

Also as a warning. As a woman, you might feel closer to this person b/c he does need this help in expressing his feelings. You see it as your duty, b/c he loves you, and you need to show him and make him realize, etc, etc. Fair warning. Don't be a martyr and waste half your life trying to get something out of someone that will never be drawn out, b/c it might not have been there in the first place.

Woman have a great strength and it is love, woman also have a major weakness and it is love .... i felt that appropriate giving what i suggested might needed to be done.

 

also, don't think it is Always a guys responsibility to give the woman reassurance in every situation. If anything, woman are better intuned with their feelings and can see things clearer. A lot of men stumble with their feelings, show them how not to, and they can walk extremely upright and carry you pretty far.

 

Sorry if you didn't want a long response. I never believe in the 'what' of a problem, i try to see the 'why'. Never fails..

 

hope this helps

Sal

[E90Kitz721]

Sal, thank you for taking time to write this. I actually needed a long response. It helps me look into a lot of different aspects of my relationship. We were actually LD friends for a yr before we got in a relationship. We always enjoyed each other's company when we see each other every three weeks, we both admit that the other person makes us want to be a better person, and we are able to talk through problems, except this one.

 

The thing now is, I really don't know if he claims that he's not in love because he really isn't or that he just hasn't acknowledged these feelings. He said yesterday "Let's just be friends now and try not to contact each other as much, and see if we can start over, even though it's probably not possible to totally start over... Maybe I need to not talk to you to realize if my life is better with you in it." Then today, he text messaged me good morning and asked me how my day was at noon. I haven't responded him all day. It hurts too much to be "just friends" with him. Just when I'm willing to acknowledge my feelings and wear my heart on my sleeve, he pushes me away. Yet he sends out these mixed signs. I thought females were the ones who send out mixed signals all the time. I also don't want to give in without some major realization for changes and have the same negative pattern repeat itself.

 

I keep asking myself "why" this has come to this point when everything seemed great, but I don't understand. It frustrates me if this relationship doesn't work out because of some intangible inexplicable reason. Sometimes I feel like maybe the long distance is taking a toll on us.

 

Now I want to know, should I talk to him or does the silent treatment work in letting him realize what he has?

 

Thanks for all the help.

[LifeBound]

ehh.. talking to him vs not talking to him. You got me stumped. How can you tell which is the better choice... *shrugs*. Some of it is strategy, some if it is luck on how he interprets it.

 

If you just decide to ignore him, he can either 1. take it as a hint and just stay away from you b/c he thinks you hate him, 2. notice how much he needs and cares about u (if he does), 3. Think to himself that your really a b*tch, and not want to talk to you

If i've left out a possibility, i welcome the correction, its 2am and my mind is on counting sheep.

 

Best and probably the most responsible thing to do would be to decide the reasons why you think it would be better to not talk to him, and then talk to him and give him the reasons that you'll be staying away. Maybe even throw in a few of your relationship philosophies on how you guys need to work together, and then even say how it used to be compared to what it is now. Because a lot of times, the way u see it , isn't how they see it. So at least show him your angle on it. The rest is up to fate i guess.

 

he might have found another girl who caught his fansy and he is confused... who knows? ... not trying to be negative, just honest. crap like that seriously makes a guy question a lot of things.

 

hope everything works out

[E90Kitz721]

I'm pretty sure that another girl is out of the question. I think it has more to do with the fact that he has so much going on in his life that need organizing that he can't focus on our relationship and everything just seems negative when he's already in that mode.

 

And I found out yesterday that he's #1 type; I ignored his text msgs and he decided to ignore mine later on. I know this childish game is really pointless and I'm ready to take the initiative. He actually texted me today and asked if I would visit him this weekend (we planned a visit this weekend a while ago before all this happened), so I replied and said YES, because I do want to see him. I'm going up to sort things out with him and I hope things work out better in person. I'll swallow my pride try to be supportive. I just am not sure if I should continue to pour my heart out or cut back on the mushy talk and be more "casual". Wish me luck...

 

Thanks

[E90Kitz721]

...with me last week. He said he feels strongly about staying friends so he can figure some things out. Then the next night he called and asked if I wanted to fly there to visit for New Year's and do things like we planned a while ago. The next night we talked online and he was in a bad mood. After then we haven't really talked much; he hasn't contacted me except a brief email at work. I just don't get it. Is there someone else? Should I confront him about it at all and make him explain to me this weird behavior or would that just piss him off and drive him away? I don't understand this running hot and cold.

 

He's supposed to come down to visit in 2 weeks, and from the last time I heard, he still is coming, and he said we'll talk about whether to be friends or more then. But if he doesn't even bother to call, why should I see him if what he wants is to move on. It seems like he doesn't even care that he broke my heart. If that's the case, I want a closure and get things out of my chest.