wise_up Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 My Husband & I have been together for 29yrs. When we were dating, we had a few breakups, fights, etc. One time when we were broken up for a couple of weeks, I went out with the girls from work, had a few drinks (I wasn't totally drunk!) and accepted a lift home from a guy who was there. He worked for another company that our company dealt with, so I felt somewhat safe. On the way home, we had sex. I don't remember how it came about or why, this was definately not my normal character. I have never cheated before or since. My husband (boyfriend of 3 yrs at the time) always said to me that if I ever slept with anyone while we were split up, he would never take me back. So I didn't tell him. Well it has now come out (by mistake) and I feel really bad. He says my behaviour was that of a s@#t. And I guess it was. I don't even remember any details now. It was important to him, and I lied, and kept the lie. Now we have been married for 23 yrs & have 4 children. I feel like I robbed him. I don't think there is anything I can say or do to make things better now. Any advice would be appreciated.
Milo Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 Well, all you can do now is let it pass. How did it slip out anyway?
Author wise_up Posted November 28, 2005 Author Posted November 28, 2005 We were talking one night, and he said his mate told him that his wife was a virgin when they met. He told his mate that I had only 2 men. (The things guys talk about), well I thought he meant 2 men besides him, he meant him & my previous boyfriend. So I thought I must have told him earlier on sometime. So when he started talking about faithfulness (he has been unfaithful) I said 'yes once, but we were split up' It was just the way the conversation went, and the way things were said, I got confused. Now it's playing on my conscience and his. It's a pretty bad lie to keep in a marriage. He also admitted to being unfaithfull with 9 ONS, and kept it for 20 yrs. But he said mine is worse, because it was first. And he would not have come back if he knew. When we argue about it, I can never get past the fact that, yes, I did lie first.
Milo Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 I'm not entirely sure lying about being unfaithful is as bad as actually doing the deed. Since both of you have done it, and it was an ungodly long time ago, then I don't see why you couldn't both call it even and move on. He really has nothing to lord over you, after all. In any case, sorry it happened in the first place.
Author wise_up Posted November 28, 2005 Author Posted November 28, 2005 My dilemma is this, The first time he cheated, I was in hospital having our fist child. There were 8 after this. He doesn't let me release enough anger about this, because everytime something is brought up, he goes back to the 'you lied first' thing. So he won't ever see his cheating as bad as it would normally be. I do love him, but I feel I deserve to be able to get angry about what he did. Cheating while your wife's in hospital is pretty bad in anyone's books. But now I'm the one feeling bad & frustrated.
Craig Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 Maybe you lied first, BUT he didn't know that and he cheated anyway.
bigbrowneyes Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 Of course he doesn't give you a chance to be angry. That would justify the fact that what he did was absolutely WRONG. I agree with Craig, maybe you did lie first but he was totally unaware that you lied and he STILL cheated...9 times!! That's crazy. And now he will probably use the excuse that you lied to justify his continued infidelilty. Sorry you have to deal with a man like this. There is no excuse for a married man to step outside his committed relationship especially when children are involved.
JayKay Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 You know what? I think he LOVES that now he has an excuse for his horrible behavior. Everytime you want to discuss it, he can throw your incident in your face. It actually sounds like you both have a lot of anger towards each other. Perhaps that's why you 'accidentally' let it slip. Maybe on some level you wanted him to know what it felt like to get cheated on.
Moai Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 You didn't cheat on him, no matter how he rationalizes it. If you were spit up, you should be able to do whatever you want with whomever you want. Saying that if you were with anyone else while you were on a break would make him leave you is the most insecure, double-standard bulls**t I have ever heard. And as for the "you lied first" thing, that is totally meaningless. What difference does it make? It isn't as if he made it easy for you to tell him. Besides, you were on a break, so it isn't any of his business. And if he has cheated on you eight times, he is abusive and an a**ho;e and I ama amazed you put up with it for 29 years! And telling a friend of his your sexual history? What a jerk. Men don't act like that--believe me, I am one. How do you know that you lied first? Just because he says so? I wouldn't trust that guy as far as I could throw him. But, you married him and you have stayed with him, so you must be used to this lame crap by now. I hope that you can get past it just for the sake of peace of mind, but if it were me I wouldn't feel guilty at all if I were you, and if my significant other tried to make me feel gilty about it, I'd tell them where to get off.
Author wise_up Posted November 28, 2005 Author Posted November 28, 2005 Thank you all so much for your input. You are all right in some ways. He probably does love it that he now feels justified in cheating. And he probably was an a@#$ole, Truthfully, I didn't know I was putting up with crap. I was naive & gullible. I absolutely trusted him. I wish I could afford Marriage Couselling. We'll see how things go the next few weeks. Thank you again.
gilbert Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 I was wondering why you feel bad? Do you really feel this way? After all, he has cheated on you more than once. I agree with the post about the fact that you guys were broke up at the time you were suppost to have cheated. But I don't think I would have told him about it either (for 20 yrs.) It was really none of his business. Esp. when he tells other men how many guys you have had sex with. That's crap. I have been married for 23 yrs, so I know its hard to leave when someone is treating you so badly. Don't let him beat you with this. So you didn't tell him, so what?
Craig Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 Another point, you lied to him (but didn't cheat), he lied to you and he cheated on you.
sylviaguardian Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 I wouldn't feel too bad about having had a ONS if I knew that my husband had had nine and that one was when I was in hospital having just had HIS child. That sucks, to say the least.
whichwayisup Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 Now it's playing on my conscience and his. It's a pretty bad lie to keep in a marriage. He also admitted to being unfaithfull with 9 ONS, and kept it for 20 yrs. But he said mine is worse, because it was first. And he would not have come back if he knew. Each of you lied and did something...it's more or less the same thing and honestly he needs to get over it. It's SO in the past and not been an issue. Either make a big deal about it - Go to marriage counselling and fix things or both of you should end it. Pointing fingers and blaming who did this and this is worse and blahblahblah won't help at all. It's fixing time...I hope things get fixed, you've both been married too long now to end it.
Author wise_up Posted November 29, 2005 Author Posted November 29, 2005 Gilbert, Ifeel bad because sleeping with a guy on the way home is very bad behaviour. I feel like my character has a black mark on it. There is still the old double standard that it's okay for guys, but the girls are s#$ts if they do it. And this was 1979. BUT, I must admit that I am angry that now I don't seem to have 'leverage' with him. To, whichway is up, yes we have been married too long to end it, I have grown to love this man over 29 yrs. BUT, my illusion of him has been shattered. Now I am going through the do I love THIS man, who cheated on me so much. It's hard to just stop loving someone instantly. I just don't know the right words to say to make him understand that mine was nothing compared to his. (Short of bluffing him with leaving)
Marcus33 Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 Wise up... Tell your husband to grow up.A man with 9 ONS Shuldent be talking... That you ware first, its just a guilt trip on you Take care
michelangelo Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 You both did bad things, neither excuses the other You are right to feel badly about screwing some guy on the way home. Yes, it was sleazy. However, your bad behavior that time does not give your H a pass for his own crappy behavior. His conducting 9 affairs over the years has exposed you to STDs and totally undermined the trust in your marriage. You confessing to that infidelity all those years ago didn't just slip out. I think you were trying to zing him for his behavior. Whatever the motivation you two can't move forward without addressing all of the infidelity honestly and find a foundation to rebuilt trust.
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