She cheated with my best friend!

[JayZ]

Yup, the title says it all. My wife of 10 years whom I believed to happily married too, cheated on me with my best friend. I've known my best friend for over 10 years and he has been an important part of my life as well as my wife's (more important than I thought). The problem started 2 months ago when I was out with my wife and he and his wife. After several drinks, I looked under the table and noticed that she was rubbing his leg with her foot. I slapped her foot and stormed off... she played dumb. As our conversations/crying sessions went on, I asked her if she had slept with him. Of course she said no. I then asked him... of course he said no, "how could I even think of that." Since that time, we went on a trip and really became much closer. The trip really gave us time to be together and not have to worry about our 5 year old daughter and all the other day to day activities. It really gave us time to work on us.

 

Before I had left on the trip, I decided to put spyware on our computer at home because I didn't feel comfortable about the entire situation. I slowly let my friend back into our lives and all was well and normal.

 

Then I checked the spyware log one day...

 

A six paragraph email about what she was going to do to him and what she was going to let him do to her the next time they got together. Talk about the feeling of not wanting to live... that was it, wrapped up in six tidy paragraphs of lust and come to find out later... love.

 

I confronted her about it yesterday and we talked and talked and talked. It had been going on for 1 1/2 years and they have been meeting at his apartment (on the same bed he sleeps on with his wife) about once a month in that 18 month span. I asked her if she had ever done anything like this with anyone else and she emphatically said no.

 

I then called my friend and asked to meet. We talked about it and he said that he loves me and loves her. He can't explain how much I mean to him (???? she says the same thing). I began to ask details to make sure she was telling me the truth... he basically told him that she had done this before. When I got home I confronted her.

 

She said yes, but only twice before and it was early in the marriage, with co-workers... that I knew.

 

She has always told me that I am the best husband in the world and quite frankly I believe it. I am always there for her and will do anything to make her happy.

 

To quote my wife in her email to my ex-best friend... "when I touch your skin I feel an electricity." I asked her about it and she said that it was the truth.

 

So far lots of info, but basically, without my daughter, I would have walked straight out the door and never looked back. Through our conversations it has become apparent that she has emotional issues with her childhood and never feeling good enough for me (BS? I don't know). Her parents divorced when she was my daughters age and ironically enough, so did my ex-best friends parents.

 

She said everything in the email was true... she loves him. But, she says that she loves me more and wants to be with me. I strongly believe that her affairs stem from childhood issues and a need for an excitement she can't get at home (chance of being caught, sneaking around, something I don't understand). I'm sure I've left out a lot, but I need support. I ALWAYS do the right thing... I'm always the voice of reason, but this time reason has escaped me.

 

Where do I start? She said that she is going to start seeing a psych next week to get her issues worked out. My issue is that I have to have 100% of her.

 

Thanks for listening.

[reservoirdog1]

Oh Jesus buddy... I'm sorry as hell to hear all that. Talk about a double betrayal.

 

I'm not sure what advice I can give you. I can tell you that I was in a similar situation. After seven years of marriage, XW broke down and confessed to many instances of infidelity, starting during the engagement and continuing within weeks of the wedding. Several more over the ensuing years. We have two kids. Fortunately, none of the OMs were close friends of mine (though I did consider them to be "friends" within the broader sense of the word).

 

In my case, the marriage ended, and I've spent the time since then cutting her out of my life as much as possible. Now, two years later, she means very little to me. The only things I miss are being in a relationship, and having the added security of two incomes. Both of which, however, aren't specific to her, and I can find them with another woman. Life right now is pretty good and getting better all the time. I've realized that I'm happier without her than I was with her.

 

I tell you that to remind you that, however crappy you feel now, there will be life after her (if it comes to that).

 

But for the time being, there are some things that must be done. Sad to say, but your best friend is no friend of yours. He betrayed you. You should cut him out of your life. And tell your wife that she is not to contact him, ever again.

 

Secondly, she needs to make herself completely accountable to you, 24/7. That means you get to see her phone records, emails, everything. Keep the keylogger on the PC. If she doesn't know it's there, don't tell her.

 

I know how I feel, given the fact that the cheating spanned my entire marriage. I feel like the whole thing was a lie. I feel like she defrauded me. I don't know if you feel the same or not. But you need to give serious consideration to whether or not you can stay with somebody who was willing to betray you so quickly after swearing vows to you in front of your friends and family.

 

Remember, the most important people to consider in all of this are you and your child. Your wife needs to work her ass off to fix what she desecrated. If she won't go NC with the OM and make herself accountable, well then, that's the answer.

 

Hang in there, brother...

[sylviaguardian]

Jay Z,

 

I hate to say this, but it sounds like you have been too accepting already.Your wife has cheated on you twice before and you seem to be OK with this. Then she cheats on you with your best friend for 1 1/2 years and you are looking for ways to excuse her behaviour. It might be down to some stuff that happened in her past but it also seems to be part of her character to cheat. To do such a s***ty thing shows that she hasn't really ver considered your feelings. The best thing you can do I think, is to let her know that you will not stand for this behaviour. Tell her that if she wants to keep her marriage, she is going to have to make sacrifices i.e. never see this man again or speak to him.

 

As for him, I think you know that 'friend' does not describe him. Does his wife know of the situation? I would think about telling her.You obviously love your wife but it seems that she thinks of you as a convenient safety net. I think its time you laid your cards on the table and let her know that the safety net is dependent upon how she treats you.

 

Syl

[whichwayisup]

You need to decide right now what is best for your daughter. The deal should be - Your wife gets herself into one on one therapy to deal with those childhood issues, and why it has made her cheat. She needs to resolve is, or atleast make an attempt to work through these problems, it seems it's what she knows and understands due to her upbringing and my fear is her passing that along to your daughter. She also has to end with him. Does he have a spouse? If so, does she know about their cheating? If not, tell her...She needs to know and that will stop the affair from continuing or starting up again.

 

Marriage counselling is a given.

 

I agree with Syl here, your wife needs to know that she will LOSE you if she still sees this guy...She can't keep seeing him while married to you. She has to decide or you decide for her. She knows you're there and a nice guy...maybe it isn't malicious but she is fully aware what she can/can't get away with and if its' excitement and a rush she's going for, well, what a place for her to be in now.

 

Hang in there and shield your daughter from this...She is the last person right now who needs to know what's going on.

[In Like Flynn]

I would tell his wife!!! She can be your biggest ally in keeping them apart. But the flip side is if the OM's wife would leave him, then its likely he may go after your wife. You know all the parties involved you can use that knowledge to make the best choice. The almost in your faceness of this affair especially after her being confronted about the footsy routine and then the email about what she wants to do with him the next time she sees him is a big RED FLAG for any future success. Good Luck!!

[JayZ]

Thanks for your replies. I do feel like I am too easy on her. I told her she can not see him ever again and I have told 'him' that as well. He is obviously no friend of mine and it pains me to think that I invited him into my home on a consistant basis and loved him like a brother.

 

His wife doesn't know and if she did she would leave immeadiately. Would that be better or worse?

 

My hangup with leaving my wife is that I'm afraid of the other men she brings home with my daughter there. Statistics say that boyfriends are the highest group of molesters. What is the quote... "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer!"? Does me being miserable to protect my child worth it? I think it is, but I'm not willing to say that I will be miserable right now. There are many childlike answers I've heard from my wife in the last couple of days, I think she doesn't understand that what she had wasn't healthy... she thinks that's just the way it is. She needs help and so do I.

 

Counseling starts tomorrow. Wish me luck.

[JayZ]

Marriage counseling is a given, but do I need to go or does she need to work through her issues first?

[whichwayisup]

Both of you go together to marriage counselling and also go individually for yourselves. And she MUST end it completely with him. DO tell his spouse what is going on. She deserves to know and have a choice in whether or not she thinks her marriage is worth saving.

[JayZ]

What if this scares him straight and one less person is hurt? I understand that children may be involved again the future, but she is also a friend of mine. Dealing with this hurt every minute... I can't imagine inflicting it. I know, I know, they did it not me, but I guess that's how I'm wired.

[whichwayisup]

If you don't tell her she may get angry with you from hiding it from her. Both of you need to talk to eachother too. I mean, her husband is with your wife! I think it should be out in the open. What if the situation was she found out and you never had the chance to find out? Would you want to know?

 

It is an awful and sad situation, but that is the price and consquence of their affair.

[whichwayisup]

Read this thread by DazednConfused. It's long but I do think it will help you. Gain some insight and maybe it can help you, give you ideas of how to handle things with your wife. He's truely inspirational.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/?highlight=DazednConfused

[JayZ]

whichway, I can't tell you how close to home his story hits mine. My wife has also been as open with every question I have asked. I'm not sure it's good to know everything I ask, but it helps me paint the picture I need to move forward. Her achieving orgasm with him really hurts, it was a question I asked as well. Why do I feel the need to know? [sigh]

 

I feel as strongly toward my wife as he seems to for his. His quote "My whole world is ruined, I don't how to go on" rings through my head contantly. I can't breath and my chest is tight and I can't sleep... thank you for taking the time to send that link. I don't feel nearly as lonely. Thank you deeply!

[penkitten]

has anyone told his wife about this affair?

i believe she should know too and that they should deal with their own stuff and he should have some repercussions of his own.

[whichwayisup]

Jayz, I'm glad that thread helped you. Dazed is a classy and great guy. He really helped many people while he was on LS. Once in a while he pops on to this place.

 

Maybe print out or show your wife that thread. Could help both of you and she could gain some insight about what's going on inside you.

[JayZ]

I know that it seemed to happen so fast, but I think it's over. We talked for 4 hours this morning and I've asked her to move out. We've talked about visitation and that I should have custody of our child. She still loves the other man. I don't think she'll get over that. She has some very deep rooted problems that can't be verbalized or described to me. I want her to get help for her and for my beautiful daughter. I feel a little more peaceful this morning because of it, but tonight we have to tell my 5 year old that mommy won't be living here any longer. I'm overwhelmed with sadness.

[slubberdegullion]

JayZ, you have every right to be overwhelmed with sadness right now. Aside from counselling - which I think we all can agree is a good step right now - what's your social support system like? Do you have a handful of good friends (and I do mean good friends, that you can really "let it all hang out" with, instead of the backslappers that you watch football games with) that you can talk with?

 

It's pretty clear that your daughter is in good and loving hands. Take good care of her by taking good care of yourself. The best present you can give her is a healthy and well adjusted daddy.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yikes went through something similar- I'll try to e mail him and ask him to comment on your thread.

 

Your daughter still needs her mother. No matter what. Please try not to use her as a bargaining chip in this whole thing.

[phrekmon]

It's awfully strange that a lot of the posters here are right around the 10 year mark in their marriages, is it or could it be mid-life crisis that 7 year itch we all hear about, I feel you pain JayZ, hang in there, Dennis

[Yikes]

To be honest, I had a very difficult time reading your first post... it brings back a lot of emotion for me.

 

I am so sorry that you are being put through this. I understand your pain more than you know.

 

Your wife is not thinking about anyone else but herself. She has been unfaithful twice before. The affair has been going on for a long time, it's not like someone got a little drunk and carried away. She is treating you (and your child) with total disrespect.

 

Does your "friend" have a family? (sorry if you mentioned it already, as I said this one was a very tough read for me)

 

Look after the best interest of your daughter but look after your own needs too. Your wife made certain promises to you when the two of you got married. Evidently those promises mean nothing to her. While your "friend" never made you any promises, he is a lowdown dirty skunk. It's goes without saying. You don't mess with your buddies wife and family... he's dirt and he's not your friend at all. (If I used the adjectives that I'd like to use, this post would be toast.)

 

I say cut them both lose, neither one of them can be trusted.

 

Trust me it's better being alone than it is putting up with that garbage.

 

Now I need a drink.

 

Yikes

[whichwayisup]

I know that it seemed to happen so fast, but I think it's over. We talked for 4 hours this morning and I've asked her to move out. We've talked about visitation and that I should have custody of our child. She still loves the other man. I don't think she'll get over that. She has some very deep rooted problems that can't be verbalized or described to me. I want her to get help for her and for my beautiful daughter. I feel a little more peaceful this morning because of it, but tonight we have to tell my 5 year old that mommy won't be living here any longer. I'm overwhelmed with sadness.

The thing that scares me here is it seems she is going to just be with this other guy...Test it out. If it doesn't work she'll come crawling back home to you and your daughter. This is it. Her choice and as painful as this is for you, do a legal separation, make sure YOU have custody of your daughter, not her. She is in NO place right now to be a responsible parent. She's putting her selfish needs ahead of her own child. OUCH! Hearing that makes my heart hurt for your little one. I'm sorry that you both have to tell her this sad and awful news.

 

Love your daughter, tell her as many times a day!

 

AND...TELL the other man's wife. If you don't, it could get out either way, and it could be easier for his wife to hear it from you, rather than gossip. Hopefully the OM will have some balls and tell her himself.

 

Sorry for all this pain around you. It really f**k'n sucks and keep posting/venting. Many people here are helpful and supportive.

[Kenyth]

Listen and listen carefully bud. There is one reason and one reason only that they're treating you nicely. You can cause them a lot of problems very quickly. You have the upper hand right now and it will only lose potency with time. It's over, plain and simple. Even if you can reconcile, you will never get respect. You will always feel like a second class husband, and you will always suspect. Humpty Dumpty has fallen. It's not your fault. Don't feel responsible for putting him back together. Smile with your wife and freind, maintain the facade, gather evidence, and see a lawyer. The first thing you want to do is get a seperate bank account and take yourself off the existing one, you will want to take her off any credit lines you have or close them. If she took care of the bills before, she doesn't any longer. Not with your income. If you have vehicles you have both your names on, trade them in and get seperate vehicles. DO NOT PAY FOR ANYTHING FOR HER! If both your names are on the house, figure whether you have any equity. If the equity is minimal or non-existant, just give it to her and let her take over the loan if she wants it. Your primary concern at this point is getting away from them and getting custody of your daughter. Remove any items with sentimental value to you and any valuables or firearms from the home and put them in a safe place. I would rent a small storage shed and build an emergency store of clothing and belongings. Do not allow your so called freind anywhere near you or your home. He is NOT your freind and does NOT love you. If he did, this wouldn't be happening. What he loves, is screwing your wife and playing you for the fool. Quite frankly, you should have punched him in the nose when you last saw him. Whether you tell his wife or not is on you. Once you leave her, she will likely turn to him for support and do the dirty work for you anyway.

 

Once they can no longer take anything else from you, proceed with the divorce and custody suit. Once temporary custody is determined, move out into an apartment or have her move out depending on who gets your daughter.

 

If you do not strike while the iron is hot, you will eventually regret it. If you try and make it work, you will eventually regret it. What you do now is an investment in your future well being. Don't treat it lightly or pretend it isn't happening.

 

You must understand. She doesn't love you to have done this to you. It isn't sympathy in her eyes for you. It's pity! It's not guilt. It's worry over her future. Neither are your concern anymore. Your marriage is broken because you are caught between a rock and a hard place. If you stay with her, deep down, she will never have any respect for you and this will happen again. She didn't respect you before. How can she respect you after you'd let someone walk all over you to that magnitude? Your self-respect will plummet too. You'll be nothing but a scurrying rodent. Always suspicious, and always spying. In order to gain her and your own respect, you have to leave her. Either way, you're screwed. At least if you leave her as quickly as possible, you'll have the most time to try and start over again and you'll keep as much of your dignity as possible.

 

I'm warning you, I tried that love and understanding bull****. All it did was give me grief in the end. Once it's your turn to do a little getting instead of giving, you'll find no one there for you. They wouldn't give you anything when you were married to them. What makes you think they'll be more inclined after divorcing you? The smiles and warmth are there to pacify you until they get themselves together. Don't be manipulated.

[Kenyth]

She's moving out and leaving you with the child? Holy cripes! This is what my ex did to me! Left herself wide open and I didn't take the shot! Years later, she sued and got back custody because I didn't do what I should have done when I had the chance! There was no history for the judge to look at on the existing divorce decree and you aren't allowed to bring up ANYTHING prior to the divorce effective date. If you're not careful, you give her a get out of jail free card and open yourself up for future legal action regarding custody. There is nothing more frustrating that having NOTHING on someone in court because it happened before your divorce decree, and you were to dumb to make sure it was documented in the decree.

 

Regardless, wave her out the door and find a lawyer ASAP!

[loki7]

Now, that's sad. But let me tell you this (HARD TRUTH).

Get up and go on with your life. You and your little girl can have a life away from her. It's the hardest thing to do, but it's much harder to try to build a life and a future on a lie. Time to move on. Leave this soap opera behind, not the child. Hurts like hell at first, but it gets easier day after day. Take care of yourself.

[Bryanp]

For God's sake TELL HIS WIFE! If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want to know? No consequences to his or her actions equals no motivation to change. Open your eyes! Your wife has been playing you for a sucker for a long time.

[Yikes]

Okay, I'm home, I've had a drink...

 

I go along with the last few posts, you need to look after yourself, your child and put your wife and your so called friend in your rearview mirror.

 

I gave my wife the second chance that she asked for. If everyone wants to call me a chump, then so be it, I'll take my lumps. She said all of the right things and made all of the right promises. As soon as I found out she was still up to her old tricks I pulled the plug.

 

I know that it complicates things when little ones are involved, it certainly had a bearing on my decisions. Protect yourself legally, look after your daughter and make yourself available for someone who will appreciate you.

 

You are better off on your own for a while... there is no one to let you down that way.